Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (20 page)

The following Sunday, he and Jaime took their dirty clothes to Jaime’s house as usual. Levi was supposed to get his massage that day, too, and he was definitely looking forward to it, not because his back was bothering him, but because he loved having Jaime touch him. But the massage wasn’t meant to be.

Levi was digging in the fridge, thinking he needed to start bringing beer over on Sundays when Jaime came in from the front porch with his mail from the day before.

“Bills, bills, junk,” he recited as he flipped through it. “What’s this?” He stopped short, and when he spoke again, his voice was shaky. “Oh God.”

What he saw stopped him dead in his tracks. Jaime was on the other side of the kitchen, leaning against the counter in the corner. He was wearing his reading glasses, which Levi saw so seldom he still sometimes forgot they existed at all. Jaime was staring down at an envelope in his hand, his face deathly white. His hand was shaking so hard the envelope seemed to vibrate.

Jaime didn’t answer him, but tore open the envelope, dropping everything else on the floor as he did. He pulled out a yellow sheet of stationary and began to read. His eyes flew across the page. When he was finished, he bent over, putting his hands on his knees and breathing deep. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Jaime didn’t answer. He shrank into himself, sliding down the cabinets until he was sitting on the floor. He put his head between his knees and his arms over his head.

He reached out to touch Jaime’s shoulder, but Jaime flinched away from him. “Don’t touch me!”
“Jaime, talk to me.”
Jaime curled tighter in on himself, curled practically in a ball. “Leave me alone,” he begged. “Go away.”
“Who’s the letter from, Jaime?” Jaime offered no answer. Levi was quickly going from concerned to downright scared. He was afraid Jaime was going into shock. “I won’t touch you,” he said, “but I want to help.”
“You can’t,” Jaime whispered. “Go away, please.”
Levi debated what he should do. He thought about snatching the letter out of Jaime’s hand and reading it himself, but he knew that wouldn’t be right. He had no idea how to comfort Jaime without touching him. He wished they’d never come to Jaime’s house. He wished they’d stayed at his apartment.
And suddenly, he knew what Jaime needed. “I’ll be back,” he told Jaime. “Will you be okay? I’ll be gone fifteen minutes, max.”
No response from Jaime at all. Visions of the scars on Jaime’s wrist floated into Levi’s mind. He hoped he was making the right choice.
“Jaime, promise me you won’t do anything. Promise you’ll wait for me to get back.”
“Just go,” Jaime said, not looking up.
Levi drove like a maniac. The farther he got from Jaime’s house, the more his imagination ran away from him. He imagined going back to find Jaime lying in a pool of blood or with an empty bottle of pills in his hand. He worried he never should have left, but it seemed foolish to turn back now. He raced up the stairs to his apartment, where Dolly napped on the couch, and then drove even faster back to Jaime’s house, praying the entire time he wouldn’t get pulled over or be too late.
Jaime was still sitting on the kitchen floor when he got back. It looked as if he hadn’t moved an inch. But when Dolly sniffed him, wagging her tail and nudging him with her nose, he looked up. She butted her head under his chin, sitting down almost on top of him.
Jaime laughed. It was a sad, hollow laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless. He wrapped his arms around her. “Hi, Dolly,” he said. “You’re such a good dog.” And then he buried his face in her fur and burst into tears.

Levi waited in the living room. The silent withdrawal had scared him to death, but now Jaime was crying, Levi knew he’d be okay. He turned on the TV. Luck was with him, and Syfy was showing another horrible made-for-TV monster movie. Levi turned the volume up. Jaime needed his space right now, but Levi wanted him to know he was still there.

Sure enough, Jaime eventually wandered in. His eyes were red, but his cheeks were dry. He sat down next to Levi, although he couldn’t meet his eyes. He seemed to be debating what to say. Levi turned off the TV and waited patiently.

“Something happened to me,” Jaime said at last, his voice shaky and weak. “When I was young. Something…” He put his head down, squeezing his eyes tight against tears that wouldn’t be stopped.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Levi said as gently as he could. He’d had his suspicions before and he didn’t need the details to confirm them. “When was this?”

