Midnight Squad: The Grim (34 page)

           
It was noisy, dusty, and just plain disgusting. Cobwebs,
spiders, and the occasional overly curious rat interrupted my exploration. The
FMG blasted out its light, and cut away at the darkness. On one hand, it helped
to be able to see where I was going, but on the other hand, this vent was just
like something from better homes and dungeons. The vents were a crazy maze of
intersecting vents leading to God knows where. The only guide I used was that
up was out, and I climbed up every vertical vent. I was lost, but still
climbing. Up was good. Eventually I’d have to find another vent to exit
somewhere.

           
I’d been searching for ten minutes when I finally found a
vent. I set another drum magazine up to escape. It damaged the grate when I
detonated it, but it still held. I used my last spare Pancor drum. This grate
was a lot thicker than the other one. I still couldn’t escape. I removed the
drum from the Pancor itself. There were no more drums after this one. I felt a
little regret that I never fired the Pancor. It was like someone handed you the
keys to a Ferrari, but instead of getting to drive it you had to use them like
a weapon to fight off a mugger. It was depressing, but survival comes first. I
detonated it. By now, my ears just constantly rang. I couldn’t hear anything at
all but a high pitched hum. Both ears hurt, and I’d consider myself lucky if
somehow I avoided two burst eardrums.

           
The grate was just barely hanging on. I lifted the Pancor
and used it to bash my way through. It didn’t have much fight left in it.
Unfortunately while I beat my way through the grate the Pancor was falling
apart. When I finished, that lovely piece of weaponry was bent in ways that
would make Gumby scream. It was like watching someone draw a mustache on the
Mona Lisa. The grate fell to the ground, and I quickly followed. I’d climbed
five levels. I was on Penny’s floor. I dropped the ruined shotgun and made my
way to the elevator.

           
I’d already made it to the next room before I realized I
was going the wrong way. I was in Penny’s back bedroom. Dr Fluffenstein was
sitting on the bed staring back at me. Penny’s crossbow was sitting at the foot
of the bed as well. The monotone voice announced only eight minutes left. I
snatched up the crossbow. It had a strap to hang over my back. I figured Penny
might make good use of it if I can get it to her. I was about to leave when I
glanced back. Dr Fluffenstein was still staring back like a lost puppy. Damn
he’s just too adorable for my own good. There was a large backpack in a nearby
closet. I grabbed it and slipped the stuffed skunk inside. I also grabbed the
family portrait. It was a tight fit, and it ate up a lot more of my time than I
really had, but for some reason it just seemed important for Penny to have both
of these things. I knew that they were both something she really treasured, and
the last thing I wanted was for her to cry when I could do something about it.

Time
was running short, and so I ran to the elevator. When I got there I had to
really strain to get it open. Once it was open, I leapt to the elevator cable,
and tried to start climbing but I was just too cumbersome. I twined my legs
around the cable for support, and then tossed the FMG down the shaft to lighten
my load. I was immediately aware of what a bad idea that was. I watched as my
light descended the elevator shaft. When the gun hit the elevator below, it
discharged. Bullets ricocheted everywhere. Most of the rounds never made it
near me, but a few rounds pinged against the sides of the shaft around me. A
few bullets even struck well above me. After cursing my own stupidity, and
doing a self-check to make sure I still had clean shorts, I tried to start
climbing. I was still too heavy. I had to decide on keeping either the backpack
or the crossbow. My head said ditch Dr. Fluffenstein, but something else in me
just wouldn’t let him go. I knew it would be important to Penny, and if it was
important to her then it was important to me. Dr. Fluffenstein must live! God I
spend one night curled up with her and she’s already got me wrapped around her
finger, but it is a hot, sexy, and very adorable finger.

