Miss Klute Is a Hoot! (6 page)

“We'll find Miss Klute,” Mr. Macky told her, “if it's the
last
thing we do.”

But after an hour or so of searching all over the woods, we still hadn't found
Miss Klute. It was hopeless.

“Well, I guess Miss Klute isn't coming back,” said Principal Klutz. “Let's go inside, everyone.”

Some of the kids were crying. I saw some other kids whispering and pointing at me. They knew it was my fault.

This was the worst thing to happen to me since TV Turnoff Week. Miss Klute had run away. And now I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Bummer in the summer!

As we filed back inside the school, everyone looked depressed.

“I can't believe this happened on my birthday,” said Emily. “Why do bad things always happen to
me
?”

Soon it would be three o'clock, when we go home for the day. Mr. Klutz announced that classes were canceled for the rest of the afternoon. He told us to go to the all-purpose room so we could talk about our feelings and stuff.

At first nobody said anything. But then kids started to say what was on their mind.

“Before Miss Klute came to our school, I didn't like to read,” said Neil the nude kid. “Now reading is my favorite thing to do in the world.”

“Me too,” said a bunch of kids.

“She was so nice,” said Alexia. “She never snarled or bit or hurt anybody.”

“She was my best friend,” said Ryan.

Everybody was sobbing. Even some of the teachers were pulling out handkerchiefs and wiping their eyes with them.

“Miss Klute was the best therapy dog I ever met,” said Mr. Macky.

“I'm sorry,” I told everybody. “This was all my fault.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself, A.J.,” said Mr. Macky. “It could have happened to anybody.”

After that nobody said anything for a million hundred seconds. There was just the sound of sobbing and sniffling.

“I miss Miss Klute,” Andrea finally said.

“I miss miss Miss Klute,” said Alexia.

“I miss miss miss Miss Klute,” said Michael.

It went on like that for a while. That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Miss Klute came running into the all-purpose room, all happy and everything. You're thinking that we all started cheering and hugging her. You're thinking that everybody lived happily ever after.

Well, that's not what happened. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

This is what
really
happened. . . .

Somebody down the hallway let out a scream!

EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!

It was a lady's scream.

“That came from the teachers' lounge!” Ryan yelled.

We all ran out of the all-purpose room and down the hall to the teachers'
lounge.

The school secretary, Miss Patty, was standing in front of the door.

“Miss Klute is DEAD!” she shouted.

Okay, Miss Klute wasn't
really
dead. So stop freaking out. And don't bother writing angry letters and emails to the publisher of this book.

She wasn't dead, but she
was
pretty sick. Miss Klute was lying in the middle of the teachers' lounge, hardly moving. Worse than that, she had thrown up all over the floor. Ugh, gross! And we saw it live and in person. I thought I was gonna die.

Our school nurse, Mrs. Cooney, came running in.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Miss Klute must have come back to school while we were out looking for her in the woods,” Andrea told her.

Mrs. Cooney got down on her knees and listened to Miss Klute's heartbeat. Then she picked a little piece of paper off the floor.

“Aha! Here's the problem!” she said. “It's a cupcake wrapper. Where did Miss Klute get chocolate cupcakes?”

We all looked at Emily.

“I killed Miss Klute!” Emily shouted. And then she started crying and went
running out of the room. “This is the worst birthday I ever had!”

What a crybaby.

“Is Miss Klute going to be okay?” Andrea asked Mrs. Cooney.

“I think so,” she replied. “But she might have to go to the animal hospital for a few days to recover. They'll make sure she doesn't eat any more chocolate.”

I thought
everybody
knew dogs can't eat chocolate. That's the first rule of being a dog.

Our school custodian, Miss Lazar, came into the teachers' lounge. She looked at the floor.

“Have no fear!” said Miss Lazar. “This looks like a job for Super Custodian!”

“Miss Klute got sick,” said Mrs. Cooney. “It's quite a mess, I'm afraid.”

“The messier the better,” said Miss Lazar. “I love messes! If there weren't any messes, I wouldn't have a job.”

Miss Lazar is bizarre.
*

“Stand aside,” said Miss Lazar. “Super Custodian is here to save the day! Any time finger paint is spilled, or the toilets become clogged, or somebody throws up, I am at your service to—”

“Can you just clean up the mess, please?” asked Mrs. Cooney.

“You can count on me!” Miss Lazar replied.

She put on these big, yellow plastic gloves and started cleaning up the mess. It was gross. Mrs. Cooney told us to go back to our classroom.

That's when I realized something. I looked around the teachers' lounge. Where was the hot tub? Where were the video games? There was no minibar filled with candy or an all-you-can-eat buffet. There were no servants on roller skates giving out foot massages and back rubs. And there wasn't a single hundred-dollar bill on the floor!

That's when I decided that I didn't want to be a teacher after all. I had thought
the teachers' lounge was this really cool place where the teachers can hang out all day and do cool stuff. But it's just a boring old room with tables, chairs, and a coffee machine. It's no fun at all. Plus, you never know when a dog might come in and throw up all over the place.

A week later we came into our classroom, and you'll never believe in a million hundred years who was sitting on the floor chewing on a chew toy.

It was Miss Klute!