More Letters From a Nut (3 page)

Dear Reservations Booker,

I belong to a Male Tickle Club. We want to hold our Tickle Meeting at your restaurant. There are approximately 51 males who are ticklish. We come in 16 cars. We
DO
NOT
engage in any tickling of each other at these meetings!

We gather once a month at various restaurants to hold our meetings. I am in charge of finding the place that best accommodates our needs. There is
NO
tickling at these gatherings. Just
discussion
about tickling. (Fingers, feathers, paper, light bamboo, etc.). If someone is caught tickling, they are dismissed. You will NOT be subjected to any behavior where there is tickling going on. These rules are strictly enforced. NO TICKLING!

We need the following:

125 pounds of shrimp

116 garlic rolls

22 paper tickle aprons (Only officers and guests get aprons)

Can you give me a figure or let me know who I talk to to discuss this?

We want to hold our next meeting at the end of September. This is the best tickle weather. Please write with information so we can proceed. Thank you. Again, these are only discussions and lectures regarding tickling. There is no tickling activity.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Good Tickling

Dear Mr Nancy

Thank you for your interest in our restaurant.

The items needed for your event being some what different than what we usually serve, I would need some more specifics as to the type of food, the preparation, the set up, the time and date.

Please feel free to contact me at your earlier convenience with all the informations that you might have for me.

At The Sutton Place Hotel

4500 MacArthur Boulevard   •   Newport Beach, California   •   92660   •   Tel: (714)476-2001

Dear HRH Prince Philip,

I want to take the time to tell you that I think the people of England are a great bunch of persons. I have always admired certain things the English people contribute but I think the greatest is your lunch menu. Certainly the British noodle dish is the finest dish out there. I eat it all the time. I serve it to others, I tell people about it, I talk it up. I am 100 percent behind these noodles!

Where did you come up with this combination? Chicken, soft noodles, lettuce, pepper, vinaigrette, croutons, peanuts? It’s all there. You can’t ask for anything more from a noodle dish.

You can tell your people that they can be proud because Americans are eating their delicious food, not only as an appetizer but as a main lunch meal! How about that? Is there any way to get the perfect British noodle recipe from you? I will treasure it forever knowing it came from a man with your dignity. I am truly impressed with your Royal status and, of course, your noodles.

Will you write me and let me know that you got my letter? It would be an honor to have a letter from the Duke Of Edinburgh, the place where I get my noodles. You are the leader of the greatest people in the world! May you be Duke forever; may you make this dish forever. God bless you, Prince Philip! Will you send me an autograph?

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

Please send me a picture of you for my buffet.

The Duke of Edinburgh has asked me to thank you for your letter, the contents of which have been noted.

                  Temporary Equerry

Mr Ted Nancy