           
The crossbow rattled down the shaft. I already knew I’d
be regretting losing it if I made it out, but the drop in weight made the climb
almost bearable. I was making good time up the cable, but I was still running
against a clock that really wasn’t my friend. Eventually I made it up to the
first level. I braced my feet against the cable and jumped to the edge of
elevator door, and nearly fell backwards down the shaft. I was wobbly, but I
got the door open. The voice said I had a minute to get to the office. I ran,
and when I reached the door to Elizabeth’s office the voice was already
counting down the last ten seconds. I dove across the table and grabbed the
necklace. The voice had reached one just as I was wishing Alhambra would get us
out of here. There was a loud explosion. I felt heat as my body shoved back
against the wall, and then nothing.

           
“Anyone ever tell you that for a big man you sure get
knocked out a lot. A few more years of this and your brain will be like jello
at best.” My eyes flickered open, and everything was different. I was sitting
very comfortably in a soft leather chair. A cold beer was sitting in front of
me, and some kind of pelvic pumping techno beat was shaking the club. There he
was again. Jesus sat across from me sipping some frozen mixed thing that glowed
blue. “We call it the Seventh Day, because if you drink enough of these you’ll
have to take a day off to recover. I’d offer you one, but you can’t really
appreciate it until you’re a permanent resident up here.” Jesus took another
sip.

           
I took a tug off my beer. It went down smoothly. You
gotta give the man upstairs credit, he only has the good stuff. “So I’m
guessing I’ll be headed back?” Jesus nodded. “Of course, I have big plans for
you. So you finally accepted I am who I say I am?” I shrugged, “It’s not like I
have a lot of options. I mean either you’re who you say you are, or I’m having
a nervous breakdown. I checked, and you were right about the orphans, but you
knew that already.
So either you are Jesus, or I’ve known
about the orphans all this time and have been hiding it from myself.
So
if my options are that a)I’m talking with Jesus, or b)that I’m nuttier than
squirrel shit, I’ll take option A…sorry about the cursing.”

           
“Why does everyone talk to me like I’m a complete prude?
I don’t care about your choice of words. I care about the context. You can
insult and degrade someone without ever using a curse word. I had a man give me
the most genuine thanks when he got up here. There was no doubt he meant every
single word. It was one of the most heartfelt thanks I ever received, and I
think every other word was a curse word. The important thing was he meant it
all with love, and it came straight from the heart. Why all of you keep trying
to limit me is one of life’s great tragedies. It’s as if you all believe I
can’t understand the actual meaning and significance of something, and
somewhere you people started believing I was against everything fun. I’ve never
had a problem with you enjoying yourselves. That’s what you’re supposed to do.
I did a great job building the
place,
don’t you think
I’d want you to enjoy it?” He took another long sip of his drink.

           
“Well if that’s true your representatives on earth have
done a real bad fu-…a poor job of explaining things.” I felt a little sheepish
about nearly cursing in front of God. Jesus arched an eyebrow, “You get the
green light in heaven to drop an f-bomb and instead you chicken out. I have to
say that you were a lot more fun when you thought I wasn’t real.” He leaned
back and smiled.

           
“Ladies and Gentleman, next up.
On Earth, she was a doctor, a mother, and a wife. She is a huge Hitchcock fan.
On stage two….Gina Nowitski!”
My eyes looked up to the stage, and there she
was. “What the fuck?” I almost fell out of my seat. Doctor Nowitski walked out
in nothing but her birthday suit. Normally this would have had a creep out
factor of ten considering her age, but when she walked out, she was ageless. To
look at her you’d never be able to tell whether she was in her seventies, or in
her twenties. It was as if she was standing just outside the reaches of time,
and she was beautiful.

           
Doctor Nowitski pranced and bounded around the stage
while I sat there dumbstruck. Jesus snapped his fingers, and even waved a hand in
front of my face, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off her. It was just too
much of a shock. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and snapped out of it, “If
you keep looking at my wife like that I may start to get jealous.” I turned and
stared at a man. He was thin with shaggy hair. Gina squealed, “Pudding!” She
leaped down. Out of respect for her husband, I tried not to notice the jiggling
as she bounded past me and all but practically pounced on the man.
“Momma?”
Another young man stood beside Gina and her
husband. They all cried and hugged one another. Finally, Gina looked over to
us.
“Sergeant?
I’m sorry you didn’t make it. I hoped
you’d find a way out, but isn’t this place wonderful?” She was beaming.

