Microsoft Word - At Last A Life Final Copy 16-03-09 (4 page)

become the person I was before I ever became anxious all those

years ago.

My recovery took some time with plenty of ups and downs and

although I did not have all the information you have here, I used the

same method. I saw someone who was fantastic for me and this

person’s words put me on the right track. Also, during my recovery, I

was advised to pick up a book by Claire Weekes. She also had an

influence on me and my findings. But my real progress came from a

combination of knowledge and trial and error. Also there is no better

education than coming through anxiety. The only
people I have ever

respected on the subject are the people who have actually been

through it and come out the other side. In the beginning I really just

had to work it all out for myself. When I knew I was on the right

track, I began to study the whole subject and was able to make my

own mind up about what was good information and what was bad.

When the penny dropped and I understood things fully, improvement

came quite quickly. When you have spent ten years getting worse,

then you know when you are on the right track.

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GIVE UP THE FIGHT

Firstly, let me explain the reason why so many people actually stay

in the cycle of anxiety and, in many cases, feel they are getting

worse. It is because they are fighting a constant battle to feel better

and lose their symptoms. They may spend all day trying to ‘rid’

themselves of how they feel; fighting the feelings and trying to push

them away. They may attempt to unravel the whole day, trying to

work out what they did wrong or why they felt like they did. They

may spend the whole time in deep thought, trying to find a way out

of this hell and breaking down from time to time, as they see no way

out. The harder they try to escape from their mental torment, the

worse they feel, believing that no one understands and finding little

or no help wherever they turn.

I know this person was me. I thought so deeply each day, I was

losing touch with the world around me. I fought these feelings and

let them frustrate me so much that my anxiety certainly got worse. I

thought of nothing else each day but getting better. I spent my whole

time acting through it, hoping no one would notice how I felt and

every day was a constant battle. I never once thought about doing

anything else but fighting and trying to work out why I felt this way.

What else could I do but fight and figure it out for myself, when I was

given no advice or explanation for how I felt? Little did I know that I

was doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

Rather than run away and try to rid yourself of how you feel, I want

you to actually go towards your feelings. Don’t run away from them

or hide away. For once realise it’s okay to have anxiety. Remember,

it’s only natural in the circumstances to feel the way you do. If your

nerves and mind are tired, there is not a single thing you can do to

make it all go away instantly.

Maybe you find yourself withdrawing from the feelings, running away

and not daring to face this big monster you have created in your

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mind, thinking that if you face this thing head on, it will swallow you

up and you will somehow get worse.

Well, guess what? You won’t! It is the very avoidance of the way you

feel that holds you back. How much respect do you give a feeling, if

you keep avoiding it? It will always be the enemy, the thing to shy

away from and avoid at all costs.

Below is an example of the moment of realisation received from a

sufferer and my response to her:

“After reading all the great information in your book, I am beginning

to understand a few things that I was doing wrong. For instance,

when I was feeling on edge, like not feeling quite right, like

something was going to happen, I would have a couple of drinks to

make the feelings go away. I realise that by doing this I was running

away from my feelings and not facing them. Well, for the last week

or so, I’ve stopped doing that and I’m beginning to feel better, not

completely 100% but a lot better than of late.”

My reply was:

Marie, that was a wonderful insight into the fact that you were

running away from your feelings and not facing them. While ever we

shy away from or try and control how we feel, we are building up the

respect we give to those feelings, like they must be avoided at all

costs. We can never move forward with this attitude. Once you face

them and nothing happens, they lose your respect. “Is that it”? you

may say. However, you can’t do this until you do allow and go

towards your feelings. To lose any fear, you must be willing to feel it.

This is how I unmasked a lot of my anxiety and was no longer

bluffed by it. This is a very important part of recovery. We get stuck

in a cycle because we avoid anywhere where we think we may feel

uncomfortable. It’s our natural instinct, but it is also the reason we

stay stuck in a cycle. The only way to break this cycle is to quite

happily go towards these places and feel anything. If we feel

anxious, then so be it. It’s only a feeling after all. This is exactly what

I did and in time these places were just like any other, because I

willingly went towards them. I de-sensitised to them. I honestly

could not care less how I felt, as I knew that this was the only way to

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move forward. I could never hide away at home and just wish it all

away.

Paul

So, let these feelings come and don’t try to stop them. Allow yourself

to feel the way that you do? Some people falsely believe that if they

do this, they will somehow lose a grip on themselves and that they

must hold everything together. You don’t need to fight and think your

way back to recovery; you need to let recovery come to you.

Okay, I will use my own true life case to explain what I experienced

and all that I did wrong.

