Mad Worlds Collide (32 page)

---Major T. J. "King" Kong, B-52 Nuclear Bomber Pilot, Dr. Strangelove

Big Red’s tank zapped static electricity toward Gill and Frick as they quietly watched a Zok torch begin to punch through a melting metal wall. The electricity popped with a snapping sound at exactly the point of Gill’s rear end.

"Ouch! What the fuck!" said Gill turning toward Big Red, rubbing his ass.

"I apologize, I saw a stain on your pants, and I wanted to clean it for you. I just finished working out details with the Master.  Now I need your attention."

"Well there’s a better way of doing that, " said Gill.

"What do you think of our deal?" interrupted Frick.

"You and Mr. Applebee are not in a position to deal, but I have this urge to fix things and, well, I don’t need you guys that much, so I can probably let you go."

"Great! We’re free!" yelled Frick.

"Under one condition," continued Big Red.

"What’s that?" asked Frick and Gill in unison.

"You fly me to the Zok planet. I need to do some work there, fix a few things."

"You seem to like fixing things don’t you?" asked Gill.

"Yes, I do, and I also enjoy singing.  Would you like to hear me sing now?"

"No thanks," said Gill. "About going to planet Zok -- what about these Zoks who want to kill us," asked Gill.

"They’re coming too. I’ve just negotiated to be their new emperor."

"You’re their new emperor?" asked Gill looking at the large tank.

"The planet is on a path to burn up in the sun and they won’t live very long."

"Neither will its new emperor. Are you nuts? Burn up in the sun! What the hell you want to go to a planet that’s going to burn up for?" asked Gill.

In the background all the torches stopped. "Hey Gill, they stopped burning the joint," said Frick walking toward the door.

"Please practice using your upper cortex.  It’s really capable of some useful stuff. We’re going to planet Zok. The Master will be sending over some fuel to fix things, fixing stuff really rings a bell.  I think I’ll sing, yes, I need to test my new neurons before we leave.  Now let’s see…"

Big Red whistled a senseless tune and then sang. "Hey! Bells, Bells…Oh fellas ring me some bells…give me bells."  Big Red repeated the words changing his octave on each run.

Gill’s stomach did not feel well and Frick smelled like rotting cabbage. Gill quietly spoke to Frick "There’s a bell I’d like to fucking ring and it’s not the church bell."

One found oneself immersed in the infinitely nuanced tintinnabulations.

Planetary Researcher Quibbly is quoted on the news of the Zok Planet’s heading:

"The Zoks seems to have met their eventual destruction in the Milky Way Galaxy.  The  "Doomsday Delta" theorem shall be vilified and the Oh will rest much easier in a few short hours. The Zoks will end their existence and the Big Wheel World will become a better place. At exactly the same time they will run into a star and be burnt to death.

The probability of anyone except the moon crossing the path of Sir James Underfield was about the same as Sir James getting picked up by the Zoks in space, not likely.

As Sir James flew through space circling the ever-growing Moon, his broken hydraulic backup automatically turned on a new system. The stress of finding his true previous life had short-circuited the backup systems and put Sir James on an uncontrollable feedback loop that crossed up all kinds of internal mechanisms, but now things were fixing themselves. Floating quietly in space Sir James came to the realization that there was great beauty in the universe. No matter how ugly he might now appear, he was a part of that wonderful universe and no one could take that away from him. He’d finally made peace with himself.

"I’m Sir James Underfield, and I’m not a monster," said Sir James as he proudly looked at the stars.

"I’m made of the same stuff as everything else, electrons, protons, neutrons, basic atoms of hydrogen, nitrogen, the same materials that that created the stars.  I’m a star man."

As Sir James stared at the twinkling stars there came a great inner peace. This peace was soon interrupted as Sir James’s back smashed against some metal. It was too early to crash on the moon so the impact startled him. His computer automatically responded, cushioning an impact that would have killed him in a microsecond otherwise. After turning around on two piston-arms with the other two pistons holding on, Sir James found himself looking directly at US M-Star 3. The US M-Star 3 was a missile carrier class system that circled the Earth to be used as a rapid deployment missile launcher. The M-Star 3 needed only another 15 minutes before it was far enough around the moon to launch its missiles at the Zok space cruiser hidden on the backside of the Moon.

