My Big Fat Gay Life (13 page)

I could see my heartache and sympathy for Justin and Ruth. I could also see my frustration at not being able to fix things for them.

I could feel my apprehension and slight fear at the situation with Bruce. Knowing that the concierges were aware of the situation and that I now had new locks gave me some measure of ease, but it was still a scary situation.

As to whether or not Donovan was Tony’s father, I only felt curiosity. The more immediate concern in that situation was Tony’s reaction to the news that his mother knew all along he was being abused.

Jogging had laid all this out for me; giving me some much needed clarity. However, there was still a little knot of emotions that I couldn’t access. I stopped jogging and pulled out my mobile. I might not be his favourite person, but I phoned Quentin. He’s a professional, and he’ll listen to me.

I was quite surprised when my mobile rang, displaying Sebastian’s number as the incoming caller. We barely spoke at work, and when we did it was just for brief updates on his cases. He’d already filled me in today’s explosive family session with Tony and Mrs. Williams.

“Hello,” I said, answering the call.

“Quentin, it’s Sebastian. Do you have a moment?”

“Of course,” I replied.

“I’m having a minor crisis. Today has been truly awful, and I need to someone to talk to. Can we meet?”

“Sure!” I answered, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. “Where are you?”

“I’m out jogging at the moment, but I’m just about to head home and shower.”

“I’m just leaving the office now,” I said. “I can be at your place in half an hour.”

“We don’t have to meet at my place if you don’t want. Somewhere public is fine.”

“It’s no problem. I’m happy to come over. I had no plans at all.”

“OK. See you then,” Sebastian said, and terminated the call.

When I arrived at Sebastian’s building, the concierge insisted on announcing me via the intercom. Once Sebastian had given his approval for me to go up, the concierge directed me to Sebastian’s apartment. I knocked on his door, and when he opened it he smiled and invited me in. His hair was still wet from his shower, and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

“Thanks for coming” he said. He invited me to sit down and offered me a glass of chardonnay, which I gladly accepted. He poured our drinks and sat on the sofa opposite me.

“I need to talk to someone,” he said, “but since the things I need to talk about all involve my friends and family, there’s nobody else I can talk to.”

“So I’m the last resort?” I asked, trying to make a joke of it. I must have failed dismally with my attempt at humour.

“Oh no!” he said, looking horrified. “That sounded awful. I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t a friend or are my last resort.”

“It’s OK,” I said, placating him. “You have a haunted look about you and are obviously having trouble gathering your thoughts. Hit me with it!”

Once Sebastian started, he didn’t stop for a full half hour. He told me about his friends Justin and Ruth, and the pain and grief they were suffering from the loss of their baby. He told me about his friend Kento, and how Kento - in his usual selfish manner - had turned the stalker situation around into being about him. I laughed at how he accused his Mother of being the mystery coffee brewer because of menopause. He told me about the emotional upheaval both he and Tony went through during the meeting with Tony’s mother.

His tale emphasised the qualities that have always attracted me to him: his compassion, his empathy, and his combination of vulnerability and strength.

“Wait!” I said, holding my hand up. Sebastian took the opportunity to get up and pour more wine into our glasses. “You’re telling me there’s a chance that Tony is your half brother?”

“Yes,” he replied, settling back down into the sofa and folding his legs under him, “but that’s something to resolve another day. I need to talk to Donovan and see if there’s a chance, and if so we need to arrange DNA tests.”

“It sounds like a story for the Jeremy Kyle Show,” I observed, and Sebastian chuckled.

“I’m fine with everything that’s happened today. I can cope with having a long lost half brother, although if it turns out we’re related then we should find Tony another counsellor. All I can do is be there for Ruth and Justin when they need me. I’m handling everything that’s happened today quite well, including the crazy psycho American stalker. But for some reason I still have a knot of emotion I can’t unravel.”

“Hang on,” I said. “Does that crazy American psycho stalker happen to have shaggy hair and smell like he hasn’t washed his clothes for weeks?”

