Nameless (29 page)

She could
barely register the existence of anything, except the cresting pain of the
contraction she was presently trying to breathe her way through.

The minor
discomfort of her earlier contractions was now forgotten completely. They had
been nothing. Almost laughable compared to this. She couldn’t let herself think
about how the contractions were going to get progressively worse, get progressively
longer and closer together. For endless more hours.

This one
contraction was bad enough.

She was on her
bed in the hospital. Lying on her left side with her knees drawn up toward her
belly. Trying to breathe in the way she was supposed to. Attempting to focus
only on breathing, as the pain—for which there was no adequate
comparison—peaked and then started to recede.

She and her
father had gotten to the hospital two hours ago. There had been a flurry of
activity when she’d first arrived. She’d been examined, given various tests,
been hooked up to a monitor to check the baby’s heart, and other things she
couldn’t even remember.

She’d been in
some pain then—although not as much as she was now—but she’d basically been
excited and restless. Things had finally been moving, and she’d felt motivated,
ready to tackle this next challenge.

Now she just
wanted the challenge to end.

The initial
activity had all died down now, and her suite in the maternity center at the
hospital was dim and quiet. They'd even turned off the TV, since the droning
sound grated on her nerves.

Erin certainly
hadn't needed to complain to Seth about her accommodations. The maternity wing
had recently been renovated and restructured in accord with new theories and
practices in childbirth, and Erin, thanks to Seth, received the best the
hospital had to offer.

Her suite was
as nice as one at a hotel—soothingly decorated in medium blues and greens, with
a large bed, a sofa, an entertainment center, a little table with two chairs in
front of the window, and wooden cabinetry instead of normal hospital décor. It
also had a private bathroom with a large sit-down shower and whirlpool tub.

In fact, this
suite was
nicer
than most hotels Erin stayed in.

Unfortunately,
the comfort of her surroundings didn’t mean anything to her at the moment. Maybe
later she'd be able to enjoy it, but right now she could barely recognize it.

During each
contraction, she couldn’t focus on anything except the pain. And she spent the
time in between mostly worrying about her father.

He’d been with
her constantly for the last nine hours, and so far he was the only support
person she had. Liz had car trouble and was still trying to get back to the city.

As the last
hour passed, Erin had been getting more and more stressed about how exhausted
and drained her father was becoming.

His face was
drawn, there were deep shadows around his eyes, his skin was too pale, and his
shirt was visibly wet with sweat. Erin knew he hadn’t slept in twenty-four
hours—he’d stayed awake even when she’d been able to doze off—and he hadn’t
eaten in twelve hours.

And she
couldn’t get him to leave her, even briefly.

Every time she
had another contraction, he would freeze in place, his face twisted with what
looked like agony—as if he were feeling each wave of pain as much as she was.

Then he would
pull himself together and encourage her to breathe, but Erin knew he was
miserable...because she was.

In the lulls
between contractions, she worried more about him than she did about herself.

When the
swelling ache of the current contraction finally died down, Erin sucked in a
couple of cleansing breaths, trying to will her body to relax.

Her dad wiped
her damp face with the cool, wet washcloth that he’d just gone to rinse out
again. “Good job,” he murmured hoarsely. “Another one over.”

She shivered a
little. She felt so terrible—which was bad enough—but at the same time she was
making her dad suffer too.

Which was even
worse.

She’d never
seen her father look so old and worn and exhausted.

And it was only
going to get worse. Her pain was still mostly manageable, but she was pretty
sure that wasn’t going to continue indefinitely. What was he going to do if she
started screaming or crying?

 If Seth had
been here, it would have been different. It would have been better. Her dad
could have been the proud grandpa on the sidelines—while Seth could have done
the hands-on work.

Erin pushed
that thought away, not even willing to consider it. Seth
wasn't
here, and
they were doing perfectly fine without him.

Liz was on her
way, but she just had to get here soon.

