More Than Once (18 page)

“We were a little worried you’d ditched us again,” Kyle said with a grin. He was teasing, but his words held some truth. I’d abandoned them during the Battle of the Bands almost a year ago, and I couldn’t deny I was tempted to do it again tonight.

“I’m fine,” I said, brushing off his comment. I wasn’t fine, not really, but I would be as soon as I saw Andrew. He’d make everything okay. I just needed a few minutes in his arms to remind myself of who I was and who I could be.

“It’s okay if you’re nervous,” Maddie said. “I always get nervous before shows.”

I found myself messing with my hair and made myself stop. “It’s just…a lot bigger than I expected.”

“That’s what she said,” Kyle muttered. Maddie elbowed him, while Jared and Hector snickered.

“I know what you mean,” Maddie said to me. “But you look great. I love your dress.”

“Thanks. I like yours, too.”

Like me, Maddie had dressed up for the New Year’s Eve theme of the night and wore a sparkling gold dress that shimmered whenever she moved. Kyle and Hector were wearing their usual all-black jeans and T-shirts, but Jared was wearing a dark silver collared shirt, unbuttoned at the neck to give the audience a peek, with his black leather jacket over it.

“Don’t be nervous,” Kyle said, patting my arm. “You’re going to kick ass out there.”

“We go on in twenty minutes,” Jared said.

I thought I might start hyperventilating and looked around for somewhere to escape to. “I just have to say hi to Andrew quickly.”

“He’s here?” Hector asked, his dark eyes scanning the crowd.

“In the VIP room.” I started forward and called over my shoulder. “I’ll be back in a few.”

The chaos sucked me up, so I had no idea if any of them responded or not. It didn’t matter. I had to find Andrew before I had a full-out panic attack.

I
’d first started listening to Villain Complex over a year ago thanks to Tara, who got all their songs from Hector long before they became famous. I’d always liked their music, but after the break-up, I’d avoided listening to them because it brought back too many bad feelings. It wasn’t easy since their new album had just come out and was all over the place, but now that Becca had joined them—at least temporarily—maybe I’d be able to listen to their music again without wanting to set something on fire.

Traffic from Dallas to Austin was a disaster, and I got to the stadium much later than I’d originally intended. By the time I walked in, the first bands had already performed, but there were still a few minutes before Villain Complex would go on stage. Plenty of time to give Becca a kiss and wish her luck. Or maybe should I say break a leg? Was that only for actors?

I’d spoken with Becca every night since she’d gone to Austin to start practicing with the band, and I couldn’t wait to see her again. It had only been a few days, but I’d stared at that sexy photo she’d sent me a hundred times already, and now I was dying to see the real thing. To touch the real thing.

Backstage was crowded, with hundreds of people with tattoos and piercings and black T-shirts rushing around, getting the equipment ready, and doing other things I couldn’t even guess at. A security guard directed me to wear my badge at all times, then gestured for me to enter a VIP room set up with a bar, seating areas, and a door to an outside patio. The room was high up in the arena and overlooked the stage, which was currently empty as they set up for the next band to go on.

I texted Becca to let her know where I was and then ordered a beer while I waited for her to come find me. The room was packed, with some people standing around and checking their phones, others doing shots and passing around brightly colored pills, and a few couples making out in the corners.

I stood to the side with my beer and scanned the place, hoping to see Becca. When I spotted a flash of golden hair enter the room, my heart sped up. There she was.

I moved forward through the mob of people, anxious to wrap Becca in my arms and kiss her senseless. But as the crowd parted, I realized it wasn’t Becca walking toward me, with a nervous smile on her face.

It was Tara.

Before I could process what was happening, my ex-girlfriend rushed forward and gave me a warm hug. I stood frozen with her arms around me as my brain went into some kind of crazy loop, repeating “what the fuck” over and over in my head.

Becca had said Tara wouldn’t be at the show tonight. What the hell was she doing here? Why was she hugging me? Shit, what was I going to do?

