Nameless (41 page)

“Yes, she
will,” Liz corrected.

Erin sighed as
they closed the front door and walked toward the elevator. She hoped Seth was
going to be okay with Mackenzie.

“Seriously,”
she said as they got into the elevator. “I’m happy to go out with you all, but
I want to get back at a decent time.”

“We’ll play it
by ear. I think it might be good for you to get out for a while. Maybe you’ll
have such a good time that you’ll
want
to stay out late.”

Already
exhausted, Erin leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Tried
to remember what it had been like when going out like this had been second nature.

It wasn’t even
seven o’clock, but it already felt like a late night.

***

The double date should have gone
well.

It would have
gone well, and Erin would have enjoyed it, had she been able to concentrate for
any length of time.

But, by the
time they got to the restaurant, she was in an exhausted, blurry haze, and by
the time the food arrived, she had trouble thinking about anything except what
was happening in her apartment with Mackenzie and Seth.

Danny was very
cute in a boyish way, and he seemed to be sweet, relatively intelligent, and
funny. He also loved kids and spent a lot of time asking Erin about Mackenzie. There
was nothing about him that really annoyed Erin, and he was the kind of guy she
had always liked. As far as blind dates went, Danny was top of the line.

It was a very
good date, by anyone’s standards.

But Erin could
barely keep from yawning.

She was just so
tired and distracted, and it felt like she was going through the motions half
asleep. Plus, she kept worrying incessantly—about whether Mackenzie was still
squalling, about whether she would cry herself sick, about whether she was
missing her mommy, about whether Seth was getting tired of putting up with her,
about whether he’d ever want to spend time with her again.

So, even though
it was only nine o’clock when they finished dinner, Erin decided she’d had
enough.

They were
getting up to leave—discussing the possibility of doing something else
afterwards—when Erin pulled Liz aside, insisting that she come to the restroom
with her.

Once they were
there, Erin decided she actually needed to use the bathroom, so, as she went
into the stall, she explained that she’d had a good time but was now ready to
go home.

“But it’s still
early. Don’t you like Danny?” Liz asked. From the location of her feet, Erin
assumed her sister was checking out her appearance in the mirror.

“I do. He seems
great and is very cute. I just can’t focus on things. I’m so tired, and it’s
been such a long day. I just...I don’t know.”

Liz waited
until Erin had flushed the toilet before she responded. “All right. I guess I
understand. I’d hoped we would make it to at least ten o’clock though.”

Erin let out a
resigned exhale as she left the stall and went to wash her hands. “I know.” 
She stared at her slightly wan face in the mirror. She definitely wasn’t
looking her best this evening. “I’m pathetic. But I really want to go home.”

“Should we give
Danny any encouragement?” Liz asked, slanting a sideways look at her.

Erin made a
face as she rinsed the soap off her hands. “I don't know. Let me think about it.
He really does seem like a great guy, but I don’t know if...”

“I get it. No
spark.” Then her expression changed slightly, and she studied the reflection of
Erin’s face intently. “Should we keep looking for someone for you, or have you
decided you’re happy with what you have?”

Stiffening, Erin
was immediately defensive. “What I
have
? You mean a good life, a
daughter, and my independence?”

 “Well, that,
of course. And...”

“And
what
?”
Erin yanked paper towels out of the dispenser with more force than was entirely
necessary.

“I was just wondering
if you’d finally decided that there was more there than you originally
thought.”

Erin felt like
squirming, for some reason. She’d never felt this uncomfortable when Liz had
questioned her about Seth in the past. She didn’t like the feeling. At all.

“I’m not in
love with him, if that’s what you’re asking,” she said coolly, narrowing her
eyes and trying not to look self-conscious. She was speaking the truth—was
still convinced she wasn’t in love with Seth.

But the topic
didn’t feel quite as cut-and-dry as it used to.

***

Erin felt a strange sort of
relief wash over her as she finally walked in quietly through the front door of
her apartment, closing the door behind her.

It felt like
she’d been gone for ages, although she’d really been gone less than three
hours.