           
“Doctor?
I…what happened?” I was
trying to think, but I was just stunned. The doctor looked down, and clothes
just appeared over her body. “When we were about to get onto the helicopter
Elizabeth said I was no longer needed. Then she shot me. It took a while for me
to die. I heard her talking to you over the radio. I wish I could have done
something, anything to help you. I just couldn’t. My old body just slowly gave
up. I didn’t even have the strength to scream.”

           
“What about DD?”

           
“Sergeant, I’m sorry. DD was a part of whatever was going
on. Although I suppose to her credit she kept begging Elizabeth to take me with
them to a hospital, or at least give me some medication. That poor woman was
crying and begging to help me right up until everything faded to black. Then I
wake up here. Now I have a new body which I suppose I should be thanking you
for Lord. This is amazing!” Gina looked past me to Jesus.

           
“Please, here you’re all my brothers and sisters. I’m
just as excited that you’re here as you are.” Jesus stood up and gave Gina a
big brotherly bear hug. When he finished hugging her he looked down, and with a
twinkle in his eye said, “Now if you’ll excuse me. I have a few things I need
to discuss with Grim before I send him back.” Gina’s eyes went wide. “He’s
going back? Sergeant, I was looking forward to you spending some time with us
up here. I think you and my son might have ended up being good friends here,
but since you’re going back please be careful. Of course I suppose Heaven isn’t
going anywhere. So enjoy a nice full life. When you finally get to stay, please
don’t be afraid to visit us. I‘m sure I‘ll be somewhere around up here.” With
that, she turned and left with her husband and son. She was so happy even I
cried. It was a very manly, heterosexual, macho type of crying. Ok, I blubbered
like a baby. I mean it was just such a happy moment for her. Jesus actually had
to get me some tissues. Yes even the tissues were super soft and gave off a
comforting scent. Thankfully, he didn’t give me any crap about it, but I guess
that’s just not really his way. After blowing my
nose,
and trying to regroup a bit finally I asked, “So heaven has strip clubs?”

           
He laughed a deep heartfelt laugh. It was the kind of
laugh you get when a kid says something adorably inappropriate. “No. People go
to strip clubs to find something they are missing. Some go for attention,
camaraderie, but only a few really go for titillation. In heaven everyone
receives all the attention and camaraderie they could ever want. I’ve found
that up here titillation just isn’t as important as it is on earth. Of course
that may be because we aren’t as self-conscious about things up here. It’s not
unusual for someone to run around naked up here. This club you see is just a
place that our newbies come to show off their new body. It‘s more like a
fashion show than a strip club, and people here are really just admiring my
craftsmanship.” I stared in disbelief, but to be honest the place had a much
more wholesome feel to it. So I guess in heaven some people go commando…weird.

           
“Seriously, Adam and Eve ran around naked all the time.
They still do. Sometimes David would get so excited about something that he’d
tear his own clothes off and dance and sing all night long. He was naked and
doing cartwheels up here just last week. Something about his American Idol
pick
winning. To be honest I think he just looks for an
excuse to drop his clothes and party.

           
 
So many of you
people act as if everything you do in the dark is dirty and evil. Before I made
anything the universe was dark and void. So before all of you were created it
was just me in the dark. I’ve never understood how you all developed these
hang-ups about nudity and sex. I made sex. I did such a good job that I thought
I’d use it to get a little easy publicity. Why do you think all of you start
screaming oh God, oh God, oh God? I hardwired it into your souls so you’d be
reminded how much I care for all of you. I thought that it would be great for
public relations, and I hoped you people would appreciate the gift I gave you
all. Instead, they credit Hugh Hefner, crazy sex doctors that wouldn’t know how
to satisfy anyone if their life depended on it, and porn in general. I was
there before all that. I made you people with a huge capacity to enjoy one
another. I even made the orgasm. Do you realize how much work I had to put into
that? Let me ask you this question. There are a bunch of people that say
masturbation is wrong and a sin. If that’s true then why did I make your arms
just long enough to reach yourselves?”