Marks on My Skin (Love & Ink #1) (30 page)

“Just stop it, Shayne! I messed up. Big deal. You turned out fine, didn’t you? Yet all you can do is blame me for how terrible your life was. Do you know how horrible it was having to deal with a child alone? God, I wanted to smother you in your crib when you wouldn’t stop crying, but I didn’t. I never wanted a fucking baby, but your grandmother wouldn’t let me get an abortion. God, if only she would have let me, I wouldn’t be dealing with your shit right now.”

I didn’t even realize my hand was raised until it came across my mother’s face with a hard clap. She fell backwards into the grass and I lurched toward her, my body no longer my own. Profanities screamed from my lips, but I didn’t know what I was saying. I may as well have been speaking a different language, foreign even to myself. The years of anger, hurt, and fear poured out of me all at once and I reached for her— not my mother but this monster that claimed to be her. I wanted nothing more than to tear her to pieces. Jagged little pieces, fragments of herself, until she was just like me.

Hands came out of nowhere, grabbing my arms and pulling me away from her. I struggled against them, but the two orderlies’ grips tightened as they mumbled soothing words that I didn’t hear.

My mother stared up at me, horrified, but unpitying. Another orderly helped her to her feet, but her eyes never left mine.

“Miss, I think it’s best you go.” One of the men next to me said. I nodded, still feeling as if I wasn’t in my own body. I didn’t want to leave like this, but it wasn’t as if my mother cared. She never had. Just like when I was seven, just like when I was thirteen. I’d never mattered to her. That was always clear.

The orderlies loosened their grip on my arm and I turned for the parking lot, attempting to reign in the anger charging through me. Inside my car, I fixed my hair and put some make up on to tone down the redness on my cheek. I sat there for a couple minutes, staring at the building and the impeccably manicured garden. If she didn’t want to stay here any more, fine. But after today she could be damn sure the next time she needed money, she wouldn’t be getting any from me. I was done with her. She could drop dead for all I cared.

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

Under My Skin

My fist banged against Darren’s door, frantic. God, I hoped he was home. The thud of his feet hitting the floor came and I let out my breath in a sharp whoosh. I was supposed to go to the shop, but I couldn’t after the fight with my mother and after last night with Ian. It was too much. Everything was too much. I just wanted to forget right now. I needed to forget.

“Hey Shayne, what are you doing over—” I cut Darren off with my lips as soon as he swung the door open. Not missing a beat, his arms came around me, picked me up, and he slammed me against the wall. Throwing one shoulder back, Darren pushed the front door shut and carried me to the living room. “What’s wrong?” He asked once he’d lowered me onto the sofa. I averted my gaze from the deep concern lingering in his.

“Not right now, please.” I pulled at the front of his shirt, desperate and pleading. That only seemed to trouble him further, but he didn’t push it. He pulled his shirt off so that he was only in a pair of jeans and held himself above me so he was straddling my hips.

“What do you need from me, Shayne?” Darren’s finger brushed my cheek and he frowned at the scratches my mother had left. I was sure he could tell I’d been crying too from the blotchiness on my cheeks.

“I just need to forget.” I closed my eyes, still not able to look at him. “Please.”

His lips came down on mine, gentle at first, but he knew that wasn’t what I needed and quickly deepened the kiss. I tangled my fingers into his hair and his tongue darted past my lips, searching for mine. My mother’s words were still sharp as a razor and it did nothing to dull the sting. I wrapped my legs around Darren’s hips and he responded, pressing his himself against me. Still, the pain resurfaced and so did the tears.

“Shayne…” Darren hooked a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

I shook my head and buried my face against his bare chest. “I just want to forget. Please!”

He pulled back, his stormy eyes filled with worry. I peered up at him through misty eyes and traced my fingers over his angular jaw. “Please, Darren—Sir. Please. I just need to forget. Spank me, flog me, fuck me, do whatever you want! But just make me forget!”

Darren blinked at me, taken aback by my words. Not waiting for a reaction, I kissed him, hard enough to knick the inside of my lip. I ignored the pain and pulled him down to me. I knew he was worried, but talking about it only made it real. He let out a groan and his tongue darted into my mouth once more. His hand slid under my shirt and I tried to lose myself in the feel of his touch, but it didn’t help. Darren pulled away again, this time sitting up completely.

“Shayne, stop this! You’re shaking. Tell me what happened.” He hauled me up so that I was on his lap and cradled me against his chest. I laughed, letting my hair fall in my face. I still couldn’t look at him.

“She wished she’d aborted me.”

Darren let out a deep sigh and ran his fingers through my hair, not saying a word. He knew what I’d gone through with my mother, he’d seen how horrible she could be. He didn’t offer any comforting words. He knew just as well as I did that she wasn’t getting any better. I’d blinded myself from the truth long ago, thinking somehow I could fix her. But she’d never wanted to be fixed in the first place. Just liked she’d never wanted me. He traced a finger over the scratches on my cheek thoughtfully, waiting for me to continue.

“I confronted her about Paul…and she slapped me.”

At that Darren’s features darkened and his jaw tightened, straining the muscles in his neck. He knew all about Paul. He’d paid him a visit once on my account. I didn’t know about it until he’d come back to the apartment with bloody knuckles one night.

“I hit her too. When she said what she did.”