“Yes!” Sebastian exclaimed, quite surprised. “Do you know him?”

“He’s been sitting outside our office building for weeks now. I thought he was just summoning up the courage to come inside and get some help, but it turns out he was actually casing you out.”

Sebastian shuddered at this new twist in the stalker saga. Overwhelmed with the desire to comfort him, I sat next to him on the couch and put an arm around him.

“You’re doing great,” I said. “I don’t need to say anything or give you any advice. You’re doing well by yourself, but I’m glad I could be here for you. As you know, it helps just being able to give voice to things that are troubling you.”

“So why am I still feeling knotted up inside?” he asked me, his eyes penetrating deep into me from beneath his long lashes.

“What aspect of your life does the knot feel associated with?” I asked him.

“It’s strange, but it feels like it has something to do with Ruth and Sebastian’s baby,” he answered, “which is stupid considering there’s nothing I can do for them except be there if they need me.”

“Then maybe it’s to do with your own feelings about the loss of the baby,” I observed.

“I don’t feel bad about the loss of the baby at all,” he said, and then he fell silent for a minute. Suddenly, he sat bolt upright. His eyes were wide and the haunted look on his face disappeared.

“Oh shit,” he said, “I’m a monster. I’m a selfish twat.”

Sebastian put his head in his hands and started to sob. I put my arm around him and comforted without saying a word. Eventually he stopped sobbing and looked up at me.

“Part of me is so saddened by the loss of the baby for what it meant to Ruth and Justin, but part of me is glad they lost it. I knew that I had misgivings when they announced the pregnancy, and now I realise why. I don’t want things to change! Marriage is one thing; it wouldn’t have changed the relationship between the three of us. We would still see each other and have time for each other. We would still hang out together all the time. But a baby would change that. A baby would have changed their priorities. A baby would mean they’d have less time for me!”

We sat in silence for a while. Sebastian refilled our glasses, and slowly his whole demeanour lightened up.

“You must think I’m awful,” he said eventually.

“Not at all,” I replied. “I think that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal, and I think you’re brave for realising it and acknowledging it.”

“I’m so glad you came over,” he said. “I didn’t think you would.”

“Why wouldn’t I,” I exclaimed.

“Because I realise I’m not your favourite at work. I respect you so much, and that’s jumped a hundredfold given the fact you came here when I needed you, despite your lack of respect for me.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, putting down my glass. “Why would you think I don’t respect you? You’re the most talented counsellor we have.”

“Really? It doesn’t feel like it. You don’t pay me the attention you pay to everyone else. You don’t listen intently when I do my case reports. You don’t manhandle me like you do everyone else. You don’t check in with me at my office like you do everyone else.”

I took a deep breath and remembered Donovan’s urging that I should reveal my feelings to my crush at work.

“Sebastian. You have my utmost respect. You’re professional in every way, and are an extremely talented therapist. I don’t check up on you because I don’t need to. If I appear not to listen, it’s only because I don’t need to. If I don’t manhandle you, it’s only because I desperately crave to do so, and I worry that if I start, I’ll never be able to stop!”

I blushed, embarrassed at baring my feelings to the man I’d desired for so long. Sebastian sat in silence, and I was unable to read his expression.

“Stand up!” I commanded.

“Why?” he asked.

“Just stand up,” I repeated.

With a quizzical look on his face, Sebastian stood up from the sofa. My hand was trembling, but I reached out and cupped his groin.

“There!” I said. “Does that make you feel better? You wanted to be manhandled.”

“Do you think you can stop?” he asked. He put his hand over mine and pushed it harder against his crotch. I could feel his penis hardening. He leaned over and kissed me quickly, almost chastely, on the lips. I could see where this was leading, and I had the power to say no. If I let this continue, I’d feel like I was taking advantage of him when he was vulnerable.

“I can, but I don’t want to,” I replied.

Sebastian leaned over and kissed me harder, more fervently. After he stopped, we both panted to catch our breath. He took my hand and led me to his bedroom.

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