My Perfect Imperfections (5 page)

My name is Lily Cooper, and I’ve lived with Cerebral Palsy for eighteen years. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned to make the most out of my life—at least until that dreaded ride home from prom.

Once I’m secured into the van, Layna drives toward our house. Even though it has begun to rain, it doesn’t dampen my mood.

“Well?” she asks. “Wasn’t that fun?”

“Ya,” I answer, nodding my head. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this happy.

“Did you see James? He was dancing with that red-headed bimbo all night.”

“Ya,” I respond. I did notice it. I’m pretty sure he was upset that Layna didn’t go to prom with him and was trying to make her jealous. What an idiot!

“I guess it’s good I saw his true colors. I mean, to think I would have wasted my summer on that jerk,” Layna continues.

She’s too good for him. I’m glad she witnessed his immature behavior.

“My summer is busy anyway. I’ll be working and getting ready for college. Who has time for losers?”

Although Layna pretends like she doesn’t care, I know her better. From the way she keeps talking about it and the fact that she’s driving kind of fast around the curves, I can tell that James has upset her. Doesn’t she realize that he has nothing on her?

“I mean, I actually saw him kissing her. He knew I was right there! He totally did that on purpose!” The more Layna continues, the more worked up she’s becoming.

I desperately think of ways to try to distract her. The rain is now coming down hard, and it’s becoming near impossible to see through the windshield. I bite my lip hard to swallow a scream when I feel the tires sliding on the slippery road a few times. Layna is oblivious that she’s driving much too fast in the rain.

The headlights come from nowhere, blinding us. I blink, wondering why they are so bright. Where did they come from?

My heart stops beating. I hold my breath.

Layna slams on the brakes to avoid the collision.

“Hold on, Lily!” She spins the steering wheel and the van swerves out of control. I hear the screeching of the breaks and the deafening sound of the collision.

Everything moves in slow motion. Time stands still as the deathly silence encases me. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I simply float.

And then darkness swallows me.

Beep, beep, beep, beep…

What the hell is that? Something is not right.

Beep, beep, beep, beep…

Why can’t I place that sound? I have to open my eyes. For some reason, my eyelids weigh a ton.

Beep, beep, beep, beep…

Everything feels wrong. I must wake up. I must try to fix it.

Unfortunately, I’m useless. Not only do my eyes remain closed no matter how hard I try, but my unconsciousness overpowers my will to bring myself to a waking state.

Beep, beep, beep, beep…

I lose the battle and give in to the darkness once more.

“Why isn’t she awake yet?” Somewhere far away in the distance, I hear Mom’s voice.

“She will, honey. She’s strong,” Dad’s quiet voice answers.

“Oh, Bill. What are we going to say to her?” Mom catches her breath.

“Shh, she may be able to hear us.”

Mom’s soft sobbing echoes in my ears.

“I can’t stand this, Bill. Why is this happening?” Mom chokes on her words.

What’s going on? Why do they sound so upset? Suddenly, the memories come flooding back. The accident. We hit something. Why can’t I remember anything?

I have to open my eyes. Why isn’t one of them with Layna? I have to wake up and check on her.

With all my might, I pry my eyes open. Worried sick about Layna, my arms and legs begin flailing about instantly. The more my anxiety builds, the more I lose control of my physical movements.

“Honey, honey, it’s okay.” I hear Dad’s voice as he grabs hold of my arms.

“You’re okay, Lily. Don’t worry. Mommy and Daddy are right here.” Mom puts her head next to mine, trying to use her “soothing” voice.

Whenever Mom uses her “soothing” voice, I know something is terribly wrong.

I yell, “Where is Layna?” Of course, the words don’t come out as planned. Instead, they sound like I’m yelling and screaming in the hospital room, thrashing my body around as the beeping from the monitors go haywire.

“What’s going on here?” The nurse runs into the room. “Her heart rate is going up way too high.” The nurse tries to hold me down.

“She just woke up and became upset,” Mom answers, now even more distressed.

“Lily, you must try to calm down.” I hear Dad’s stern voice attempting to settle me down.

I keep screaming, “Where is Layna?”

Nobody hears me. Nobody understands. Nobody answers.

Before I know it, the nurse injects something in my IV line, and I lose consciousness once again.

The next time I open my eyes, I force myself to remain calm. I know that’s the only way I’ll get any answers.

My parents are still in the room, but neither say a word about Layna. It infuriates me that they don’t answer any of my questioning looks, pretending like they don’t know that I’m inquiring about her.

The entire day, I try to look directly into their eyes, searching for answers. Both continue to avoid my inquiring gaze. Instead, they relentlessly fuss over me and talk about being released from the hospital soon.