“Good. She deserved it. Fucking bitch.” He reached toward the ashtray on the table and grabbed a joint, lighting it then holding it out to me. I took a long hit, closed my eyes, and tried to calm my nerves. “You know, it’s not your responsibility to take care of her. I told you before, she’s only nice to you when she wants something from you, when she needs money.”

“I know. She told me she wants to leave treatment. If she does I’m not giving her anything.”

“Good. It’s not right what she puts you through after all the things you’ve done to help her and after what she’s let happen to you.” Darren’s scowl deepened as he thought over his words. “Some people are toxic. You don’t need them in your life, Shayne. People like her.”

I didn’t say anything. I knew he was right, but she was still my mother. Something in me still cared about her and worried about her, even if she didn’t care about me. Darren pushed my hair back, kissed my bared collarbone, and the ghost of smile crossed my lips.

“You know I’m right. I remember how bad off you were when I met you. I never want to see you that way again.”

“I know.” I said. His hands caressed my hips and lower back and I relaxed against him, letting him pull my shirt over my head. The thoughts of my mother had quieted some, though my heart still felt heavy. He kissed my lips once more in an attempt to quiet them further and I kissed him back.

“You said you wanted to forget. I’ll help you forget.” He said. His voice was soothing. It covered me like a blanket. Since I’d known Darren he’d always been that way. Protecting me, helping me, teaching me. He was the closest to family I’d ever had aside from my grandmother. “Lay back, relax, and close your eyes.” He whispered, tenderly coaxing me back down onto the sofa.

I did as he told me and lay down across the sofa, letting the weight of the day’s events flow out of me. His hands splayed across my stomach and slowly dragged down to my shorts. I lifted my hips for him and he tugged them off along with my panties, tossing them on the floor. I reached down for him but he shook his head at me. I closed my eyes once more, focusing on his touch. He massaged my thighs and I let them fall open against the cool leather of the sofa.

“You’re one of the strongest, most beautiful, and talented women I know, Shayne. Don’t let anyone make you feel any less than that. Ever.” He said, planting a trail of soft kisses up my inner thigh. Two fingers slid inside me, slow and gentle as he ran his tongue up to my clit. It wasn’t the same as when Kieran touched me, but Darren and I always had a special chemistry between us and I was able to enjoy his touch. I was able to forget the heartbreak I felt, if only for a little while.

It was a day later and somehow I had ended up in New York. When I left Kendall, I drove for hours, not really going anywhere. I’d finally seen her for who she really was, I’d finally left. Eventually, I ended up at a ticket counter in LAX, debating where I should go. I thought about going back to Rhode Island, going back to see Shayne and apologizing, but I couldn’t do that. It had been a few weeks. How would that look to her?

Things didn’t work out, so I came crawling back like the asshole I was? No, I couldn’t do that. She deserved better. I’d been with Kendall since high school. Maybe it was best I spend some time on my own, at least until I got through the divorce. As vindictive as Kendall could be, it might get messy and drawn out. Well, if I didn’t have the proof I did about her cheating and lying.

I’d always liked New York. I’d only been there once before on a book signing tour, but I had a friend out there I could crash with. So the decision was made. I bought a one-way ticket to New York and left Kendall and California far in the rearview. Maybe one day I’d see Shayne again and we could start over. If not, it was probably best for her.

I fell asleep on the flight and woke as we were descending into JFK airport. Once I was outside the airport, I texted my agent Bryce. A few minutes later he messaged back and I caught a cab to his place. I knew he’d be accommodating considering the offer on the table. We’d talked about shopping my first book around and seeing if someone might be interested in making it a film but I’d never dreamed that someone would. Despite everything that happened, I found myself smiling at the thought.

“Kier.” He grinned when I arrived at his place. “No luggage?”

“No. I just left.” I shrugged and walked inside. “I brought what was important at least.” I held up my messenger bag that contained my laptop.

“I’m sorry about Kendall, man.”

I laughed. “I’m not. Got anything ta drink?”

He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, returning a minute later with two beers.

“So, you two going to divorce?”

“Yeah. I already got a lawyer on it.”

Bryce sat across from me, a crease forming between his brows. “So, what are you going to do about the rights?”

“Sign it. She won’t be able to touch it after what she did. She should consider herself lucky I’m giving her anything.” A bitter laugh left my lips. I really was blind not to see the real her sooner.

Bryce shook his head and took a long draw from his bottle. “You’re a hell of a lot nicer than I would be in that situation.”

“If it will get rid of her faster, that’s all I really care about.”

“I’ll set up a meeting so we can finalize everything. So, are you going to move out here now? Not like you won’t be able to afford it.”

I looked up at Bryce as he pulled himself off the couch across from me. “Honestly, I have no idea yet.”

The thought itself was a little freeing, but really there was only one thing I wanted to do, one place I wanted to go. The one place I knew I couldn’t go.

“I should get going. I told Liam I’d be at the shop hours ago, and I’m supposed to meet up with Ian tonight.”

Darren lifted himself up on an elbow and I slipped out from the covers.

“Ian, eh? How did your date with him go? I’m guessing okay since you’re seeing him again.” He waggled an eyebrow at me. I wrestled with my bra, finally managing to get it clasped, then looked at him.

“I don’t know. He’s a nice guy and all, and the sex was nice…but there was just something missing.”