Midnight Squad: The Grim (35 page)

           
I shrugged, “I figured it was so I could reach myself to
aim while I pee.” Jesus snorted, “Well that’s just stupid. You could hike up a
leg and pee like a dog for all I care. I built you so that when you are young
and having needs, you could meet those needs yourself. That way there’d be no
real pressure to find a partner until you were ready emotionally, and if it was
just to pee then why’d I make a woman’s clitoris?” Okay, clearly this
conversation was not going down a road I would have expected.

           
“So you’re saying that sex is ok?” I raised an eyebrow.

           
“Of course it’s okay. I created sex as an outward
expression of an inward condition. That’s why it’s called making love. It’s
supposed to be the physical expression of the love you have for someone else.
It’s like baptism. I created baptism as a way for you to declare to the world
that you’re with me. I created sex as a way for you to show your love to your
partner. Unfortunately, many people abuse sex. They don’t have sex to love
someone else. They use sex to make themselves feel good. I gave people
masturbation to make
themselves
feel good. I can see
you’re still confused. Let me ask you something. Have you ever really loved
someone that you’ve had sex with?”

           
“No.” I suddenly felt guilty, but I wasn’t entirely sure
why.

           
“What about Janine?” He asked.

           
“I think the world of her, but I’m not in love with her.”
I stared down at the table.

           
“Don’t you think she deserves love?”

           
“Yes.” My voice was just a whisper.

           
“Grim, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I just
want you to understand. When you have sex with someone that you don’t love, you
are just cheating them out of the full relationship. Everyone deserves love,
and sex ties people together whether they realize it or not. I’ve seen people
build relationships based on sex without any love, and love without sex. Both
are tragedies, and I never wanted that. I wanted people to be in loving
relationships, and expressing their love often. That’s the underlying message
behind be fruitful and multiply. Now let me ask you another question. What
about Penny?”

           
 
“What about her?”
Jesus raised an eyebrow. I was even a little surprised by how defensive I was
over her. “You haven’t had sex with her. Before you say something stupid, I
know what you have done. I mean you haven’t actually had sex with her in the
biblical sense. Why is that?” He just leaned back and waited. “To be honest I’m
not sure what to think about her. I mean there are times when she’s around and
I just can’t breathe. Then there are times when I think it might be best if she
stayed far away. I mean she is a vampire.” Jesus smirked, “Really? So what’s
wrong with that?”

           
“Isn’t being a vampire kind of, like evil? I mean she
eats people. Doesn’t that put her kind of on the outs with heaven?” I asked,
afraid of the answer. “Grim, you do know lions eat lambs right?” Ok that was a
weird statement, but I nodded. “Grim, lions eat lambs. Only in heaven do they
lay down together. A vampire is a predator. I’m not going to condemn someone
for doing what they have to in order to survive. Read your bible. I may be the
man that sacrificed
myself
for everyone’s sins, but
I’m also the same man that sent an angel through Egypt to kill every firstborn.
The bible says I am holy, and good. It also says I’m jealous and wrathful. I’m
complex, and deserve better treatment from people. So many of you try to put me
in a little box with a tiny bow on it so that I look nice and simple, and then
they all act surprised when I don’t fit. Some of them get angry, and others get
depressed when they can’t find a way to fit the infinite into the finite. I’ll
never understand it. I can barely tolerate it.

           
The only thing simple is my offer to all of you. Anyone
that takes up their cross and follows me will not be disappointed. Sure, in
heaven you’ll find priests, saints, and heroes. You’ll also find murderers,
rapists, drug dealers, cowards, and even vampires.

           
Don’t look so confused. Penny has the same fears you do.
She’s afraid that she’s condemned because of what she is. So when you get back
I have three things for you to do. The first is to tell Penny that I have heard
her prayers…all of them. If she will keep her faith in me, then I will always
have a place for her in my kingdom. The second is to tell Janine that she
doesn’t have to be afraid. She’s always kept her faith even when others would
have surrendered. Tell her that when she’s ready to come home, I’ll be waiting.
To be honest, I’d like you to spread that to everyone, but I’m only going to
ask for those two specifically. I’ve heard their prayers over the years, and
both of them need a little encouragement right now. Well get to the third thing
in a bit, but can you do these two things?” I nodded.

           
“Ok, so now back to Penny. What’s the real reason you
have no problem fornicating like a rabbit on viagra with Janine, but you
haven’t chased after Penny with the same zeal?” Crap, I was really hoping we’d
moved on. The bad part is that I already knew the answer, but if I said it then
it seemed more real. I’d hoped to avoid it but instead I gave a deep sigh,
“Penny’s something special. I’ve known many women. I think some of it is I’m a
little scared. Some of it is the vampire thing, but most of it is how she makes
me think and feel.”

           
Jesus chuckled, “What’s so different about how you feel
towards her than the others?” I was equal parts frustrated, and embarrassed.
“It’s just things I never thought about sneak into my head. I actually thought
about how being with her might mean I never have kids. I never get to grow old
with someone. The thought of growing old while she stays like she is worries me
for some reason. I mean when I’m ninety, what’s to keep her from ditching me
for someone that still has his teeth and full control of all bodily functions?
I never thought about this stuff before. It’s almost as if I know any
relationship I have with her is going to be long term. It might even be for
life.”

           
“Would that be so bad?”

