My So-Called Family (15 page)

“Okay,” I said.

I waited until the bathtub was mostly filled up before I got in. Mom had pulled the pads out from underneath the sink and put them on the shelf next to the tub, along with the clean underwear. The water between my legs was a little pink from the blood. After a little while I stood up and turned the shower on to wash everything off of me. It was the longest shower I had ever taken.

Mom was sitting on my bed when I got back to my room. “Better?” she asked.

“I guess,” I said. “This pad feels kind of like a diaper.”

“You'll get used to it,” Mom said, and I nodded.

“I'm sorry I was so mean to Charlie,” I said.

“I know,” Mom said.

“I didn't mean it,” I said.

“I know,” she said. She was staring at me. Her eyes moved up and down and I pulled the robe tighter around me. “What?” I asked.

“It's just that you're growing up,” Mom said. She shook her head like she almost didn't believe it. “I used to know everything about you.”

“I'm thirteen,” I said. “I don't think you're supposed to know everything about me anymore.”

“I'm realizing that,” Mom said. She wiped her eyes with one of her knuckles. “Oh, it's hard to be a parent. You know, you'll figure this out for yourself when you have children, but mostly I'm just winging this. I don't always know what I'm doing, and I don't always do the right thing. Maybe if my mother hadn't died, she would've been able to help me. Maybe she would have told me how you're supposed to act when your daughter starts growing up. I just don't know.”

It was a little scary to hear Mom say she didn't know what she was doing. Part of me liked it better when she was more sure of herself. “I'm sorry,” I said.

“No, I'm sorry,” Mom said. “I guess I wasn't listening before. I'm listening now.”

I sat down on the bed next to Mom. My stomach didn't hurt as much anymore. I just felt emptied out. “The thing with Samantha and the boys,” I started, “it has nothing to do with you and Simon.” I watched Mom's face to see if she was mad that I was bringing Samantha up again, but she just nodded. “You guys and Charlie are still the most important to me. But this donor sibling reunion…I just really want to be there. Don't you understand?”

Mom sighed. I thought about how strange and replaceable I felt when Samantha had first told me about the reunion. Maybe Mom felt left out too. After all, I had found siblings that she wasn't even related to. “I understand,” she said. “But you know you have to go to the Ross reunion. You understand that, right? You just can't do that to Simon.”

“But, Mom,” I said.

“We can figure this out, Leah.”

“How?”

“I was thinking about it while you were in the bath, and I thought maybe we could compromise. Baltimore isn't that far away from Philadelphia. Maybe I can call Samantha's mother and work out a way for them to come to the Ross reunion. After all, they're your family too.”

“Do you mean it?”

“Well, I can't promise anything. I don't know if they'll all agree to come to Baltimore. But if they do, then why not? Simon's family is so enormous. A few more guests won't hurt anyone.” Mom put her arm around my shoulder and I leaned into her. I started crying again, but it felt different this time.

“It's all right,” Mom said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said.

“Yeah, I know,” Mom said. It felt so good to be leaning up against her that I didn't even correct her.

I
t's amazing that some things really do work out. On the third Saturday in March, Simon drove us down to Baltimore. It was the same park we'd been to every year since Mom and Simon had met, but it looked different this time. Maybe it was because we had moved away and being in Baltimore didn't feel like being home anymore. Even though there were a few clouds swirling around, everything looked really bright and brand new.

“I hope it doesn't rain,” Mom told Simon as we stepped out of the car. “It would destroy your mother's theory.”

“What theory?” I asked.

“It's never rained at a Ross family reunion,” Simon said. “Your grandmother thinks that's a sign that the family will always be lucky.” I didn't really mind that he'd called his mother my grandmother. “What do you think, Chuck?” Simon asked.

“The clouds sort of look like polar bears,” Charlie said.

“Polar bears? I don't think they have any polar bears in Baltimore,” Simon said.

“But they have polar bears in Canada,” Charlie said. “Real live ones, not just cloud ones. Can we go there?”

“To Canada?” Mom asked. Charlie nodded. “Not right now,” Mom said. “We just got to Baltimore.”

“I didn't mean now,” Charlie said. “I meant some other time, like maybe next week.”

“Come over here, Chuck,” Simon said, and he grabbed Charlie around the middle and hoisted him up onto his shoulders. The way Simon lifted Charlie up made it look like Charlie barely weighed anything at all. “You lead the way,” Simon told him, and Charlie pointed to the picnic tables in the distance.

Mom came over and reached for my hand. I had spoken to Samantha from the car. Henry and Andrew and their mothers had flown into Philadelphia from California, and Tate and his mother had driven to Haverford. Anna Holland had rented a van, and they were all driving together from Pennsylvania to Baltimore. Samantha told me they were running a little late because there had been a long line at the car rental agency. She said there had been a mistake in the computer and the man at the agency had told them there weren't any vans left. But it all worked out and they would be there soon. In about a half hour I would see my half sister and meet my other half brothers. I gripped Mom's hand tightly, just like a little kid. Ever since I'd gotten my period and Mom had told me I was growing up, I was feeling younger than ever. “Nervous?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Me too,” Mom told me. “In fact, I'm
very
nervous. So is Simon. But we're excited for you too.” She squeezed my hand a few times, the way she used to when I was little and we held hands a lot. She would squeeze my hand a few times, and then I would squeeze hers back the same number of times. I squeezed her hand back just like I used to do.

Simon's mother came running toward us. Every year she goes around with a camera hanging around her neck. She says her job at the reunion is to take pictures of everyone and “document the day for posterity.” Simon always makes fun of her for it, because she's so busy taking pictures that she never sits down and just enjoys everyone being there. But I think taking pictures is Grandma Diane's way of enjoying the day. She orders copies of her favorite pictures, tapes them all up on poster boards, and decorates the trees around the park benches with all the posters she's made of the pictures from the past years. “Leah, Meredith, smile!” Simon's mother called as Mom and I walked over to her. We stopped in our tracks to pose for a picture.

“Hey, Ma,” Simon called. “We just got here. There'll be plenty of time for pictures.”

“Well, you know me, dear,” she said. “I like to get started early.” She stood on her tiptoes to hug Simon hello, and tugged at Charlie's legs.

“Hey, Grandma,” Charlie called. “Do you see the polar bears in the sky?” Simon lifted him off his shoulders, and Grandma Diane bent down to Charlie's level. He pointed up to the clouds and I heard him tell her that Mom and Simon said maybe next week we would all go to Canada. Mom dropped my hand to say hello to all of the relatives. I knew I was supposed to say hello to everyone too, but I felt sort of funny because of everything that was about to happen. I was sure they all knew about it. They all knew how Mom had gone to Lyon's Reproductive Services, and now they all knew that I was going to see Samantha and meet the rest of my donor siblings for the first time. I walked around the picnic tables and looked at the posters Simon's mother had made. There were pictures of me starting when I was seven years old, just before Mom and Simon got married. In one of them I was sitting on Simon's shoulders the way Charlie did now. Then there were a bunch of pictures of Charlie when he was a baby, and everyone holding him. Grandma Diane said he looked exactly like Simon did when he was a baby, but Mom told me she thought Charlie really took after her side of the family. “How're you doing, Leah?” Simon asked from behind me.

“Okay I guess,” I said.

“All these pictures are really something, aren't they?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“It's amazing to see how everyone has gotten older. I mean, look at this one.” He pointed to the picture of me on his shoulders. “Do you even remember when I could pick you up like that?” I shrugged. “And now here you are,” Simon continued. “You're a young woman.” I felt my cheeks get hot. I hated thinking about how Simon knew I'd gotten my period. “I hope you have a good time today, Leah,” he said. “You know, no matter what, your mom and I will always be here for you.”

“I know that,” I said. Mom had told me the same thing at least a dozen times in the last couple of months.

“Good,” he said. “Now come say hello to everyone. Your aunt Amy was just asking about you.”

I followed Simon over to his sister, Amy. The baby was almost four months old now. He could hold his head up, which he hadn't been able to do when we'd seen him over New Year's. Simon walked away from us to help his brother with the barbecue. “Do you want to hold him?” Amy asked me.

“Can I?” I asked.

“Of course,” Amy said. “Here,” she said, and she handed the baby to me. “Just rock him a little. He's less fussy when you're standing and rocking.”

I leaned the baby up against my left arm and swayed back and forth. He grabbed at my hair and yanked it. “Whoa,” I said. “He's really strong.”

“That's why I always wear my hair back now,” Amy said. She took a clip out of her pocket. “I always keep extras handy,” she said. She stood behind me and gathered my hair together. “Come on, Asher, let go of your cousin's hair. Good boy.” I heard a little click as Amy pressed the clip together. She turned my face in her hands. “Well, it's kind of a bumpy ponytail, but it looks all right,” she said.

“Thanks,” I said. I talked to Amy for a little while. For a baby, Asher got heavy pretty quickly, so I handed him back over.

“Wait until you have a baby,” Amy told me. “You feel worn down and tired all the time, but you get major arm muscles from all the heavy lifting!”

“Omigod, Leah! Leah!” It was Samantha's voice. I spun around, and there she was running toward me. Suddenly I remembered my bumpy ponytail. I didn't want to see Samantha and meet my brothers with a messed-up ponytail. I pulled Amy's clip out of my hair and shook my head so my hair fell back over my shoulders, and then I ran toward Samantha. We met in the middle, and spun around and around.