Taking a few
more breaths, Erin rolled off her side and then pushed herself up into a
sitting position on the edge of the bed.

“Good,” her dad
said encouragingly. “Changing positions will help.”

"I need to
move around, I think."

"Why don’t
we walk some? That helped last time.”

Erin nodded and
then eased herself to her feet. Her knees felt a little weak, so she took a
moment to get her bearings.

She’d taken one
step when she felt another contraction swelling up.

She closed her
eyes. Started breathing. Tried to visualize herself surfing on the wave of the
contraction. A silly image, since she was imagining herself trying to balance
on a surfboard nine months pregnant, but, still, it was something to focus on.

She swayed as
the pain became more intense. Felt her father’s arm around her, supporting her,
holding her steady. He was murmuring soothing words to her, but she couldn’t
really hear them.

She tried to
breathe through the pain. It was a different kind of pain than anything she’d
ever experienced before—a dull ache that swallowed her entire pelvis, but was
far more intense than a dull ache should ever be. She didn’t think she had the
dreaded back labor, since her pain didn’t seem to be centered in her back, and
for that she assumed she should be grateful.

So far, things
were going as well as could be expected. No complications had occurred. She'd
been making steady, if slow progress in the dilation of her cervix. And she
hadn't yet had to request medication.

She’d like to
make it through without medication—mostly because she preferred the idea of not
being dependent on anything except herself—but she wasn't absolutely committed
to it. She would do whatever she needed to do to get through.

So far, she
thought she was doing all right. If only her poor dad wasn’t suffering so much
with her.

They walked
slowly around the large room for a long time. Members of the hospital staff
came in periodically to check on her, but they had a remarkable amount of
privacy.  And, in this same suite, she’d be able to go through labor, delivery,
and recovery—never having to change locations.

After circling
several times and suffering through a number of contractions, her dad asked,
“Are you sure you don’t want to try the shower or Jacuzzi?”

“Maybe when Liz
gets here."

“Liz is here
now!”

Her sister
breezed into the room, wearing sweats and with her hair pulled back in a
ponytail. She grinned widely, and she looked so focused and determined one
would think she was charging into battle.

“All panic and
despair can now cease,” she announced, throwing her bag on a chair.

When she got
closer and saw their tired faces, her enthusiasm softened a little. “Are you
all doing all right?”

“Yep,” Erin
said, smiling at her sister. She felt like collapsing in relief, so glad was
she to see Liz at last, but all she said was, “I'll have you know we’re doing
just fine without you.”

“Hmph,” Liz
grunted, giving them an exaggerated frown. “But I bet you’ve forgotten all
about your breathing. Like this.”

Liz performed
her best rendition of the breathing exercises they’d learned, and Erin actually
giggled as she watched her sister’s exaggerated performance.

But she stopped
giggling when she felt another contraction approach. She held onto her dad.

“You’re not
breathing,” Liz said, jumping immediately into the fray.

So Erin
breathed through the contraction, feeling a new burst of determination prompted
by Liz’s boundless energy.

It didn’t take
the pain away, though, and Erin was shaking when it passed.

“Damn,” Liz
muttered, twisting her lips sympathetically. “That doesn’t look any fun.”

Erin managed to
snort.

“I think she
wants to try the shower or tub.” Her dad wiped his wet forehead with his
sleeve.

“Sounds like a
good idea,” Liz agreed, turning her head to look at him. When her eyes focused
on his face, her expression changed. “Damn, Dad, you look like death.”

He did. Their
poor father looked absolutely heartbreaking.

But he frowned.
“I’m perfectly fine. I’ve been coddled enough by your sister, who has far
bigger things to worry about than me.”

“Can you at
least go get something to eat, now that Liz is here?” Erin asked.

He hesitated
briefly before he nodded. “Okay. But I’ll be back to make sure you’re all right.”

When he’d left
the room, Liz walked with her to the bathroom. “So, no Seth, huh?”

