More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (21 page)

Franklin destroyed his relationship with Ruby because he was unable to conceive that he might feel jealousy, and therefore he was unable to listen to it. In this case, the jealousy was saying, "You are encumbered by rules and constraints specifically intended to prevent you from having the kind of relationship both of you need. Newton is able to offer her a relationship without limits. If she wants that kind of relationship, you might be replaced."

Was Franklin actually in danger of being replaced? No. Ruby loved him very much. How might listening to the jealousy have changed the outcome? For one, Franklin might have seen how destructive the agreements he'd made with Celeste were, and this might have saved many other people—and Franklin and Celeste—a great deal of pain. More to the point, he might have been able to go to Ruby and say, "I'm feeling jealous. I realize that our relationship is constricted, and Newton does not have these limitations. Do you still value our relationship, even as circumscribed as it is? What do I offer you, and what do you value in me? How can we make sure we build a foundation that means you will continue to want to be with me?" And the outcome would probably have been very different.

It's so easy to pin responsibility for our emotions on other people. "You're making me feel this terrible thing. Stop doing that!" We forget that our emotions might be the result of our own insecurities rather than our partners' actions. When we transfer responsibility for our emotions to others, we yield control over our own lives.

CONFRONTING JEALOUSY

It's okay to feel jealous. That might sound strange, in a book about polyamory. But we, the authors of this book, have been there. Almost everyone you meet has been there. Being immune to jealousy is not a prerequisite for polyamory, and feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad poly person. So take a deep breath. Like all feelings, jealousy is not the sum of who you are. It won't kill you, even if it feels like it might. It doesn't necessarily mean something's wrong with you, or with your relationship.

Even when you're feeling jealous, you're still in control. Jealousy is like that creepy guy sitting behind the king whispering in his ear, "The ambassador has just insulted you most grievously, Your Grace! Attack his lands at once! Raze his villages!" But remember, you're still the king. You don't have to set the world on fire and run off to live in a cave, no matter how satisfying that sounds.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
About the time I was involved with Ruby, I had a friend who had a pet iguana, a huge green lizard more than four feet long. It was usually docile and friendly. But a pattern would play out every time she took it out of its cage. She would open the cage door and reach inside, and it would lash at her with its whip-like tail. She would jump back, then reach in the cage again. The second time, it would calmly climb up her arm to sit on her shoulder.

One day, when I watched her go through this ritual, she said, "I wish it would hit me with its tail, just once, so I wouldn't have to be afraid of it anymore."

In the aftermath of my relationship with Ruby, I was heartbroken. I spent long nights thinking about what had happened and wondering where our relationship, which had been such a source of joy to both of us, had gone so horribly wrong.

Eventually, I realized an inescapable truth: Our relationship had been destroyed because
I destroyed it.
It wasn't destroyed by her new relationship with Newton. It wasn't destroyed by anything she had done to me. I had destroyed it, because I had felt something I believed myself incapable of feeling and therefore couldn't handle when I did. She had been absolutely right to end the relationship with me. In the blindness of my own pain, I had been completely unaware of the pain I was causing her.

The things I felt during and after my relationship with Ruby were the worst I had ever felt in my life, and I didn't ever want to feel them again. And, gradually, I realized something else:
I didn't have to.
The secret of not ever feeling this way again was right in front of me. It had been all along.

First, after she broke up with me, I learned something valuable: I could lose someone, and I might want to curl up and die, but it wouldn't actually kill me. I knew what it felt like for the lizard to get me, and I didn't have to be afraid of it anymore. I would survive. I could even, eventually, be happy again.

Second, I realized she had the right to leave me. Everyone has the right to leave me. Whether they choose to leave me is something I have some control over, by the way I treat them. Ruby left because I did things that hurt her, and that drove her away. But it was within my power to do different things. It was not the hand of fate or the uncaring stars; it was the choices I made. If I had made different choices, if I had made decisions that drew my partners closer rather than pushing them away, I might have had a better outcome.

The implications of this idea took a long time to sink in. When they did, I felt empowered. Breakups weren't something that just happened to me; they happened because of the choices I and my partner both made. I might feel pain again, but I knew there was something on the other side. And I didn't have to be afraid anymore: I would have a hand in what happened to me.

As Franklin's painful breakup and subsequent epiphany demonstrate, jealousy can be confronted, dealt with, and banished back to the dark places where it slinks, powerless to damage your calm. Don't be discouraged. It might take work to get there, and some of that work might be uncomfortable.

Jealousy is a feeling, not an identity. You may feel jealous, but that doesn't make you a jealous person. It's an important distinction. If you say "I am a jealous person," you may find it hard to think about letting go of jealousy; it feels like letting go of something that makes you who you are. On the other hand, if you say "I am a person who sometimes feels jealous," that gives space to your other emotions. "I am a person who sometimes feels jealous, and sometimes feels happy, and sometimes feels sad, excited, afraid, angry or confused." Such a statement reinforces to yourself that jealousy is not who you are.