I once walked around thinking deeply about how I felt. I was

constantly worrying and questioning why I was getting worse and

not better. I just kept going around in circles trying to figure a way

out of this hell. I tried to keep a grip on myself when talking with

others, acting a part throughout the day in an attempt to make sure

that nobody noticed how I was feeling. I also felt angry and

frustrated about how I felt, wondering when this thing would go

away, and I was full of self-pity.

Can you see how much extra stress and pressure I was putting

myself under each day? Even a healthy body would have struggled

to cope, never mind a body that suffered with anxiety. It makes total

sense to me now why I got worse and not better over the years. I

was thrashing by body daily, constantly trying to do something about

it. Eventually I just gave up and said “it’s time to accept that,

however I feel, I feel”. Okay, I still felt awful at times and this was

understandable, but I did not feel as bad, and for once during my

suffering, I was giving my body the break it so craved. If I could

begin to learn to let go and give a free reign to my feelings, then I

had no need to constantly try and figure it all out. I would no longer

need to worry daily about how I was feeling and had no need to fight

or try to push feelings away. Do you see that for once I had given

myself a break and a chance not to add more and more stress to an

already tired body? I had taken a step back and trusted in my own

body’s healing system, the best healing system that exists. My body

could not begin to recover until I began to give up this daily battle

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that I had created with myself and this is when the statement “You

will never get better until you stop trying” made so much sense to

me. It was once my daily aim to ‘get rid’ of how I was feeling. If my

body could speak it would have said “Paul please step out of the

way; leave me alone and let me heal myself”.

What I am saying is let anxiety be part of your day and stop

worrying/obsessing about it. Say it’s okay to feel like this for the time

being. I am not saying you have to like it, just don’t create a monster

out of it. Also, give your body and mind as much space as it needs

to heal itself. Too many people are far too impatient and want instant

success. I wanted instant success for 10 years and never found it.

So I was very willing to give myself time to recover. I had been

through so much; it made sense that it was going to take time. I just

aimed for progress and was happy with this. I never demanded or

expected anything, which, looking back, helped me so much.

Remember, your body takes time to adjust and each day that you no

longer fight how you feel and just go with it, you give your body

another day to recover and repair itself. A broken leg will not heal in

a day and neither will your nerves, but for the first time you will have

started to give them the rest they so crave.

Think about this: If fighting worked, you would be cured by now. So

why not try the opposite? Abandon yourself to how you feel. Holding

on to yourself and trying to keep a grip on this thing, just adds more

tension. You may find yourself running away from your symptoms,

telling yourself that you must not face them or you will sink deeper

into the pit of anxiety. Or you may try to push them away and stop

them coming, but this is all wrong. The only way to de-sensitise is to

go towards these feelings instead of shying away from them. This is

the only way to recover. By doing this, you are accepting them for

what they are - just strange feelings. You may just find that nothing

is going to happen to you and that when you let them come, the

feelings are not as bad as you let yourself believe. In allowing them

to come, you automatically relax your body and don’t add any more

tension. Can you see that by letting them come, you are on the way

to not fearing them any more? You have brought down the barriers

that have been holding you back for so long. Face the feelings and

let them come, until it does not matter if they are there or not. I

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blindly thought I had to get rid of my anxiety symptoms at all costs

and that there must be a quick fix that had eluded me.

Setbacks

I have helped people to go with how they feel and everything is

going well for them. They are improving and feeling better, only to

wake up one morning and suddenly find they have a bad day. This

can cause them to lose hope, they feel as if they are back at square

one and start questioning everything all over again. Please don’t fall

into this trap. Under normal circumstances, we feel happier on some

days than others; we don’t know why, we just do. So why be

surprised if on some days we feel more anxious than others? We

don’t question why we are happier on some days than others, so

why question the reason we feel more nervous and tense on some

days than others? You just have to let the bad days go and use

them as another opportunity to practice letting go and allowing

feelings to be there. Allowing the sensations of anxiety/panic to go

on without making any attempt to stop them, hide from them or

stress or worry over them is really the way to lose them. In short, just

live your life and don’t let anxiety make your decisions for you. Don’t

let it stop you having a life.

I will refer to other people’s words from time to time because I

believe it helps to read what others have to say, particularly those

who have been through the same experiences and come out the

other side. These are from real people that I have helped in the past

and it shows just how many of them have come through once they

received the right help and guidance.

Below is a post taken from my blog from Scarlet, who is now fully

recovered, and it sums up exactly what I want to get across. Here

she talks about the need to just live your life and not let anxiety

make choices for you. Sitting at home hoping and wishing you will

feel better just does not work.