More (23 page)

Jacob looked out the bay window to the garden. He really didn’t enjoy talking about himself. Jacob spent much time in solitude, and that’s the way he liked it. But this woman had been through so much in the past day, and he somehow felt comfortable around her, much like he felt comfortable around her mother. Maybe it was the fact that she had been so open with him the first time they met. Whatever it was, Jacob began to talk.

“I grew up here in Carmel. My mom died when I was four, so it was just me and my dad growing up. He was always working hard – he worked for a big landscaping company, designing and building mostly for hotels and large companies, but when I was in high school he decided to start his own landscape design business. I started working for him in high school, and that’s when I fell in love with nature and taking God’s creation and molding it into something new.”

“That’s so neat,” she said. “How cool to discover your passion so early in life.”

“Yes, it was great. I’ve never wanted to do anything else. Well,” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “I did once want to be Superman. But that was a long time ago.”

“What, like two years ago?” joked Kate.

Jacob chuckled and threw his crumpled napkin at her.

“So you’ve just been living here and working for your dad ever since?”

“For the most part, yes.”

“For the most part? What does that mean?”

Jacob looked down at his folded hands. “Well…” He took a deep breath and decided to continue, even though there were very few people in the world whom had ever heard this story. “When I was 18, I fell in love with a girl named Denise. She was amazing – so adventurous, so full of life. She really brought out my fun and spontaneous side. I was actually really good friends with her brother Brett from playing soccer together in school, and he’s the one who introduced us. She also had a twin sister, Mary. She was very close to both her siblings and the four of us loved to do things together. We went on hikes, long bike rides, road trips, you name it.”

“Sounds like fun,” said Kate with a smile.

“Oh it was,” said Jacob. “Best memories of my life. Until…well, until one summer.”

Jacob continued with a pained expression on his face. “Denise and Mary were a couple of years younger than Brett and I. We all decided to go on a two month trip backpacking through Europe after the girls graduated. We spent months planning our trip. We researched hostels and good local food and things to do and see, saved up all the money we could, and set off the day the graduation ceremony. We were having an amazing time, doing things I had only dreamed about doing.”

“That must have been absolutely amazing! I’ve never been to Europe and I’ve always wanted to go there.”

“I highly recommend it. I mean, Carmel is beautiful, and I love the Pacific Ocean, but Europe…well, everyone should go to Europe,” he concluded, as if he had decided that attempting to use more words wouldn’t do Europe justice.

Kate was struck by how passionate this seemingly quiet man was about his travels. It reminded her of Meredith telling one of her stories from her adventures around the world.

“But then, everything changed in an instant. We were snorkeling off the coast of Italy. The water was a little choppy but we were leaving for Switzerland the next day and wouldn’t be near the ocean again, so we decided to give it a shot. We swam out pretty far from the shore because we wanted to get as close to untouched nature as we could. We dove and saw some amazing sea life and spent the whole afternoon in the water. We were all getting pretty tired because the water was really giving us a beating, so we decided to swim back to shore. But when we got back…Denise wasn’t with us.”

Kate’s eyes widened as she listened to Jacob continue.

“I was a wreck. As soon and I realized she didn’t make it back with us, I dove right back into the ocean and went to search for her. I don’t know how long I was in the water, yelling her name, treading water, diving down to try and catch a glimpse of her. The Italian Coast Guard came and picked me up and they had to wrestle me out of the water. They found Denise’s body later that night. Apparently she had been sucked under by the current and…she drowned.”

They sat there in silence, and Kate noticed tears forming in his eyes. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said, “I can’t even imagine going through something like that. It must have been so horrifying. I’m so sorry.”

“And do you know what the worst part is? That morning, before we went snorkeling – I asked her to marry me. And she said yes.”

A single tear rolled down his cheek. “It was the worst day of my life. It’s been ten years, and I don’t know if I’ve ever actually gotten over it. I feel so guilty! She knew I was so excited about snorkeling because I love the ocean, so even if she thought it was a bad idea to go out in such choppy water, I know she wouldn’t have said anything because she never wanted to disappoint me. Maybe we stayed out too long. Maybe if we had gone in sooner she would have had the strength to fight the current.”

“You can’t think like that, Jacob. It sounds like it was a freak accident; nothing that could have been predicted or prevented. You were all out having an adventure, which is what you set out to do. You can’t blame yourself.”

“I know. That all makes logical sense, but I lost the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Then you’re just punishing yourself,” said Kate. “Denise sounded like a wonderful person. I don’t think she would want you to go through life carrying this burden.”

Jacob looked over at Kate. He saw sympathy in her eyes and was thankful to have someone to talk to. He had built up so many walls around himself since Denise’s death. He had very few friends, he spent most of his time working, and he rarely allowed himself a chance to go out and have a good time with the few friends he did have. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was punishing himself. But didn’t he deserve to be punished?

