Meant To Be (43 page)

‘It all sounds very exciting,' Des said.

Emily wondered if Enid had her nose out of joint for not being part of the non-existent organising committee. ‘I popped in and saw Thora and Gerald Stratten,' she said, abruptly changing the subject.

‘Oh?' Enid said.

‘How are they doing?' Des asked. ‘I keep meaning to give Gerald a call.'

‘They seemed to be okay.'

‘All very sad,' Enid said. ‘I must invite her for afternoon tea.'

‘Yes,' Emily agreed. ‘Good idea.'

‘Mum, Dad, Jake and I have something to tell you,' she started, breaking the stretching silence. She gripped Jake's hand under the table.
Here goes.
‘I'm pregnant!'

Enid breathed in sharply. The air seemed to be sucked out of the room. Emily blushed. Jake squeezed her hand. Somewhere in the house a clock struck the hour. There seemed to be a collective holding of breath.
Dong, dong, dong, dong…
She counted the chimes all the way to ten, trying to keep her nerves at bay, unable to quite believe everyone was still silent. It was excruciating.
God, say something, someone. Please! Dad?

‘That's wonderful, dear, congratulations. Both of you,' Des said. He got up and pulled Emily into an embrace, then turned and shook Jake's hand. Then he hugged and slapped him on the back. ‘What lovely news!'

Across the table, Enid remained seated. The blood had left her face. ‘Des, they're not married.'

‘Well, I don't know about you, Enid, but I for one am very excited at the prospect of becoming a grandfather.'

‘Thanks Dad. It's come as a bit of a surprise.'

‘But…you're not married,' Enid said, apparently dumbfounded.

‘That's right, Mum. We're not married. You can get pregnant without a marriage certificate, you know.' Jake squeezed her hand again – no doubt as a warning.

‘But, what will people think?' Enid was now blushing.

‘Who cares what they think? I've met a wonderful man who makes me happy. We're engaged. We're committed. And we're going to have a baby together. Can't you just be happy for us?'

‘Of course I'm happy for you.'

‘Well, it doesn't sound like it.'

‘It's just. I don't know. It's just a bit of a shock. I just never thought…'

‘God, Mum. Why don't you ever give me a break? As usual, you're making it all about you. “What will people think?” Well, what about what
I
think?' Emily felt her heart start to race. She snatched her hand out of Jake's. Her voice went up an octave and a few decibels. ‘What about, “Darling, as long as you're happy?” A good mother should want her child to be happy, but I don't think you care about my feelings at all. I don't think you ever have.' She was starting to feel out of control, like a freight train heading downhill without brakes. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed her father and Jake shifting in their chairs, but she blundered on. ‘Parents are supposed to love their children, no matter what. But oh no, not you. All you do is criticise me and put me down.'

‘Oh, Emily, don't be silly. You're being hysterical. And of course I…'

‘You what? You've encouraged me? You've supported me? When? How? You orchestrated a reunion dinner to try and get me to go back to John, for Christ's sake! I was miserable with John. He was cruel, and you knew it.'

‘Emily, language!' Enid said. ‘Marriage vows are important. You can't just give up when things get a little difficult.'

A little difficult! He shot at my dog, Mum. For fun.'

‘I'm sure he…'

‘What? Had his reasons? What possible reason?' She took a breath, shaking with emotion. You're right, it doesn't matter now. It's too late for you to show your support on that. Thankfully I had Dad. But you… You've never encouraged me to be anything more than a wife and mother. Well, look, here I am, pregnant and engaged. Fulfilling my duty – my great career path.
And I still can't bloody win! I never will with you. I've wasted all these years and so much energy tying myself up in knots seeking your approval. The truth is, you'll never approve of anything I do. You're cold, critical, and unsupportive. You're a bully. And I've had enough of it. If you don't want a grandchild, then John's parents will be happy to step into the breach.'

And I suppose they've been told. Before your own parents?'

