Loving Hearts (14 page)

“You will,” he agreed. “The more positive experiences you have, the more your anxiety will fade.” The words had deeper meaning for him. His feelings for Esther had secured themselves in his heart.

He tugged on the hem of her jacket. When she looked at him, he pointed to the seat and extended his arm for her to nestle beside him.

She grinned and sat in his embrace. “I know. And I can give my fears to God.” She paused, then added, “I hate to put a damper on today,” she said, “but I
had another unpleasant half hour with Rachel before you came.”

“That’s too bad.” He’d sensed something had happened, but no matter how unpleasant, he knew she’d gained a new resolve. Something had calmed her.

She told him what had happened—her father’s admission of wrong-thinking, but his determination to remain unchanged.

“We prayed,” Esther finished, “and I felt covered by a reassuring calm. I realized that God’s in charge. I can’t force things in my own direction, and neither can Rachel. It’s a simple concept, but one we Christians have a hard time accepting.”

Ian nodded. “I know exactly what you mean. I ask God for guidance, and then I strike out on my own, never waiting to listen.”

“We are stubborn children, aren’t we?” Esther said.

She quieted again, the only sound the splash of the water against the hull and an occasional cry of a seagull overhead. When Esther lifted her head, Ian saw a different look in her eyes. “As I prayed with Rachel, I asked God for forgiveness.” She shifted her body to face him. “I talked with her, Ian. I don’t want to ruin one of your last days out here on the lake, but I told Rachel about our charade.”

His pulse quickened as alarm trickled down his back. “How did she take it?”

“Better than I expected.”

“She wasn’t angry?”

Esther shrugged. “I think she was hurt more than
angry. But she did have a revelation. We’d upset each other trying to maneuver our own lives.” She ran her hand along the back of her neck. “Now I don’t know what will happen with Jeff.”

“You mean when she tells him?”

“When she tells him she’s not doing anything without God’s direction.”

Ian understood her concern. Jeff didn’t seem the type who had a close relationship with the Lord. He was a believer, Ian was sure, but his rash, hyperactive spirit didn’t make him seem like one who’d wait on God’s bidding. “I can see why you’re concerned,” he said, realizing the conversation had set up the perfect opening for his confession.

Adjusting the sail into the wind, he felt the boat slow as the wind left the mainsail with a snap and flutter. He shifted to face her more directly and took her hand.

Seeming surprised, she jerked her head upward and a look of confusion settled on her face.

“I might have a solution for this whole situation,” Ian said, hoping his timing had been directed by the Lord and was not another of his own bad decisions.

“A solution?”

E
sther’s eyes widened in seeming disbelief. “What do you mean?”

Ian swallowed, ready to admit the truth. “The day I suggested you let Rachel think we were dating…well, I did it for a more selfish reason.”

Her perplexity shifted to a scowl. “What reason?”

“I’d always admired you, Esther. My visits to the library were sometimes motivated more by talking with you than borrowing a book.”

“Talking with me? But you took out so many books.”

He realized his direction had veered away from his purpose. “I like to read. That’s not the point. The point is I’ve admired you and enjoyed your company from the beginning. I used the charade idea to spend time with you and get to know you better.”

She stared at him, her eyes shifting from him to the distance and back as if she were trying to pull
together threads of meaning from what he was saying.

“It’s not a game anymore, Esther.” He lifted his hand and caressed her cheek. “I really like you.” He wanted to say more, but he hesitated, fearing he needed to study her reaction before dumping any more news on her. “And I enjoy being with you. So let’s forget the charade and have fun together. You won’t have guilt feelings over our friendship.”

As if arising from a dream, Esther closed her eyes and opened them again, her face expressionless. “But when you kissed me at the Streetfest I asked why, and you said because Rachel and Jeff were watching us.”

Ian lowered his gaze, feeling the pressure of his untruth. “No, that’s not exactly what I said.”

A deep frown wrinkled her brow. “But I’m sure—”

“I remember what happened. You asked why I’d kissed you. Then you asked, ‘Were Rachel and Jeff watching us?’ I answered ‘Sure.’”

“Right, that’s what you said.”

“If you remember,” he said, feeling guilty for his distortion of the truth, “they had been watching us, but not then. Not when I kissed you. But my answer was the truth.”

Esther’s distress softened. “But why didn’t you tell me it was because you wanted to? That would have made all the difference.”

