Moment of Weakness (Embracing Moments Book 1) (35 page)

“Roman?”

At the sound of my voice, his face swung to mine, and as he moved to sit up, a mouthful of painful groans passed his lips. “I didn’t think you would come.”

Walking over to him, I grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and positioned it beside him. “I wasn’t going to.”

He winced at my words. “What made you change your mind?”

“Closure,” I whispered. The back of my throat stung, and I watched his chest stop mid-rise as if my words sucked all the viable air from the room. I shifted in my seat. “I told myself I wasn’t going to come in here—wasn’t going to give in to that part of myself that wanted to see you. But then I kept asking myself these questions . . . questions that you may have the answers to.”

Roman stared back at the blank television screen, his tone flat. “So then ask.”

Was any of it real? How about us Roman? Did what we have mean anything to you? Were we real?

I shook my head, attempting to push those thoughts aside. Those questions didn’t matter.
We
no longer mattered. “When you said I was your first assignment. Was that true?” The ball in Roman’s throat moved up and down, but he sat there quiet. His silence hit me square in my chest, and the ache that was there grew even larger. The muscle along my jaw tightened. “How many others, Roman?”

“I don’t keep track.” His voice was void of emotion as he spoke. “Contracts come in and I either accept the job or I don’t. Had I known what this job would entail, I never would have accepted it.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means, that I never had to play the inside guy before. I do my job and move on to the next. I wasn’t there to protect you, Julia. That became my cover after I was forced to wait—”

“To kill my father,” I finished. It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact. “And your family, Roman, was that just some story to make me feel sorry for you?”

Roman closed his eyes. “No. Everything I have ever told you about my family was true.”

“How ironic is that?” My head moved in disbelief. “You bear witness to your family being murdered, yet you grow up to be no better than the men that took everything from you.”

His eyes flashed to mine. “My family is why I do what I do.” His tone suddenly had a hard edge to it.

“Your mind is twisted if you think murdering people brings justice to your family, Roman.”

“I don’t expect you to understand or even believe me. But the people I go after, they are the very people who create the scum that killed my family. Mob bosses, drug lords, sex traffickers. That’s who I go after, Julia.” Roman’s lips pressed together in a slight frown.

“And what about my father, Roman?” I leaned in closer, wanting him to see the hurt and anger building inside me. “Tell me, does he secretly run a sex trafficking or drug ring?” Roman remained quiet. “No? Oh, that’s right, he’s a fucking mob boss.”

“You think I didn’t realize that!” The deep sound of Roman’s voice echoed throughout the room. “As much as I hate to admit it, I’m one of the best at what I do, Julia. The person who hired me knows that I only take on certain contracts. They lied. The paperwork was bullshit, and I should have picked up on it. I should have fucking known. But by the time I had it figured out, it was too late.” His voice dropped back down to a whisper, and his eyes carried the same sadness his tone did. “It was too late.”

“I thought I knew you, Roman—I thought I knew you—and the sad truth is, I don’t know a damn thing.” My voice shook, and the rise of my emotions had me pushing myself out of the chair. “I fell in love with you . . . I gave you all of me.” I shook my head, and the burning sensation behind my eyes was a precursor for the tears that were sure to follow. “I might as well have given myself to a stranger.”

“Don’t do that!” Roman bit out. He reached for me, and the part of me that still loved him, allowed him to pull me closer. “Don’t turn what we had into something that meant absolutely nothing.”

I looked into his eyes, his lips just inches from mine. “Did it, Roman? Did it mean something? Because I’m no longer convinced what we shared was even real.”

Hurt flashed in his eyes. “I know I lied, and I don’t expect you to be okay with that. But believe me when I say that what I felt for you”—His fingers moved to caress my face, and it was like the dam had broken open. Hot tears raced down my cheeks, and Roman’s thumbs moved to catch them—“What I
still
feel for you
. . .
It’s beyond real, Julia.”

He brushed his mouth against mine, and I moved forward, capturing his lips. I focused on their softness, the way they tasted, and the feeling that ran through me every time they melded together with my own. Remembering his kiss was exactly what I needed in order to forget it. I pulled away, not just from his lips, but from him entirely. My eyes locked with his green ones, and guilt slammed into my chest as I stared at the false hope I had put there.

I rose to my feet. “We’re grateful for what you did . . . risking your life to protect us—”

“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

I sighed and then took a deep breath before continuing. “What you did is the only reason we decided to look past who you are. After you’re released, you can live your life however you choose as long as it is far away from us. You are not to contact—”

“No.” Roman’s brows pulled together and fear swept across his face. He forced a hand through his hair, gripping it mid-swipe. “Tell me what I need to do to make this right . . . I can’t—” He stumbled over his words. “You’re all I have, Julia. You’re the only thing that matters. Please, don’t do this.”

I moved from the bed, and Roman attempted to grab my hand, but I dodged his grasp, knowing if he touched me again I wouldn’t be able to walk away. “It’s already done, Roman.”

Tears coated his eyes. He looked away, and I wanted to be the one to catch his tears like he had done so many times for me, but how could I? How could I when so much damage had been done, so much trust lost? “I love you, Julia. I’ve lost so much already. I can’t lose you too.”

His words were like salt; they trickled deep, burning the thin layers of my bleeding heart. I turned on my heels, and with all the strength and courage I could gather, I walked toward the door.

“So that’s it?” he questioned, his voice taunting me. “Loving me is too hard for you?”

