My So-Called Family (14 page)

“Sorry,” he said. “I know they're your friends too, right?”

“Yes, they are,” I said.

“You really are an old soul,” Chase said, and I shrugged again. “It's very cool,” he continued. “You're easy to talk to. But I shouldn't complain to you. Anyway, it's not so bad, and I know you're going through some really bad stuff with your family.”

“You know?” I asked. I felt my palms getting slippery and I gripped the can of soda tighter.

“Yeah,” Chase said. “And I want you to know that I think you're really brave. It's cool, you know.”

“It's not so cool,” I said stepping backward a little.

Chase stepped forward and put his hand on my shoulder. “That's not what I meant,” he said.

Suddenly I felt like we were standing too close, and I wanted to get away. “Can you tell Avery that I had to go?” I asked.

“Leah, don't go,” he said. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.”

At that moment Avery came running down the stairs waving something in her hand. “Leah!” she said. “Look at this!”

“I gotta go,” I said. I turned around and headed toward the door.

“Leah, I'm sorry,” Chase said again, but I didn't turn around. I pulled open the front door. Behind me I could hear Avery asking Chase what had happened.

“What did you say this time?” she asked. I closed the door before I could hear what he said, and I ran down the cobblestone path. I knew Avery would probably follow me and I didn't want to talk to her, but the cobblestones were pretty bumpy and it was hard to run. I had almost made it to the sidewalk when I tripped and fell. I was still holding the can of Coke, but it slipped out of my hand. It must have landed on something sharp because it burst open and the soda sprayed out. “Leah!” Avery said. “Are you all right?”

I stood up and wiped the soda off my shirt. My face was wet too, partly from crying and partly from the soda. “Just leave me alone,” I said, turning away from her. I started walking again, but this time I was more careful. I didn't feel steady on my feet anymore.

“Leah, please,” Avery said. “I know you think I told Chase about your family, but I didn't. I swear.”

I spun back around. “Then how does he know? Did you tell Brenna or Callie and one of them told him?”

“No,” she said. “I promised that I wouldn't say anything, and I didn't. I don't know how he knows. I guess my mom told him.”

We stood there staring at each other, like those contests I used to have with Heidi when I was little—we'd stare at each other and wait to see who blinked first. I realized that I believed Avery about not telling Chase, but I couldn't help but be mad. I hated people knowing things about me. Everything seemed out of control. “I knew I should never tell anyone about this,” I said finally.

“But I'm glad you told me,” Avery said. “Come back inside, please. You have soda in your hair.” She started to step toward me, but I shook my head.

“I can't go back in there,” I said.

“Why? Because of Chase?” I nodded. “Listen, Leah,” Avery said, “you really worry too much about what other people think. You don't have to cry. It's really no big deal.” She always said things weren't a big deal, and I was jealous of her for thinking that way about everything. I wanted to be more like her. The only time she ever talked about crying was when she couldn't watch her favorite stars on TV anymore. But I also wished she could understand that everything with my family was a big deal—a very big deal—to me. Avery never really thought about things being a big deal to other people.

“You just don't understand,” I told her.

“You know, you're not the only one with bad stuff,” Avery said. “You think it's so easy for me to be Chase Monahan's sister? My dad keeps going on and on about how it would have meant so much to him to have a child of his go to Yale, and now he won't. It's like I don't even exist. He doesn't even ask to see my report card. And by the way, I got an A-minus on that math exam. Can you believe it? It's like a miracle because I didn't even finish the test. That's what I wanted to show you. My dad didn't care because it's not an A, and besides I'll never be as good as Chase.”

I know it sounds stupid and shallow, but I hadn't ever really thought about Avery having problems. She was popular and beautiful, and nothing ever really seemed to bother her. I'd never even seen her hair look messy. Even when it was windy out, her hair always seemed to fall the right way. “I don't know what to say,” I said. “I mean, you
are
as good as Chase.”

“Not to my dad I'm not,” Avery said. “But it's okay. My point is, everyone has something that makes them feel bad about themselves. Like Brenna's so obsessed with what she eats so she doesn't end up like her mother, and Callie won't invite anyone over to her place because she lives in a small apartment and they don't have a lot of money.”

“I didn't know that,” I said.

“But if you did, would you like them any less? If Brenna gained ten pounds or if Callie's family had to move to an even smaller apartment, would you stop being their friend?”