All the difference? Now he was confused. “How?”

“Because I would have told you I wanted to be kissed.”

Emotion kicked him in the ribs. He drew her closer, eye-to-eye, one hand on the wheel, and gazed into her eyes. “Are you telling me you feel the same? That you’ve wanted to be with me and…”

Before he finished his sentence, she nodded. “It didn’t happen the day we met, but soon after.” She rested her hand against his arm. “I really enjoy spending time with you, Ian. I—”

He silenced her words with a kiss. A small gasp escaped her lungs and her warm breath sent a shudder down his limbs.

His heart filled with pleasure as he felt her lips captured beneath his, and for the first time she yielded fully to his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her mouth tempted his in rhythm to their beating hearts.

The boat swayed, and Ian eased back and opened his eyes, gazing beyond Esther’s countenance to study a passing sailboat. He glanced at the sky, noticing that the sun was lower than he’d expected. “I suppose we’d better head back.” When he moved his foot, a telltale crunch sounded from the floor.

Esther shifted, and her laughter blended with the crackle beneath his feet. “Forget the chips,” she said. “They’re potato dust now.”

Ian looked toward his feet to see the toppled sack, pulverized on the floor. He didn’t care. Who cared about food when love filled him?

He shifted the crumbled chips aside with his feet, and his laughter joined hers, reminding him that he’d
wanted to rename his sailboat. Maybe to commemorate this extraordinary day, he’d name the boat
Mr. Chips.

Rachel twisted the engagement ring in circles on her finger as she stared at Jeff. “I want to wear it. You know I do, but I can’t.” She looked down at the lovely ring, the solitaire diamond flickering in the afternoon light. “I’ve already explained it to you.”

“Let me get this straight.” Refusing to sit, Jeff leaned against the door frame, his body tense, his words unyielding. “Your father sets up this hopeless situation based on the Bible. Then he tells you he’s wrong, he’s had second thoughts…but he won’t change his mind.”

With her voice knotting in her throat, Rachel only nodded.

“And you’re going to follow along with this ridiculous line of thinking.” Jeff laced the last words with sarcasm.

Trying to answer his double-bladed question, Rachel felt her words tangle in her heart. Tears rolled from her eyes and dripped onto her left hand. She brushed them away, and the diamond sent a spectrum of color into the air. A beautiful gem, but weighted with trouble. Rachel captured her courage. “Jeff, my father might be foolish and stubborn, but the Bible tells me to honor and obey him. I’m so confused. So frustrated. All I can ask you to do is give me a little more time. Let me—”

“Time!” His voice bounced off her apartment wall.

Rachel flinched at his anger.

“I’ve given you enough time to build a pyramid, Rachel. Look.” He pulled his shoulder from the door frame and walked to her side, resting one hand on the chair back, the other on the upholstered arm. “I don’t want to set up competition between your father and me. I’m happy if you love us both. But—”

“I do love you both,” she said, pressing her hand against his. “I don’t want to choose between you. I’m putting this in God’s hands. Let God tell me what to do.”

Jeff straightened, his back as rigid as a tin soldier. “Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?”

Startled, she felt her heart hammer against her breastbone, and she lifted her hand to press against the thunder in her chest.

“When do you expect God will send you a letter?” He folded his arms across his chest. “Or will His voice break through the sky. ‘Rachel Downing,’” Jeff boomed, his voice deepened, “‘I am the Lord and you have My permission to wear Jeff’s engagement ring.’” He cupped his hand around his ear, his face mottled. “I’m listening, Rachel, and I don’t hear God saying a word.”

Rachel clapped her hands over her ears to block his contempt. “Please don’t do this, Jeff.” She sat a moment, her heart crying out in prayer. Unexpected, a sense of calm washed over her along with a new realization. She rose and stepped toward Jeff, filled with purpose.

“Please listen.” Her hand played with the ring as she riveted her gaze to his. “I can’t ask you to un
derstand my father…or my faith. I know you’re a Christian, but apparently not one who feels the same connection to God’s will as I do.”

Jeff’s eyes shifted nervously, and his shoulders sagged as he returned his focus to her face. Rachel sensed he wanted to speak, but he didn’t. He listened.

“I have to do what my faith directs me to do. I have to give this problem to God. I’m beginning to think that the Lord thinks we aren’t meant for each other.”