Remember, this too shall pass. When we are buried armpit-deep in an emotion, we can find it extraordinarily difficult to remember that emotions are transient. When we're sad, we can be hard put to remember what it's like to be happy, and when we're jealous, we can find it hard to remember what it's like not to feel that way. But there is another way to feel, even if we can't emotionally access it at the moment.

MILA'S STORY
When Mila fell in love with Morgan, a polyamorous man, she didn't really know what she was in for, but she knew it would be work. Morgan was already in a relationship with Nina when he started the relationship with Mila, and he started another new relationship not long after.

The first few months were hard for Mila. She didn't know where Morgan's relationships with her or his other partners would end up. Morgan's commitment to her was solid, but her clarity on the future was not. She had never been insecure or jealous before, and she had a hard time accepting herself for feeling this way.

She didn't know when the jealousy would hit her or what would trigger it. Sometimes it was Morgan and Nina's public displays of affection, sometimes it was when they attended events as a couple. But the feelings often overwhelmed her. She was motivated to make a poly relationship work, though: not just by her feelings for Morgan and his steady support of her, but by her own disillusionment with monogamy after an ex had cheated on her, and her belief that doing the work would lead them to a healthier relationship in the long run. So she hung on. And Morgan repeatedly created space for Mila to process her feelings and work on herself. He reassured her that it was okay to feel what she felt and did not try to fix her feelings for her.

Sometimes jealousy triggers come as a complete surprise, which is why trying to prevent your partners from doing things that trigger jealousy doesn't work. The triggers and the underlying causes are often quite different, so lasting relief from jealousy involves digging beneath the triggers to the roots. One strategy for dealing with jealousy looks like this:

Step 1. Accept the feelings.
You can't deal with jealousy by wishing it away or by shaming yourself. Our emotions are what they are, and telling yourself "I shouldn't feel this!" won't work.

When you look around at the polyamorous community, it can be easy to convince yourself that everyone else has conquered their jealousy, and you're not a good poly person if you still feel it. That absolutely isn't true. Very few people say they've never felt it, and frankly, we suspect that just means they haven't felt it yet. Accept that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

Step 2. Separate triggers from causes.
The next step is harder. It involves disassembling the jealousy to find those places where you are afraid and insecure. Long-lasting jealousy management can come only from strengthening the places where your self-esteem is weak.

Examine your triggers, the specific thoughts, actions, sights or events that set off an emotion. It's easy to believe that these triggers "cause" the emotion, but the truth is a bit more complicated. We might feel that wild rush of jealousy when we see our partner kiss another person, but that doesn't mean the kiss itself is the root cause. Instead, it's more accurate to say that the kiss is the switch that turns on a complicated chain of emotions that brings us nose to claw with some internal beast—a fear of being replaced, maybe, or a sense of territoriality. The kiss might be the trigger, but the cause is something else—some inner insecurity, stirred from its slumber.

This chain reaction is why restrictions on specific actions or behaviors rarely do much to alleviate jealousy. The beast still lies there, waiting for some other poke or prod to awaken it. At some point, if we are to be free of jealousy, we have to confront the monster directly. That means digging deep to uncover and deal with the internal things—the wobbles in our sense of worthiness, the little fears that try to convince us we will be abandoned.

Step 3. Understand the feelings.
Feelings need to be examined to be understood, and the first step in examining them is to accept them for what they are. But that doesn't necessarily mean we have to believe them. We're often told to trust our intuition or go with our gut. But your feelings often lie to you. For example, if you're afraid of snakes, you might feel panic at the sight of a harmless corn snake crossing your path. The fear is genuine, but the thing it's telling you
—This snake is a threat to me—
is not true.

Learning what our feelings are rooted in, without assuming that what they say is always true, is the place to start. Almost always, jealousy is rooted in some sort of fear: of abandonment, of being replaced, of losing the attention of someone you love, of being alone. Jealousy isn't really about the person you feel jealous of. It's about you: your feeling that you might lose something precious. What is it saying? What's the outcome you're afraid will happen?

Getting to the roots of your jealousy takes time. When you feel jealous, you often want to act on it immediately—usually in destructive ways. Instead, take the time to figure out what's actually going on, what your jealousy is trying to tell you.

Step 4: Talk about it.
Jealousy management relies on calming fears directly, by talking about them and learning the way our partners feel about us. The first thing to do when jealousy arises is to talk about it, directly. And by "talk about it," we don't mean what Franklin did in his relationship with Ruby when he said, "You terrible person, how could you make me feel this way?" We mean acknowledge and own the fear, and ask for support to deal with it. "When you're on a date with him and you do that thing with your tongue, I feel jealous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but I sure could use some love and support."