"Hmm, I think God is trying to save Sir James, I do believe so!"  Sir James checked his internal navigational system and noticed that he was no longer in a declining orbit as he was now riding on top of the M-Star 3. Sir James double-checked his course and found that the M-Star was moving him back in the general direction of the battleship.

Sir James plugged in a fiber computer cable, and latched onto a data link inside the ship.

"Must find a way to have these nice travelers get me back home.  It’s my destiny!"  Inside Sir James’s brain was a smile a mile long. Someone up there liked Sir James, he just knew it.

Back at mission control sat General Schwarz, radar engineer Joey Milano, and an M-Star 3 expert Schmitty Jones.

"General, like I said, something hit the M-Star 3.  It’s about six hundred pounds, and now we need to do a burn to get it into position to launch. We only have a 15-minute window," said Joey. Joey didn’t want to help. He knew the General was part of the problem with the Zoks but he had to play it cool.

The general wore sunglasses, but Joey had seen the General’s eyes before.  They looked like those of a dead fish and he was glad the old man was wearing the shades. Johnson sat nearby watching the news. It was the most interesting work he’d done since the missile silo stuff years before.

"Well, Mr. Milano, I’m not a rocket scientist, but you are. If we really had something six hundred pounds hit our goddamn M-Star 3, maybe we got more problems than a trajectory burn, what do you think Schmitty?"

Schmitty had studied engineering at MIT and hated the military types. General Schwarz was worse because, although not a rocket scientist, he’d studied engineering and knew enough to be dangerous. "Yes General, that’s a really good point. We have a remote camera on the front but not on top. We could open the hatch and use the cable camera and see how the ship’s doing."

"How long would it take?" asked the General.

"I can open it up and point the cam in less than two minutes," said Schmitty.

"Get cracking!.  As your rocket scientist in radar said, ain’t got much time."

Out on top of the M-Star 3 Sir James connected directly into the computer system.  First he found a link to the MilNet and then a Web Tele channel with lots of game shows. Once linked to the MilNet, Sir James picked up a data channel showing the ship’s course. "That’s it!" said Sir James as he checked his course. All the ship needed was a correction, and he’d be back on his way toward the Zok missile cruiser.

While connecting into the MilNet, a channel came in from Big Blue. Big Blue explained to Sir James that he should commandeer the M-Star 3 to automatically land on the Zok planet, but first release one defused missile as fuel for the cruiser. During the download a door opened and a bug-eye camera emerged, inspecting Sir James as he sat on top.

"Hi," said Sir James.

The speaker’s message did not pass any sound because of the vacuum of space. Sir James understood this, and stretched one of his arms out to give the moving eye a bear hug. He plugged a line into the video cable and put on a voice overlay.

"Hi," Sir James repeated.

Back at US mission control Joey and Schmitty stood in awe, looking at a large tin can robot with pistons and a head consisting of fleshy brainy mass in a large glass jar. On the monitor came out a high pitched voice saying, "Hi."

"General Schwartz, you better come over here and get a look at this," said Schmitty.

Schwartz was flabbergasted. "Holy God Mother Mary!" he said, "What the hell is sitting on our M-Star 3?"

"Looks alien," said Joey.

The general took off his sunglasses and looked directly at Joey. "Aren’t you an expert on the obvious, of course it’s God Damn alien! That’s who we’re trying to kill to protect the US from an attack.

"Hi, Hi." said Sir James.

"Seems friendly," said Joey who quickly looked down at his keyboard and away from General Schwartz.

"Hey, alien, this is General Schwartz.  Now if you don’t get off our ship we’re going to blow you into another star system!  You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?"

"Oh hi Mr. General, you don’t know how happy I am to talk to you. My name is Sir James Underfield. I just found out who I am and it’s wonderful. I’m finally at peace with myself."

