My Big Fat Gay Life (11 page)

For the first time I can remember, I didn’t feel like playing squash with Sebastian. I’d arrived and warmed up, the usual crowd had formed on the viewing area above, and Sebastian was getting changed into his workout gear. However, I didn’t feel like being the centre of attention and playing squash with Sebastian this morning: I felt like going somewhere private and crying on his shoulder. The moment he opened the door to the squash court, he read this on my face.

“Let’s find somewhere quiet,” he said, turning and walking off the court. I followed gladly.

Eventually we found a small steam room that had no other people in it. It was located in the men’s locker room, so I quickly shed my shorts and felt marginally happier at being naked. Sebastian wore his shorts in the steam room of course.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said. Although he rarely used it around me, I recognised his counsellor voice immediately.

“Sebby, I don’t need a theraist,” I said. “I need a friend. I’m so worried about Ruth. She won’t talk to me, she won’t let me touch her, and she hasn’t left the apartment in days. When she lost the baby, a light went out in her eyes.”

“She’s grieving,” Sebastian said. “We just have to let her work her way through it. She isn’t taking my calls, and she won’t answer the door when I drop by. All I can do is show her I’m thinking of her, and all you can do is be there for her when she’s ready.” Sebastian took my hands in his. “How are you coping with the loss?” he asked.

“I’m trying to be philosophical about it,” I replied. “I tell myself that it’s probably for the best. I tell myself that if the Universe decided to take this life from us, it had a good reason. Maybe the baby was deformed or had a defect. Maybe it was going to suffer.”

Sebastian wrapped his arms around me as small tears started to run down my face, invisible in the steam and sweat.

“I’m just so scared,” I said, my voice breaking and the tears turning into a river. “We lost the baby, and now I feel like I’m losing her.”

I sobbed in Sebastian’s comforting embrace for half an hour, and the cathartic release of emotion and honest feelings strengthened me. I was going to be all right, and I was going to be strong for Ruth.

I’ve never been so fucking nervous! After several weeks of Sebastian’s guided visualisation therapy he thought it was time I talked to Mam, so with my approval he invited her to tea in his office. I have no idea what to say or how to say it: Mam, Dad repeatedly raped me when I was a toddler. Would you like some sugar in your tea?

A war raged within me; was it better to remember, or not to remember.

It turns out that the filthy bastard hadn’t raped me just the once: I could now remember many occasions where he’d sexually abused me. After several weeks of therapy with Sebastian, I’ve almost gotten my head around the things in my life that I couldn’t understand. The main thing was this contradiction: how come I, a man (well… teen) who’s disgusted and traumatised at the thought of another man sticking his cock up my arse, desperately wants Bilal to do exactly that? Part of me wants Bilal to roger me until my loud squeals turn into quiet whimpers, but another part of me just can’t handle the thought of that sort of intimacy.

Bilal’s another resident of the halfway house and, since I’ve been living there, he and I have grown quite close. He’d been kicked out of his religious home when his Mother had found a video of him rogering himself with a courgette on the family computer. He thought he’d hidden it quite securely, but his nosey little sister had found it and shown it to his mother. His mother, in turn, showed it to his father, and here he was at Rainbow’s End.

I’m not sure what religion Bilal’s family is, Muslim or Sikh, and I don’t like to ask. We’re told not to ask questions of the other residents histories when we arrive at Rainbow’s End, and in a way it’s nice to get to know someone without the baggage of their background getting in the way. All I know is that I fancy Bilal, he’s well fit, he makes me laugh, and I want him to be my first (well… first as a consenting adult). Sure, we’ve blown each other and wanked each other off, but thanks to dear old Dad the thought of receiving anal sex makes me want to run screaming out of the room. On a brighter note, I haven’t actually run screaming out of the room, yet. I know Bilal is gagging to make the two-backed beast with me, but he’s patient and says he’ll wait until I’m ready. He doesn’t want to rush it either, just in case he’s only doing it as a form of rebellion against his parents.

“When your Mother arrives, I’d like you to play the host. Serving the tea and biscuits will keep you moving and give you something else to think about,” Sebastian said. We were sitting in his office waiting for Mam to arrive. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Sebastian jumped up and opened it, and I stood up from the chair I was sitting in.

“Mrs. Williams,” he said, shaking hands with Mam as she stood in the doorway, “I’m Sebastian Parker. Thank you for coming. Please come in.” Seeing the look of concern and love on Mam’s face as she entered the office and looked at me made me realise how much I’d missed her.

“Tony,” she said softly as she wrapped me in a hug. When she released me I saw tears welling up in her eyes. “’Ow ya been, Luv?”

I busied myself making tea for us all as Sebastian explained to Mam about Rainbow’s End and how it worked.

“So Tony has something he’d like to talk about,” Sebastian finished. I set down Mam’s cup of tea in front of her and took my seat opposite her. I took a deep breath, wishing that Sebastian had coached me a little on how to start this. I’d asked, but he’d refused. He said it’d be best in my own words.

