More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (19 page)

This can be difficult. "Because I just don't want that" is not good communication. If we ask for something, especially something that places limits on someone else's behavior—and most especially if it affects more people than just you and your partner—we need to talk about the "why" as well as the "what." This more effectively advocates for our needs, and it opens the door for a genuine dialogue in how to have them met.

Sometimes things that trigger us are hidden inside the statement "I just don't want that." For example, some people, usually heterosexual men, approach polyamory with the idea that it's okay if their partners have other female lovers, but feel threatened if their partners have other male lovers. It's certainly easier to say "I just don't want my partner to have sex with another man" than admit to feelings of vulnerability around sex, perhaps because you're afraid that if another man does what you do, you might be replaced. Talking about triggers
^*
is necessary if we are to understand why we feel the way we do, and understanding our feelings is the only way to grow.

The purpose of talking about the things that trigger us is not to make our partners avoid them but to better understand them. When we can make sense of our emotional responses, we can more easily take responsibility for them, rather than making our partners (or, worse yet, our partners' partners) responsible for them. If, for example, you feel threatened by your lover having sex with another man, talking about why, and owning that feeling, can help you become more secure in your relationship. Discussing how you feel gives your partner an opportunity to explain what value she sees in you, and why another man doesn't have to be threatening to you.

"I just don't want that" tends to end rather than continue conversations. We encourage continuing discussion about what you want and, more importantly, why.

* By triggers, we mean specific thoughts, actions, sights or events that set off an emotion that may not actually be related to the current situation, or may be much more powerful than the circumstances would seem to warrant. A trigger is usually tied to an earlier experience and may be connected to a traumatic event.

CUT THROUGH THE FOG

Being polyamorous doesn't confer immunity to negative feelings. Poly folks experience jealousy, insecurity, doubt and the full range of other human emotions. If we waited for immunity to uncomfortable emotions before traveling this road, we'd never budge. What's necessary is simply to understand that we don't have to put our emotions in the driver's seat. We feel what we feel; the secret is to understand that we still have power even in the face of our feelings. We can still choose to act with courage, compassion and grace, even when we're terrified, uncertain and insecure.

This notion that we can control our actions despite our emotions seems radical to many. The first part of making it happen is just realizing it's possible. Once you've turned that corner—and given all the social messages saying we're helpless in the face of our emotions, that's a tough thing to do—the rest is practice.

Some guidelines that help prevent you from turning over the wheel to your emotions:

• Understand that your emotions often lie to you. Feelings aren't fact. It's possible to feel threatened when there is no threat, for example, or feel powerless when you aren't.
  
• Avoid making decisions, especially irrevocable, life-altering decisions, when in the grip of strong emotions.
  
• Try not to validate, suppress, hang on to or deny your emotions. Just feel them, understand what they're trying to say…and then let them pass. Emotions are like weather; they come and go. Don't tell yourself you "shouldn't" feel them, but don't keep rehearsing things that keep them alive, either. Acknowledge them and let them go.
  
• Learn how you best process your emotions, and then advocate for doing that. Some people process their emotions by talking about them immediately; others need to withdraw for a while. Both approaches work, for different people. If you need to say "I don't want to go to bed angry. I would really like to talk about this now," say so. If you need to say "Look, I can't talk about this right now. Let's come back to it in the morning," do that.
  
• Take a deep breath from time to time and remind yourself that your lover is your partner, not the enemy. Enemies fight; partners work together toward a common good.
  
• Remember: This too shall pass. Our emotions tend to color our perceptions of the past and the future. When we're happy, we remember times in the past we've been happy and more easily see future happiness. When we're angry or frightened, we re-create our past and future accordingly. But emotions are transient. The things we feel today won't be what we feel tomorrow.
  

BE CURIOUS

Many conflicts arise because we've made judgments without full knowledge of the thoughts or feelings behind another person's actions. If the two (or more) sides in a conflict work from their own assumptions without checking whether these are true, no one feels understood, all become even more hurt and angry, and the conflict escalates.

Many conflict-resolution professionals stress the value of
curiosity
, accompanied by active listening. Many conflicts can be avoided or de-escalated if the parties involved are willing to set aside their prejudgments—and the intense feelings connected to them—and ask a question. And then be curious about the actual answer.

Not just any question, though. The question should be genuine and open-ended, a serious request for more information about another person's feelings, intentions or motivations. It should not be a choice between predefined alternatives, or an accusation followed by a demand for a response. It should be, as much as possible, unburdened from what you
think
will be the answer. That means being curious about what it really is.

Consider the following questions, arising from the same scenario:

"When we went to that dinner party, you didn't sit next to me. Obviously you're ashamed to be seen with me. Why are you even involved with me if you don't want people to know we're together?"

"Could you tell me why you chose that particular seat at the party?"