“No, of course not,” I said.

“You see?” she said. “None of it matters that much, and no one would stop liking you, either. I know that Brenna and Callie wouldn't change their minds about you if they knew. And Chase still likes you. He says you're the only one of my friends he actually likes hanging out with. But you don't give anyone any credit. You're so busy worrying what they're going to think.”

“I'm not even sure what to think about it myself,” I said.

“Just come back inside, please,” Avery said. “Don't run away again.”

“I don't run away.”

“Yeah, you do. You ran over here when your mom found out, and then you ran away from Brenna's house when we were studying—I don't even know why. And now you were just running again.”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. My face felt sticky. I felt like I could start crying again.

“Come on,” Avery said. She held her hand out to me. “Will you please come inside? You can borrow a shirt since yours is all wet. I really want to get out of the house. It's so warm outside, we could even get ice cream. We should get it today before it starts to be freezing again.”

I took Avery's hand, and she squeezed mine and then pulled me toward the house. We went inside and I changed my shirt and washed my face, and then we did end up going out for ice cream. We sat in the same booth we had been in with Charlie and Callie, where I had been so worried about Callie reading my palm in case I had a bad family line. It seemed like a long time ago.

On the way home I thought a lot about what Avery had said about running away and not giving anyone any credit. I wondered if that was true about Mom and Simon, too. I hadn't really ever tried to explain to them everything about Samantha, and I hadn't told them anything about the sibling reunion in March. When I had asked Mom about the Ross family reunion, I hadn't told her why I didn't want to go. But maybe if I really explained it all, she would understand. Maybe I just had to stop being scared of telling people what I was thinking. I decided that I would ask Mom about going to Samantha's in March.

O
n my way home from ice cream with Avery, I decided exactly what I would say to Mom. I went over my conversation again and again in my head so I would remember what to say. We would sit down in my room and for once Charlie wouldn't come in and bother us. I would be very calm and I wouldn't cry or yell at all. I would explain how I'd first discovered the Lyon's Sibling Registry, and how awful it was when I saw it because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or get in trouble for using the credit card. But I'd decided that I had to sign up because I thought about how Charlie and I were half siblings. I loved Charlie so much—and if I had other half siblings, I wanted to know them, too. I would tell Mom how I had gotten to know Samantha. At first it was just over the phone and a few e-mails, and then Avery and Chase told me they were going to Haverford and it was like a sign that I was supposed to meet Samantha in person. I would say how important Samantha was to me now, and how much I wanted to meet Andrew, Tate, and Henry. And in my head, when I was all done, Mom would be crying a little but also smiling, and she would hug me and say that she understood that I needed to miss the Ross family reunion just this once.

When I got home, Charlie was in the den watching
The Lion King
for the millionth time. “Hey, Leah,” he said. “Can you watch with me?”

“I have to talk to Mom first,” I told him.

“But she's working,” Charlie said.

“I'll be back in a little bit,” I said.

I walked back toward the kitchen. Mom was sitting in her little office. She had gotten a letter back from her editor about her book, and her editor had said she needed to tweak some things and add a chapter, so I knew she had to be working on that. Mom hates to be interrupted when she's writing. It's like she gets into a writing groove, and if we bother her, she's afraid she won't be able to get back into it. But I had finally worked up the courage to talk to Mom, and I had it all planned in my head. I wanted to talk to her as soon as possible, before I chickened out or forgot everything I wanted to say. I leaned against the side of the doorway. “Hey, Mom,” I said. “Can we talk a minute?”

“Oh, Leah, I didn't know you were home.”

“I just got home,” I said. “I'm sorry to bother you. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Well, I can take a break for a minute,” Mom said.

I took a deep breath. For some reason, I thought it would be easier to talk to Mom if I were sitting down, but the only chair in Mom's office is her desk chair and she was already sitting on it. There's a small filing cabinet across from the desk. It had papers piled on top, so I picked them up and sat down on top of the cabinet. I could feel my heart begin to beat a little faster. I closed my eyes for a second and tried to calm down and remember what I wanted to say, but all of a sudden it was all jumbled up. I opened my eyes and Mom was staring at me. Her eyebrows were furrowed a little bit, which made the skin between her eyes bunch up and wrinkle. It's the face she makes when she's starting to get worried. “What's going on?” she asked.

