Matt Fargo (51 page)

satsu

“Pig,” an old-timers’ and high-school wiggers’ word for “cop,” certainly doesn’t apply to all officers of the law. I use the word “pig” here (and the corresponding satsu, which
doesn’t describe actual swine) strictly to refer to Japanese cops, who belong to that special category of douchebag that is all douche and no bag. I mean, Japanese cops must have absurdly tiny dicks, because every one of them walks around like they’ve got something huge to prove. Maybe it’s because they didn’t get to go to college and have uninhibited sex, or maybe it’s just because they aren’t allowed to carry guns. Japanese cops are also totally racist, so watch out if you look the least bit foreign. If you happen to be black or Chinese, you might as well just start running the other way.

POPPU NA NIHONGO

ongaku

Speaking objectively, I have to warn you that Japanese pop music is relentlessly horrendous crap. This is a quantified fact, but it’s also one of the world’s great mysteries. I mean, Japanese visual arts are uniformly amazing, right? Japanese fashion is light years ahead of everybody. Japanese cuisine is nothing less than delectable. And Japanese video games have invented the industry. So why is J-Pop so unlistenable? Oh yeah …They don’t have black people in Japan.