Miss Klute Is a Hoot! (4 page)

“It's my turn to read,” I said, taking the book from Emily.

I flipped to the next page and started to read. Well, I
pretended
to read anyway. . . .

“After that,” I said, “the fuzzy little bunny went to the skate shop and bought a rocket-powered antigravity skateboard, with dual torpedoes on each side. It was
awesome
. The fuzzy little bunny had always dreamed about jumping a skateboard over the Grand Canyon.”

“That's not what it says, Arlo!” said Andrea. “You made all that up.”

“So what?” I said. “Miss Klute won't know the difference. She's a dog. Maybe she'll like the story better this way.”

I passed the book over to Ryan, and he began to “read.”

“So the fuzzy little bunny got on her rocket skateboard and started to jump over the Grand Canyon,” Ryan read. “But little did she know that on the other side of the Grand Canyon a fuzzy little
kitten
was taking off on a rocket skateboard at the very same time!”

Hey, this story was getting cool! I looked over at Miss Klute. She was just sitting there listening, like always.

Ryan passed the book over to Michael, and he began to “read.”

“So the fuzzy little bunny and the fuzzy little kitten realized they were going to crash into each other over the Grand Canyon!” Michael read. “So they both turned on their laser beams and started shooting at each other!
Bam bam bam bam!
”

Wow! I couldn't wait to find out what happened next! This was the most exciting story in the history of the world!

Andrea rolled her eyes. Miss Klute just sat there, listening.

Michael passed the book over to Alexia, and she began to “read.”

“And then the fuzzy little bunny caught on fire! She was falling into the Grand
Canyon! It looked like it was all over for her. Unless . . .”

“Unless
what
?” I asked Alexia. “Did the fuzzy little kitten rescue the fuzzy little bunny?”

Miss Klute just sat there. She didn't seem to care a bit what happened to the fuzzy little bunny.

Alexia passed the book over to Neil the nude kid, and he began to “read.”

“And then aliens came from outer space!” read Neil. “They had four eyeballs, six noses, and laser cannons instead of arms.”

“Laser cannons are
cool
!” I shouted.

Miss Klute just sat there. If aliens shooting laser cannons doesn't get you excited, I guess
nothing
gets you excited.

“What happened next?” we all begged Neil.

“Yeah, what happened next?” asked Alexia.

Neil didn't seem to know what happened next. He thought about it for a minute.

“And then the earth exploded and everybody died,” he finally said. “The end.”

Neil closed
The Fuzzy Little Bunny.
Miss Klute just sat there.

“You can't say the earth exploded and everybody died,” Andrea shouted. “It's a book for
children
!”
*

“So what?” I shouted back at Andrea. “You can say whatever you want!”

“Can not!” she shouted back.

We could have gone on like that for a while, but Mr. Granite and Mr. Macky came back to class.

“So how are you kids making out with
The Fuzzy Little Bunny
?” Mr. Granite asked us.

“Ewwww! Gross!” everybody shouted. “We're not making out with the fuzzy little bunny!”

“Did you like the story?” asked Mr. Macky.

“Oh, yeah!” we all shouted.

“
The Fuzzy Little Bunny
is
awesome
!” said Alexia.

“What was your favorite part?” asked Mr. Macky.

Everybody raised their hands except for me, of course. So naturally, Mr. Macky called on me.

“I liked the part where they turned on their laser beams and started shooting at each other,” I said.

“Yeah, that was cool,” agreed Ryan.

“Hmm,” said Mr. Macky, opening
The Fuzzy Little Bunny
and leafing through the pages. “I don't seem to remember
that
part.”

Every day, Miss Klute has to do “lunch duty.” That means she walks around the vomitorium looking for scraps that fell on the floor so she can eat them. Miss Klute is like a vacuum cleaner for food! She'll even eat stuff that Ryan won't eat. Sometimes kids drop their lunch on purpose just to watch Miss Klute run over and scoop it up.

“Where do you think Mr. Macky got a therapy dog?” asked Michael.

“From Rent-A-Therapy Dog,” I told him. “You can rent anything.”

On Emily's birthday it was Hot Dog Day in the vomitorium. Me and the gang were eating lunch and minding our own business when Little Miss Perfect and the crybaby birthday girl sat down at our table with their trays. Emily went to get a mustard packet, and in that second or two the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

Miss Klute grabbed the hot dog right off her plate!

“Hey, where did my hot dog go?” Emily said when she got back to the table.