“I was just a kid.”
“Who was it?”
“My uncle.”
Levi fought back the horrible rage welling up in him—it wasn’t

Jaime nodded, still unable to meet Levi’s eyes. “He has emphysema. He apparently has only a few weeks to live.” Jaime wiped his eyes and sat up a little straighter. “He might even be dead already. Who knows?”

“What did he want?”
“My
forgiveness,
” he said. “Now he’s about to die, he thinks it’s time we ‘bury the hatchet.’ He says he’s confessed his sins and made his peace with God, but the priest told him he needed to apologize to me. He says
God
has forgiven him, but he needs
me
to forgive him as well.”
“What are you going to do?” Levi asked.
“He can burn in hell,” Jaime said with far more bitterness than Levi had ever heard from him. “I don’t give a fuck.”
“I don’t think he can expect to be forgiven for what he did.”
“I don’t know, Levi,” Jaime said, and his voice broke on the words. He looked up at him with anguish in his eyes. “Will I go to hell, too?” he asked.
“Why would you?”
“Because,” Jaime said, and now the tears were coming again, faster this time, “I’m supposed to forgive, but I can’t. I
won’t!
”
It broke Levi’s heart to see Jaime tearing himself up over some selfish bastard who had already done so much damage. Levi reached for him slowly. Jaime didn’t stop him, and when Levi took his hand and pulled, Jaime came to him willingly. He buried his face in Levi’s chest and sobbed. Levi wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. “It’s okay,” he told him. “Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s okay. You can hate him. You can be angry. It’s okay to have all those feelings.”
“I don’t want to forgive him!”
“I don’t blame you.”
“How can
God
forgive him?” Jaime asked through his tears. “How can
I
be the sinner? How can I be the one who’s wrong?”
“You’re not,” Levi said, rocking him a little, rubbing his back. “You’re not.” He thought about what he could say to make Jaime feel better. The only thing he had was his own faith. “I don’t know how it all works, Jaime, but I’ll tell you what I was taught. In my church, salvation comes from work and repentance, not from grace. You can’t lead a life of sin up until the end and then suddenly be forgiven just because you see your judgment bearing down on you. Having regret isn’t enough. You need to have true repentance and sorrow in your heart. And I could be wrong, but I don’t think your uncle does. He’s sorry now, only because he fears having to face God, but I think God will look into his heart and see he’s still the same man he always was.”
“And what about me?”
“I think right now God would look into your heart and he would see you’re still the same scared little boy you were back then.” Jaime cried harder, and Levi stroked his hair. “You won’t always be. Even now, you’re usually not.”
“You’re saying I should forgive him, too,” Jaime accused.
“No. I’m saying God knows your heart. And I think he understands.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” Levi said. Because he believed a God who would judge Jaime more harshly than the uncle who had abused him wouldn’t have been much of a God at all.
He held Jaime as he cried, until the tears wound down. He hated that Jaime’s uncle had caused Jaime so much pain, but he couldn’t deny how good it felt to be close to Jaime. Never before had Jaime’s defenses been so low he’d allow Levi to hold him. Levi stroked his hair and his back, and sometimes kissed the red curls on top of his head. He felt Jaime’s breathing start to slow.
“Levi”—he sighed—“I’m so tired. I really want to sleep now.”
“Go ahead, baby,” Levi said. “I’ll be right here.”
Levi felt Jaime’s arms steal around his waist, and his heart seemed to skip a beat. “Thank you for getting Dolly for me.”
“You’re welcome,” Levi told him. And for the first time, but Levi hoped not the last, Jaime fell sound asleep in his arms.

Jaime woke slowly. Oddly enough, the first thing he became aware of was the emptiness behind him. He seemed to be right on the edge of the bed, and if he tried to roll onto his back, he’d fall off. The second thing he realized was that somebody was holding him tight to keep him from falling. And it took only a heartbeat for him to know that person was Levi, not only because he knew Levi’s smell and the sound of his breathing, but because there was nobody else in the world it could possibly be.