They both end with a question mark, but they are very different kinds of questions. One is a barely veiled accusation and expression of hurt; the other is a genuine request for information. The answer could turn out to be anything from "I wanted to talk to Bill over there about his project" to "Honestly, I'm worried that if the boss sees me with you, he'll think I'm cheating on my wife." Once the questioner understands where her partner is coming from, she will be able to respond to the situation using accurate information, not just her own stories. And she will stand a better chance of being able to express her own feelings about the situation to her partner without putting words in his mouth or putting him on the defensive, because he will know that she understands where he is coming from.

Moving away from defensiveness, assumptions and judgments and toward curiosity requires us to step outside ourselves. And that involves recognizing that the world may not be exactly as we think it is—we may have been wrong about our assessment of other people. It can be hard to restrain our emotional responses for long enough to express curiosity and try to understand the feelings of the very person we believe is responsible for our pain. But it can defuse a lot of conflicts before they start.

DON'T LET THE DISHES GET CRUSTY

Good communication is not just reactive, but proactive. That means regular checking in, just to see how things are going: and not just with your partners, but with yourself. Talk about things that bother you while they're still small. Express what you want early and often. Don't sit on things, hoping they'll go away. Don't wait until someone raises a specific problem before talking; develop the habit of letting your partners know where you're at emotionally, on an ongoing basis.

The purpose of checking in is simply to keep the lines of communication open, so problems can be spotted when they're still ripples rather than tsunamis. Noël Lynne Figart, author of the blog The Polyamorous Misanthrope, calls this "not letting the dishes get crusty." When everyone makes it a habit to wash the dishes as they use them rather than letting them pile up, no one has to confront the icky task of washing an entire sink full of crusty, three-day-old dishes.

HEALTHY SELF-EXPRESSION

Talking about our needs and feelings is tougher when we fear that we might come across as controlling: that is, dictating what another person should do. In a desire not to be seen as controlling, we may say nothing at all, which can let problems grow until we feel we have no choice but to blurt controllingly, "I want you to stop what you're doing right now!"

If you're used to passive communication, expressing a feeling can seem the same as being controlling. One of Franklin's partners grew up in a household where every statement of "I feel thus-and-such" contained an implicit "and it's your responsibility to do something about it!" If you don't want to be seen as manipulative and controlling (and you don't, right?), expressing yourself can feel dangerous, because it might be perceived that way.

The difference between expressing and controlling is in your expectations. What do you expect your partner to do? Is your goal to express your feelings or to change your partner's behavior? Just as the difference between asking and demanding lies in whether you can accept a no, the difference between expressing a feeling and being controlling is in whether it's okay for your partner to continue her present course of action. Are you
demanding
, or are you
informing
and
negotiating
?

While it may sound obvious, the simplest way to make your intention clear is to talk about it. You might say, for example, "I'm not telling you not to go on your date this Saturday, but I wanted to let you know I'm feeling some anxiety about it." From there, you can talk about the anxiety, and possibly even suggest ways that your partner can be supportive to you (for example, "I would like to connect with you after you get home," or "I would like to set aside some special time with you on Friday before you go"). Direct communication heads off passive assumptions about passive communication.

If you are negotiating, make that plain too. For example, you might say, "I'm feeling anxious about your date on Saturday. We're taking the dog to the vet that morning, and I might need your help taking care of him Saturday evening. Is it possible for you to reschedule for Friday instead?" Keep in mind, though, that sometimes the answer might be no, and that doesn't necessarily mean your partner doesn't care about you or your feelings. She may have schedule problems of her own.

MAKING COMMUNICATION SAFE

There's one more prerequisite for communication to succeed. It has to be safe for another person to communicate with you. We all want our partners to be honest with us. At the same time, nobody likes to hear bad news. From ancient empires to modern boardrooms, bearers of bad tidings have paid the price for delivering messages distasteful to the recipient's ears. Even in ordinary day-to-day conversations, there are all kinds of ways we can make it dangerous for others to say what we don't want to hear.

ADRIA'S STORY
Adria, a friend of Franklin's, had been dating her boyfriend for two years and wanted to get married. One day, her boyfriend came to her and said he had something to ask her. Adria was elated, because she was sure he was going to propose. She said, "You can ask me anything you want!"

Her heart sank when he didn't propose. Instead, he asked if they could try some new sexual things, like light bondage and spanking. Adria was hurt that he wasn't proposing, and also angry and hurt that he was asking to try these new things. She thought he was dissatisfied with her. She felt like he was saying she was a boring lover, because he couldn't enjoy "regular" sex with her. She yelled at him and told him he was a pervert, and said he was telling her she was bad in bed. He broke up with her shortly after that.

Adria's story contains a couple of lessons. The most immediate is that if you tell your partner "It's okay to ask for anything you want,"
it better be true
. If you're not prepared to make it safe for your partner to open up to you, he won't. Because he'll feel he can't.

We don't always yell at people who say something we don't like to hear, but we often forget how many ways we can make it very expensive for people to be honest with us. When we love someone, it's hard even under the best of circumstances to say something that will make them unhappy. It requires a lot of vulnerability and courage to do that. We expose ourselves emotionally, because our partners' feelings affect ours. When that vulnerability is met with defensiveness, annoyance, passive-aggressiveness, silence, anger or resentment, honesty becomes damn near impossible.