She felt a stab of guilt. ‘Yes, as a matter of fact they have. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. And, despite losing their son, they were gracious enough to be happy for me and Jake. But that's not the point. The point is that you always make everything about you.'

‘What ever do you mean, Emily? How do you think it feels to have…?'

‘Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you serious? It's not about who knows first! It's not a competition. Jake and I are having a baby – your first grandchild. And are you excited, pleased for us? Oh no, all you're thinking about is what people will think about me being unmarried, and that someone might have heard before you. It's the twenty-first century, not the nineteen sixties. I'm sorry Thora and Gerald found out first, but it was an accident. And I'm sorry I continue to be such an embarrassment to you. But, you know what, I no longer care. I'm glad you're not interested in your grandchild, because I don't want my child growing up feeling like I did.' She leapt up. ‘Come on Jake, we're leaving,' she said, and stormed towards the front door.

They drove in silence, as Emily played back the outburst in her head. It hadn't felt good to let her mother have it like that, but at least she'd got it off her chest. It had been a long time coming. After ten minutes, she finally asked, Aren't you going to say something?'

‘I'm not sure what to say.'

‘How about, “Well done for standing up for yourself”'

Jake considered that for a moment. ‘You didn't stand up for yourself. You attacked your mother in front of all of us. It was cruel. It was embarrassing. And your poor father…'

Stunned, Emily looked at him and then turned towards the window. Tears welled.

When they got home, Jake made no move to get out of the car. ‘I'm going into town to check the mail.'

Emily stayed put.

‘Emily, please. We'll discuss it later, but right now I'm too disappointed to even look at you.'

‘Why?'

‘She's your mother, Emily. You might not like some of the things she says and does, but she's the only one you've got.'

‘Don't you dare play the “at least you've got a mother” card.'

‘It's the truth. I'd give anything to have my mum to call or visit.'

‘Well, you're welcome to Enid! I don't want any child of mine going through what I have, feeling like I have.'

‘And I don't want my child not having a close relationship with their grandparents. So, we have a problem.'

‘We certainly do,' Emily said. And if you think I'm just going to fall on my sword and apologise after finally standing up for myself, you've got another think coming.' She ripped the door open, got out, and slammed it shut behind her.

Inside the house, Emily busied herself with baking a cake, hoping the noise of the beaters would distract her from her anger. She desperately wanted to phone Barbara and offload, but she was terrified that her friend might side with Jake.
Is it possible that I went too far?

No.
She assured herself she was in the right. But she still didn't pick up the phone. Barbara had enough on her plate without being subjected to more of Emily's issues with her mother.

‘Oh, Gracie, mummy's made a mess of things,' she said to the dog, who was lying on the floor nearby. ‘What should I do?'

She was just putting the cake in the oven and wondering how to distract herself next when there was a knock at the door.

‘Coming,' she called.

It was Des. Emily was shocked to see how haggard and stooped he looked. His face was a dreadful grey colour. Guilt stabbed under her ribs like a twisted knife.

‘Dad! Come in,' she said, hugging him tightly. ‘I've just put a cake in the oven if you'd like to wait.' She was so relieved to see him – to feel she had an ally – she almost burst into tears. ‘I'm so sorry about before. I feel terrible that you had to hear that.'

Des broke the embrace and looked at her solemnly. ‘Darling, I've got your mother in the car.'

‘Oh.'

‘I've been sent as the advance party to check you were home, since we can't see the car.'

‘Jake's gone off. He's upset with me.'

‘Oh dear.'

‘Dad, if Mum's expecting an apology, she's going to be sorely disappointed. Whilst I regret losing my cool in front of you and Jake, and embarrassing you, I stand behind what I said.'

‘You don't owe her an apology, Em.'

‘Thanks Dad. I'd better put the kettle on.' When she turned back from filling the kettle, Enid was standing in the doorway. ‘Hello, Mum,' she said.

‘Emily,' Enid said stiffly and walked into the kitchen, bypassing the air-kissing ritual.