Then we saw Miss Klute walking in the other direction with a hot dog sticking out of her mouth. It was hilarious.

“Miss Klute stole my hot dog!” Emily shouted. “And it's my birthday! We've got to
do
something!”

Then she started crying and ran out of the vomitorium.

Sheesh, get a grip! What a crybaby.

After we all stopped laughing, I noticed that Andrea had on her worried face.

“Don't worry,” I told her. “Emily will get another hot dog.”

“That's not what I'm worried about,” Andrea said. “I'm concerned about Miss Klute.”

“What about her?” asked Michael.

“Whenever we have reading time, she just lies there.”

“So what?” said Alexia. “Maybe she's tired.”

“Why should she be tired?” asked Ryan. “All she does is eat and listen to kids read all day.”

“She seems so sad,” said Andrea. “She's got such a hangdog look on her face.”

“She's a
dog
,” I said. “She's
supposed
to have a hangdog look on her face.”

“My mother is a psychologist,” Andrea said. “She told me that Miss Klute has all the classic signs of depression.”

“What?!” Neil said. “Dogs don't get depressed.”

“How do
you
know?” Andrea replied. “Maybe dogs are just like people, but with paws and fur.”

“Are you saying that our therapy dog needs therapy?” asked Alexia.

“She might,” Andrea replied. “I think we should try to cheer her up.”

Maybe Andrea was right. Miss Klute did look kind of sad most of the time.

After lunch we decided to skip recess and go to Mr. Macky's office instead. Miss Klute was sitting on the floor in there, looking sad as usual.

“What can I do for you kids?” Mr. Macky asked us.

“Can we be alone with Miss Klute for a few minutes?” asked Andrea.

“How come?” asked Mr. Macky.

“We have to tell her something,” I explained. “It's personal. Please? Please? Please?”

“Uh, okay, I guess,” Mr. Macky said. “I'll be in the teachers' lounge.”

“Okay, what are we gonna do to cheer Miss Klute up?” Ryan asked after Mr. Macky left.

“We could tell her jokes,” suggested Alexia. “You know lots of them, A.J. Go ahead, tell her one.”

“Okay,” I said, getting down on the floor next to Miss Klute's ear. “Do you know why the skeleton didn't go to the school dance?”

“Why?” everybody asked.

“He had no body to go with,” I said.

We all looked at Miss Klute. She just sat there, looking sad.

“Try another joke, A.J.,” said Neil.

“Okay,” I said. “Do you know which football team travels with the most luggage? The Green Bay Packers! Get it? Luggage? Packers?”

Miss Klute just sat there, looking sad.

“She really
is
depressed,” I said. “Those are my best jokes.”

“Do you know any
dog
jokes?” Andrea asked. “Maybe she needs jokes she can relate to.”

“Okay,” I said. “How are dogs and marine biologists alike?”

“How?” everybody asked.

“One wags her tail, and the other tags her whale.”

Miss Klute just sat there, looking sad.

“What kind of dog does Dracula have?” I said.

“What kind?” everybody asked.

“A bloodhound.”

Miss Klute just sat there, looking sad.

“What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?” I said.

“What?” everybody asked.

“A cockerpoodledoo!”

Miss Klute just sat there, looking sad.

“Those jokes are
horrible
, Arlo,” Andrea said. “I think you made her even more depressed than she was before.”

“Well, if you're so smart, let's see
you
try to cheer her up,” I told Andrea.

“Maybe she would like it if I danced for her,” suggested Andrea. “I just started taking Irish step-dancing classes after school.”

Andrea takes classes in
everything
after school. If they gave a class in nose picking, she would probably take that class so she would get better at it.

We all rolled our eyes as Andrea danced around Mr. Macky's office. It was weird. And it didn't seem to have any effect on Miss Klute. She just sat there staring at Andrea.

“See? You can't cheer her up either,” I said.

“Maybe she doesn't
want
to be a therapy dog,” said Alexia. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe she wants to be a Seeing Eye dog.”

“Or a firehouse dog,” said Neil. “That would be cool.”

“Maybe she wishes she was a cat,” I said.

“Poor Miss Klute,” Ryan said, wrapping his arms around her. “She's cooped up in here all day long. Dogs don't need to know how to read, write, or do math. They don't want to go to school.”

“Maybe she just wants to go outside,” I suggested.

“That's it!” said Andrea, snapping her fingers. “You're a genius!”