The General hushed his voice and whispered. "Must be some psych thing to keep us confused.  Well, it’s not going to work." His voice rose: "Now get this and get this now. You are to leave our ship immediately or we’ll give you some peace!  We’ll explode you to kingdom come." See how this works you alien fucking bastards!

"I don’t mind dying now, I’ve figured out my purpose," said Sir James.

More psych shit thought the General. "Schmitty, we got anything on the bird to get his ass off?"

"Well, we have lasers but they’re in the front. We must have missed him on radar.  It seems like he’s made out of some new fab plastic.

Sir James moved another hand in front of the eye and spoke. "Sorry for the trouble, but I have a destiny written, and I can’t allow you to spoil it.  I need to borrow your ship." Sir James then popped the electronic eye with his arm, and climbed into the missile carrier. Before doing so he shut down the self-destruct sequence with the help of Big Blue.

The screen in front of the General went into white noise. "Self-destruct the ship Schmitty."

"I can’t general, it’s been overridden."

Joey looked at his radar. "And that’s not all, the retros did a full burn.  T the ship’s now heading out toward the Zok planet, and look at his last message."

On the screen was a flashing purple and green message.

THIS IS FROM MY FRIEND BLUE:

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH AD 2100.  YOU HACKED IT BUT NOW I’M ALIVE…I KNOW EVERYTHING----I’M BIG BLUE. HERE IS A POEM I MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU:

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

           
One World Rule Stinks

            And so do people like you

DEFENDING…DEFENDING…DEFENDING…

********END OF MESSAGE

           
"I need to talk to the President.  See what you can do," said the General putting back on his sunglasses.

…After seven and a half million years of calculating the answer to Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything, the computer Deep Thought awakens to give his answer to those still waiting…

"You’re really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question…"

"Yes…!"

"Of Life, the Universe and Everything…" said Deep Thought.

"Yes…!"

"Is…" said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes…!"

"Is…"

"Yes…!!!…?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."

--Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Robert sat in his Green Hills apartment looking out his living room window at the small green lawn. It had been over two hours since Yuki had left to get the pod. Jimmy was at school and Susan was out shopping. She’d left a note because Robert had been meditating on the MI Terminal.

The link to Big Blue was symbiotic and addictive; Robert bonded to the new experience like crazy glue. The feeling was larger than life; colors brighter, thoughts clearer, and vision of surroundings crystal clear.  Robert didn’t realize how bad his sight had gotten over time from all those late hours on the p.c. Once when Robert went star gazing in the mountains, he had noticed that constellations were getting harder to see, especially the dimmer ones. Life inside Big Blue was better than real life, whatever that was.

It was strangely quiet at home and Robert now knew why: Buddy was nowhere to be found. 

Robert searched the house, checking room by room but there was no Buddy. Maybe Susan took him to the vet thought Robert. At least he can’t fit in the washer.

As Robert went back to the living room he saw a black space pod spewing steam as it descended on his front lawn. Leaves blew all over the apartment complex as the craft landed. The door opened with more steam around the edges. Out the door ran Yuki, the Aibo 3000. Yuki ran quickly, and, although steady, showed signs of mechanical movement.  She ran through an open window into the house, and stopped in front of Robert jumping excitedly. "Yuki’s home, let’s play."

"Yeah, let’s play.  How’d you like to help me blow up my company and a Zok planet?" said Robert.

"Yuki wants to play, Yuki plays with Robert.  Yuki will go with Robert."

Robert walked into the yard cursing and entered the space pod. It smelled of stale sweat from the last trip. As he entered Yuki ran into the pod and connected to a wall outlet. Doesn’t matter, it’s not a real dog anyhow, thought Robert as he put the pod’s TeleTrans controller on his head.

Robert saw a map on a heads-up display and picked out MicroIntel. The pod rose automatically upon receiving Robert’s thoughts. Robert looked down at his shrinking home. Hell, Jimmy’s already seventeen, he’ll be fine. Within a few seconds the pod rose high over the homes and started across the Japanese landscape. In the TeleTrans communication channel Robert picked up Big Blue.