My Boyfriend is a Monster (9 page)

Cowering into the seat Louis just sat quietly looking forward while the van moved slowly forward. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore. “My God Bo-Bo, you dis slow when you make da sweet love to yourself?”

“That . . .” he started while concentrating on the task at hand, “is private.”

“Park it like you at da climax part,” Louis said making over exaggerated jerk off actions and ridiculous faces to go with them. “Quick and awkward, oh yes . . . oh yes, yes.”

“Seriously, what is wrong with you? Did your mama drop you?”

“YOU,” Louis gasped horrified. “You know she did.”

Bo began to giggle. “You are a bona fide, certified, idiot.”

“Big talk for a man who could not even anticipate the right street to turn on,” he said getting in on the giggles. “Do you know what anticipate mean?”

Suddenly Bo extended his arm and popped Louis right across his face causing him to grab his nose and reel in pain. “OWE, why you do dat?”

Bo took a deep breath then mockingly explained like a teacher would a third grader. “I an-ti-ci-pated you needed some assistance.”

“Damn Bo-Bo, dat hurt like Mr. Son of a bitch.”

“Mm-Hmm, who’s - my bitch?”

Suddenly the van hit the curb with a violent thud. Smiling Louis
turned to his oversized brother. “I don’t know who your bitch,” he said smugly pointing his thumb out the window. “But you definitely da curbs bitch.” Darting his head back out the window he decided to turn it into a question and answer period. “Why you fucking hit it like dat? Better yet, how fuck you go so slow and still hit da curb?”

“Don’t be cussing me,
you know it just makes me nervous,” Bo said putting it into reverse.

“If a squirrel fart in da woods it make you nervous.”

Suddenly Bo Slammed on the brakes causing Louis to lunge forward and whack his forehead off the dash board. Bo turned to him laughing silently in a fit unable to talk.

Meanwhile Louis checked himself to see if he was bleeding. “I gonna sue you for negligence you big Gorilla,” he said rubbing his forehead. Blinking a couple of times to correct his vision he turned to see that his brother was still laughing
silently and fighting to breath. “What so funny?”

Struggling for air he finally burst. “Squirrel farting - now that’s funny,” he said hitting Louis on the shoulder so hard it sent him
sideways bouncing his head off the door frame.

“Son-bitch,” he painfully yelped. Leaning back he quickly noticed
an actual dent and began looking for blood, again.

“You think it smells like peanuts?” Bo asked s
ending himself into another fit of waving his arms and kicking at the floor.

Staring at him in disbelief he turned arou
nd hearing tapping on the door. His face turned from bitter disdain to over joy as he burst out of the window with his arms open and ready for a hug from his other brother.

His other brother was not as over joyed.
“Your late, park it around back,” Nathan said walking back into his store without hugging him.

“Fuck you too,” Louis said sliding back into the truck. He turned to Bo who was about to say something, “Just park around back Magilla.”

“Magilla the Gorilla,” he said starting to chuckle.

“Oh, it’s ok if I give you cute cartoon name and call you a monkey.”

“Magilla isn’t a monkey . . . he’s an ape, asshole,” Bo corrected him with a laugh.

“Should’ve told him to have a tea or take da nap. Since we gonna be awhile,” he sighed. The van took a long slow U turn then went back up the street and turned left. It wasn’t quite as painful since the back street was empty and Bo just had to drive until he saw Nathan hold out his hand and stop. Hopping out of the passenger side Louis stretched then looked at Nathan and opened his arms up a second time. “Come give me da hug you fucker,” he yelled. Running at him with his arms still open he ignored his brother’s gestures not to and wrapped his arms around him. “I miss you Bro,” he said grabbing his cheeks and pinching them together until his mouth resembled a fishes.

“I-Missed-You-Too,” Nathan replied as well as he could with his cheeks mushed together.

