Mind Gym (14 page)
Authors: Sebastian Bailey
A bid is something that invites a response. Often we are not actively aware of the micro signals we send, and even less aware of the effect these signals have in our interactions with others, until it is too late. By then, the relationship—with our spouse, boss, friend, coworker—is unraveling.
The impact of Gottman’s work was enormous. Based on his insights, a whole new approach to marriage counseling was developed. His findings about how we respond to bids apply to more than just spousal relationships, though, and provide the psychology behind the advice in this chapter.
The good news is that bids are very easy to spot and pretty easy to change. So, if you know where to look and are willing to make a little effort, you’ll never again need to go in search of the origin of a broken relationship.
Picture this scene: Your boss is sitting in front of her computer. She’s working. Or perhaps she’s pretending to work when in fact she’s updating her Facebook page or reading her emails—you know her better than we do, so you choose.
Now imagine yourself entering her office and asking her “Do you want a cup of coffee?” Your boss could choose to respond in one of three ways:
1. She could acknowledge your offer in a positive way: “That’s really nice of you. I’ll have cream and sugar.” Or “Thanks, but I’m okay right now.” In psychologists’ speak, this is called a “turning-toward response” or a “toward bid.”
2. She could acknowledge your offer in a negative way: “Your coffee is disgusting. I’ll get it myself.” Or “You want to get me a cup of coffee? What do you want in return?” This is called an “against bid.”
3. She could just stay silent or change the subject: “There’s this new film out about the life of the flamingo.” This is called a “turning-away bid.” By replying, she acknowledges that you’ve spoken, but she doesn’t engage with what you’ve said. In effect, she ignores your bid.
Whatever response she chooses determines what you do next. Consider this for a second. Only the first, the “toward bid,” is likely to encourage you to make another of your own bids. Faced with an “against bid” or a “turning-away bid,” you’re more likely to make an unconscious mental note not to bother offering her a cup of coffee next time.
Positive bids create a virtuous cycle. When you respond to someone with a toward bid, the person feels good about him- or herself. As a result, that person is more likely to make more positive bids, which, in turn, lead to more positive interactions (and more offers of coffee). The research shows that when you use plenty of toward bids, the effect on your closest relationships is enormous:
• You laugh more, feel greater affection, and are more likely to be interested in other people’s discussions.
2
• Siblings (in particular those of different genders) are more likely to have a close, supportive, and satisfying relationship with one another.
3
• Your children benefit. When parents are in a relationship full of positive bids, there is less conflict, and the children in these families are more attentive and likely to perform better in school.
4
• You’re less likely to get divorced. In other words, you’re more likely to stay with your partner.
5
• You get more sex. Okay, there’s no research to prove this yet, but given everything else, it makes sense. That alone makes this chapter worth reading, right?
Overall, the research is unequivocal: people who respond positively to others’ bids have healthier, happier, and much more successful relationships.
Let’s look at the research that says couples who make more bids toward each other, rather than against or turning away, are more likely to stay together. Gottman discovered that there is a magic ratio: Couples who manage a ratio of five positive (toward) responses to one negative (turning away or against) response are more likely to have a healthy, long-lasting partnership.
6
In 1992, Gottman teamed up with two mathematicians to test this model.
7
They recruited seven hundred couples who had just received their marriage certificates. The researchers then videotaped a fifteen-minute conversation between the husband and wife of each couple and counted the number of positive and negative bids. Then, based on the five-to-one ratio, they predicted whether each couple would stay together or divorce.
Ten years later, Gottman and his colleagues got in touch with each of the couples to determine the accuracy of their original predictions. The results were stunning. They had predicted divorce with 94 percent accuracy—based on scoring the couples’ interactions for just fifteen minutes.
8
The research also revealed a gender difference. The men who ended up divorced had generally turned away from their wives’ bids 82 percent of the time, whereas the men in ultimately stable relationships only ignored their wives’ bids 19 percent of the time. Women use turning-away responses slightly less often. The women who ended up divorced had ignored their husbands’ bids 50 percent of the time, as opposed to those in ultimately stable relationships, who had ignored their husbands’ bids 14 percent of the time.
The impact of bids is present in all relationships, not just in the most intimate ones. At work, the ratio of positive to negative bids will affect the quality of your relationship with your boss, your peers, and those you manage. The bid ratio is likely to reflect the difference between those customers or suppliers you look forward to seeing and those you don’t. If you’ve ever had a customer who didn’t seem to care, you know exactly the feeling of a turning-away bid.
It’s now time to turn your attention to making the best bids.
In improvised comedy there is only one rule: however outlandish the suggestion, the players never contradict one another. For example, one player might open with, “Maggie got up on Monday morning and went out to her car.” The next player could add to that with, “And she drove to the airport, where she caught a plane to Morocco” or “And on her car seat she found a briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills.” These are positive responses that build on the opening bid. The second player cannot instead say, “Actually, it was Sunday and Maggie didn’t own a car.” That’s a negative, or against, bid. It doesn’t develop the story. It also feels like a slap in the face to the person who made the initial bid.
The same rule applies to healthy relationships. A positive bid may be as simple as a laugh or a knowing smile. It may be a phrase or question. But whatever form it takes, this positive response reassures the initial bidder that you have heard and accepted what they say (even if you don’t necessarily agree with it).
Psychologists have identified four types of positive, or toward, bids. A healthy relationship will have a mix of all of them:
Nearly Passive
A friendly grunt, an affirming “uh-huh,” or a gesture of acknowledgment: a nod or a smile. (Note: This is a friendly grunt, not the “Go away and leave me alone” grunt favored by moody teenagers.)