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. I’d known, on some level, that if Becca got involved with the band I might run into Tara, since she was dating Hector and all. But I hadn’t mentally prepared myself to see her again, not yet, and now I had no clue how to react or what to say or how to feel.

The next band started playing on stage, and loud music burst into the VIP room. It jolted me out of my zombie state, and I managed to jerk back from Tara. She said something to me, but I couldn’t hear her.

“Let’s go outside!” I shouted, and she nodded. I took her elbow to lead her through the crowd, to the outdoor area I’d glimpsed earlier. I didn’t really want to talk to her and had no idea what I’d even say, but I needed closure if I was going to move on with Becca—for good.

I
slipped inside the VIP lounge and searched for Andrew—but when I saw him, he wasn’t alone. He was with a blonde girl. And they were hugging.

I stared at them for an endless moment, waiting for him to notice me, to push the girl away, to run off or yell at her, to do
something
, anything. But as they pulled apart, they exchanged a few words, and then they walked away together, out the door to the patio.

I recognized her from the night of the party at Comic-Con. The girl who had been making out with Hector, who Andy had just proposed to, and who he’d spent the last months trying to forget. But why was Tara here tonight? Hector had said she wasn’t coming—she was living in LA now and wasn’t flying out here for the one show. I’d promised Andrew she wouldn’t be here.

Not that he seemed that upset to see her, judging by the hug and the way they’d walked off together. Oh, god, maybe he wasn’t over her after all. Maybe seeing her again had dragged up all those lingering emotions he’d tried so hard to repress or ignore. I remembered his words on the phone the other night:
“
Exes always bring back some old feelings, in one way or another. You saw how messed up I was after just texting with Tara.”

He’d sworn to me he was over her, even showed me the ring to prove it, but I should have known better. He obviously still had feelings for her. That was clear after the night she’d texted him. And now that they were together in person… I couldn’t even think about it.

Shit, shit, shit. I couldn’t handle this, not now, not on top of all the panic I’d already been feeling about going on stage. I needed a drink or I would lose my fucking mind and have a meltdown right here in the middle of the VIP lounge.

I rushed to the bar and ordered a shot of whiskey, then tossed it back without hesitation.

And then another.

But when I reached for the third, I hesitated. My fingers slid around the shot, my palm sweaty, the glass cold, the alcohol strong. But I resisted the urge to drink it, no matter how much I wanted to.

Almost all of my screw-ups in the past had started with me getting drunk and making bad decisions, which I’d later regretted. I couldn’t go down that path again, even if it felt like the only way to block out the pain. Drinking was easy; it was dealing with life that was difficult. But if there was one thing that was becoming clear to me tonight, it was that the past should remain in the past.

I had to move on for good.

And I had to get the hell out of this place before I made another huge mistake.

T
he music died to a low throb as soon as the door shut behind us. We moved to the far end of the patio, away from the smokers, and for a long moment I just stared at Tara, speechless and overwhelmed by seeing her for the first time in five months. She looked almost exactly the same—long, straight golden hair and bright blue eyes, wearing a T-shirt for
Misfit Squad
, the graphic novel she and Hector created together. But there was something that was different, something under the skin maybe, like she practically glowed with happiness.

“Andy, it’s so good to see you again,” Tara said, gazing up at me.

I was tempted to correct her and tell her I went by Andrew now, but I let it go. To her, I would probably always be Andy, and that was okay. “What are you doing here?”

“I decided to surprise Hector and fly out for the show. I had no idea you’d be here, too!” She studied me closely, eyeing me up and down with a smile. “You’re wearing your glasses.”

I touched them self-consciously out of habit and then lowered my hand. “Becca likes them.”

Her smile got even wider. “So the two of you
are
together.”

“It’s a new thing, but…yes. We are.” It felt good to admit it out loud. And okay, maybe I also wanted to show Tara that I had moved on myself.

“Hector was right. He always said the two of you would be perfect together.” She reached out and lightly touched my forearm. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “And you and Hector…?”