“Mam,” I started hesitantly, “I think that Dad did some horrible things to me when I was a child.” Mam gasped and put her hand to her mouth. I paused for a moment to see if she’d say anything, but all she did was cast her eyes to the floor. “I think he abused me sexually. I think he raped me on several occasions.”

There was an awkward moment of silence. The atmosphere was full of expectation and tension. Sebastian broke the silence.

“Tony is telling you this because he believes it’s true. I know it’s hard to hear, but…”

“It’s true,” Mam interrupted, her voice soft. “He did some nasty things to you. You were very young. I hoped you wouldn’t remember.”

I was stunned! She knew. She knew all along. I leaned back in my chair as the room turned grey. I felt like I was going to faint. The chair beneath me creaked, and I felt an overwhelming desire for it to swallow me whole and remove me from the room. I took some deep breaths and waited for the room to return to colour. The main colour I saw was red.

“How could you let him?!” I shouted at her. “How could you stay with him?!”

“There’s nowt I could do about it, Luv,” she said. “I love him. I couldn’t leave him. I need a man in my life.”

“So you stayed with him because you didn’t want to be alone?” I was amazed at the revelation. “You would’ve had me!”

“You would’ve grown up and left me eventually,” she said, refusing to meet my gaze.

The room fell silent again. I stared at my shoes. Mam’s eyes darted around the office, studiously avoiding my gaze. If she felt any shame, it wasn’t obvious. Sebastian made some notes on his notepad, occasionally looking up at me reassuringly.

“If it helps, he isn’t your real Dad,” Mam blurted out suddenly. “So it’s not like it’s incest or anything like that.”

“What… How…” I blustered. “I don’t give a shit if he’s my real Dad or not! He still raped a child. Who’s my real Dad then?”

“Your Dad’s swimmers don’t work. He has a low sperm count, and it makes him feel less like a man,” she said, totally ignoring my question.

“And raping children helps him feel more like a man?” I asked. “Who’s my real father?”

“Your Dad took me to a swingers club. I hated the idea, but I’d do anything for him. We swung with a couple there, and I think that guy is your father.”

A tense silence filled the room again. I stared at Mam, willing her to speak again. I wanted her to apologise. I wanted her to feel shame. I wanted her to acknowledge she hadn’t done the right thing by her only child. Finally she spoke again.

“I like your new shoes,” she said.

“Do you know what I’ve been doing since I left home?” I asked her, surprisingly calmly given the turmoil I was feeling. “Do you even care? I’ve been fucking men for money. Until I came here, I was sleeping on the streets. I was injecting myself with anything I could get my hands on to kill the pain, and I didn’t even know where the pain was coming from. Now I know the source of my pain, and your response is ‘Yeah I knew, but I love him and it’s not a big deal cos he’s not your real father’. I think you should leave now.”

Mam stood up and waited expectantly for a hug. I looked away and made no move to stand up from my chair. She walked to the door, and Sebastian opened it for her.

“Thank you for coming Mrs. Williams,” he said, shaking her hand. “We can move forward from this.”

“Your real father’s name is Donovan,” Mam said over her shoulder to me as she walked out the door.

Kento disgusts me. He farts in his sleep, he stinks of black musk, and he chews with his mouth open. Most mornings, I slide out of bed before he wakes up and assaults me with his morning breath. I don’t know how much longer I can tolerate him.

Heading to Sebastian’s apartment building along my well-worn path, I contemplated what life would be like with Sebastian. He’s handsome, he’s smart, he smells nice, and he loves me. One day soon we need to talk: I need to tell him I’m ready to break up with Kento. Sebastian’s ethics are the only thing keeping us apart now. He doesn’t want to hurt Kento’s feelings by forcing me to break up with the black smelly bastard. Sweet Sebastian doesn’t even realise that the only reason I started dating Kento in the first place was to be close to him.

Once I arrived at Sebastian’s apartment, I let myself in quietly and peaked through his bedroom door. Thank God for hot nights: Sebastian was sprawled out naked on his bed again, snoring in his soft gentle way. His perfect cock was hard with a morning erection, and he had a smile on his face. He must be dreaming of me.

I took out my cell phone (I can’t bring myself to use the British term for it … mobile phone makes it sound like it has wheels) and snapped a few photos of Sebastian on it. I took a few full body photos, and then focused on that glorious cock. I’d have the best photo framed for our bedside table when we’re living together.

He appeared to be sleeping quite soundly, so I decided to risk some noise and movement. I took out from my backpack the spycam I’d bought the previous day and positioned it on top of his wardrobe so that it was facing his bed. I’d have to check the angle later on my laptop, but I can always come back and adjust it if it’s not right. The spycam would allow me to keep watch over Sebastian and protect him from any crazy people in society who might want to hurt him.

Happy to have accomplished this without disturbing his slumber, I headed out to his kitchen and put on a pot of coffee so that it’d be ready for him when he woke up. Then I left his apartment as quietly as I’d entered.