“I wish it was me who died,” he whispered.

She cocked her head and continued to stare at him with those compassionate eyes. “Don’t say that,” she said.

Maybe it was the feeling in her voice, or the look in her eyes, or perhaps it was the intense loneliness from Denise’s death that had formed a great black hole in his life, or the fact that he had had very little sleep recently, but Jacob found himself leaning towards Kate. Before he had time to think about what he was doing, he kissed her.

She pulled away quickly. Without a word, she got up from her chair and walked towards the sink. She stared out the window to the garden while Jacob sat, frozen in his chair. After at least a minute of awkward silence, she spoke.

“I…I’m sorry, Jacob. I’m seeing someone. His name is Ben. We just met a few weeks ago, but it’s gotten pretty serious. I don’t know if I was sending you signals, but I’m so sorry if I was…” she trailed off to nothing.

“No need to apologize. I don’t know what came over me. I’m so, so sorry.” He couldn’t look at her while he spoke. How could I have done that? Did I really think that she was going to want to kiss me back? Of course she has someone. She’s too wonderful not to have someone. “Look, I can drive you back to the hospital if you want.”

“No, there’s no need for that. My mom’s car is here; I can drive it back.”

With that, Jacob stood up and walked towards the door. Before opening it, he paused and turned to look Kate in the eyes. “You’re a good person. Thank you for listening to me.” Kate nodded in reply, and then Jacob was gone.

~~~~~

“Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.” Kate was curled up on the couch next to her mother, pretending to read a book while Olivia worked on a needlepoint.

“You’re running away to join the circus, right?”

“Close. But not quite. No, actually, it’s serious.” Kate fidgeted in her seat, looking uncomfortable.

“Honey, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Kate tucked her legs up under her. “This whole thing gave me a huge scare. I’ve never really thought about what I would do if…well, if you weren’t around. You’re my rock, Mom. I love you so much.”

“Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry that I made you worry. I plan to be around for a long, long time.”

Kate offered a half smile, but Olivia could see in her eyes that she was deeply troubled.

“Katie, is there something else?”

Kate’s heart felt as if it was going to explode. She had kept this secret inside of her for so many years. A lifetime of guilt was about to come pouring out, and she was so frightened by how her mother might react.

“I…there’s something I never told you.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“You might not like it.”

“Sweetie, whatever it is, you can tell me. I love you no matter what.”

A single tear slipped down Kate’s cheek. “I knew that Daddy was having an affair.”

Olivia shook her head. “What do you mean? You knew when?”

“You had taken me to the park to go on the swings when I was eight. As we were driving away, I saw him sitting on a bench kissing another woman. I wanted to tell you, really I did, but I was just so…I don’t know. Confused. Scared.”

Olivia sat in a state of shock. “You knew.”

“I did, Mom, but I didn’t know what to do. I had this irrational fear that if I said anything about it, it would make it actually be real. I knew I couldn’t tell you, because it would break your heart. And I know Daddy never laid a hand on me, but for some reason I was scared that he would hurt me if I told him I knew. I mean, I know he wouldn’t have, but I also never ever imagined he would leave us. I guess everything was just shattered to me, so I thought anything was possible. I am
so sorry
. I’ll never forgive myself. Never. And with you in the hospital, I knew I couldn’t keep this secret inside for another day.”

Olivia sat in silence, looking at her daughter. There was a pain in her eyes with a depth she had never seen before. She reached her hand up to wipe away the tears from Kate’s face.

“Don’t you
ever
apologize for anything that happened between your father and me. Don’t even think about it.”

“But if I would have said something…maybe it would have changed things. Maybe you would have been able to fix things before it was too late!”

Feeling the weight of Kate’s burden, Olivia’s eyes began to well up with tears. “I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around all these years. I can’t imagine the kind of guilt you’ve been living with. It makes me
so
angry
at your father that you had to see something like that. You were too young to have to be faced with any of it. Your father made a horrible choice, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. He broke promises that he made to both of us. But you have got to understand that I don’t blame you for anything, and this secret doesn’t change a thing. All it does is make me love you even more for wanting to protect me.”

A lifetime of pain and emotion came flowing out of Kate as sobs racked her body. “I wish he wouldn’t have left us!” she cried, while Olivia stroked her hair.

“Shh, shh. I know, baby. I wish that too.” After Kate’s sobs had lessened, Olivia took her face in her hands. “Kate Henry, I’m so glad you’re my daughter. You are my happy thought.”

There was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” said Kate, grabbing a tissue and wiping the tears from her face. She glanced in the hall mirror while she headed towards the door, and saw red puffy eyes staring back at her. “Okay eyeballs, pull it together.”

She pulled the door open and saw Jacob there, staring at the ground.

“Oh…Jacob,” she said flatly. “Hello.”

Jacob could tell that she had been crying. “Are you all right?”