Nameless (30 page)

“All right,” Liz
said patiently. “Let me just help you dry off.”

Erin was wrestling
with so much emotion—all rising up inside her—that she felt like a little girl
again, trying to fight off tears with a temper-fit. “Stop,” she demanded,
pushing Liz and the towel away. “I want to lie down.”

“Well, you’re
soaking wet,” Liz began, trying to come at her. “Just let me—”

“
What the
hell are you doing
?” The voice was male, angry, authoritative.

And very
familiar.

The man who’d
spoken strode into the bathroom. “She said she wanted to lie down.”

Liz spun
around, still holding out the towel like a present. Her mouth dropped open, and
she froze in place for a moment.

Erin just burst
into tears.

She took one
step and collapsed against Seth, sobbing in short, tight jerks against his
chest. He wore a blue dress shirt and black trousers, expensive clothes that
were now rather damp from Erin's body. She was sopping wet and in the middle of
painful labor.

But she was so
incredibly happy to see him.

Seth put an arm
around her and glared coldly at Liz. “You’re supposed to be supporting her, not
making her do what she doesn’t want.”

“Don’t you yell
at me,” Liz shot back, snapping out of her stunned stupor with her outrage. “I’m
the one helping her. You’re the one leaving her when—”

“Stop,” Erin
choked, pulling herself together and pulling away from the now wet side of Seth’s
body. “Liz was helping,” she explained, looking up at his tense face. “You
don't get to be mean to her. She’s been great. I was just being ornery.”

“Well, you’re
in labor,” Seth said, gazing down at her with something unusually soft in his
eyes. “Being ornery is perfectly understandable.”

Erin was about
to respond—no doubt to say something infinitely silly—when she was hit with
another contraction.

This time, she
clung to Seth. He held her up, and his body felt strong and solid and
unshakable. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t even rub her back. But his presence
was like a miracle just the same.

Liz talked her
through the breathing again, and Erin focused as much as she could in order to
get through the contraction.

When she had,
she slumped against Seth. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged. “I
came back.”

“But Seattle?
The trial—”

Seth shrugged
again. “I came back.” He held out a hand and Liz handed him the towel. He
wrapped it around Erin. “Did you want to go lie down now?”

Erin nodded
mutely and let Liz help her on with her gown. Then she thought of something. “Liz?”
she asked. “Would you mind going to find Dad? Make sure he’s all right.”

Liz hesitated,
glaring malevolently at Seth.

“It’s fine. Seth
knows how to do the breathing too.” Her lips quirked up, making it clear that
she was teasing. “I’m so glad you’re here, Liz. But Dad—”

 “All right. I’ll
be right back.” She stared with narrowed eyes at Seth as she left.

Seth helped her
out of the bathroom and over to the bed. She lowered herself down and then rolled
over again onto her left side.

Seth had
brought a fresh hand towel with him and idly started to towel dry her dripping
hair.

“Seth?” Erin
whispered, trying to relax and prepare herself for the next contraction.

He wiped a
stream of water off the side of her face. “Yes?”

“Why are you
here?”

He shook his
head. His features were guarded and unreadable, but he said very softly, “I
never should have left.”

***

Erin felt like she’d been doing
this forever.

Like her whole
existence had been made up of the pain of contractions, of inhaling and
exhaling, of changing positions, of hearing Liz’s tireless coaching on
breathing, of sucking on ice chips, of praying that she'd soon be dilated
enough to be able to push her daughter out.

It felt like
forever, an endless eternity. In reality, it had only been about four hours
since Seth had arrived unexpectedly.

Things had
improved after he’d arrived. With his presence and Liz’s, Erin no longer had to
worry constantly about her father. So she’d been able to focus more on managing
her pain, which had helped more than she’d expected.

She’d done
everything she was supposed to do. Walked, changed positions, breathed through
every contraction, focused and visualized to distract herself from the pain. But
it just went on—hour after hour.

So finally she’d
been so exhausted that she’d asked for some pain medication.