Low Energy
A few words of acknowledgment—“okay” or “sure”—or a question to clarify the bid: “Sorry, what did you say?”
Attentive
Now you’re getting involved. These responses indicate sharing opinions, thoughts, and feelings. They include an offer of empathy, insight, a joke, or a question. Actions like a good-night kiss or a handshake are also attentive responses.
High Energy
Attentive responses, but even bigger—with more energy, complete attention, and full eye contact. These are usually enthusiastic responses (“Wow, congratulations!”). High-energy responses are often physical (big hugs, sloppy kisses) and loud (hearty laughs, giggles). They also have the most positive impact—when you get this kind of reaction, you really know you’ve been heard. But remember the experience of being greeted by a sloppy dog: too much of this kind of positive attention can be exhausting, particularly if the recipient is a rather shy person.
Now that you understand the various types of toward bids, consider if you are likely to use one of these types more often. Given that most healthy relationships have a ratio of five positive responses to one negative response, it’s important that you keep your bids going toward. Here are three ways to do so:
1. Always respond by showing that you’ve heard what has been said, even if you want to change the subject: “I’m so glad that you’ve found a flat that you like. That must be a weight off your mind. I’ve just finished a new draft of the report, so if you have a moment . . .”
2. Open every conversation with a positive bid. In his research, remember, Gottman found that he could predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, the outcome of a relationship based on what he heard in the first fifteen minutes of a conversation. In many cases, the first three minutes gave a strong sense of whether the relationship was going to survive. If those first minutes are full of negativity, blame, and criticism, the outcome will be negative as well.
3. Even when you vehemently disagree with a person’s suggestions, say what you like about those suggestions first. Establish common ground (e.g., “I like the fact you’re being totally up front”; “I appreciate how passionately you feel about this issue”) before presenting your case.
An against bid is always unpleasant. Yes, you have received a response to your own bid, but you wish you hadn’t. Mocking, ridiculing, belittling, and making sarcastic comments about a bid or the bidder are all against responses. And they always make the other person feel bad. There is little of positive value in an against bid except a short and very temporary release of anger, frustration, or denial. It’s like racking up charges on a particularly expensive credit card, where you get a brief “thrill” from what you’ve purchased but then you endure months or years of pain as you try to pay off the debt.
Well, okay. There is one more benefit from against bids: if you want a person to feel bad (and annoyed with you) as part of some complex negotiation or because you’re hoping to get that person out of your life no matter what, then against responses may be just the ticket.
Here are six familiar against responses. Unless you’re more angelic than most, prepare to wince:
Contemptuous
A contemptuous response to “Shall we ask for directions?” would be “We wouldn’t need to if you could just read the map.” Ouch.
Belligerent
Someone is spoiling for a fight. If a person asks “Do you want to see a film?” and the response is “Do you really think I have time for a movie? Don’t you realize how busy I am?” it’s pretty obvious where the conversation is going.
Contradictory
These responses are designed to get a reaction—ideally “I’m sorry; you’re right” but usually something rather less savory. The following are all contradictory responses: “I think you’ll find there’s a better way to tie a garbage bag,” “Leave it alone; let me do it,” or the supremely irritating “Actually, I think you’ll find it’s pronounced . . .”
Domineering
These responses assert authority and attempt to force the other person to withdraw, retreat, or submit. For example, a daughter might say, “My dream is to be on
America’s Got Talent
.” A mother might respond, “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not nearly talented enough.”
Character Attack
“I didn’t quite understand what Michael meant in the meeting today” gets the against response “Of course not. You weren’t paying attention, as usual.” “You always,” “you shouldn’t have,” or “you never” are early warning signals that a load of negative bids is on its way.
Defensive
Me: “I can’t find my book.” My spouse: “Well, don’t look at me!” Here, the respondent—even though no blame was being apportioned—is on the defensive.
When someone responds against you, you feel undervalued. If you do hang in there, you’ll probably stop making further bids. That’ll effectively put an end to the interaction and damage the relationship. If the other person is in a position of power (like an aggressive boss), you may suppress your emotions to avoid conflict, and the relationship will become one based on fear. But if you are the one responding against others, understand that these negative bids seriously undermine your relationships. It’s critical that you change your bids to positive ones.
Here are three ways to avoid against bids:
1. Pause. Count to five in your head. Slowly. If that doesn’t work, explain to whomever you are with that you want to take a breather to calm down. And, no, storming out and slamming the door doesn’t count.
2. Repeat what the other person has said. Or summarize it favorably and check that you’ve understood it correctly. Often we respond against when we have misinterpreted what someone has said.
3. Report on what is going on. “I notice that we are both raising our voices in this discussion about who is cooking dinner. How can we answer this question calmly?” Psychologists call this “reported observation.” It is based on the principle that if we name what is going on, we have a better chance of choosing to do things differently to prevent a bad outcome.
In all cases, think of using negative bids much as using a credit card: the short-term gain is rarely going to be greater than the long-term pain.
Turning away is when you ignore someone’s bid or act preoccupied or uninterested. There may be a reason why you are being unresponsive; you might feel irritated or your attention may be elsewhere. But whatever your conscious motivation, turning away from a bid indicates that you have disengaged from the relationship. The outcome is not going to be good.
Research shows that when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss one another’s bids, they become hostile and defensive. And the sad fact is that most people turn away without even knowing they are doing it. So, what do turning-away responses look like? They tend to occur in three different forms:
