Missing Without A Trace (22 page)

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars,”
⁸
Ralph Waldo Emerson, a nineteenth-century lecturer and writer, tells us. There were many dark days for him. Not only did three of his siblings die in childhood, his father died before Emerson was eight years old. Later, two younger brothers and his first wife died from tuberculosis. But he continued searching for the stars, and went on to have a fine career as an intellectual voice.

“We must try not to sink beneath our anguish… but battle on,”
⁹
according to J.K. Rowling, the British author whose
Harry Potter
series has taken the world by storm. She had been working as a secretary when the idea for a story about a young boy attending a school of wizardry came to her. Before she could finish writing the first book, her mother died after a long battle with multiple sclerosis. Next, her marriage crumbled just months after her daughter was born. Jo contemplated suicide and was diagnosed with depression. Fortunately, she did “battle on” and her extraordinary rags-to-riches story began. From bleak days, dependent upon welfare and writing
Harry Potter
on an old manual typewriter, she has become a billionaire, lauded for encouraging children to return to the art of reading.

So what are we to do when the ill winds of fortune blow in our direction? The answer isn’t to stay cuddled up under the covers, hoping to hide from the gusts as they pass overhead. That’s not living. But there are things we can do to survive and even triumph over tragedy.

The most basic thing to remember is to breathe, slowly and deeply. When we become frightened, we start taking short shallow breaths. We may even hold our breath. Our brain and the rest of our body need oxygen to function. When we concentrate on our breathing and focus on taking slow, deep breaths, we naturally relax.

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it,”
¹⁰
according to comedian Bill Cosby. When we can laugh at our own foibles or the irony of the universe, our pent-up tension is defused and we begin to find creative solutions.

Losing ourselves in a passion—such as running, riding horses, art, music, poetry, or film—is a soothing escape that gives us perspective when we get back to the task of solving our problems.

Living with a pet helps change the focus from us wanting to be taken care of to our taking care of another living creature. Our pets love
us unconditionally, sensing when we are sad and becoming more loving to comfort us.

Self-help books are invaluable because we can live vicariously through the stories of other people’s struggles to survive, and find solace. Similarly, self-help groups can be useful because it is comforting to find a supportive ear when recounting experiences that were embarrassing or devastating.

Keeping a gratitude journal reminds us that we have much to be thankful for, despite the dark clouds hovering over us at the moment.

Meditating and keeping a diary help to bring traumatic memories to the forefront. Similarly, guided imagery is a psychotherapeutic tool that brings memories back in the form of waking dreams, whose symbolism can be interpreted much like the symbols of dreams that we have when we are asleep.

It takes time to process our traumatic experiences in a slow, careful manner, so as to call up the repressed memories and feel the feelings, a little at a time. This is what is done in psychotherapy. Although re-experiencing the pain is not pleasant at first, it soon becomes extremely cathartic and liberating.

The key is to grow through all of these therapeutic endeavors until the memories have lost their painful charge. We must not allow ourselves to be defined by one or more traumatic events from our past. Instead, we must surround ourselves with warm-hearted people, who are as devoted to loving us as we are to loving them. And we must dedicate ourselves with renewed vigor to making happier and more fulfilling new memories each day, which will then make the unpleasant ones obsolete.

When people cannot find a loved one, the person is, indeed, “missing.” But, in terms of the law and its practicalities, this reality is complicated by American civil rights and, specifically, our right to privacy. The fact is that
every adult
has the right to disappear. Still, our police and other public servants must “protect and defend” those who are missing and endangered.

It is true that some law enforcement agencies hesitate to assume the responsibility for a missing persons case because, often, the person is voluntarily missing and does not want to be found and, on the other hand, missing persons investigations can be expensive and time consuming. In addition, in many operations, the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. We cannot allow this to occur.

In Tanya’s case, the guidelines and their implementation were at fault. In order to save lives, we need to change law enforcement protocols. Only by the grace of God—and good Honda airbags—did Tanya survive for eight days while one-size-fits-all procedures kept her trapped.

While Tanya’s accident, her captivity and abandonment in the car, and the aftermath of her ordeal have been devastating, the Riders are determined to turn the entire experience into a positive scenario. They do not want anyone else to have to suffer, clinging to life as Tanya did for more than a week without food, water or medical help.

Fixing the System: Missing Persons Protocol

As a result of their ordeal, Tom and Tanya Rider want to effect change regarding the laws and systems for the handling of missing persons cases. Tom feels that the problem in Tanya’s case was that the police departments relied on “cookie cutter” laws. The agencies that Tom contacted tried to fit Tanya’s situation into a one-size-fits-all procedure, applying the precedents of “routine” situations to every situation, including Tanya’s. This, he feels was a recipe for disaster and, indeed, it proved to be disastrous in Tanya’s unique set of circumstances.

The fact is that, when a person is missing, time is critical. Lives are hanging in the balance. To protect everyone, police departments should immediately start investigating upon receiving a 911 call that reports a friend, roommate or family member as “missing.” It is also a fact that some of these “missing persons” may have wanted to disappear. Or, they may have been irresponsible—going on vacation without telling anyone or going off on a drunken binge. Yes, it is a fact that police officers and their departments could waste significant and valuable time and resources looking for people who do not want to be found—a wayward boyfriend who escaped to a bar for the night or a long-lost sister who disowned her family and didn’t want to tell them that that’s what she was doing. Complicating this picture, police must protect the privacy and safety of those wishing to leave abusive situations.