“We’re good. Really good.”

“What about your new job?”

“It’s amazing. I’m so glad I moved to LA. How about you? How do you like Dallas?”

“I like it,” I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I’m not sure how long I’ll stay there, though. It kinda depends on Becca.”

She nodded slowly, like she was taking it all in. By some miracle, it wasn’t as hard to be in Tara’s presence as I’d expected it to be. Uncomfortable, yes. Awkward, yes. But soul-crushingly painful? Not even close.

“Andy, I’m sorry about everything that happened between us. And I just want you to know that nothing went on between me and Hector until after you and I had broken up. We got together at Comic-Con, and I had no idea you were going to…” She let the words trail off and looked away, but we both knew what she was going to say.

“I know.” I took a deep breath, and when I exhaled, I let go of the past. All that lingering resentment, doubt, sadness, and anger—gone. For good this time. “It’s okay. You were right to turn down my proposal.”

“It broke my heart to do it. You were my first love, Andy. But things with Hector are just…different.”

“I know what you mean.” Until this week I never would have understood that comment, but she was right—what I felt for Becca was completely different and much stronger. She made me complete in a way I’d never been with anyone else, in a way that made me wonder how I’d lived the previous twenty-three years without her. I’d been searching my entire life for Becca without even knowing it.

“Do you think you and I could ever be friends? For real this time?” Tara asked. “I miss you so much. You were my best friend, other than Hector.”

At first, my knee-jerk reaction was “hell no.” But seeing Tara in person had solidified it for me: I was truly, one hundred percent over her—and I’d missed her friendship, too. Not to mention, if Becca did end up moving to LA and hanging out with the band, I’d probably see a lot more of Tara and Hector.

“I’d like that,” I said, and this time I was the one who initiated the hug.

A part of me would always love Tara. She’d showed me it was possible to dream of a future with someone and taught me how to be a better boyfriend and lover. But even though we’d had a great relationship, I’d always hidden a piece of myself with her.

With Becca, I was one hundred percent myself. From the moment we’d met, I’d never had any trouble opening up to her without fear of judgement or ridicule. After just a few days, we knew each other better than Tara and I had after dating for an entire year. Not only that, Becca made me want to be a better version of myself. Not Andy or Andrew, but the best parts of both of them.

I hadn’t fallen in love with Tara so much as eased into it. We were together for a long time and we cared about each other a lot, so I’d assumed it was true love. But with Becca I had fallen hard and fast, like someone had shoved me off a rooftop. That’s how I knew for sure she wasn’t a rebound and never had been. She was so much more than that.

I was in love with Becca. I had to tell her. Not now. But soon. When we were both ready.

“There you are,” Hector said behind us. He gave Tara a quick, passionate kiss, and my stomach didn’t twist with jealousy for once. Then he offered me his hand. “Hey, Andy. Good to see you, man.”

I shook his hand. “Likewise.”

“Have you seen Becca by any chance?”

“No. She texted me that she was going to meet me in the VIP lounge, but…” I pulled out my phone. No new texts from her. Strange.

“Shit. We go on stage in a few minutes, and we can’t find her anywhere. I bet she bailed on us again.”

“No way,” I said. “Becca would never do that.”

Hector crossed his arms. “You have no idea what she was like before. She used to pull this shit all the time back in the day. We’d hoped she had changed but…I guess not.”

“Something must have happened. I’ll find her.” I sent Becca a quick text:
Where are you?

No response.

“What will you do if you can’t find her?” Tara asked Hector.

“I don’t know. Cancel the show? We have no other bassist. We’re completely fucked.”

“Give me a minute.” I sent her another text. My skin prickled, and I knew something was wrong. She should have found me in the VIP lounge by now.
Please talk to me.

Parking lot,
she texted back.

“I know where she is,” I said to Hector. “But let me talk to her alone first.”

“You have ten minutes.”

A
ndrew found me outside in front of the stadium, where I paced back and forth in front of my Buick.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked. “Are you leaving?”