“As soon as the doctor releases you, darling, you’ll be coming home. It might be as early as tomorrow,” Mom’s soothing voice continues.

While Mom is a chatterbox, Dad remains mostly quiet. He holds my hand and watches Mom fret over me.

That night, I don’t sleep a wink for fear of missing Layna in case she comes in my room. I know if there’s any way she can check on me, she will find it. Nothing will stop her.

But, Layna doesn’t come that night. Instead, I go home the next day with no Layna in sight.

At home, my parents keep me in bed, insisting I need to rest. Even Duke can sense that something is terribly wrong. He doesn’t leave my side all day long. If it weren’t for him, I would have lost my mind.

All I want is my communication device, so I can directly ask about Layna. Not only do my parents not give me the device, but they only allow me up in my wheelchair to eat and use the bathroom.

Mom continues to fuss over me. She peeks in every half an hour in my room, but doesn’t say anything. While feeding me that afternoon, she insists that I have to eat. No matter how many times she puts the food in my mouth, though, it’s impossible for me to swallow.

At that moment, rage builds inside me. I’ve never hated my parents more than I do right now. How dare they do this to me? Not giving me my communication device is the same as putting duct tape on somebody’s mouth so they can’t talk.

By now, the distress of not seeing Layna yet has me completely shut down. I refuse to eat, and I turn my head away every time my parents try to speak to me. The fear of the unknown eats me alive.

Later that evening, I have a complete breakdown. I scream, and I scream some more. When they try to calm me down, I scream even louder. This time, I won’t stop until I get some answers.

Finally getting the message, my dad runs to my room and attaches my communication device to my wheelchair. As soon as I get my way, I stop the screaming.

“Okay, okay, Lily. You win. We need to talk,” he says, sounding defeated.

Really?

I turn the device on and say, “Layna.”

Mom quickly looks away and Dad clears his throat.

I say again, “Layna.” This time, they will tell me where she is. She’s probably wondering why I haven’t tried to see her yet.

“Lily, Layna is…well, she didn’t make it.” Dad’s voice suddenly begins to tremble.

Before I can process what he’s saying, Mom continues, “She’s in heaven, honey, and she’s happy. But, she’ll always be with us. I promise you. She’ll always look after us, especially you.”

What? What are they saying? How do they know that she’s happy? Her family makes her happy. She should be with us.

Suddenly, it finally sinks in. Layna is dead. That’s what they’re saying. They’re telling me she’s dead.

In that instant, my world turns upside down. My heart breaks into more pieces than it’s made of. The pain is so unbearable it almost feels numb. As everything crumbles around me, I fall into a deep, dark hole.

After all the years of fighting my own inner demons, nothing has ever made me feel like this. The pain cuts deep within my core, and the guilt slowly eats me alive.

It was supposed to be me. I was the one who was supposed to die in that accident. Layna should be alive. I know now that she purposefully swerved the van so that she would take most of the impact. Even until her last breath, Layna protected me.

Why? Why did she do that? Didn’t she know that I’d be left torturing myself every single day, reliving that horrible drive home?

I fall and keep falling. Nothing can pull me back out.

I refuse to attend the wake and the funeral. No matter how much my parents try to persuade me, I don’t budge. If I go, it will be too final. Although I know Layna is gone, I don’t seem to have the courage to acknowledge it. Going to the funeral would force me to accept it.

“Lily, I know it’s hard, but I think it’s important to come to your sister’s funeral,” Dad says. “I really wish you would change your mind.”

Instead of answering, I drive my wheelchair to my room and close the door.

My personal helper, Lauren, comes over before my parents leave. She enters my room and sits down on my bed. “Do you want to talk, Lily?”

I shake my head no.

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone. I just want to say that I know you’re really upset right now, but trust me, everything happens for a reason. You’ll see. You just have to trust God.”

I’ll see? There is no reason for this. No reason! Layna was full of life. She was going to be somebody big. She was going to do great things in this world. She was one in a million. Why would your so-called “God” do something so cruel to somebody so special? Why would he end her life when she had just begun to live? There is no reason. And no, I will never see.

Because I want to be left alone, I scream at her. I don’t stop screaming until she says, “Fine, I’m leaving. I’ll be outside your room if you need anything.”

Later, I find out that everybody from school came to Layna’s funeral. Why wouldn’t they? She was loved by so many. Everybody said goodbye to her. Everybody, except for me.

That day, as Layna is buried underground, I bury myself into my personal hell hole.

Maybe pain is its own entity. Maybe that’s why it has the power to consume one’s soul.

I refuse to attend the graduation. I can’t even imagine being there without Layna. Most days, I stay in my room with Duke. Even when my high school diploma is mailed to me, I don’t have any interest in opening it.