He opened his eyes. He could see the hollow of Levi’s throat, but by turning his head a bit, he was able to get his bearings. He wasn’t on a bed at all. They were lying on his couch, stomach to stomach, with Levi’s strong arms around him.

He waited for panic to flare in his chest as it often did at physical contact, but it didn’t come. He felt good lying in Levi’s arms. Levi was warm and he smelled amazing. Jaime’s head was cushioned on Levi’s arm. Their legs were tangled together, Levi’s right leg lying over Jaime’s left. Jaime could tell by his breathing he was asleep.

Although his right arm was pinned slightly under Levi and between them, his left arm was free, draped over Levi’s waist. Levi’s shirt had ridden up a bit in the back, and Jaime could feel Levi’s smooth skin against his fingers. He could feel Levi breathing.

Jaime closed his eyes and tried to put a name to what he was feeling. He felt lazy, yet a bit restless. He felt content, but a tad on edge. He felt good, although somehow unsatisfied. He felt, he realized suddenly, unbelievably turned on. Levi’s body was tight against him. His neck was only a hairsbreadth from his lips. Levi’s leg was wedged tantalizingly against his groin. Without thinking, Jaime pushed. Not hard, only the tiniest shift against Levi’s firm thigh, but it felt amazing. Jaime’s breath caught in his throat. His heart hammered in his chest. His extremely erect dick ached for more.