Since Erin
didn’t want to suffer the inhibitions that came with other kinds of drugs, the
nurse had given her a partial dose of a narcotic analgesic. It hadn’t stopped the
pain, but it had taken the edge off. She’d felt lightheaded and a little woozy
afterwards, but it had allowed her to relax, to rest a little. Something she’d
desperately needed.

The respite the
medicine had given her was wearing off now, however, and she could feel the
intensity of the contractions beginning to return.

She was lying
on her side, while Seth stood behind her, kneading her lower back and stroking
her hair. Liz had gone to grab something for lunch with their dad, so the dim
room was blessedly quiet.

It would have
been very nice. If Erin hadn’t been hurting so much.

Seth hadn’t
spoken much in the hours he’d been with her, except to question the hospital
staff, arrange for Erin’s comfort, and regularly ask her what else she needed.

Erin couldn’t
really tell if he was happy to be here. If he was awkward or tense about it. If
he was nervous or uncertain. Or if he was simply here out of obligation.

In the lull
between contractions, she asked what she’d been wondering for hours. “Really, Seth,”
she murmured, bending her neck up so she could meet his eyes. “Why did you come
back?”

“I told you. I
shouldn’t have left.”

“But why? What
about the trial?”

“I’d rather be
here.”

Something soft
and mushy rose up in her chest, but he still hadn’t answered her questions. “What
about the case? If people’s lives are at stake—”

“Erin,” Seth interrupted.
“You don’t need to be worrying about this.”

Another
contraction welled up, and it was intense, but still mostly manageable, thanks
to the lingering effects of the medication and the relaxation she’d been able
to do.

“Liz is going
to be mad,” Erin gasped when the pain receded again.

Seth’s strong
hands were still on her shoulders. “It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”

“You forgot to
tell me to breathe.”

He smiled.

“Thanks for
coming back,” she whispered, while she still had the courage and energy to do
so. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

He nodded. Mumbled
something she couldn’t quite catch.

Before she
could ask him to repeat it, Liz returned.

“That wasn’t
long,” Erin chided faintly. “Did you eat enough? Where’s Dad?”

“I got him to
go to my apartment and take a nap for a couple of hours,” Liz told her. “And,
yes, we ate plenty. Do you want to go eat something, Seth?”

Erin realized
it was a great concession on her sister’s part to offer Seth a break like that.

“No, thanks,” he
replied, his voice not quite as cool as it usually was when he spoke to Liz. “I’m
not hungry at the moment.”

Liz shrugged
and didn’t object. Erin, however, wanted to argue. She'd opened her mouth to
speak when she was hit with another contraction.

When it passed,
Liz flopped down onto the chair beside the bed. “Fuck,” she moaned. “Remind me
to never do this myself. No babies for me. I don’t know how you’re making it
through so well.”

Erin smiled at
the grumbled encouragement as she changed positions again, this time moving to
her hands and knees on the bed. “Well, you guys are definitely helping, and
I’ve got it better than a lot of women. I think it's worse when they have to
induce you, and so far I’ve had no complications.”

Liz nodded
distractedly. “What is this? Doggie style childbirth?”

“Yes,” Erin
replied sarcastically. “That’s exactly what it is.”

 “Does it
really help, like they said it would in the childbirth class? To get in that
position?”

“For a
while."

Unfortunately,
nothing helped indefinitely and, as Erin felt another contraction developing,
she bleakly wondered if the rhythmic cycle of agony and lull would ever end.

When that
contraction faded, Erin’s arms were shaking even more. She pulled her weight up
from her arms and scooted forward a little, slumping against Seth’s body and
pressing her face into his shoulder.

He wrapped his
arms around her and held her for a minute.

Liz said, “At
lunch, Dad was talking about how Mom stayed on her back through the whole thing
and how she never moved at all, except when she got transferred to the delivery
table. I tried to explain how women used to be hooked up to machines all the
time and how, with epidurals, they had to stay in the one position, but I think
he was weirded out by the new methods. I mean the old methods that are coming
back.”