The next two years are the worst two years of my life. Although Dad has permanently moved in, I have completely shut down. My mom is not doing much better. Dad has both of us in therapy, and we’re both on anti-depressants. They don’t help. Some days it hurts so bad that I just want to end it all. Maybe I’ll find Layna in the afterlife.

So, I die slowly every day. I can’t let the past go. I can’t say goodbye to Layna. I can’t cry. I can’t smile. I can’t eat. I just exist.

Duke is the only one who motivates me to wake up every morning. He has become my best friend. I swear he can sense my every emotion. Maybe Layna was right about animals. Maybe they do have a sixth sense. Maybe that’s the reason I don’t need to talk for him to understand my feelings.

Although I have no will to leave the house, Dad forces me to go to college. He comes into my room one day and says, “You can’t lock yourself in your room forever, Lily. It doesn’t work that way. You may hate me for this, but since you’re in no state to make any decisions, I’m going to make them for you. You will go to college and get your degree. You have no choice in that matter.”

And that’s that. I know my father enough to know that when he puts his foot down on something, that’s the end of the discussion.

I schedule my classes so they’re either lumped together before lunch on a particular day or after lunch. That way, I don’t have to worry about eating lunch there. Luckily, Dad’s job is flexible enough where he can take me and pick me up.

I force myself to go through the motions. Not because I agree. I do it for him. After all, Dad has to be strong not only for me, but also for Mom.

I soon learn that college keeps me busy. The busier I remain, the more the pain stays away. Some days are actually somewhat tolerable.

When Dad brings me home from college one day, I sense immediately that something is wrong with Duke. He normally greets me at the door, but today, he has remained in this doggy bed.

I immediately drive my wheelchair to him, and he slowly lifts his head at me.

Dad follows me and sits next to Duke. “What’s wrong, boy?”

He then brings him some food and water, but Duke refuses both. Dad tries to stand him up, but after a couple of steps, Duke collapses.

“Let’s take him to the vet, Lily, and ask the doctor what’s wrong with our boy.” He calls Mom at work and notifies her.

My head spins the entire ride to the vet. Feeling nauseated from worrying, I wait anxiously until the vet can speak to us. We find out that Duke seems to be having mini strokes. He says sometimes they stop on their own, but occasionally they can lead to a major stroke.

“Duke is old now, and sometimes this happens. Really, unless you’re willing to spend a lot of money on tests and surgeries, I don’t know what else you can do. Because of his age, I don’t even recommend any surgeries. He probably wouldn’t survive it.”

I hold back the tears until I reach home. Once Dad puts Duke on his bed, I request to lie down with him. Dad places me next to Duke, and I hug him tight.

When Mom rushes home from work, she lies down with us as well, right there on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Lily.” Hearing Mom’s shaky voice and seeing her red eyes, I know she’s been crying as well.

The rest of the evening, I refuse to do anything else but stay with Duke. Finally, as the night progresses, Dad carries both of us to my bed.

As I continue to cuddle with Duke all night, I think of all of our happy moments. I wonder if he can sense thoughts because once in a while he kisses my face or my hand.

Duke, you are my everything. I wish you would stay with me. Besides Layna, you’ve been the only one who has understood me. What am I going to do without you?

Duke once again kisses me.

I hope you’re not in any pain. God, please don’t let him hurt. If he’s coming to you, please help him find Layna
.

Through the tears, the thought of Layna and Duke being together gives me some sense of peace.

As Duke’s breathing becomes shallower, I can’t seem to stop my sobbing. Mom and Dad must have heard me because they run into my room. They both kneel around the bed, knowing the end is near.

Duke, I love you and always will. Thank you for being my best friend.

Somehow, Duke manages to open his eyes. He looks straight at me and kisses my tears. Just as quickly, his eyes close, and I can barely hear him breathing. Desperately, I try to give him one more message.

Duke, look for Layna. She will be waiting for you. Please tell her I’ll see her soon.

He is gone.

And “soon” doesn’t come soon enough for me.

My depression goes from bad to worse. I continue to attend college, but I stay to myself. My parents can’t help me. The medicines can’t help me. And, my psychiatrist can’t help me.

I have no idea of the purpose of my existence anymore. I question what it is in this world that is still keeping me alive.

If nothing else, at least my parents seem to have picked up the pieces and have found one another again. It gives me a sense of peace to see them happy. I know that Layna would have been ecstatic to see them together like this.

As I watch their interaction during dinner, I wonder about human nature. It has taken Layna’s death for them to realize their love for one another. I sigh. People take so much for granted. If they only realize how lucky they are before it’s too late. I guess losing something so precious has opened my parents’ eyes to what’s been right in front of them all along.