“You know the Ross family reunion in March?” I asked.

“Yes, of course,” Mom said. “What about it?”

“Well, the thing is…actually…Do you remember Samantha? She's the girl from the Lyon's Sibling Registry?”

“Of course I remember,” Mom said.

“The thing is, she's planning a donor sibling reunion that same weekend. I'd get to see her, and meet my three half brothers.”

“Oh, Leah, do we have to do this now? I have about thirty minutes before your brother gets bored of his video and wants something to eat, and I'm in the middle of this chapter.”

“It's just…I know you're busy. But, Mom, this is important.”

“You're coming with us in March,” Mom said. “That is not negotiable.”

“But, Mom, you're not…You don't understand.” I was fumbling over my words. I'd started the wrong way because I was nervous. I shouldn't have told her right away that the reunions were the same weekend. I should have started with how much I loved Charlie, and how that was connected to my other half siblings. Maybe then she would have understood. Mom had stopped looking worried and now she just looked impatient. I could tell she wanted me to leave her alone so she could go back to writing.

“Leah,” Mom said. “I can't deal with this now. You are a member of this family—the family right here in this house. Simon might not be your biological father, but he is your father. He's been there at all your school events, he has worried about you, he has supported you, he's home for dinner every night with you. That's what makes someone family. Maybe you don't understand that right now, but one day you will.” I started to interrupt, but Mom held up her hand. “No, Leah, the Ross reunion is something we do, as a family, every year. Everyone in Simon's family will be there, and that includes you. You can't just suddenly decide you don't feel like going.”

“But it's not that I suddenly don't want to go.”

“Good, because you're going,” Mom said.

“Stop it and listen to me for a second! It's not that I don't feel like going. You know I usually go, and I hang out with all the people in Simon's family like I'm supposed to. And it's not my fault that everything is on the same weekend. But I've gone to Simon's reunion every year, and besides we just saw Simon's family. I've never had the chance to hang out with my other siblings before.”

“They're not as important as your family,” Mom said.

“They are my family!” I cried.

“Oh, Leah,” Mom said. “Please, not this again.”

“They are, no matter what you say. And just because you don't think something is important doesn't mean it isn't important to me. You're just not listening to me.”

“I am listening to you,” Mom said. “You're not listening to me. I'm the grown-up. I know what's best. You can't pretend not to be a part of this family. Now I'm in the middle of a chapter, Leah, so we can talk more about this later.”

“But, Mom, it's not fair!”

Of course that was the absolute wrong thing to say to Mom. “Don't start with what is not fair,” she said. “You don't know what it means to have an unfair life. There are people in this world who deal with terrible things every day. But you have two parents who adore you and who take care of you, you have a brother who worships you, you have a roof over your head, you're healthy, you go to a wonderful school, you have friends. Do you need me to keep going?” I shook my head. I could tell Mom would never listen to me. Samantha would be so disappointed, and I wouldn't get to meet the boys. “All right, then,” Mom said. She turned back to her computer.

I stood up. I knew I was going to start crying and Mom wouldn't care. I was still holding Mom's papers, but instead of putting them back on top of the cabinet, I held them up and then opened up my hands so they fluttered to the floor.

Mom turned away from her computer and saw the mess on the floor. “That's just great, Leah,” she said, looking back and forth from the floor to me. “You expect me to let you make grown-up decisions, and then you act immature when you don't get your way. Pick those up and put them back where you found them.”

“No,” I said.

“Leah, I've had about enough of this,” Mom said.

“I've had enough too,” I said. I left the papers where they were, scattered on the floor of Mom's little office. She would have to clean them up herself. I pounded my way through the kitchen into the front hall.

“Hey, Leah,” Charlie called as I passed by the den. I knew he wanted me to watch the video with him, but I was sick of trying to be anyone's sister. It was like I was always failing. “Leah!” Charlie called again. “Hey, Dudette!”

He started laughing at his own joke, his deep-throated laugh that makes him sound much older than five years old, the one that Mom says sounds like her father. He got up to chase after me, stumbling because he was still laughing, but I held my hand out toward him. “Leave me alone,” I said.

I started up the stairs. If Avery could have seen me, maybe she would have said I was running away again. But I didn't care. Charlie had stopped laughing. He was still following me. “Leah, what's the matter?” he said.