“Well, he’s
old-fash—”  Erin broke off when another contraction began. After another
painful interlude, she tried to pick up the thread of conversation. “He’s old-fashioned.”

“I didn’t tell
him about Louis,” Liz said with a smirk.

“Please don’t.
You should tell Seth about it, though.” Erin wasn’t sure she had the energy to
tell the story herself, but she really wanted to see Seth's reaction.

“Right,” Liz
chimed in, leaning forward in her chair. “Apparently, lying on your back while
giving birth only became the standard position when Louis XIV was king of
France. Wait until you hear this. Talk about your sick bastards. The king got a
perverted thrill from watching his mistress giving birth. So he demanded that
she lie on her back with her legs parted, instead of in a more comfortable
position, just so he could get a better view. Then he hid behind a curtain,
leering at her and jerking off during the proceedings.”

Seth raised his
eyebrows. “Is that right?”

Liz grinned. “Well,
I’m not positive about the jerking off part, but I wouldn’t be surprised—the
sick, sadistic perv. And the rest of it is apparently true. According to most
sources, that’s what solidified the lying-on-your-back position as the
established way for women to give birth in modern Western cultures. Even though
it’s the most difficult and uncomfortable for women.” She sighed, as if in
satisfaction. “It’s amazing what you learn in childbirth class.”

“It is,” Seth
murmured.

Erin saw
something almost imperceptible in his face. Gasped. Poked him hard in the
chest. “You already knew that story.”

He almost
smiled. He looked as cool and composed as ever, but she suddenly realized that
he was exhausted. It wasn’t evident on his face, but his eyes were less guarded
than normal. All he said was, “I told you before. I always do my research.”

She sniffed
disdainfully to hide a strange tenderness.

Then she
stopped sniffing because another contraction forced its way up.

All of her
intellectual interest in the previous conversation faded.

Because,
although it was nice not to be restricted to lying on her back, it didn't make
everything better.

Even being on
her hands and knees like this hurt like hell.

***

An hour later, she was on her
hands and knees again, after having shifted positions three times. It was
getting harder and harder to get comfortable. And harder and harder to focus on
anything else.

She was in the
midst of another contraction, and the one contraction was evidently endless.

And so was the
next one. And the following one.

She barely had
any time between them anymore. Couldn’t do anything more than shiver helplessly
and try to catch her breath in the brief lulls.

Then, when one
excruciating contraction finally dissipated, she felt a strange pop and a gush
of liquid between her legs, soaking her bare thighs and even the pad on the bed
she knelt on.

She gasped in
horror, feeling disoriented and helpless. “Oh, God,” she whispered, turning to look
at Seth. “Did I just pee?”

He wiped her
face with a wet washcloth. His own face was glistening with perspiration, and
there was a damp spot on the back of his shirt. But he was as unflappable as
always. “No, baby. I think your water just broke at last.”

Erin blinked at
him, baffled both by the endearment and by the fact that she’d forgotten all
about her water not having broken until now.

But she didn’t
have time to wonder about either thing. Because another contraction slammed
into her. Without the normal warning and build-up.

And it was so
much worse. So much worse than anything.

She vaguely
heard Seth calmly asking Liz to call for a nurse. But the intensity of the ache
in her pelvis swallowed her, was everywhere, everything.

And wouldn’t
ever end.

Suddenly Erin
was terrified. Felt like she might die. Like she wasn’t strong enough to deal
with it. Like she was an absolute fool to think she’d ever be able to have a
baby in the first place.

She panicked. Knew
in the back of her mind she shouldn’t, but rationality was impossible at the
moment. Instead of breathing like she was supposed to, she sobbed into Seth’s
shoulder, choking and gasping and clawing at his shirt. “Oh, God. Oh, God, is
the pumpkin all right?”

“She’s great,” Seth
murmured, stroking her hair. “She’s doing great. She’s almost here. Just a
little bit longer.”

She felt
another contraction on the heels of the last one. Choked a little. “I don’t
think I can do it. It’s too much.”