Loving Her (13 page)

I was shaking as I tried to order food and act normally. Bella was unaffected, having no idea what I’d seen. I must say, she was clever and sneaky. I thought I could read my child, but I didn’t have a clue how much she’d dug into Tucker.

As devastated as I was, I knew I had to tell Ty. This was something that couldn’t be avoided. I’d rather him find out from me than be shocked when or if she ever confronted him.

The most repulsive thing to me was knowing that while someone was taking that picture of me and Tucker, Ty was standing outside watching and waiting to be with us. The thing was, not only had Van taken pictures when she first came out, but Tyler had pictures with me at the hospital. The family made a big deal about him being there to help me deliver her. Bella couldn’t deny that he too had been there, like we’d always told her.

I knew she had a million questions, but for the life of me, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about it. I felt so sick, as if everything were falling apart in front of my eyes.

I wanted to cry my eyes out, but she sat there, like nothing was wrong. I have no idea what she was even saying to me, because that picture kept flashing in my mind, taking all of my concentration away from Bella.

This was going to destroy Ty. There was no way around it.

I picked at my food, knowing that I was about to break his heart. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, when I felt so sick to my stomach. This wasn’t just about Ty. It was about the whole family. Ty’s parents, our cousins, my mother and John had all kept the secret. The more she found out, the more it would crush her.

I tried to put myself in her shoes, but since Tucker was such a piece of shit, I couldn’t allow myself to feel pity over it.

I managed to keep a straight face, even for the whole ride home. When Bella jumped out of the car and went running in to show Mimi her new outfit, I put my head on the steering wheel and began to bawl. How was I supposed to be able to look my wonderful husband in the eyes and tell him what Bella had in her purse? It would destroy him.

Chapter 17

Tyler

I saw Izzy getting out of the car, but Miranda never got out. When she didn’t come in after a few more minutes, I knew something was wrong.

I made sure the boys were occupied before walking outside. She was crying so bad that she never noticed me standing outside the driver’s side door. I knocked on the window, causing her to jump. She opened the door and wiped away her tears. “Sorry, I just needed a minute.”

I crouched down to be eye level with her. “What happened?”

She shook her head and refused to say anything to me. The longer she went without talking, the more worried I became.

“Is it Izzy?”

She nodded.

“Is she okay?”

She nodded again, but my fears were being heightened by the second.

“Baby, please talk to me. What happened? You’re freaking me out.”

Miranda
cried harder. “I’m so sorry, babe. I tried so hard to cover it up. I didn’t know it was out there for her to find. I swear, I never knew someone put it in the paper.”

“What are you talking about?”
I was freaking out already.

She covered her face, wiped away her tears and looked straight ahead. “Bella went to the bathroom at the restaurant
, and while she was gone something fell out of her purse. I guess I shouldn’t have opened it, but with all that’s been goin’ on, I felt like I needed to know.” She turned and looked right at me. “Ty, she had a copy of a birth announcement with me and Tucker at the hospital. She must have found it on the internet, in the newspaper archives or somethin’. She’s eleven years old. I had no idea she’d do somethin’ like that. We’ll fix this. I don’t know how yet, but we will.”

I plopped down on the hard ground
, not able to keep my composure any longer. Just imagining my daughter seeing that paper and keeping it with her made me sick. No matter how much I wanted to believe that everything was going to be alright, I knew it wasn’t. “How the hell did she find that? She’s just a kid.”

“I don’t know. Kids are so smart now. They know how to use computers better than we do. I’m sur
e her and Noah stayed up lookin’ up Tucker’s name. God only knows what else she found.”

I didn’t mean to bring up someone else, but I thought about Colt, saying he didn’t want his son knowing what Van had to do. If they’d found this birth announcement, it was a good chance that they’d found a lot more, including the fact that Tucker had kidnapped Van and she’d killed him to get away. It had been all over the news and in every paper, especially considering how well know
n Colt was to the community. “Shit. What if they found out about Van, too? God, this is getting worse by the second.”

“I know.” She shook her head and bawled more. “It’s horrible. This is devastatin’. What are we goin’ to do, Ty?
How are we goin’ to convince her that it’s not true?”

I thought about Izzy, me, Van
, and everyone else that this lie was going to hurt. How much longer was I willing to wait to confront my daughter? Obviously, she was digging for answers. Did I really want her finding them from someone else, or was I ready to come clean and lay it all out on the line? The answer was obvious, although acknowledging it meant that I was also aware I could lose her love forever. “We’re not. We’re not going to tell any more lies. None of us deserve to live like this anymore. I’m not an idiot. Thinking I could just have her forever was a fantasy. I knew she’d find out.” I paused for a second and tried to compose myself enough to look at my wife. I wasn’t the only person that this was ripping apart. Miranda and I had talked a million times about how we wished Izzy was my real child. It never mattered to me, because in my heart, she was and would always be mine. It was easy for me to know that without doubt, but convincing someone that had been fed only lies was going to be harder. “It’s time to tell her the truth, Miranda.” I could feel the tears fighting their way out of my eyes. “I can’t keep telling myself that this is going to go away. After two days, it’s obvious she already knows more than we ever wanted her to. If I don’t talk to her it’s only going to be worse. We tried to get her to back off and she went behind our backs anyway. I don’t want her to be sneaky. I don’t want this to change her any more than it’s already going to. This has to stop now, before more people get hurt.”

