Motown Breakdown (Motown Down #4) (18 page)

These last few weeks have been emotionally wrecking me. My emotions were short circuiting my brain. I literally had no control over them. In an instant I went from happy to seriously pissed off without any prompting. I didn’t want to eat, shower, or even talk to Shade. The same Shade who was attentive and wonderful, I treated like absolute shit. Why? Because I didn’t have the balls to tell him the truth. I didn’t have the fucking guts to say,
I don’t love you but I want you to be deliriously happy, just not with me
. Instead of opening my mouth and letting us both off the hook, I kept it shut in fear that he may not take it well and hoped that whatever this was would pass. Day after day I tried so hard to be a good wife and night after night I lie in bed next to my husband knowing I failed. I failed us both.

Needing some air before we went for my checkup, I went out front to wait by the sedan. Crossing my ankles, I let the sun hit my face and when my eyes focused I froze.

Crews was out there.

But it was eleven forty-five.

Today he did something different when he opened the door and stepped out. When he leans against the truck I swear it was an invitation. On auto pilot I stand up, needing to go to him. He was thirty yards away and I couldn’t read his expression but I swear to God he was telling me to run to him. Raising his hand up as if for me to take it, I felt my heart begin to race. Taking a step forward, then another, I could do this. If I could just get to him, we could run.

“Luna baby,” Shade calls out freezing me in place. “We don’t want to be late.”

Run Luna
, my mind screamed at me.
Just gun it, run like the fucking wind
. Breathing heavy, I listened to Shade tell his guy what our plans were but my feet wouldn’t move. Shade takes my hand snapping my attention from Crews. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” I whisper completely terrified. “It’s pretty out today is all.”

“Let’s go make sure you’re healing, alright?”

Still I didn’t move because if I left I couldn’t see him anymore. Losing his patience, he gently pulls me to the sedan and sets me inside. Backing out, I watch Crews get back in his truck but he doesn’t leave. Putting it in drive, we turn left into traffic slowly and had to stop at the light. Gripping the handle, I look down and see my knuckles turning white.
Open the door, Luna
.

While Shade spoke to the driver, I peek over my shoulder to see him still waiting. I could run, I know I could. I never ran track but I could hustle. When the light turned green, I started to pull on the handle when Shade laughed about a man they shot earlier in the week. This was some Bridges of Madison County shit and I wanted to be Meryl. I wanted to do what she didn’t. I wanted to be
more
. That was until my situation really registered. Blinking back the tears, I let go of the handle like it was on fire.

What was I thinking? I can’t run. He’d kill Crews. My husband wasn’t a fucking farmer; he was a criminal. He killed men for
looking at
me
. If I ran to Crews…No.

I would never run to Crews. It was time to let Crews go and hope God really did hear my prayer and pull through. Because as long as there was breath in my body, I could never put him in harm’s way.

Peeking over my shoulder again as we inch forward, I watch him do an L turn before driving in the other direction.  The emotions that I’d been fighting off finally broke free and won. In the back seat of a sedan on plush leather seats, I had a full on breakdown. Because I wasn’t strong enough to run and because of that, he wouldn’t be back.

For the last two weeks some weird shit has been going on. It took me a minute to catch on, nursing a busted heart and all. Jesus, she was going to run to me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. She started moving toward me and I started moving toward her. So that’s where my mind has been, on what could have been but never would be.

The first time I caught sight of the sedan, I started to sweat. Positive I was going to get shot, or tossed in the Detroit River, the driver stuck around at my job site for half the day then left. Same shit went on outside my house and anywhere I went like, the gas station or grocery store. When nothing happened, I realized it was probably Shade making sure I didn’t talk and I made it a point to look like I didn’t care. Grabbing some carryout I won’t eat, I head home to drink myself stupid like I’ve done for months. Tossing the door open, I throw my keys on the table and hit the switch only to find Shade on my couch with his feet up.

This was it then; I was going to die alone on an empty stomach.

“Join me,” he says motioning to the chair.

“Good where I am,” I mumble setting my food down.

“I insist,” believe me I caught the warning.

Doing as told, I grab a seat wondering how many weapons he had on him while I had exactly none. “You lead a boring life, Mr. Crews. Predictable and heartbreaking really. However, your sister is doing quite well. She and Drew are in Italy for the month. Ever been to Italy?”

“No.”

“Ever been outside the US?”

“No.”

“Not even Canada?” he laughs. “It’s right there you know.”

“What do you want?”

“Although we’re square on favors, I wanted to let you know she’s well…personally.”

“Thanks,” I mumble.

“Luna however, is not.”

Sitting up in my seat, I knew if I asked I’d give it away but he caught it before I could. “You care for her,” he says grinding his jaw. “My wife, you miss her.”

