Moments (Breath of Life Book 3) (2 page)

"Yes, I blame her. She kept my child from me Ryan, my
child
!"

"She probably did it to protect you. I mean look at how you are acting," Ryan countered, "you're falling apart. You aren't dealing with this well. Imagine what you would have done if you found out right after learning about Ella. Paxton was protecting you because she loves you!"

"Why are you defending her? Ella was your niece! How can you take Paxton's side?" Duke raised his voice.

Ryan stood up from his chair and approached Duke. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"I'm not taking sides and your reaction is only proving my point. Ella would have wanted you to move on and not be stuck in the past. As much as it hurts you, the possible future you two would have had together is no longer possible. There's nothing you can do about it and being angry is not going to give you what you want." Ryan paused before continuing. Duke did not miss the firm tone, "Ella would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want you to hate Paxton, to blame her. Am I upset with her? Yes, but what good does that do? It doesn't bring Ella or your baby back."

"No, it doesn't bring them back but makes me want to join them," Duke's voice hardened.

Ryan grabbed Duke by his jaw with one hand, "Don't you say that! Don't you dare even think about doing anything stupid. You will not, and I repeat, will
not
think like that," venom dripped in Ryan's words. Duke attempted to break out of Ryan's grip but failed. It was like he was a child being held in place. He wrapped his hand around Ryan's wrist and Ryan pointed his finger in Duke's face. "I will not let you be a shithead and just check out of this world. Ella wouldn't want that. If you loved her, you will never, ever think about joining her until you are good and old. Do I make myself clear?"

Ryan let Duke go and Duke staggered backwards. He rubbed his jaw and stared at Ryan. Anger was seething through Ryan and all Duke could do was just stare at him. He knew that Ryan had no place telling him what to do.

"Or what? If you kill me because I attempt to, then I can still join them."

"Look," Ryan calmed down a bit, or was at least attempting to. "Killing yourself won't make anything better. Do you think Ella would have wanted that? What about the family you still have left? Huh? What about me?"

Duke looked at Ryan. He wasn't sure how to answer that. Ryan was right though, Ella would roll in her grave if he took his own life. He hated that Ryan was right. He hated his life at the moment, he hated that he was the only one who couldn't see that his wife was pregnant. Duke turned and walked out of the office.

Ryan's voice called out behind him, "Where are you going?"

Ryan continued calling out to him, but Duke kept on walking. He ignored Ryan behind him and ignored the look Madeline gave him as he walked out the door not saying a word. He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do, he just felt the need to be alone with his thoughts, his memories.

ONE

Duke sat at the bar waiting on Sage and Drew to get there. He looked into the beer he was drinking just thinking about things. It had been two months now since he found out Ella was pregnant. Jack was still there living with him but he often went to see Paxton. He ran back to her, after everything Paxton did, Jack went back to her. Duke took another gulp of the cool liquid.

He looked around the bar wondering how his life came to this. He battled his
inner-most demons over the last couple of months. He woke up in the middle of the night, screaming and reaching out for Ella. The look on her face as he was thrown from the car haunted him at night. During the day, the knowing look in her eyes filled his mind. She knew that moment was changing everything for them. He took a drink of the cool amber colored liquid that filled his glass. Duke sighed. He couldn't believe he didn't know. Everything was so clear now looking back. How could he have not known? He took another drink and another one. He needed to drown her out, dispel the images of her before he could fall asleep at night. He knew he needed to get some sleep tonight, so he finished the half of beer still left in his glass.

"Slow down slugger," Lexi winked at him.

Duke scoffed as he set the empty glass on her tray that she set on the high table. Lexi had become a good friend to him over the years. She was the server that usually took care of him and the boys. Lexi became more than just a friend to him over the last two months. The week he found out about Ella's pregnancy, he started coming here. At first he was by himself, wanting to be alone. He didn't make the best choices and Lexi ended up taking care of him. She even took him out on her nights off to make sure he was alright. He didn't want the guys to see him breakdown, so Lexi had become his go-to person. One night they both took it a little too far but they were both just trying to fill their own needs. Neither of them looking for a relationship, just someone to scratch an itch.

"One more, please."

"Before the boys get here? You show up a little bit earlier each time you come in. Need to talk about it?"

"No, I'm fine. Meet me later?"

"Working the closing shift tonight, so I can stop by after work if you want?" She scooted a little closer to Duke.

"Hmm, maybe tomorrow after my game? School night and all," he smirked. He knew he shouldn't be out on a Thursday but Jack was bringing Paxton over to the house for dinner. Apparently the cabin was getting some new windows and she needed somewhere to stay while they finished up. Duke couldn't look at Paxton without his chest ripping apart. The bar was the only place he could be right now as Sage and his new wife were still settling into their new place and Drew was working late but they all decided to get together for their pizza and beer night before a game. It was a ritual that Duke was grateful he had at the moment. It kept him from becoming a hermit. He knew that if that if he stopped showing up and tried to shut himself away, they would only question him about it. They knew what was going on but they let Duke keep his distance when he needed it. Once in a while they would ask but it was a subject they just didn't talk about.

