Miss Kraft Is Daft! (5 page)

“B-b-b-but … ,” I said.

Everybody started giggling because I said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” even though it has one less
t
.

“I'm keeping an eye on you, young man!” yelled Mr. Klutz. “You are
this
close to being suspended.”

I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

“Oh, don't worry about
him
,” said Miss Kraft after Mr. Klutz left the room. “I know how to take care of principals.”

She also told us the five-hundred-pound weight wasn't
really
going to drop on her head, and it wasn't five hundred pounds either. It was made out of cardboard. She said she knew we would put the states in ABC order faster if we thought a five-hundred-pound weight was about to drop on her head.

Ryan and I untied the ropes around Miss Kraft.

So she had played a little trick on us. That was okay, because we were about to play a little trick on
her
.

I looked at the clock. It was 12:45. Fifteen minutes until the Big Book Drop.

“Okay, everybody!” Miss Kraft said. “It's D.E.A.R. time!”

D.E.A.R. stands for Drop Everything and Read. We all have to read silently for half an hour. Ugh, I hate reading.

We all took books out from our desks. I had a book about fighter planes that I got from the school library. Reading it wasn't much fun, but the pictures of the fighter planes were cool.

It was hard to concentrate on my book anyway, because all I could think about was the Big Book Drop. I checked the clock. Ten minutes to go.

I turned around to look at Ryan, Michael, Neil, and all the other kids. Everybody was reading silently. Miss Kraft was sitting at Mr. Granite's desk, reading a book called
Magic Tricks for Dummies
.

I moved my pile of books to the edge of my desk so it would be easier to drop them on the floor. It was going to be hilarious when we all dropped our books at the same time.

Five minutes to go.

I could barely even look at my book about fighter planes. It was almost one o'clock. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ryan passing a note to Michael. I figured he was reminding Michael to drop his books at one o'clock.

There were only a few minutes left. Kids were snickering and whispering and passing notes back and forth.

I looked at the second hand on the clock. It was sweeping around the dial. This was going to be
hilarious
!

The second hand was getting close to the top. Twelve seconds left!

I got ready for the Big Book Drop.

10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 …

It was so exciting!

5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1!

One o'clock! It was time! I pushed the pile of books off my desk.

Boom!

My books hit the floor. Miss Kraft jumped in her seat.

Ahahahahahahaha!

I looked around. Nobody else had dropped their books on the floor.

WHAT?!

Everybody was looking at me.

I probably don't need to tell you who walked into the doorway at that moment. It was Mr. Klutz, of course.

“What was that loud bang?” he asked.

“Arlo dropped a bunch of books on the floor,” Andrea said, a little smile on her face.

“Why did you do
that
, A.J.?” asked Mr. Klutz. He looked mad.

“I-I thought
everybody
was going to drop their books at one o'clock,” I explained. “That was the plan.”

“The
plan
?” said Mr. Klutz. “You
planned
to have everyone drop their books on the floor? Is that your idea of
fun
? One more stunt like that and you will be suspended, young man!”

“B-b-b-but …”

Everybody started giggling because I said “but” again.

Wow, Mr. Klutz was
really
mad. And so was I. When we went out for recess, I gave everybody a piece of my mind.

Well, I didn't
really
give them a piece of my mind. If I did that, I would have less mind for myself. But I told them how angry I was.

“How come you guys didn't drop your books on the floor at one o'clock?” I asked. “That was the plan!”

“We chickened out,” Ryan told me, “so we called off the Big Book Drop.”

“Why didn't anybody tell
me
you called off the Big Book Drop?” I asked them.

“I thought
you
told A.J.,” Ryan said to Michael.

“I thought
you
told A.J.,” Michael said to Neil.

“I thought
you
told A.J.,” Neil said to Alexia.

“I thought
you
told A.J.,” Alexia said to Ryan.

“
Nobody
told me!” I yelled at them. “And now if I do one more bad thing, I'm going to get suspended.”

“What does being suspended mean anyway?” asked Alexia.

“It means you get kicked out of school,” I told her.

“Kicked out of school?” she said. “So you won't have to go to school anymore?”

“That's right.”

“Hey, that means you get to stay home and watch TV,” Ryan told me.

“It sounds pretty good to me,” said Michael.

“Yeah,” said Neil. “I wish I could get suspended. You're lucky, A.J.”

“That can't be right,” said Alexia. “Are you
sure
that being suspended means you get to stay home and watch TV?”

That's when Emily and Little Miss I-Know-Everything walked by.

“Hey Andrea,” shouted Ryan. “You know everything. What does being suspended mean?”

“I'll look it up!” Andrea said cheerfully.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little dictionary. I guess she carries it with her wherever she goes so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.

Andrea leafed through her dictionary for a minute until she found the right page.

“Ah, here it is,” she said. “‘Suspend. To hang.' Suspend means ‘to hang.'”

“So if A.J. does one more bad thing,” Neil said, “Mr. Klutz is going to
hang
him!”

“WHAT?!” I yelled. “I don't
want
to be hanged!”

“Sorry, dude,” said Alexia. “It's in the dictionary, so it must be true.”

“I wonder if the past tense of ‘hang' is ‘hanged' or ‘hung'?” said Andrea.

“Who cares!?” I yelled.

“Yeah, either way, it's gotta hurt,” said Neil.

“I wonder if Mr. Klutz is going to hang you by your feet or by your neck, A.J.,” said Michael.

“If you get hung by your neck, your head might fall off,” said Ryan.

“Yeah, but if you get hung by your feet, all the blood rushes to your head and it explodes,” said Neil the nude kid.

“It's been nice knowing you, A.J.,” said Ryan.

This was turning out to be the worst day since TV Turnoff Week.

When we got back to class after recess, there was a long wooden box in the front of the room. It looked like the kind of box that they use to bury people in.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!” Miss Kraft announced. “Are you ready to witness my most amazing trick ever?”

“Yeah!” everybody shouted.

“No,” I said.

“What's the matter, A.J.?” asked Miss Kraft. “I thought you liked magic tricks.”

“If Mr. Klutz catches me doing one more bad thing, he's going to hang me,” I told her. “So I don't want to be involved in any more tricks.”

“Don't worry about Mr. Klutz,” Miss Kraft told me. “I know how to take care of him.”

“So what's your most amazing trick ever, Miss Kraft?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“I'm going to saw one of you in half!” she announced.

“Cool!” we all shouted. Sawing people in half is just about the coolest thing in the history of the world.

“Where did you get that big box?” asked Ryan.

“At a big-box store,” said Miss Kraft. “Okay, which one of you wants to get sawed in half?”

“Me! Me! Me!” we all shouted.

“Not me,” said Little Miss Perfect. “I don't like violence.”

“What do you have against violins?” I asked her.

“Not violins, Arlo,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “Violence!”

I knew that violins and violence were two different things. I was just yanking Andrea's chain.

“Okay,” said Miss Kraft as she opened the lid of the big box, “the student who gets to be sawed in half will be … ANDREA!”

“Yay!” shouted everybody except for Andrea.

“Please come up to the front of the room, Andrea, and climb into the big box.”

Andrea looked really mad. She was the only one who didn't want to get sawed in half, and now she was going to be sawed in half. Ha! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her.