Watching Louis being pushed out of the way he
felt two massive arms engulf him and lift him into the air. Hugging him so tight until their cheeks mashed together Nathan could hear the muffled giggles of his Herculean brother. He decided to close his eyes and go to his happy place until the massacre was over while the giant began planting giant kisses on his forehead. Timidly he opened one eye to a familiar smile.

“I missed you Nathan, did you miss me?” Bo asked still squeezing his brother in his arms.

Nathan fought for breath trying to answer. Louis thought he resembled more of an animal on a nature show being slowly killed by constriction. Seeing his brother’s face start to change a dark shade of purple he decided to save him. “Okay you big Anaconda, you gonna break him for Christ sake.”

Releasing him from his mighty embrace Nathan dropped to his feet instantly bending over. Shooting back up and taking a deep breath he paused to let the blood to start flowing normally again. “So . . .” he began. “How was . . . the trip up?”

“With this Cooyon,” Louis said rolling his eyes.

Bo did not register the comment
. “It was a delightful trip, beautiful weather and-” he stopped short. Realizing Louis’s comment he started to clench his fist. Looking at him with a hate only a brother could project and another brother could recognize he gave him a warning, with a smile. “I’m gonna break your face.” Then his smile faded. “Don’t call me a Cooyon!” he yelled then abruptly went calm turning to Nathan and continuing. “It was a lovely trip, thank you for asking.”

“Come on in,” Nathan said laughing. “I’ll show you around.”

Suddenly Louis jumped onto his giant brothers back. “Come on you big ugly Malamute, Musha-Musha,” he yelled kicking at Bo’s behind.

Bo began s
watting and grabbing at him as he tried to pinpoint the speedy Cajun, but he was way too fast. Nathan looked around to make sure no one was in the alley or at a window to see what looked like a small tornado spinning around a Mammoth of a man. It reminded him of the Looney tunes cartoon featuring the Tasmanian Devil. Snickering as he watched Bo swing around left to right and doing full 360’s trying to grab or hit their lighting quick brother with no success. He walked into his store and waited a few moments until Bo finally came through the door looking defeated as his brother was on his back sitting in triumph.

“I have tamed da wild beast,” Louis declared.

Bo started to giggle then demanded, “Get off me fool.”

Jumping down Bo gave him a fake punch that made him flinch and scream a little. Patting Bo on the back happily amused Nathan guided them into his new store.

Giving an approving whistle at all the decorative work already done Louis turned to him. “This is nice Bro, very fanciful.”

Bo turned to Nathan bending his hand at the wrist and adding a lisp to his voice. “Oh yes Nathan, very fanciful.” Nathan and Bo giggled.

Louis did not. “It’s a word you giant ass, it means da elegant, elaborate and exquisite taste, ostentatious even,” Louis finished, smugly raising his one eye brow.

The massive man nudged his giggling brother. “Its queer is what it is,” he countered turning to Louis. “That’s homosexual as in, you like to put the penis, in yo’ mouth,” he said matching his brother’s smugness. Turning back to Nathan he paused for a mere second before he began roaring with a laughter that shook the walls.

Nathan couldn’t help but become infected until the both of them began laughing harder and harder. Becoming so hard it was starting to make their stomachs ache until Bo was in tears looking at Nathan then an upset Louis then back and forth.

“That’s just rude. And ignorant. And homophobic,” Louis said almost offended. “Should be shamed of yer’self,” he said turning to Nathan. “And you too.” Nathan just shrugged his shoulders as to exempt himself from saying anything but the Cajun explained. “For encouraging him, you know he simple.”

Still laughing Bo scooped his angry brother up off his feet and held him as if he was a baby. “Who likes the penis in his mouth? Who?” he baby talked while rocking and hugging Louis who was struggling to break free.

“Let me go you big Galoot,” he said finally being let go and landing on the floor with a thud. Rolling over covered in drywall dust he looked at Nathan while pointing to the wall. “Missed some dry wall nails Bro.”

Laughing Nathan helped him up.

“Got some dry wall dust on you Lou,” the big man said with a proud grin.

“If it was you I guess it da powdered donut dust.”