"Sure, let me go get your drink, but after this, water. Can't have you getting fired from your job," she winked as she picked up her tray and left.

Duke watched her walk away. Lexi was a good person, she deserved to be taken by someone who didn't use her as a warm body in their bed. Even though he and Lexi didn't want relationships, she didn't deserve to be someone's fuck buddy. Duke knew he was only sleeping with her to try to erase Paxton. He hadn't spoken to Paxton since he left the emergency room, he still ached for her. She tore his world apart, took his wife and child, but his heart still yearned for her. Duke hated himself for it.

A few minutes later, Sage and Drew arrived. Duke was pulled from his thoughts once more. This is what he loved about the guys, they were there whenever he needed them but didn't suffocate him.

"So why aren't we meeting at your place tonight? It was your turn to host right?" Drew asked.

"I figured we should change it up anyways. Jack and Paxton are staying at the house and I can't bear to watch them together."

"Hoping to get Lexi to fix your itch?" Sage asked. They both knew that he ran to Lexi on nights like this.

"No, it's not like that." Duke didn't like to think of her as a booty call. What they had was merely an agreement. They supported each other.

Drew and Sage chuckled. "Look you can bang whoever you want, we don't care but come on, don't lie to us," Drew slapped him on the back.

"Yeah, we know you are still thinking about Paxton, but Lexi isn't Paxton...or Ella. Just do something. You can't live your life like this. Yes, you are getting out of the house, but something is still off with you. You are throwing yourself into work, your students, which can be a good thing, but let Paxton go. She made her choice," Sage stared at Duke after his little speech. Duke knew telling Sage and Drew about his lingering feelings about Paxton was for the best but they can be insensitive pricks sometimes. "Lexi is a good for you. She likes you. Don't hurt her because you are angry."

Duke knew Sage was right. Lexi became a good friend to everyone. From time to time over the last month, she came out with them. She fit perfectly into their group. She was one of the guys and the no-strings sex with Duke was a bonus. Although lately Duke noticed she was staring a little longer when they weren't lost in their own dismal thoughts while they were together. They would lay their breathless afterwards and not move. Sometimes they just fell asleep, their bodies still tangled together. No doubt her feelings were growing slowly but surely for him day by day. Soon the strings would come and Duke wasn't ready for that.

Duke drank his beer. Drew and Sage changed the subject but his mind was still lingering on what Sage had just said. Lexi was a great girl, if he had any sense he would listen to Sage. He just wasn't ready to open himself up again as the scars were still visible on his heart. The hurt hadn't faded far enough away for him to even think about moving on.

TWO

Duke headed back to the house. He had a couple hours before the home game and he forgot his tennis shoes in his room when he was packing his bag this morning. He figured he would grab them quickly and head off to the field. He liked to get there before everyone and just sit and think about things and get his head in the game. He walked into the living room and froze. There laid Paxton and Jack sleeping on the couch, wrapped up in one another, much like he was with Lexi last night.

Duke stood there staring at them. They probably didn't expect him to come home before the game. Jack did his best to warn him if Paxton would be at the house. Jack walked a fine line between the two people he cared for most, Duke and Paxton. Duke wished things were different. He knew it wasn't fair to Jack to make him walk that line but
Paxton, well Duke could live without seeing her again. However, here she was wrapped up in Jack's arms and their legs tangle together. Duke felt his heart drop. They were happy and he was in his own private hell, the one he used Lexi to try to get out of from time to time.

Duke walked quietly to his room and grabbed his shoes. He took a moment to collect himself before leaving the sanctity of his room. She made her choice, her choice was Jack, not him. He needed to get that through his head. Well he did, his heart still wasn't listening though. Taking a deep breath he headed back out.

"Duke?" a quiet voice sounded as he was sneaking through the living room.

Duke turned and saw a sleepy-eyed Paxton staring over at him. Jack was still sound asleep. Duke looked down at the floor and turned back towards the door, he was trying to hide his fleeting emotions running across his face from her. He would not let her see this. He would not let her know how much she still affected him.

A warm hand slid down his back. He grimaced at her touch, but relished it all at the same time. Her hand came up to his shoulder and he moved out of her grip. Her touch made his skin tingle and burn. He knew she shouldn't do this, she made her choice.

"Need something?" His voice was quiet and showed no strength on his part. He was broken and she needed to know it. He didn't bother turning around, just tilted his ear in her direction waiting for her answer.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing, we don't talk anymore and we barely see each other."

"Don't. Don't pretend nothing is going on between us," he turned and faced her.

"Please, you're still my friend-"

"No!" He tried to keep his voice firm without raising it. He didn't want to wake Jack. He slightly turned his body to face her, to make sure he was crystal clear with her. "No, I was your best friend's husband, her child's father. I was your lover, but we," he paused, his hand motioning between them. "We are not friends. You chose Jack over me, you chose the man who ran out on you versus the one who stayed and dried your tears. You didn't choose me, the one that held you all those nights, the one who helped you every step of the way. So don't. I'm not your friend. I just can't do this. We aren't happening anymore, we are done, history, however you want to define it. There can never be anything between us again. Hell could freeze over, you could be the last woman on Earth, but I won't go there with you again. You have broken me, you've done enough damage. So just leave me be." With that, Duke walked away, not giving her a chance to say a damn thing. He saw the hurt in her eyes and he couldn't help but feel justified, but his chest tightened as he closed the door behind him. The war between his head and heart was still going strong, but he didn't need to let Paxton see that. He couldn't give her any hope that they could go back to what they were, friends and/or lovers.