When Tom tried repeatedly to report his wife missing—and then begged the detectives to investigate—Tanya languished in her car, with tragic injuries. When investigators finally suspected that something was amiss, they looked to Tom as the perpetrator of foul play and only then did they begin to launch a proper search investigation. According to Tom, it was a rogue officer who broke department protocol, formed a search-and-rescue search party, and cordoned off the area in question. Were it not for that officer, Tanya very well may have died. Indeed, the hospital doctors
said that, had another hour elapsed, she probably wouldn’t have made it.

Activism

Today, we have amazing tools at our disposal, including cell phone technology that can “ping” a missing person’s cell phone in order to locate it. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to utilize these tools and, further, the right to privacy impedes law enforcement’s use of such tools. We need to work to change procedure in this area. First, we need to ensure that our police departments have the immediate authority and responsibility to determine the location of cell phones and to conduct a welfare check so that they can simply tell a searching loved one that the missing person is fine, perhaps adding that the person wished to remain “missing.”

Beyond that, police departments, missing person advocates, and the American public should explore forming agreements with all major cell phone service providers, allowing cell phone owners to provide consent that their spouse or any designated loved one(s) may access information regarding the phone’s whereabouts. If a person wants to disappear, they can always revoke this permission so that their information remains confidential and their privacy is protected. It is likely that, given the option, most cautious people would gladly give their spouse or parent the ability to find them—and save their lives—if they are mysteriously missing.

Many of the national and state organizations that help to find missing persons and that provide support for their loved ones also advocate for changes in the laws around law enforcement protections of the innocent, as well as laws to keep predators off the street.

The following organizations are very active in affecting change:

Association of Missing and Exploited Children’s Organization (AMECO)
703-838-8379 | Toll Free: 877-263-2620
www.amecoinc.org
[email protected]
An organization of member organizations that provide prevention programs
and educational materials
.

Polly Klaas Foundation
Hotline: 800-587-4357
www.pollyklaas.org
[email protected]
Nonprofit that helps find missing children, works to prevent children from
going missing, and promotes laws to help keep children safe
.

The Laura Recovery Center
281-482-LRCF(5723) | Toll Free: 866-898-5723
www.lrcf.org
Works to promote education and prevention and provides search services
.

In order to change the procedures and protocols of the involved entities, we must first understand the complexities of the issue from the various perspectives: law enforcement, loved ones and, above all, the missing. Then, we will be ready to start a national dialogue on how we can respect the rights of the individual while protecting our loved ones from the type of suffering Tanya Rider endured—whether they are abducted or their car skids off a road into a canal or a ravine. Lives are at stake. The reality is tragic and the cost is great.

“Day to day, we can only do our best with what is served up to us. But, now, I know that—whatever life throws at us—each of us has it within ourselves to conquer all. This strength doesn’t belong to me, alone. Rather, each of us must determine that we will overcome the obstacles that come before us.”

—Tanya Rider

By Carole Lieberman, M.D
.

“I’ve had a tough angel looking out for me, ever since I was young,” Tanya explains with stunning simplicity, when asked about her miraculous survival. Yet, anyone who has learned of her story can’t help wanting to know more.

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a ravine like this?

Whatever else may have happened that fateful fall day, it must first be understood that Tanya was not familiar with the road she was driving, because she and Tom had just moved to Maple Valley. Yet, she had already decided that she did not feel comfortable on that portion of Highway 169. People were often talking on their cell phones while driving, pieces of wood were hanging out of their trucks and aggressive drivers were cutting people off. “You have to collide together into one lane, so it is emotionally hard for me…. But, I don’t take the easy roads.” Indeed, metaphorically speaking, Tanya’s life has always been a rough road.

What happened in that split second before her car left Highway 169 and plunged into a ravine is still a mystery. It may have been something mundane, like swerving to avoid hitting an animal that was crossing the road.

Or, it may have been the exhausting pursuit of the American Dream that took its toll. They’d just bought land on which to build a dream home, were about to sign a mortgage for the new home they’d barely begun living in, and were paying off a loan for an SUV that still had ‘new car smell’ in it. Working hard to enjoy the life they’d aspired to, they each took two jobs, sacrificing sleep in the process. Tom worked as a superintendent for SoundBuilt Homes during the day and delivered pizza at night. Tanya worked at the Nordstrom Rack, as a dressing room attendant, from two to ten
PM
, and at Fred Meyer, stocking health and beauty aids, from midnight to eight
AM.

Driving home from Fred Meyer, she may have been too tired to steer well. Fatigue may have caused her eyes to play tricks on her. Or, she may even have fallen asleep at the wheel. “If I was tired, I might’ve thought of opening the window,” Tanya vaguely recalls.

As a little girl, she had learned a painful lesson: Whenever you get something good, you court danger and punishment. Though Tanya acknowledges having had depression since childhood, she’s tried hard to break the cycle of her family history. “I’ve always thought about the brighter picture,” she asserts, adding that “people choose to drown out hurtful areas of their lives—in alcohol, relationships, sex…. People make bad choices when they’ve had bad things happen to them, or bad parents or depression.”