When she took a
few steps in, she discovered that the living room was empty, although the
television was on and set to a cable news channel. The sound was muted because
the people talking on the news program were doing so silently.

The room was messier
than it had been when Erin had left, with toys scattered around, a half-empty
bottle on the coffee table next to a burp cloth and pacifier, and Seth’s shoes
and socks left on the floor next to the couch.

Standing in the
middle of the floor and listening, Erin recognized the sound of Mackenzie’s
fussing from another room. The baby wasn’t screaming at the top of her lungs,
but she sounded like she was in the later stages of a temper-fit, when she’d
grown too tired to sustain the loud decibels, even though she was still just as
unhappy.

Shaking her
head resignedly, Erin walked to the hall, hoping that Seth and Mackenzie hadn’t
had a miserable time of it.

The sounds were
coming from the nursery, so Erin headed in that direction. Before she even made
it to the doorway, however, she heard Seth’s cultured, familiar voice.

“I can’t do it
if you keep wiggling around,” he said, his tone cool and calm, although Erin
recognized an edge of frustration beneath the surface. “I realize it’s a very
undignified activity, but we’d accomplish it better if you could manage to stop
crying for a few minutes.”

Intrigued and
strangely touched by overhearing this incongruous, one-sided conversation, Erin
slowed down and kept quiet, peeking in through the doorway of the nursery to
see what was going on.

Seth’s back was
to her, and he stood in front of the changing table, removing what appeared to
be a very dirty diaper.

Mackenzie gurgled
and fussed, flailing her arms and legs, and arching up her back in enthusiastic
protest of this indignity.

Seth held the
dirty diaper fastidiously, folding it over and then disposing of it. “I
certainly don’t blame you for objecting to suffering through
that
,” Seth
continued conversationally to his wriggling daughter. “I wouldn’t have imagined
such a pretty little girl could produce something quite so—”

One of Mackenzie’s
arms hit Seth hard on the forearm, and she must have found new energy, since
she broke into a loud howl.

Seth had pulled
a baby wipe out of the container and was attempting to clean off Mackenzie’s bottom,
but he was having some trouble coordinating the action because of the infant’s
flailing.

“I see,” Seth
continued, his voice growing slightly breathless. Erin thought she noticed a
sheen of perspiration on the side of his face. “Very rude of me to speak about
you that way. You’re absolutely right to be offended.  But I do need to clean
you up.” He tried to use the baby wipe again, but this time she kicked out at
him angrily.

Seth rubbed his
forehead with his sleeve, while holding onto the baby with his other hand. “I
can’t put on the clean diaper unless you hold still for a moment. I’m sure
there’s some sort of trick to this that I’m missing.”

Erin realized
she was smiling fondly as she watched. Was actually holding her breath, wondering
what he would do or say next.

Then she
realized that she should really take pity on him and help him out. She was just
about to announce her presence when Seth managed to coordinate his grip on Mackenzie
enough to use the wipe.

With a groan of
relief, Seth disposed of the wipe. “There. I really don’t think it was all
that
appalling. Now, am I allowed to put on a new diaper?”

Mackenzie had
stopped wailing, and her protest had reduced to grumpy whimpers again.  She was
kicking less enthusiastically though, so Seth managed to put on the new diaper
without too much trouble.

“Now then,” Seth
said in satisfaction, holding the infant upright, as if admiring his handiwork.
The diaper looked snug and neat, and Mackenzie’s chubby body was pink from her
bad-tempered exertions. “That’s much better. Now maybe you’ll be happy.”

Mackenzie stared
up at Seth with wide, round eyes, as if she could actually understand what he
was saying. Then she started jerking her tiny body again, and her face crumpled
into new sobs.

Releasing a
textured sigh—of frustration, Erin was sure—Seth laid the infant back down on
the changing table and started to put her sleeper back on.

“Mackenzie,” Seth
said, his voice thicker than usual. “I’m very sorry that you’re so miserable,
but I don’t know what else to do. If you don’t stop crying soon, you’ll be sick
when your mommy gets home. And then she’ll think I can’t take good care of you
and might not let me stay with you again.”