I stopped and allowed all my hurt and sadness to erupt into one teary mass explosion. “No, Roman.” I shook my head, my voice full of raw emotion. “Loving you isn’t the hard part, that part is easy. Despite everything I’ve learned, I still love you.” I turned and faced him, not caring about my glazed eyes and soaked cheeks. “You want to know what’s hard. Being mad at you is hard. I’m mad that you lied. Mad that I allowed myself to fall in love with someone who I never truly knew.” My hands shook, and I wiped the tears from my face before they fell to the floor. “I’m mad that I’m forced to walk away from the only man besides my father and Theo that I will ever love.”

“So then don’t!” he rushed. His eyes pled with me, and his voice was thick with unbridled emotion. “Don’t.”

“I have to!” I cried. “You told me once you didn’t know how to love me and protect me. I didn’t understand it then, but I get it now because I don’t—” My chest burned and my lungs ached at the inability to catch my breath. When I finally caught it, I continued. “I don’t know how to love you and be mad at you.”

A heartbeat passed. He stared at me through teary eyes, and then in a soft whisper asked, “Will you ever stop?”

“Loving you?” I worked the words around the lump in my throat. “No.” I let out a long sigh. “As far as being mad . . . I hope so.” Turning back around, I walked toward the door, and as soon as my hand grabbed the handle, I heard Roman’s voice once more.

“Julia?”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I spoke through gritted teeth. “Yeah, Roman?”

The room was so damn quiet I could hear him swallow. “My office. Top right drawer of my desk. There is a black folder. It contains everything.”

I nodded in understanding, my throat too thick to speak. Immense pain hit my chest as I pulled the door open and walked out. With every step I took, I could feel them—the threads Roman had used to mend my broken heart slowly unraveled.

WALKING AWAY FROM
Roman was hard. Going to his house was even harder. Everything was just the way we left it. His nightstand drawer still hung open, and the black sheets we had tangled ourselves up in just days ago lay messily in the center of the bed. I should have listened to the smarter part of my brain, the part that told me to avoid his room altogether, but when I walked through the door, it was where my feet carried me. Sitting on the bed, I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. The faint smell of his cologne lingered in the air, and I resisted the urge to wrap myself up in his sheets—wrap myself up in the memories we had created in them.

“Everything okay, Miss Julia?”

My eyes shot open at the sound of Theo’s voice. “Yeah I was just . . .” My voice trailed off. Truth was, I wasn’t okay. Every part of me ached, especially my heart, and I didn’t know what I was doing. Theo strolled through the door and moved to sit beside me.

“Sometimes certain memories affect you so much you bury them deep within your mind—your heart—it’s easier to forget about them than to relive them.”

I looked over at Theo, his face was pulled tight and sadness danced in his eyes.

“I was in love once. The crazy life-changing kind of love. It was years ago before I worked for your parents. I had just finished my last tour, and I had every intention of re-enlisting. And then I met her. Everyone called her Roxanne, but to me, she was Roxi. My Roxi.” A sad smile pulled at his lips. “She knew me. Understood me. Even the parts of myself that I had trouble understanding at times.”

I frowned. “What happened?”

“I’ve done a lot of stuff in my life I’m not proud of. I’ve witnessed things no person should have to witness, and I’ve killed people. I’d like to think they were all bad, but deep inside, I know some of them were just innocent bystanders. For the first couple of years we were together, I had kept that from her. No one likes talking about what they have done, especially retired military veterans.”

I sat in silence, listening to each word he spoke, his face twisted into a grimace as he recalled his memories, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

“Roxi found out. One day, my past decided to wiggle itself into the present. I downed an entire bottle of Jack, and when Roxi came home from work, she found me passed out on the living room floor. The next morning I woke up alone. Roxi left.”

“Because you got drunk?” I asked, confused.

He shook his head. “Because she could no longer handle who I was, or what I had done. I had told her everything. And Roxi, she was against war to begin with. Wouldn’t even let me kill an ant if it crossed the countertop.”

I frowned. “So she left?”

He nodded and cleared his throat. “She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t be with a murderer.”

“You’re not a murderer, Theo. You didn’t have a choice! You were in the military. You weren’t only protecting yourself but you were protecting your country.”

“Roxi had this strong belief that anyone who could take a life without regret, without remorse, was someone who wasn’t capable of love. I’d be lying if I said I felt those things for every person I killed. I do not feel one shred of remorse or guilt. Not for the terrorists, and certainly not for the asshole who almost took the two most important people from me days ago.”

I laid my head on his shoulder, hoping the small gesture would let him know just how much I cared. “Theo, I don’t know anyone who is more capable of loving than you. Your past and the things you’ve done are not an indicator of who you are today—of who you’ll be tomorrow.”

Theo smiled and rested his head against my own. “You’re wise beyond your years, Miss Julia. A trait you’ve inherited from both your parents.”

“Speaking of parents,” I said, rising to my feet. “I think it’s time to grab that file.”

Theo stood, and as I walked toward the door, I took one more sad look around Roman’s room. “Miss Julia, I know it’s difficult, and I’m not trying to encourage your decision either way, but maybe after we look at this file, you’ll consider your own words. It may save someone else from thinking their past makes them incapable of loving, or worse, being loved.”

My lips parted, but before I could utter a word, Theo disappeared. The reason he had shared his story became clear. While it had to do with his past, it had more to do with me. With Roman and me.