Mind Gym (15 page)

Silence

Let’s say you’re searching the Internet or cooking or driving. You’re engrossed and, to be honest, you’re not really interested in whatever’s going on around you. So, you zone out and try to ignore any bids coming your way. No one wants the “silent treatment”; if someone is with you, that person may feel this is a snub. The trouble is that if this person keeps trying to interact with you, you’re just as likely to respond against (“Can’t you see I’m busy?”) as toward (“Sorry, I was completely away there; what did you say?”).

Dismissiveness

You ignore the substance of what the other person is saying and either focus on some incidental detail (“She had nice fingernails”), reframe the issue (“Yes, yes, but the real issue is . . .”), or minimize the importance of what’s being said (“Does it matter?”).

Changing Lanes

In the middle of a conversation, you change the subject, either by announcing a new and irrelevant piece of information (“It says here that penguins can do elementary algebra”; “I feel like going for a walk”) or with a deliberate non sequitur (Dad: “Did you finish your homework?” Son: “What are you cooking for supper?”).

In Gottman’s research, turning-away bids were more common than against bids, but the effects are frighteningly similar. For example, he found that during a conversation at dinner, stable couples engaged each other as many as a hundred times in ten minutes, whereas those headed for divorce engaged each other only sixty-five times. And when one of the partners was met with a turning-away response, those in stable marriages rebid 20 percent of the time, whereas those headed for divorce rarely even attempted to rebid. Instead, they disconnected from their partners. But even among those who rebid, 20 percent is a very low figure. It suggests that, even in a stable relationship, a turning-away bid has the effect of closing down communication between people.

Turning-away bids also increase conflict. If a bidder is repeatedly ignored, he or she is likely to become angry and critical of the respondent. As a result, the emotional temperature goes up and small incidents become big issues. A small dismissal today can lead to a relationship meltdown next year. From little acorns . . .

Stonewalling is a deliberate attempt to turn away. You might argue that you’re buying space and time from the demands of others by doing this, but stonewalling is not the best way to handle a situation. You’ll get a much better response if you accept the bid and then explain to the other person that you feel the need for space.

Here are three ways to help you avoid turning away:

Just like health is either attained or destroyed by one more salad as opposed to one more french fry, relationships are built and destroyed via small signals that add up over time. The trick, of course, is learning how to recognize the small gestures and change them. So, next time a friendship, a relationship with a coworker, or your marriage starts to feel shaky, don’t panic. Instead, identify how you are responding to the other person’s bids and increase your effort toward positive responses. With a little mindfulness and attention, you can change your patterns and get the relationship back on track, usually without the other person even noticing.

Learning the language of bids gives you a great tool to take control of your relationships. Here is a swift way to become fluent in the language of bidding:

Think of someone you see quite often and with whom you want to improve your relationship, then follow the next steps over the course of a month:

Day One

Write down how you feel about this person and describe your relationship with them.

Day Two

Think about the number of positive and negative bids you make to this person. Give yourself a score from one to ten for how well you think you balance positive and negative bids. A ten would be the top score, and it would mean a balance that matches Gottman’s ratio of five positive bids to one negative bid, or better. Scoring a one means that your relationship is full of turning-away and against bids.

Day Three

Think about what you need to do to move two points closer to that top score of ten. It will probably involve halving the number of turning-away or against bids.

From Day Four On

Keep cutting the total number of turning-away and against bids in half until you reach a ratio of five positive to one negative. Maintain this ratio for the remaining days of this month.

One Month Later

Write down your feelings about this other person and about your relationship. Only after you have done this, compare today’s views with what you wrote a month ago, and repeat the steps until you feel you’ve got the right balance of bids.

H
e’s such a handsome boy. He takes after his father. He’s big and strong—a natural sportsman. He’ll have to fight the girls off, you know.” This gushing mother’s description of her son isn’t exactly wrong. It’s just a little bit different from how other people might see him: a scrawny, odd-looking kid whose only sporting skill is the speed with which he changes channels when a football game is on TV.