When we let go, everyone was looking at us. There was Anna Holland standing with a group of people that I knew had to be my donor half brothers and their mothers, and Mom and Simon, and Charlie, and all of the Ross relatives. I imagined all of Simon's relatives thinking how weird it was to have my donor siblings there at the reunion. But I smiled because no matter how strange everyone thought it was, Samantha was still my sister. It was like Avery said—I couldn't worry so much about what other people were thinking. Samantha introduced me to Henry, Andrew, and Tate. They looked like they did in the picture Samantha had shown me. Henry and Andrew both had brown hair and olive skin, like Samantha and me. Tate's hair was lighter and his skin was a little paler, but he had green eyes. Mom took Charlie by the hand and walked over with him and Simon to meet everyone.

Charlie clung to Mom, the way he did when he was feeling shy. Mom and I had tried to explain it to him—how I had been born before Mom met Simon, and how I had had a donor and not a daddy, and how there were some other kids with the same donor. Even though Charlie is really smart, it was still pretty hard for him to understand. Now Charlie was pressing his face into Mom's middle. I pulled at his arm. Hey, Charlie,” I said. “Remember how you said you wanted to meet Samantha? Now you can!” He let go of Mom and grabbed on to my arm. “This is Charlie,” I told Samantha. “And this is my sister, Samantha.” I felt the words catch in my throat a little, and Charlie noticed it too.

“Are you going to cry?” he asked. His voice sounded shaky, like he was getting ready to cry in case I was about to.

“Don't worry,” I told Charlie. “If I cry, it's just because I'm happy.”

“You can't cry when you're happy,” Charlie said.

Samantha's eyes started to look shiny, and she blinked a few times. “Sure you can,” she said.

Charlie looked back and forth between Samantha and me. I could tell he was trying to figure everything out. Then he threw his head back and laughed his deep laugh. “That's the funniest thing I've ever heard,” he said.

Simon's brother, Eric, yelled out that he had a bunch of hot dogs ready. “I want one! I want one!” Charlie yelled, and he raced over to the barbecue. Samantha and I followed behind him. I heard Amy tell Eric to put one of the hot dogs back on the barbecue and make it really burned.

“That's not good for you, dear,” Grandma Diane told her.

“Nothing about hot dogs is good for you, Ma,” Amy said.

Tate walked over to Samantha and me. “You know
all
these people?” he asked me.

I nodded. “They're sort of my family,” I told him.

“So we get to eat the hot dogs?”

“Of course,” I said. “They're making burgers, too. You can have anything you want.”

“Oh, awesome,” Tate said.

A few minutes later I was sitting at a picnic table eating hot dogs with Samantha, Henry, Andrew, and Tate. It was hard not to stare at them. I decided we all had the same eyes, sort of. We definitely looked similar. Maybe it was our foreheads or our chins. I fingered my cheekbones. “Are you okay?” Samantha asked.

“Absolutely,” I said. I picked up the mustard and squirted some onto my hot dog, and then held the bottle out to Henry.

“No, thanks,” he said. “I hate condiments of all kinds.”

“Really?” I asked. “But I love condiments.”

“I hate them too,” Andrew said.

“I only like ketchup,” Tate said.

“It's so weird that we're all related,” I said.

“I know, it's crazy,” Samantha said.

“I keep trying to figure out if we look alike,” I said. “I can't believe we don't like the same condiments!”

“We all like hot dogs,” Tate said, and I laughed.

“So this is the Hoffman-Ross family,” Samantha said. She held out her hand and gestured toward all of the other picnic tables. “They make very tasty hot dogs.”

“Well, it's the Ross family. My mom and I are the only Hoffman-Rosses.”

“Oh, that's right,” she said. “Well, they all seem nice. I told you it would work out.”

“I know,” I said. “I guess I shouldn't have worried so much.”

“What were you worried about?” Andrew asked.

“I don't know really,” I said. “I guess I was just worried about what people would think about me. I mean, it's different, having a donor. And Simon has this huge normal family.”

“No family is ‘normal,'” Samantha said.

“That's not what I meant,” I said.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Henry said. “Like when Andrew and I had to change schools because we moved to California, and people thought it was weird that we have two moms. But you know, that's just our life and we can't expect other people to accept it if we don't accept it ourselves.”

“You sound like Mom,” Andrew said as he rolled his eyes.

“No, really,” Henry said. “We just had to accept it and not try to hide it. And pretty soon, everyone at school got used to it, so it's not a big deal anymore.”

“Well, you guys are a big deal to me,” I said. “But a big deal in a good way. I'm really glad you're here.”

“Me too,” Samantha said.

“Me too,” Tate said. “It's cool here, and I have a new joke to tell you. Ready?”

“Ready,” I said.

“Okay,” he said. “How do porcupines play leapfrog?”

“I don't know. How?”

“Very carefully,” Tate said. “Get it? Because they're so prickly, they have to be careful.”