“That isn’t dust silly, that is confectioner’s sugar on powdered donuts,” he informed him.

Looking at Nathan while dusting himself off Louis began to chuckle. “He getting smarter and smarter every day by God.”

Turning to Louis the hulking brother’s big blue eyes started to glow.  He began to growl like a Lion watching someone get too close to his pride. “Man can only take so much until - Bam!” he exploded punching his fist into his own hand.

“Man? You da freak of nature,” Louis pointed out while slapping Bo on the back and getting dust all over his shirt. Noticing how big the dust cloud was that shot out from behind the big man he giggled. “Holy shit Bo, it like you farting da dust.”

Bo smiled and started to giggle. Deciding to help his brother he grabbed him and violently started to brush him off. Dangling in the air he screamed for his other brother to help as Bo went at him like a maid beating a rug. Nathan started walking around his store while Bo eventually got tired of torturing his brother and joined him. Finally Louis got as much dust off of him as he could and started evaluating the room. Running his hands along the smooth oak surface he came to a support beam and shook it to test its sturdiness.

Seeing a group of couches by the front window (that were all still covered in newspaper) and still wrapped in plastic Bo ran towards them jumping into the air. Landing in a sitting position the couch buckled with the sound of snapping wood and nails letting go. Creating a dust cloud that looked like the aftermath of a nuclear explosion it rushed towards Nathan and Louis. Closing their eyes they both cringed as the dust rushed past them plugging their noses and filling the store in a chalky like fog.

“Comfy,” Bo said hidden behind a veil of dust.

Opening a window to let some air in so they wouldn’t suffocate Nathan yelled towards his brother. “You owe me a couch.”

“I’m sure it’s still under warranty.”

“Not for da Gorillas sitting on it,” Louis added.

“Why don’t you come over here and say that bayou man.”

“Why don’t you go swing on da tree and eat da banana.”

“I have an idea,” Nathan said barely able to make out his brother practically standing in front of him. “There’s a cafe just up the street called Sips. I was there this morning before I went and looked at the apartment, but they were closed, and looks like they have a whole menu on tea as well as homemade desserts.”

Louis waved his hand around his face coughing. “I’d love a tea, maybe some donuts for Giganto,” he said looking in the direction his brother was last seen then yelled, “I get dem sprinkle kinds you like Giganto?”

A voice yelled back. “That woul
d be lovely, thank you.” Then the voice started to cough.

“You want da tea?” Louis asked Nathan.

“Umm . . .” his picky brother mulled.

“I know de way you like de earl grey with da honey and shit.”

“Sure,” he finally decided.

The big man’s voice called out from deep within the cloud. “What’s a matter? Mr. Fancy Pants doesn’t like anyone else making his tea?”

“I just like it done a certain way,” he tried to explain without sounding snobbish.

Louis agreed with his bigger brother. “How’s about it Mr. Fancy Pants, only you can make da tea da special way?”

Calling out from the couch again he hollered, “Maybe you should get him some crumpets with his tea.” They could hear him start to giggle. “I know you can’t see me but I’m holding out my pinkie finger pretending to have a fancy tea cup in my hand.”

“Maybe I get him da dress
to drink da tea in,” Louis joined in.

Clapping his hands Bo started to snicker. “You wear a dress when you drink your tea, Mrs. Fancy Pants?” he howled impressed with the change he made. “I said Mr. but then you were wearing a dress so I changed it to Mrs.” They could hear him kicking at the floor as he laughed almost silently until they heard the cracking sound of wood and the room went silent. “Oops,” Bo said all but confirming he had kicked the floor hard enough to break it.

“Dammit Bo,” Nathan said making his way over to the couch area.

The dust was starting to settle and Bo was now standing in front of him. “I’m sorry Bro, but don’t worry, I’ll fix it up like new,” he said slapping him on the back and planting him face first on the ground. Forgettin
g how powerful he was and that a mere slap could actually kill a person, Bo looked at Louis who was now standing beside him looking down at their brother.