Mindset (3 page)

“Sure, you try to fight back initially.  You call the cops, you talk to a lawyer, you try to leave.  But it’s all just bullshit.  Nobody helps you.  Charges are dropped, lawyers and judges are bought off or convinced that you’re lying.  Money talks, you know?  I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t scared, Callie.  I’m scared all the time, and I’m tired of it.  I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

“Eva, I never knew.  I’m so sorry.  You should’ve told me; I would’ve helped you, sweetie.”

“I had already distanced myself from you when it started getting bad, or rather James distanced me from you.  By the time I realized I was in trouble, he made sure I couldn’t reach anyone from my past.  The only reason he let me see you later on was because Richard wanted to get to know you better after the wedding.  I’m sure he couldn’t believe it when you wouldn’t go out with him initially.  The Wesley’s tend to believe they’re entitled to whatever they want.  What made you change your mind over two years later and agree to go out with him anyway?”

“It‘s a long story.  I was depressed, I guess.  I’d had an argument with someone I really cared about, and I was upset, and I was at kind of a crossroads, I guess.  I was dissatisfied with the whole modeling thing, but I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do next.  Then I ran into Richard, he asked me out, and I thought, what the hell?  He was a boost to my ego when I needed one, I guess.  I was in a low place in my life, and I thought he could make everything better.”

“I know it was a bad choice for you, Callie, but selfishly, it afforded me the chance to renew our friendship, and I’ll always be grateful for that.  Seeing you, being around you again these last couple of months has helped me to remember the person I used to be and hope to find again.  Hearing that Texas twang of yours was like a shot in the arm.  I’m never going back there, Callie.  I don’t care what he does to me.  I’m never going back.  I wish I was brave like you.  You never did back down when he was hitting you.  I’m such a coward.  I just stayed.  I gave up, and I stayed, and I just put up with it.  No more.  I’d rather die than go back to him.”

“I don’t know how brave I was, Eva.  I was probably more stupid than anything else.  No, I take that back.  I’d have to say I was more furious than anything else.  Yep, that about covers it.  I was so pissed off, all I could see was red.  I didn’t even realize at the time that it was my own blood I was seeing!  Of course, that was after I got over the shock that he’d actually had the nerve to hit me.  In my world, boys don’t hit girls.  Man, just wait till my brothers hear about this.  And my granddad.  It’s a good thing those jerks live in New York.  Maybe, just maybe, they’ll escape with their lives.”

“I remember your grandfather.  He came for the fall show the first year we met, our first big break.  I remember he was really tall and tan and handsome.  He was really quiet, too, if I remember right.”

“That was less than a year after my grandmother died.  He never has stopped loving her or missing her.  I didn’t think he would make it to that show, but he said he wouldn’t have missed it for the world, wanted to see me make the big time.  Plus, he also wanted to make sure I stayed in school and got my education.  He made me promise I would.”

“And you sure did, didn’t you?”

“I always keep my promises.  I have a degree in Business Administration that I’ve never used.  Who knows if I ever will?  But it was worth it when I walked across that stage to the whistles of all the men in my life.  Jake, Josh, Cade, and Granddad all made it up for the graduation ceremony.  Jake had already finished getting his degree in architecture by then, and Josh was headed for law school.  Even Cade came, and he was still in school, though he was his usual quiet self when the whistling was over.  He never came to one of my fashion shows, but he made it to my graduation.  He didn’t stick around afterwards for very long, but he gave me a hug and some gorgeous yellow roses before he left.  I’ll never forget it.”

“Okay, I remember meeting your grandfather, and you were always talking about your brothers, Jake and Josh, but I don’t remember you talking much about Cade.   Which brother is he?”

“Cade’s not technically my brother, although he’s been part of the family since I was about twelve or so.  He was eighteen when my Granddad hired him to do odd jobs around the ranch.  He’d had it pretty rough, I think.  His mother was an alcoholic, had a lot of boyfriends and all.  When he was around ten or twelve, one of them shot and killed her, and he was put into foster care.  I’ve never heard him mention his father. 

In any case, school had just let out, and my brothers and I were at the ranch to spend part of the summer like we usually did while my parents took a nice long vacation.  By then, my mom had stopped modeling, and traveled with my dad when he went out of town for business in the corporate world.  We looked forward to it every year.  We got away from the city and helped take care of the animals and got to ride horses and go camping.  We loved it.  Cade showed up one day and told Granddad he’d just finished high school and was looking for a job.  Granddad hired him on the spot.  When he found out he’d been exited from the foster care system and didn’t have a place to stay, he asked him to move into what used to be the bunk house.  Cade didn’t want to at first, but Granddad said he’d been wanting to fix it up for awhile but hadn’t had the time to work on it.  He struck a deal with Cade and said he wouldn’t charge him any rent, if he did the work on it, and Cade agreed.” 

“He was close to my brothers’ ages, but he was streetwise where my brothers were more sheltered like I was.  He was so quiet, but he seemed kind of angry.  I was such a pest.  I would want to tag along with him while he did whatever work he had to do for the day, and he’d tell me to get lost.  My feelings would get hurt, and I’d run off, but I’d always come back the next day, only to get shooed away again.  He was my first real crush.  He was over six feet tall with all that black wavy hair of his.  He had these gorgeous deep blue eyes, and man could he wear jeans.   I never gave up trying to get him to notice me, but he was definitely not impressed, much less interested in a skinny, gangly girl so much younger than he was.  I even told him about a secret place that my dad and I found when we’d been riding, just the two of us, the year before.   We came across this little watering hole, complete with its own mini waterfall, towards the back of a canyon.  It had prickly pear cactus blooming around it, and desert wildflowers, and it was so pretty.  I offered to take him there, but he said he was too busy.” 