“Ty, please. We promised that we’d take it to the grave. I won’t let you do this. She won’t understand.
I can’t let you risk it. I can’t let you hurt each other.” Miranda was pleading with me and that hurt me even worse. She was afraid of how this was all going to turn out, and without her optimism, I knew that the chance of Izzy forgiving me was slim.

“We’re already hurting each other. You think I like knowing that she’s on this mission to prove I’m not her father? God damn it, Miranda. I feel like she’s stabbing me in the fucking heart.
Every damn second since the other day, I haven’t been able to shake it. All I think about is her hating me. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t be in this limbo, wondering if she secretly hates me. I can’t eat and I don’t want to sleep. I’m done with it.”

She sobbed
, and I didn’t know how to comfort her, when I was sitting across from her falling apart. “This can’t be happenin’. We just got her out of the hospital. We’re supposed to be happy and celebrating her health. I don’t understand.”

I reached over and ran my hand through her hair.
“I’ll talk to her tonight.” My throat was burning, and it was impossible to hold back my emotions. I didn’t care if my wife saw me getting emotional. She knew more than anyone what Izzy meant to me. “Baby, no matter what happens, I won’t give up on being her father, even if she doesn’t want me anymore.” It was crushing me from the inside. Imagining my life without my beautiful little girl. Picturing her hating me and never wanting to trust me again was undeniably the worst feeling I’d ever experienced. We hadn’t even spoken, and I knew that part of my life was never going to be the same. Sure, she’d always be mine, but not having her return that love, after all that we’d been through, was unbearable.

I just sat there with my wife, thinking about her spar
kling eyes and the first time they’d looked up at me. I remember the first time she’d smiled and showed me her dimples. I thought about how she used to fall asleep on my chest and having her there made all of my problems disappear.

There were so many memories and I was about to reveal that each and every one of them would be tainted by a lie that none of us ever thought would be revealed.

“Ty, please. There has to be another way. I don’t want her knowin’ about him.”

“She already does. Whether we like it or not, she’s already found out too much. I’ve got to stop this, before it gets worse. Even if she hates me, at least she’ll know that I was the one to tell her the truth.
I owe her that.”

“I can talk to her.”
I knew she wanted to help, but this was my burden. I was the one who’d gone to drastic measures to make sure she would never have to know the truth. I was the one who falsified documents and risked my marriage to protect her.

“This is my conversation, not yours. All along, I’ve known this day might come. I knew there was always a chance she’d find out that I wasn’t her biological father.”

Miranda reached over and leaned her head against mine. “It’s just a label.”

“Kids don’t see it like that. All she’ll see is the lie. Every time she asks us a question, we’re digging ourselves into a deeper hole. This has to stop. I can’t keep adding to the list of reasons that she’ll hate me for.”

Miranda grabbed my face and made me look at her. “She’ll never hate you. She can’t. I won’t let that happen.”

“I know her better than anyone, baby. I’m scared too. It’s excruciating imagining that our special connection will be gone forever, all because I had to go out and buy that stupid fucking puppy.” I stood up, finally losing my temper.

Reluctantly, I walked away from my wife, unable to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to be alone, to think about how I was going to sit down and be able to find the words to plead my case to Izzy.

My years of lying to get by were over. I was tired of it lingering over my head. Whether I told her now, or later, it would always have the same result. The problem was that even though I knew I could wait, it had become apparent that it was going to eat me alive.

Izzy had the ability to make nothing else in my life matter. For some reason, when she needed me, I dropped everything to be at her beck and call. Knowing that proved without a doubt that I couldn’t wait any longer.

I found my way to the barn and sat down on the old couch. I had my face down pressed against my hands when I heard someone walking in. Since I’d been emotional, I really didn’t want to look up.

I felt the couch move beside me and turned to see Izzy sitting there. She had her hands folded and was looking down.

It hurt so much knowing what I had to do. I didn’t want to know how she’d found me, or if she’d been listening to me and her
mother arguing about what to do. Nothing mattered.

We were sitting there, alone and I couldn’t walk away.

I looked up into her eyes; those beautiful blue eyes that melted my heart. “I need to tell you something, Iz.”

“You’re not my real dad, are you?”

I guess there is a point in everyone’s life where they can remember the worst day of their lives. Maybe it’s when people’s lives are coming to an end, or even an accident that changed their lives forever. My moment was happening right before my eyes.

My throat ached, like it was fighting with my mind, begging me to stay quiet.
Warm tears ran down my face and she reached over and touched one.

I grabbed her hand and held it over my lips, while closing my eyes and memorizing the smell of her skin, as if it was going to be the last time she let me touch her. Finally, I knew she was waiting, so I opened my eyes and admitted the truth. “No, I’m not.”

Chapter 18

Miranda

In the time it took me to get myself together enough to make it inside of the house, I watched Ty go into the barn and Bella follow him.
So much was going through my mind.

I hated seeing him hurt and not being able to take away his pain. After all of our years together, the trials and tribulations, love, death, friendship and never giving up, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. His intentions, regarding our daughter had been out of devotion, not him being selfish, like he thought. It was hard convincing him otherwise, because Ty was always blaming himself for whatever was going wrong. I think that he felt like if the problem was on him, it would be easier to fix.

I looked at the barn, the place where we’d shared so many fun times. He was inside, by himself and in shambles.

He'd gone in there to be alone
, and I wasn't sure if she'd followed him out of curiosity or because she wanted to confront him.

As much as I wanted to be in there beside him, I could only make it to the barn door before her words made me freeze in place. She asked him if he was her father.