           
“No, and the strange part is that’s what I’m worried
about. I’ve never felt this way towards anyone. If I go after her I might never
get to be a father, or a husband. I might just grow old and gray, and when I
die she’ll still be as young and beautiful as ever. It’ll be like I never
existed. On the other hand, what if I never feel this way about anyone again? I
don’t suppose you have any advice?” This was embarrassing, but my honesty must
have earned me some brownie points because Jesus leaned in. He flashed me grin
and said, “You need to stop asking yourself about what you might never have.
You’re right that you might never feel this way about anyone again. You might
not live long enough to grow old, and there is no guarantee that you might ever
have kids. Even if you married a regular woman, there’s no guarantee that she’d
ever have children. You should take those thoughts out of your head and ask
yourself the only question that ever really matters. Do you love her?”

There
was something about the way he spoke; it cut me right to the core. I covered my
face with my hands, and then slid my fingers up into my hair in frustration.
“What do you want to hear?” I shot up and got into his face. “Do you want to
hear that every spare second she’s in my thoughts? She is! Maybe you want to
hear that I’m trying every way I can think to keep from being alone with her
because when she’s around I can’t think. Well yeah, that’s true as well. She
gets next with me and everything just fades away. Do you want to hear that
there’s a part of me that feels like my life only began the moment I laid eyes
on her? Well, fuck you. It’s true. I wish I could say it wasn’t but it is. Even
right now. I’m talking with you, and all I can do is sit here and worry about
her.”

           
Jesus gave me a big goofy grin, “I want to hear all of
that, and more. I want to hear the real underlying reason you keep avoiding a
real relationship with her. I already know the truth, but it would do you good
to say it. I’m not going to force it out of you though. We both know you’ve had
enough of that, and as for Penny. Grim, I promise that when I send you back
you’ll have plenty of time. I’m God. Believe in me and have faith.” I lowered
myself into a seat. My mother’s words kept echoing in my head.
Is
anything too great for God?
She’d drilled that into me as a small
child. Here I was, standing across from the Alpha and Omega himself, and all I
could think of was Penny. I was a lot more worried about her than even I wanted
to admit. What does it say when a woman can almost make you punch out God.
Jesus smiled, “It says that you’re in love.”

           
“Don’t do that! Stay out of my head! It’s hard enough to
argue with you like this. It’s damn near impossible if you’re going to argue
with my thoughts too. So stay out of me!”

           
“But Grim, I’m already inside you. The Holy Spirit has
been in you since you accepted me when you were twelve. I’ve been with you all
this time. I’m not your enemy. I’m your closest friend, even when you don’t
know I’m there. Sometimes I’m there as a shoulder to cry on. Occasionally I’m a
willing ear to hear your problems, and your joys. Yes, sometimes I’m pushing
your buttons, but I’m doing all of it as a friend that wants to help you.”

           
I nodded, “Ok. You’re right. I’m not completely
comfortable with the idea, but I’m putting my faith in you.”

           
“It’s not easy to put yourself into the hands of someone
else. Have faith in me, and I will see you through. Put yourself in my hands
and I’ll always do what’s best for you, but it may not always be what you
want.” Jesus leaned back. I couldn’t argue with that. It’s what my mother had
taught me my whole life. I’d always believed it in theory, but hearing it from
the man himself was something else altogether.

           
“I’ll do my best to let you run the show, but you know
how stubborn I am. I’ll try and let you lead, but please forgive me Lord for
all the times I’m going to screw up along the way.”

           
“Grim, contrary to popular opinion, I don’t expect
perfection. I just want you to keep trying. I’ve already done the heavy
lifting. I’ve already forgiven your sins. I just want you to give me your best.
Now I have one last thing to ask of you. I need a warrior. I want you to fight
with everything you have. Fight hard, fight dirty, and fight without any
hesitation. Grim, you have a very hard road ahead of you. Before it’s over,
some people will call you a monster. They’ll be right. Some will even hate you,
and they’ll have good reason. Your job isn’t to make friends, and even monsters
can serve at God’s feet. Remember that they hated me first. I want you to have
faith in me, have faith in yourself, and live by these two rules. Worship me as
your one and only God, and love your enemies as you love yourself. That means I
want you to show compassion when you can, give mercy where you’re able, and
always be as fair as possible. Can you do this?”

           
“I can try.”

           
“Good. Now Grim, I have something I want to give you. You
probably won’t be happy about it, but think of it as a key to the future. I
know you’ve been trying to search out all the people you’ve killed, but keeping
that book might eventually become a trophy before you realize it. Death isn’t
something to be worshipped. It’s something to overcome. Are you ready?” He
waited patiently.

           
To be honest I’m not ready for anything. Jesus was making
this sound as if something horrible was about to happen. As nervous as I was, I
decided that I’ve come this far. If I was going to start trusting Jesus then I
might as well start now. “Ok, do it.” Jesus reached across the table and
touched the center of my chest with a fingertip. For a second nothing happened,
but then I felt a slow burning, clawing sensation. It kept getting hotter and
hotter. It spread slowly from my throat to my groin, and it just kept digging
its way across my chest. It was so hot I panicked and began tearing my shirt.
Once it was off, I could see what was happening. The names of everyone I’ve
ever killed were slowly appearing on my skin. The names formed a cross on my
chest,
it looked like almost like a tattoo.
“Holy shit!
What the fuck!”

           
“Grim, whenever you kill someone their name will appear
on your chest. It will literally become part of your cross to bear. It won’t
offer you any added protection. You’re the same man you were before I put the
cross on your chest.”

           
“If fucking hurts!
How am I
supposed to do anything with my chest feeling like something is ready to burst
out of me?”

           
“The pain will go away. In the future, it will only hurt
when you kill someone. The pain will be the names adjusting to compensate for
any additions. Don’t worry, I promise that it’ll only start making changes when
you’re safe. Therefore, you don’t have to worry about it happening while you’re
in the middle of a firefight. I will warn you that even though the pain is
temporary, it will be much worse from now on because your soul is going to have
to move the current names, and then adjust them to fit in the cross.”