The writer Anaïs Nin once observed, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” When it comes to people, this couldn’t be more accurate. Two people might perceive the same person totally differently. This is partly because we typically change our behavior depending on the company we keep. For example, even if you usually use colorful language, you probably wouldn’t swear or talk about sex in front of your parents. Or you may act differently around your boss than you do around your coworkers. We all do this, and it’s normal.

But it’s critical to understand that the different impressions people have of us are due to both how we adapt our behavior to different circumstances and how other people see the world and us. Imagine two colleagues walking out of a meeting in which their new boss made some staffing decisions on the fly for a new project. One of the colleagues might be thinking,
What a relief to have a leader who makes decisions on the team
, while the other might be thinking,
We’re going to have to be careful with a leader who is so impulsive
.

The fact that people see the world from different perspectives probably isn’t news to you. But what you might find interesting is that the way someone interprets
your
behavior probably tells you more about him or her than it does about yourself. And you might be even more interested to know that when you understand how the people around you see the world, you can adapt your behavior to get the best from them and help them get the best from you.

So, what’s the driving force behind how people see the world? Their motivations.

When we go to the supermarket, we have our own individual ways of shopping. Some people like to do their grocery shopping as quickly as possible. They consider it a successful shopping experience when they found the items they needed in as little time as possible.

Other people carefully plan their grocery shopping: they make lists, they visit each aisle of the supermarket in a specific order, and they organize their coupons by product category to ensure they don’t miss any deals. For these people, a successful shopping experience means they found the items and brands they wanted at the right price, even if shopping took a little bit longer.

Another group of people see the supermarket as a treasure trove to be explored. They show up without a list and meander up and down the aisles, checking out new products and choosing items on impulse. For these folks, a successful shopping trip is not so much about whether they found the right things to buy but whether they discovered something new and exciting.

If these various shoppers went to the store together, there would more than likely be some conflict. The first shopper would be halfway around the supermarket before the second shopper even finished making their list, while the third shopper would be chatting with the clerk passing out samples of cheese.

We do many of the same things but we choose to do them in very different ways, depending on what is most important to us. In the supermarket scenario, the first shopper’s motive is speed, the second shopper’s motive is accuracy, and the third’s motive is discovery. While behavior can easily change depending on a situation, our motivations are much more constant. People tend to have an idea of what matters most to them, and unless something major happens in their lives, they stick to that point of view. So, if you understand what motivates other people, you can adapt your behavior to fit with their personal priorities.

How do you find out what motivates someone else? Although science may never come up with a definitive conclusion on how to analyze people’s motivations, you can get close enough by analyzing four basic motivational styles—recognizing that even though we all show stronger areas of motivation, no one is motivated by just one thing. Now let’s introduce the four different motivational styles.

A carer likes nothing better than everyone getting along. If there is any conflict, their instinct is to help solve it. A carer’s foremost desire is for harmony with whatever group of people they are in, be it their family, their team at work, or a group of friends. They see themselves as “people” people. They are naturally social and friendly, and they make a real effort to get to know someone. They are also often very effective networkers. Strong relationships are of paramount importance to carers. As a result, they are quick to express how they feel (with the hope others will reciprocate). They are loyal, and they will typically surrender in a disagreement for the sake of harmony. Carers also like to involve other people in making decisions, though while still wanting to be involved themselves. They have a strong desire to nurture other people, looking after them in times of trouble and being eager to explain or teach to help them flourish. They also want to be liked and appreciated themselves—a few words of praise go a long way.

Here are some classic signs of a carer:

In many ways, drivers couldn’t be more different from carers. Adventurous and easily bored, drivers are constantly pushing forward. If carers are motivated by being liked, then drivers aim for respect. They are motivated by challenge, excitement, and getting things done. They want to get to the point fast and, ideally, first. And then they’re on to the next thing, and then the next. They like to have demanding goals with clear outcomes and, preferably, a competitive element. If a situation doesn’t have direction, a driver can become frustrated, but given a suitable challenge and left to their own devices, they will make things happen and quickly. They consider it generally better to make a decision, even if it turns out to be the wrong one, than to put things off. They are more likely to initiate something than complete it—they like to get the ball rolling but will avoid organizing and implementing if they can.

Here are some classic signs of a driver: