Miss Kraft Is Daft! (4 page)

“Learning is a
good
thing, you know,” Andrea said. “When you learn new things, it makes you a better person.”

“Can you possibly be more boring?” asked Alexia.

Andrea and Alexia started sticking their tongues out at each other, which is what you do when somebody says something mean to you.

Little Miss Perfect was getting on my nerves. I tried to think of something I could do that would annoy her. So I picked up two straws and put them in my nostrils.

“Look, I'm a walrus!” I announced. Everybody laughed, except for Andrea, of course.

“That's disgusting, Arlo,” she said.

“So is your face,” I told her.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

I was going to put two more straws into my ears, but you'll never believe in a million hundred years who came over to our table at that moment.

It was Mr. Klutz! He looked a little happier than before. But just to be on the safe side, I pulled the straws out of my nostrils and threw them under the table.
*

“Hi everybody!” said Mr. Klutz. “I just wanted to see how you were making out with Miss Kraft.”

“Ewwwwww, gross!” I said. “We weren't making out with Miss Kraft!”

“Isn't she a great teacher?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Miss Kraft is
wonderful
!” said Andrea. “She makes learning fun.”

Mr. Klutz liked hearing that, and he went to ask the kids at the other tables how much they liked making out with Miss Kraft.

“I was just thinking,” I told everybody after he left, “maybe Miss Kraft isn't a real substitute teacher at all.”

“What do you mean?” asked Alexia.

“Well,” I said, “maybe she's just a clown who ran away from the circus.”

“People don't run away from the circus,” Ryan told me. “They run away from home to
join
the circus.”

“Well, what about this,” I suggested. “Maybe Miss Kraft murdered our
real
substitute teacher at the circus and came to our school so nobody would know what happened.”

“Then she would get away with murder!” Neil said.

“I saw that in a movie once,” said Michael. “A guy murdered somebody, and then he pretended to be the guy he murdered so nobody would know the guy was missing.”

“That's ridiculous!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “You're just trying to scare Emily.”

“I'm scared!” said Emily.

“A.J. may be right,” said Alexia. “I don't think Miss Kraft is a real substitute teacher.”

“What if she didn't murder our real sub,” I suggested. “What if she
kidnapped
our real substitute teacher and has her locked up at the circus, in a cage with a lion? Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

“Yeah,” said Michael, “and the lion is probably pacing back and forth right now, wondering why a substitute teacher is in its cage.”

“I bet that lion is hungry,” said Ryan.

“We've got to
do
something!” shouted Emily, and then she went running out of the vomitorium.

Sheesh! That girl will fall for
anything
.

After Emily left, Alexia told us that at her old school the kids used to play tricks on the substitute teachers.

“What kind of tricks?” I asked, instantly interested.

“Like, we would all drop our books on the floor at the same time,” she said. “The substitute teacher would be talking, and then suddenly, there was a loud
boom
. It was hilarious.”

“We should do that!” said Ryan.

“Yeah,” said Michael. “That would be cool!”

“I'm not going to do that,” said Andrea. “You heard what Mr. Klutz said about behavior. You're going to get in trouble. You might get suspended.”

“Not if we
all
do it,” said Alexia. “They can't punish
all
of us.”

Everybody except for Andrea agreed that dropping our books at the same time was a great idea and that Alexia should get the No Bell Prize. That's a prize they give out to people who don't have bells.

“Let's all drop our books on the floor at exactly one o'clock,” Alexia said.

It was going to be hilarious. I couldn't wait for one o'clock to come.

When we got back to class after lunch, Miss Kraft was wearing a top hat and a black cape. That was weird.

I looked at the clock. It was twelve thirty—just a half an hour until the Big Book Drop.

“Did you have a nice lunch, Miss Kraft?” asked Andrea, the big brownnoser.

“Who's Miss Kraft?” asked Miss Kraft. “I'm The Great Kraftini! Watch
this
!”

She snapped her fingers. There was a big puff of smoke, and the empty desk in front of the room disappeared.

“Cool!” we all yelled.

“How did you do that?” asked Alexia.

“Oh, a magician never reveals her secrets,” said Miss Kraft.

“Can you make Andrea disappear?” I asked.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“That's mean, Arlo!” said Andrea.

“Kids learn fast when you combine teaching with magic,” Miss Kraft told us. “Here, I'll show you. Grab this rope, A.J., and tie me up.”

“Tie you up?” I asked. “Are you
sure
?”

“Sure I'm sure,” said Miss Kraft. “Go ahead. Make it really tight.”

I wrapped the thick rope around and around Miss Kraft until she was completely wrapped up from head to toe. Then I tied the ends together tightly. There was no way she could escape.

“Excuse me,” said Andrea. “What could we possibly learn from
this
?”

“A lot!” said Miss Kraft. “While I try to escape from the ropes, I want you kids to write down the fifty American states in ABC order. If I can't escape in five minutes or you don't have the states in order, a five-hundred-pound weight will fall on my head.”

We all looked up at the ceiling. There was a big weight hanging over Miss Kraft's head!
*

Miss Kraft is daft!

“That's crazy!” yelled Neil the nude kid.

“Please don't do this, Miss Kraft,” begged Emily. “It's very dangerous.”

“I must do it,” said Miss Kraft. “It's the only way you will learn. Hurry! The clock is ticking!”

“Alabama!” Ryan shouted. “The first state is Alabama! Somebody write it down!”

Emily grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil. Everybody started yelling out states.

“Alaska!” yelled Andrea. “It's Alabama, Alaska … Arizona … Arkansas… . What's next?”

“Wyoming!” I yelled.

“No, dumbhead,” said Andrea. “Wyoming comes
last
.”

“I knew that,” I lied.

“California!” shouted Michael. “The next state is California! And then comes Colorado and Connecticut!”

Emily wrote the states down as fast as she could. Miss Kraft struggled to free herself from the ropes, but I had wrapped them pretty tightly.

“Four minutes left!” shouted Alexia.

We racked our brains to put the states in ABC order: Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho. This was hard to do!

“Hurry!” Emily shouted. “Three minutes left!”

Everybody was freaking out. We got Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, and Kansas. Miss Kraft couldn't get free from the ropes. She was grunting and sweating.

“Kentucky!” Andrea shouted. “Then comes Louisiana!”

“Two minutes left!” shouted Neil.

We got all the
M
states: Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, and Montana.

“One minute left!” Ryan shouted. “Hurry!”

“Nebraska and Nevada!” shouted Alexia.

“And then all those “New” states!” shouted Neil. “New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, and New York!”

We were running out of time, and there were still a lot of states left. In a few seconds the five-hundred-pound weight was going to drop on Miss Kraft's head!

“North Carolina!” Andrea shouted. “North Dakota! Ohio! Oklahoma!”

“Five seconds left!” shouted Ryan.

“There's no more time!” shouted Andrea.

“Oh
nooooooooooooooo
!”

I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the five-hundred-pound weight fall on Miss Kraft's head.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. You'll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

Nobody! It would hurt if you walked into a door.

But you'll never believe who walked into the
doorway
. It was Mr. Klutz!

“What's going on in here?!” he hollered. “Why is Miss Kraft tied up with rope? Who did this to her?!”

Everybody looked at me.

“A.J.!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “Why would you tie up your teacher with ropes? Is that any way to show respect to a substitute? What did I tell you about behavior?”