***

Duke looked out at his players warming up. He still couldn't shake the images of Paxton, the feel of her hand on his back, or the concern in her voice.

"Hey you!" Duke turned around and saw Lexi on the other side of the fence.

"Hey what are you doing here? I thought you were working tonight. I was going to come see you later." Duke headed around the dugout fence towards her.

"I switched shifts so I can see the team play." She gave him a hug. "Maybe we can still see each other later?" She raised her eyebrows.

Duke caught the hidden meaning. "I think a that would be a good idea."

"Coach, I need your lineup," the ump called from the field.

"Gotta go, see you after the game?"

"Yeah, go get 'em coach," she teased.

Duke turned and jogged towards the field and home plate. He handed the piece of paper over to the announcer in the announcer's box. He then headed over to his players.

"Come on guys, bring it in."

Duke waited for all the players to gather around them. They all looked prepared for this.

"Alright, it's game time boys. We need to win today and Tuesday then we will be well on our way to State. Play like we did in practice and this will be easy. Now who's ready to win?"

"WE ARE!"

"Who's house is this?"

"OURS!"

"Indians on three. One. Two. Three!"

"INDIANS!"

They turned and gathered for other pre-game rituals, mentally preparing for the innings that lay in front of them and getting ready for the game to commence.

Duke smiled as his players took their positions in the outfield. This game was looking good against Topeka. His boys were focused and ready to win. They wanted State just as bad as Duke did. They were so close and he was ready. If they win these next two games, they will be in the playoffs.

The first couple of innings went by scoreless. Finally in the third, bats started going. Duke was pleased but Topeka came to play today. It was the top of the fourth and they were tied, 3-3. Duke heard the crack of the bat. Topeka hit a line drive to his pitcher. His breath caught in his chest. Ryan, his pitcher, reacted to the sound. He put his glove up and caught it. He quickly threw it back to first and it was a double play. The stands filled with noise as the play unfolded. Duke heard one cheer in particular that kept his breath from moving.

He turned and looked for her. It wasn't possible that she was here. Duke's eyes searched the crowd but he didn't see her.
He looked for the blonde hair and green eyes of his wife. There was no way Ella could be there but the cheer he heard, it sounded just like her. The crack of the next bat brought more cheers. His view settled on a brunette. It was her cheer that sounded so much like Ella's. She turned and glanced at him. Her smile was beautiful and wide. She turned her attention back to the game and cheered the boys on. Duke couldn't take his eyes off of her. Images of her and Ella blended together and he felt the world spin around him.

He heard more cheering, for what he didn't know. Soon his players started heading into the dugout. They must have gotten the third out. He sat in an empty spot on the bench as he could no longer stand. His thoughts wandering towards the woman in the bleachers.

"Coach? You okay?"

Duke looked up. His players were looking over at him. "Uh, yeah. Great job guys, let's get our bats going."

Duke stood and put his game face back on. He just needed to focus on the game. Get through the game then he can deal with everything else.

"Taylor you're up, Andy on deck and Jimmy in the hole. Let's get these bats going!" Duke clapped trying to keep the momentum of the team going. His lapse in judgment, getting his head out of the game, will not and cannot distract his team right now. They need to know he is still here. He ran out to 3
rd
base, one of his assistants took first.

The rest of the game went smooth. He squeezed his eyes shut every time he heard the cheers, trying to block her out. It was easy when he was directing players to run home or stay on base. In the dugout, it was harder but he managed.

The game was finally over and they had won by one run. He was proud of his boys for sticking it out and not buckling under the pressure. Parents came and congratulated before letting their sons go off to celebrate. The woman he tried so hard to ignore now stood in front of him as Chase was talking to him.

"Hey, so glad you made it!" Chase hugged her quickly. He turned towards Duke as she did as well. "Coach, this is my Aunt Jennah."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Jennah extended her hand. Her green eyes reminded him of Ella. Her voice sounded like Ella. It was like he was reaching out to a ghost, his past haunting him only in a slightly different form.

"Pleasure. Coach Avery. Glad you could make it out," Duke took her hand. He noticed her soft skin and ring-less finger. Their handshake lasted a few moments too long as they both stared at each other.

She released Duke's hand and then squeezed Chase one more time.

"Well, I just wanted to say congrats on the win and Dobry and I will see you later."

Duke stood back and watched Jennah walk off. She was beautiful. She had brown hair that fell just below her shoulders, she wasn't as petite as Ella was but she had a similar build. Her voice though, it sent a chill to his bone. If he closed his eyes, he would bet his life that it was Ella who stood before him. That's what scared him the most about the woman he just met. He hoped that she wouldn't show up to any more games. He didn't need the distraction or the reminder of what he no longer had. Besides she had Dobry, whoever that was.