Emily almost shuddered in response to Enid's glacial stare. She could have sworn the temperature in the kitchen dropped ten degrees.

‘Tea, coffee, something else?'

‘Not for me, thank you,' Enid said.

‘Coffee, thanks sweetheart,' Des said.

Emily's heart thudded hard as she prepared the mugs and delivered them to the table, the silence only broken by the loud plastic tick of the wall clock. Mother and daughter faced each other on opposite sides of the table, with Des between them at the end.

‘Don't you have something to say to me, Emily?' Enid finally said.

Emily tightened her grip on the handle of her mug, but said nothing.

‘I think an apology is in order. And what
exactly
have I done that makes me such a bad mother?'

Des flashed Enid a look. ‘Enid, we talked about this.'

‘No, Des, I want to know.'

‘I didn't say you were a bad mother, Mum,' mumbled Emily.

‘Well, it was certainly implied. You attacked me, in front of Jake and your father. I'd like to know why you hate me so much.'

‘I don't hate you, Mum. I love you, but very often I don't like the way you treat me.'

‘And what is it that I have done?'

‘I told you. You're not encouraging, you're not supportive. You're critical, you're always putting me down…'

‘Examples, Emily. I need specific examples.'

‘God, Mum, it's hard to give specific examples.'

‘Well, try, Emily.'

‘The house I moved into. You weren't supportive about that,' she said, a little desperately.

‘The place was a dump, only fit for vermin! Surely I'm entitled to my own opinion?'

‘Of course you are. But it was my choice to move there. Can't you see how criticising my choices isn't very supportive?'

‘Am I such a bad mother for wanting better for my daughter? Now you're just sounding like a petulant child, Emily. I came here to find out why you think I've wronged you so badly that you would threaten to not let me see my grandchild.'

‘Mum, it's more about the way you behave towards me,' Emily said, tears of frustration filling her eyes.

‘How am I supposed to be a better mother if you can't tell me what I do that upsets you so much?'

Emily wanted to beat her head against the table. This was just going around in circles. Enid would never see it. There wasn't an actual example she could cite without her turning it around to suit herself. You can't explain feelings.

‘You said I don't encourage you enough. I'm sure if I did you would be complaining I push you too hard. I can't win either way. It's the curse of motherhood. You'll see what it's like yourself soon enough, Emily. You're a well-adjusted, intelligent young woman, so I clearly didn't do too bad a job.'

‘Then why are you so hard on me?'

‘I wasn't aware that I was. Perhaps I'm not as warm and demonstrative as you would like, but that does not make me a bad mother.'

Gah!
‘Do you know how awful it feels to always have your mother looking you up and down critically, to never feel good enough in her eyes, to never measure up?'

Enid's mouth dropped open and she stared at Emily.

‘I do not.'

‘You do, actually. All the time. And it makes me feel terrible.'

‘Well, I certainly don't mean to. I think you're beautiful. Of course I do, you're my daughter. If anything, I'm a little envious of your lovely curves. I would have liked a bit more up top. And your complexion is so much better than mine. I wish I could get away without wearing make-up.'

So, maybe Barbara was right when she said Enid was threatened by her.

And of course I'm proud of your achievements. Look at the way you got through John's funeral and moving back here. And you're about to start a business.'

‘But, you said it was a silly idea.'

‘Well, maybe I was a little hasty. I thought you were taking on too much too soon with the farm, and Jake, and everything. And perhaps I was seeing it through my eyes. You're much younger and more energetic than me. If I'm being completely honest – and it seems I am,' she said with a sad smile, ‘I'm probably a little overawed by your strength. Look at how well you've dealt with all the terrible things life has thrown you lately.'

A fine way to show it.

But Emily kept her thoughts to herself. This was hard for her mother. She knew that. Enid really couldn't see how she'd hurt her, but maybe it was time for a truce. She'd just have to accept Enid for the way she was.

‘Thanks Mum,' she said with a faint smile.

‘Now, you two, hug,' Des said. ‘Properly.'