“About six weeks went by, and we were getting ready to head back home to Dallas when we got the call telling us about the car accident that killed my parents.  None of us could believe it at first.  But then my grandmother and my brothers started crying.   I just started yelling at everyone, telling them it was a mistake, that my parents were not dead.  I ran outside and climbed up on one of the horses and rode off into the desert.  After a couple of hours, everyone started to get worried when I didn’t come back home.  They started looking for me everywhere they could think of that I might go, but nobody could find me.”

The sun was starting to go down when Cade finally found that canyon I told him about.  I was just sitting there, not quite ready to face the reality of being an orphan.  Cade got off his horse and just came over and sat there with me, not saying anything.  After awhile, I asked him if the sheriff had called back to tell us he’d made a mistake.  He said no, that he’d come by the ranch after I took off to fill in the blanks on how it had all happened.  Drunk driver he said.  I took a deep breath a few minutes later and asked him if he thought it was true.  He told me he thought it probably was, since the guy that came to the ranch to talk to my grandparents was the same guy who’d come to his school years ago to tell him his mother had died.  I knew then that it was true. 

I started crying, and he just kept patting me on the back, clearly uncomfortable in the role he found himself in.  When I finally ran out of tears, it was almost dark.  He stood up and held his hand out for me to take.  I didn’t really want to go back, but he said everyone would be worried by now, and besides, they needed me there, because I was so strong and fearless.  That made me feel a little bit better, knowing he thought that about me. “

“A few days later, they held a funeral.  My parents’ will stated that Granddad and Gram were our legal guardians, so things kind of flip-flopped, and we moved to El Paso full time and spent summers with my dad’s relatives in New York.  It was while we were visiting them one summer that I got my first break in modeling from the same agency my mother had worked for.  I just knew it was a sign or something, and I wanted to see how far I could go with it, but my grandparents were afraid I’d lose my way.  I was determined, though, and we made a deal.  I could move to New York, if I promised to finish high school and go on to college.  Granddad said he knew I always kept my promises, and that’s how I got started.”

“I always admired you for getting a college degree, especially after you became so successful in the fashion industry.  I wish I’d been smart enough to do the same.”

“Smart, hard-headed, stubborn – it’s all pretty much the same, I guess.  The lines get blurred after awhile.  The bottom line was I’d made a promise, and I had to keep it.  That’s the way I was raised.  Plus, Granddad drilled a college education into all our heads from the time we could talk.  Besides, I knew I didn’t want to keep modeling forever.  I’d decided to quit even before Richard ever asked me to.  I’m twenty seven now, and that’s old for that line of work.  Besides, it’s just not my thing, at least not long term.  It was fun for awhile, but it always seemed kind of frivolous.  I mean, it sure doesn’t make the world a better place or help anyone.”

“And I’ve missed the desert.  It’s got a beauty all its own.  Nothing smells better than a desert rain.  And that’s where my family is, my home.  My brothers live close by, and my Granddad still owns the ranch. After my folks died, he turned it into a camp for kids named after them.  The Dubeck Ranch for Kids; it has a website and everything.  He’s getting older now, but he’s still going strong, and Cade is still there to help him, although now he’s got a degree in metallurgical engineering, and he’s using it to find mineral deposits that have really added to the value of the land.  Granddad evidently got a promise out of him, too.  He’s always valued and pushed education for all of us. 

“It’s been too long since I’ve been back.  I’ve put some money away, and I always thought that maybe I’d eventually open up my own business and put that college degree to work for me.”

“I so envy you.  I don’t have any idea what I’m going to do, Callie.  I don’t even know if I’ve got what it takes to be independent again.”

“Of course you have what it takes!  You survived a horrible, abusive marriage,  you made it in the fashion world, just like I did, and you’ll be great at whatever you decide to do with this next chapter in your life, too.  Maybe we can even go into business together doing…something!  I don’t know what yet, but we’ll figure it out together.”

“I’ve been afraid for so long and resigned to thinking I’d never be happy again.  For the first time in a long time, I actually feel hopeful, Callie.  I vaguely remember the girl I used to be before my marriage to that…that...”

Simultaneously, the two friends finished the sentence with, “asshole”. 

Chapter Two

“Okay, the ranch is just over that next hill.  How do I look?”

“Like someone beat the crap out of you.”

“Oh come on, the swelling is down, and you can hardly see the cut on my lip anymore.  Is it that obvious?”

“No, not much.   A lot of the rainbows of colorful bruises that cover most of your face have been hidden underneath all that heavy duty concealer you piled on.  The make-up helped quite a bit, but there’s no covering up that shiner, girlfriend.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake!  That’s why I’m wearing sunglasses, and they hide most of it, don’t you think?”

“Sure.  As long as you keep them on 24/7, you might be able to play it off.  What are you so worried about, anyway?  You know you’re going to be welcomed with open arms.”