And Levi slept on.
Jaime moved his free hand slowly up Levi’s back and then down his side, exploring smooth skin over firm muscles he already knew by heart from the massage table. He put his lips against Levi’s throat. Part of him knew he should stop, but he couldn’t make himself obey. In the past, he’d often felt ashamed of his desires, but there was no shame in wanting to touch Levi. After all, who in the world
wouldn’t
want to touch Levi?
He tried not to push against Levi’s thigh, but he wasn’t sure he succeeded. He parted his lips against Levi’s smooth throat, and he tasted Levi’s skin. It was salty, of course, but somehow, the feel of flesh against the tip of his tongue was incredibly arousing. He wanted more. He tilted his head back an inch and felt Levi’s Adam’s apple against his lips.
He froze there, his groin aching, his tongue tasting, his head swimming. As simple as it was, it was, without a doubt, the most erotic moment of his life. With a little more pressure, a few gentle grinds, he could almost have come. Never before had he been so close to another man, so close he could feel Levi’s breathing. He could smell him and touch him, and push himself against Levi’s thigh. So close he could feel…
He could feel Levi push back.
It was subtle, and he suspected Levi hadn’t meant it to happen any more than Jaime had the first time. But now he realized he wasn’t the only one who was turned on. He wasn’t the only one pushing. He wasn’t the only one whose slow exhalations were almost moans. Levi’s groin pushed against him, his erection obvious against Jaime’s hip.
Fear blossomed in his chest. Somehow, with Levi asleep, he’d been able to get around it. Now he felt his heart start to pound with something other than arousal.
Jaime felt Levi’s arms tighten around him. He felt Levi kiss his temple. He would only need to tip his head back to feel those lips kiss him for real.
“Baby, please don’t stop,” Levi whispered. “We can go as slow as you want, but please,
please,
don’t stop.”
The fear in Jaime’s chest exploded into something almost like panic. “I can’t,” he choked out, hating how he was suddenly ready to cry.
Again.
“I can’t do this.”
“Shh,” Levi soothed, stroking his hair and his back. “You’re doing fine.”
“I can’t,” Jaime said again.
“Why not?”
Why not?
It was a good question. Because the truth was, underneath his crippling fear, Jaime didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep touching Levi. And there was nothing wrong with that. Rationally, Jaime knew that was true. In fact, it would have been strange not to want Levi. He was gorgeous, confident and unbelievably sexy. His gaze sometimes sent shivers up Jaime’s spine, and his smile made Jaime weak in the knees. And here he was, holding Jaime tight, begging him to touch him more.
“I’m scared.”
“Of me?”
“No!”
Levi was quiet for a moment before he asked gently, “Because of your uncle?”
It all came back in a flash—his uncle and the letter, and the reason he was here in Levi’s arms at all—and before he could do anything to stop himself, he was crying again, ashamed and frightened and embarrassed and completely unable to stop.
Because of his uncle.
It was because of his uncle he was damaged, and it was because he was damaged that he couldn’t have Levi. He could never have what other men had. He could never expect any man to deal with his fears and his neurosis, let alone Levi, who lived for sex and surfing and nothing else in the world. It was ridiculous. Levi had already given him so much. It was selfish to expect him to give more, when Jaime had absolutely nothing he could give in return. But how could he say it all to Levi?
“Baby, it’s okay,” Levi told him, holding him tight. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m such a mess, Levi. I’m an emotional basket case. I’m afraid of everything. I can’t even sleep in my own bed!”
“You’re doing fine—”
“I’m not doing fine! I’m a wreck! I’m worse than a kid! Why do you put up with me at all?”
It was a ridiculous, childish question, born of frustration more than anything. But Levi didn’t hesitate. He tightened his grip around Jaime and said, “Because I love you.”
The gentle sincerity in his voice only made Jaime cry harder. “No, you don’t. You’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“I love you, Jaime. I know you can’t believe me right now, but it’s true. I love you so much, and I have for so long. I don’t know how you can’t know it.” He laughed. “My whole family knows, Jaime. Even my mom. I don’t know how you can’t have guessed.”
“No, you don’t,” Jaime said. “You can’t.”
Levi laughed again. “I don’t think that’s a decision you get to make.”
Levi’s words made no sense, but they gave him something to hang onto. Something to concentrate on while he calmed himself down. Levi loved him? Since when? How could that be?
Jaime thought back over evenings spent together on Levi’s couch, and nights spent in Levi’s bed. He thought back to the morning Levi had come home so angry, and about how sorry Levi had been afterward. He’d left the club. Jaime hadn’t understood. He thought of Ruth asking him if Levi still had sex with lots of men. He thought of Caleb laughing and saying, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. “You quit your job for me?”
“I couldn’t work there and be the person you deserve.”
Which meant Levi really was celibate right now. Because of Jaime. “But I can’t…” He fought hard to keep from crying again. “I can’t have sex with you.”
“Shh, Jaime. I don’t care about that.”
“
You
don’t care about sex?” Jaime asked, torn between laughter and bitterness.
Levi sighed. “I’m not going to lie to you. I want you so much, sometimes it’s all I can do to keep my hands to myself. But I swore I’d be patient. I swore I’d wait and wouldn’t pressure you.” He kissed Jaime’s head again. “I’ve been trying to be good. I’m sorry I pressured you just now.”
It was still hard to get his head around it. But he knew whatever had just happened, it wasn’t Levi’s fault. “You didn’t,” Jaime said. “I started it.” Levi didn’t answer, just continued to hold him and comfort him. “I wish I could finish it. But it scares me so much.”
“I understand.”
He meant it, too. That was what amazed Jaime the most. Levi really did understand, as much as anyone could who hadn’t been through it himself.
Jaime lay there in Levi’s arms for what felt like ages, trying to make sense of it. His right arm began to fall asleep and his bladder started to complain. But he was reluctant to move. He was reluctant to leave the warmth of Levi’s embrace. He was scared to have to look him in the eyes again. He was afraid he might have ruined everything. He tried to imagine how things might be different or awkward between them now. “Levi?”
“What?”
“Can I still stay with you tonight?”
“You can stay with me every night, Jaime. Nothing’s changed. We’ll finish the laundry when you’re ready. We’ll get Dolly and we’ll go home. I’ll order pizza with loads and loads of mushrooms for you. And we’ll watch some god-awful movie on Syfy until you fall asleep. And then I’ll put you to bed.”
Jaime tightened his arms around Levi. He kissed his neck once, allowing his lips to linger there for only a second. “And what about this?”
“I’ll wait, Jaime. Whenever you’re ready.”
“What if I never am?”
Levi shrugged. “It’s a chance I’m willing to take.”