Erin felt the
ache in her chest again, the one she’d been trying to ignore. “No. You knew
that. He’s in Seattle.”

Liz sniffed. “Well,
I would have thought the asshole would come back.”

Erin had been
secretly hoping for that too. She hadn’t let herself acknowledge it, but it was
one of those faint fantasies that was always on the edge of her mind. She kept
pushing it away as nonsense, however.

Seth wasn't
coming back. His work was more important to him, and she didn’t need him.

She just kind
of wanted him here.

“I don’t care
what his excuse was. He could have rescheduled or skipped it if he’d really
wanted. He’s just being a selfish bastard.”

They were in
the bathroom now, a pleasant, spacious room with a large tub and separate,
tiled shower.

“Liz,” Erin
chided, slipping off her nightgown as Liz turned on the shower.

“Well, I’m
sorry, but this is the birth of his daughter, and he’s sacrificing it for his
damned work. It makes me sick.”

Erin wished
that Liz would shut up. She felt bad enough as it was. Her sister’s words just
stirred up even more pain and resentment.

Another
contraction hit before Erin could step into the shower. She clung to a
convenient rail and started breathing—hearing Liz move into her coaching mode,
doing the breathing exercises with her.

The pain was
impossible to wrap her mind around. It felt like her pelvis was going to drop
out. Erin was wet with new sweat when the pain finally passed, and she really
hoped the shower would help.
Something
had to help.

Liz helped her
in, and Erin let the warm water wash over her body.

At first, it
felt heavenly, rinsing away the perspiration, the tension, and the fatigue of
so many hours.

“How is it?” Liz
asked. She was standing just outside the shower.

“Good.” Erin just
stood under the cascading water, letting it fall on her face. Then she turned
around. Let it pound on her back. She took cleansing breaths and refused to
think about Seth.

“Well,” Liz
said, picking up the previous conversation as if it had never ended, “all I can
say is that he better not be indulging in depravity while you're suffering like
this.”

“What?” Erin
gaped at Liz through a slight opening of the shower curtain. Felt her gut lurch
in a sickening way.

“In Seattle,” Liz
explained, scowling at the thought. “He’s probably terrified by all of this and
confused by all his new feelings for the pumpkin. And for
you
, for that
matter. So I can see him trying to run away from all of it. Men do that
sometimes, you know. He just better not be running away by fucking some tramp
on the other side of the country while you’re here having his baby.”

“Shut up, Liz,”
Erin muttered, trying to ignore the words as if they’d never been spoken. She
tried not to conjure up a visual to match them.

What was Seth
doing right now?

Erin wasn’t
going to think about that.

She would think
only about her daughter. Who was finally going to be born.

Who meant more
to her than Seth ever would.

It helped for a
minute or two.

But, shortly,
another contraction began to develop.

Erin felt it
coming, so she moved to hang on to the support rail in the shower. Liz was
telling her to breathe.

Erin breathed
as she was supposed to. But, as the pain swept over her, the water became an
irritant. It had felt good before, but now it seemed to hammer on her skin.

It was bad
enough to be tired and overwhelmed and in pain.

It was even
worse to be tired and overwhelmed and in pain and naked and soaking wet.

While Seth was in
Seattle, maybe fucking someone else.

She gasped and
trembled when the contraction finally ended. “I don’t like it,” she whimpered,
hating how helpless she sounded. “I don’t like it. Turn it off.”

Liz immediately
turned the water off. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice more sympathetic than
normal. “I guess that was a bust.”

Erin felt like
crying. Was very close to doing so. “I’m tired,” she said, rubbing her wet face
with her wet hands. She stood in the shower, dripping and utterly miserable. “I
want to go lie back down now.”

“Okay,” Liz
said, grabbing a towel and trying to wrap it around Erin. “Do you want to try
the whirlpool tub? That might feel better than the shower.”

“No,” Erin
snapped, lashing out irrationally even though she tried to stop herself. “I
don’t want to. I told you. I want to lie down.”