When he’d
finished putting the sleeper on her, Seth picked up Mackenzie and held her
against his chest. Jostled her gently. “Don’t you think you might stop crying
now?”

Erin had been
bombarded with a succession of feelings as she watched this inexplicable scene:
amusement, pity, understanding, affection, and something else that felt warm
and familiar. But, at the sound of Mackenzie’s renewed cries, Erin felt the
irresistible impulse to comfort her daughter. No matter how intrigued she was
about Seth’s interaction with the baby, there was only so much of Mackenzie’s
crying that Erin could take before she did something about it.

She’d been just
about to step into the nursery. But, when she realized that Seth was turning
around, Erin almost jumped, feeling horribly guilty about spying on him.

It was too late,
though. He’d turned toward the door before she’d been able to announce her
presence.

Seth jerked
slightly, obviously taken aback at seeing her there. “You’re home,” he
muttered, as if he weren’t quite sure it was true.

“Yeah,” Erin
said breathlessly, her cheeks flushing in a way that really annoyed her. There
was nothing to be embarrassed about, so why should she feel self-conscious? To
spare Seth’s pride, she added, “I just got here. Has she been fussy?”

“No, she’s been—”
Seth had started to answer her question automatically, with what would
obviously be a lie, but then he gave a huff of dry amusement. “To tell you the
truth, she hasn’t seemed to have a very good time.”

Erin smiled
sympathetically and stepped over to take Mackenzie from him.

Experienced a
ridiculous feeling of security and tenderness as she pulled her daughter close—as
if she’d been gone for weeks instead of a few hours.

“Why haven’t
you been good for your daddy? He might not want to stay with you again.”

Now that Erin
could see his face, she saw that he looked tired and drained and frustrated,
despite his calm façade, but all he did was remark, “You’re back early.”

“Yeah,” Erin said,
not up to going into the specifics of her date. “Is she hungry, do you think?”

Seth shrugged
helplessly. “I don’t know. I gave her a bottle an hour ago, but she didn’t seem
to want very much of it.”

Sighing, Erin
adjusted Mackenzie and glanced at the clock. “Do you mind if I try to feed her
real quick?”

“Sure. I’ll go
sit down and try to recover.”

Chuckling—more
in sympathy than amusement—Erin grabbed a burp cloth and sat down to feed Mackenzie.

As she’d
expected, Mackenzie latched on immediately and started to suck frantically. When
she’d eaten enough, Erin held her upright to burp her. Got spit up on, of
course, all over her good sweater instead of the burp cloth.

Mackenzie had
finally quieted down and grown content, and now her head was lolling drowsily. Erin,
for whom the day had seemed endless, was intensely relieved to see that her
daughter was finally about to go to sleep.

After
readjusting her clothes, Erin stood up and carried Mackenzie into the living
room. Where she found Seth slouching on the sofa, his legs stretched in front
of him and his eyes closed, looking completely wiped out.

He must have
heard her come in, though, because he immediately opened his eyes. “I can’t
remember ever being this tired. How do you manage it for more than a few hours
at a time?”

“She’s not
always so challenging. Sometimes, she’s really sweet and quiet. For instance,
now she’s about to fall asleep.”

Seth stared at
the infant glumly. “How perfectly ironic.”

“If you have
enough energy, would you mind staying for a few minutes so I can change clothes
and wash up? I’d like to hear how things went tonight.”

“Sure,” he
agreed, reaching out for Mackenzie. He looked a little tense when he settled
her into his arms, as if he were afraid she’d start bawling again.

She didn’t,
though. She was nearly asleep, and she merely wriggled a few times, then rested
her head on Seth’s shoulder as her eyes closed tightly again.

“I’ll be right
back,” Erin said softly, hurrying away since she was starting to feel far too
sappy.

She went into
her bedroom and took off her clothes, pulling on a pair of pajama pants, a tank
top, and a hoodie sweatshirt. She didn’t even feel uncomfortable being dressed
that way in front of Seth. She wanted to talk to him for a few minutes before
he left, but she wanted to be comfortable even more.