“The fuck kinda game are you playing, Shade? Yeah I care for her, she’s a nice woman. Sure I miss her; she was my neighbor. I got used to seeing her around.”

“But you’ve owned this home for twenty years,” he says standing. “So when you explain having that apartment, try sticking with the truth. It might save your life.”

“You know what? Your bullshit’s getting old. I got that apartment because I raised Evie in this house. Not having her in it fucked with me and I needed a place to go when it killed me to stay here. How’s that for truth? My fucking sister walked into your place and asked for a new life and without telling me, she got one.”

“You’re pissed about that, I take it?”

“Fuck you,” I growl. “Then I meet your wife, who bothered nobody, yet the guy who claims to love her has no idea her old man was stopping in to kick her ass? You got questions for me? Bitch, I got questions for you.”

“Ask,” he says sitting back down.

“Why didn’t you protect her?”

“Would you believe me if I told you she wouldn’t let me?”

“Yeah I would.”

“Why?”

“Because that sounds like something she would do.” As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I never said I knew her, I said I saw her around and Shade wasn’t stupid. But I was in this deep why go back now? “You said she isn’t okay, mind telling me why you brought it up?”

“She suffered a miscarriage and I’d like to blame the depression she’d been battling on that, or what Marco, did but it’s more than those things,” he says sadly. “A few weeks ago, on our way to the doctor she had a breakdown. In all my years with Luna, I’d never witnessed anything like it. My only option is pills and I can’t bring myself to medicate my wife, Crews. Medication isn’t going to fix her.” At this, my mind was screaming
give her to me!
While my mouth stayed shut. “You two had a connection” he says leaning forward. “No use in denying it and I trust you to be honest with me.” Nodding because I didn’t know fuck else to do when he asked me, “Does she love me?” I lied my ass off.

“Yeah,” I tell him easily. “She does.”

I swear he was disappointed in my answer but he nods then stands up again and yeah, he was a big motherfucker. “Just so you know, Crews, the child she lost was yours.” Closing my eyes in pain was instinctual; there was no stopping it and if that just gave me away I wouldn’t put a fight if he decided to kill me. “Many years ago I took precautions never to have children. Do you have anything to say to that?”

“Does Luna know?”

“She does not.”

“You gonna tell her?”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“She’s suffered enough,” he says softly which was rare for this guy, somehow I knew it. “She’s sacrificed much for me to be in the position I’m in now.” At my silence he went on I had no choice but to listen. “The day in the park when you watched her care for the child whose mother was on the phone, what was running through your head?” he asks me this and it felt like someone had just walked over my grave. So he knew, he’s always known.

“That she’d be a good mother to our kids,” I blurt and because I took it this far I really went for it when I asked him, “When you killed Marco, did he suffer?”

“By the likes of which you cannot fathom.”

“Good,” I nod satisfied with things.

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Crews,” he stands heading for the door. “My men will no longer be on your detail.”

“You planning on killing me now?”

“And cause my wife additional distress? No. I won’t be killing you. Judging by the amount of whisky you keep in your system, I’d say you’re half way to killing yourself.” Stepping through, he stops and turns. “Was Frank the first life you’ve taken?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you say you’re a killer then, Mr. Crews?”

“No man, I’m not a killer.”

“I am.”

And then he left closing the door behind him.

He never came back.  Not that I thought he would, or that he should,
I just…I can’t get my fucking head straight. And if I can’t snap out of it I’m going to get pills shoved down my throat. I don’t need any fucking pills, I need Crews. I’m supposed to be helping Shade run a business, I’m supposed to be strong and stoic. But I was none of those things. What I was, was a disappointment and knowing that wasn’t helping my cause either. Day after day I look at myself wanting to scratch my own face off. This was not the she I was supposed to be! Shade was reaching the end of his patience with me and I felt awful that I was such a burden to him.

All these years I took Marco’s abuse to be right where I was now. Being punched, slapped, kicked, and choked felt like love taps compared to how this felt. I owed my husband more than this, I owed myself more than this too but no matter what I did, I grieved.

“Why did you stop?” he asks from the door looking handsome as always.

“Stop what?”

“Rebelling, fighting back. Hell, sneaking out and stashing weapons. What happened to her?”

“She grew up,” I whisper.

“No she gave up.” He says coming to sit next to me.

“I’ll get past this,” I promise him. “I just need time.”

“You won’t get past this because you don’t love me,” he says softly.

“You don’t love me either.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“This is so fucked up, Shade.”

“I tried to, Luna. Thought I did, but I like you more than anyone else.”

“I like you too,” I whisper.

“But liking each other isn’t enough, is it? You’ve never missed me like you do him. That’s who you’re grieving.”