I spun around. “I said leave me alone!”

“Are you crying?” Charlie asked, his voice catching a little like he was about to start crying too. He always cries when he sees me crying. Usually I try not to cry in front of him because it makes him so upset. But right then I didn't care about Charlie.

“Get away from me!” I screamed at him. “I hate you! I hate all of you!” I ran up the stairs as Charlie started to wail. I heard Mom running toward the front hall. When I got to my room, I slammed the door as hard as I could. Then I pushed in the little button on the doorknob so it would lock and Charlie wouldn't be able to come in. I flopped down on my bed and buried my face in my pillow. The pillow was so soft. It had been Mom's pillow from when she was a little girl, and over the years it had lost a lot of its fluff. But it was a great pillow to burrow into and I pressed my face in harder. It was hard to breathe but I didn't care. A few seconds later I heard Mom's footsteps in the hallway. She didn't even knock before she tried to come in. I could hear her at the door trying to turn the knob.

“Leah, open this door,” Mom said. I turned so I was no longer facedown in the pillow, but I didn't answer and I didn't stand up to open the door. “Open this door,” Mom said again.

I could hear Charlie whining next to her. “I didn't do anything. Why does Leah hate me?”

“All right, Leah,” Mom said, talking louder so she could be sure I heard her through the door. “You stay in there and don't come out until you are ready to apologize to Charlie and apologize to me. Until then, I don't want to see you.”

I put my face back in my pillow. I wished I didn't ever have to leave my room. I felt like throwing up, and I slipped my hand underneath my stomach and pressed against it. Even though my eyes were closed, it was like everything was spinning. My stomach hurt so much, but I didn't want to leave my room to go to the bathroom. I turned over and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I don't know how long I was lying there. It seemed like a really long time. My stomach was killing me, so finally I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I still felt dizzy so I steadied myself against the wall and walked down the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door and I tried to focus on one thing—the robe hanging on the back of the door—so the room would stop spinning and I could see straight. I looked at the robe as I pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet.

I knew something had to be wrong with me. I clutched my stomach in my arms and bent forward. That's when I saw the blood. There was so much of it. It had seeped through my underwear onto my jeans. I knew it had to be my period, but I wasn't used to it looking this way—dark, dark red and not at all rusty. I stood up and looked down at the toilet. The water was red from all the blood. This couldn't be what Mom had meant when she'd said my period would get heavier. It was so disgusting. There was so much blood I thought maybe I was hemorrhaging. I felt my heart beginning to pound again. I pulled at the toilet paper and pressed it against myself to try to staunch the bleeding, just like Mom did when Charlie cut his finger and needed stitches. “Mom!” I shouted. “Mom!”

Mom didn't answer. Either she didn't hear me or she was just ignoring me. I dropped the bloody toilet paper into the toilet and sucked in my breath. I held the air in the back of my throat for a few seconds, and then I opened my mouth and screamed as loud as I could. It seemed to go on forever and my ears were ringing. I screamed until my throat was raw and I didn't have any breath left. It was all so hard. There was so much blood and nothing was fair, no matter what Mom said.

Afterward it was very quiet, like the quiet that comes after a really bad storm. I swallowed and my throat hurt even more than my stomach. I ripped off another piece of toilet paper and wiped my face and blew my nose. Then I heard Charlie yelling. “Mom, Mom, come quick! Something's wrong with Leah!”

There were footsteps in the hall again and then the door swung open. I hated the door being open when my pants were around my ankles. Even though I still had my shirt on, I felt totally naked. “What's going on with you now?” Mom asked.

“I don't know,” I said. “I'm bleeding so much. I've never seen it like this before.”

Mom stepped forward and saw the blood on my pants. “Your period?” she asked, and I nodded. I was crying again and I gulped because it was hard to breathe and cry at the same time.

In an instant Mom's whole face softened. “It's okay,” she said. “Really. My period was very heavy when I was your age. Don't worry. You're going to be fine. You just need to get cleaned up. Do you still have that box of pads I bought you?” I nodded.

“They're under the sink,” I said. My voice came out like a whisper.

“All right,” Mom said. She turned on the faucet in the bathtub. “I'm going to get you some clean underwear. Just take a bath and get cleaned up, okay?”