“You what?” He jammed his fist against the door frame. “I don’t get it.”

“We’re different, Jeff. Our faith is different. I feel in my heart I love you, but I want our marriage to last. At this point, it can’t.”

He stepped forward and captured her face in his hands, standing nose-to-nose. “You’re telling me you don’t think we can make it? You know better, Rachel.”

Tears misted his eyes, and Rachel’s chest tightened with a tourniquet of despair. She slipped the ring from her finger and clutched it in her hands.

He lowered his hands from her face, his own expression desperate and solemn. “So…I’ll wait. I can’t lose you.”

She captured his hand and dropped the ring into his palm. “I can’t keep this now. Not unless things are settled.” She prayed things would be better. That Jeff would back off and let God handle their problem.

Jeff’s gaze dropped to the ring, and his mouth gaped. He drew up his shoulders and moved back,
his eyes focused on his palm. “If you do this, Rachel, it’s over. There’s no coming back.” He lifted his gaze to hers, searching her eyes as if hoping she would change her mind.

The words knocked her breath from her lungs. She studied him in disbelief. “You can’t mean that.”

“I do.” His expression held defiance, but beneath it Rachel saw a glimmer of fear.

She let the weight of her decision settle in her thoughts. Rachel had no other choice. Only when she knew for certain—only when God gave her comfort and a solution—would she take back the ring…but Jeff had decreed their destiny. It had ended.

A shroud of silence hung over them as they stared at each other. Tentacles of pain moved through her, and her heart plunged as Jeff turned away and left the apartment.

Grinning, Ian watched Esther maneuver her way toward a booth at the Autumn Spice Craft Show. His spirit had soared since the day on the boat when he’d admitted his feelings. He’d wanted to confess he loved her, but he hadn’t known what to expect from her. Her response had been much more than he’d hoped.

“Look at this silk arrangement,” Esther said, lifting the basket of copper-colored flowers toward Ian. “Picture this on my end table.”

Jostled by a shopper, Ian shifted to the side and eyed the bouquet. “I thought you were Christmas shopping.”

She tilted her head and shrugged. “I’ll gift wrap it and give it to myself.”

Why didn’t he discourage her and then come back to buy it? The ploy seemed too complicated. “Sure. Buy it. Everyone deserves at least one gift he buys himself at Christmas.”

He’d done it himself. Bought something he longed to have as his own Christmas gift. Not living close to his family, Ian had often missed the excitement of decorating a tree and anticipating gifts. He sent packages to his sister’s children. Sometimes he visited at the holidays, but always felt as if he were in the way. They had their own friends and activities, and he didn’t want to add a third wheel to their holiday fun.

But this year would be different. A warm, cozy feeling settled in his chest. He and Esther would spend time together, and—if it weren’t too soon—he’d thought he might propose at Christmas. The possibility shot anxious exhilaration to his toes.

“Maybe I’ll wait,” she said, returning the silk arrangement to the display and linking her arm in his. “I want to look at holiday wreaths. Something for Rachel’s door. She doesn’t have anything to hang there.”

“Speaking of Rachel, how’s she doing?” Ian asked, curious that Esther hadn’t mentioned worrying about her lately. “Are things better between her and your dad?”

Esther slowed, then halted while passersby jostled around them. “Now that you mention it, I haven’t spoken with her in over a week. That’s strange.”

He eyed her face, seeing it fill with concern, and
Ian hoped nothing had happened. Esther’s guilt over the charade had set her on edge, and he didn’t want to deal with any more repercussions. “Maybe she’s just busy.”

“Maybe,” Esther said, “but she usually calls anyway. She talked with Dad and said she wouldn’t be in church last Sunday.” A frown settled on her face. “I should have called her to find out why.”

“You can telephone her when you get home.”

She nodded. “Right. Remind me, would you?”

“I’ll try,” he said, knowing in his heart he didn’t want to remind her. An uneasy feeling dampened his spirit. If something unpleasant had happened between Rachel and Jeff, Esther would be in the doldrums. When Esther felt stressed, Ian seemed to feel tense himself, and tonight they’d been invited for dinner at the Somervilles’. He’d hoped it would be an enjoyable evening.

Ian glanced at his wristwatch. “What time do you think we’ll get out of here?” He’d never seen such a huge craft show. It filled every hallway and room of the St. Patrick Center, and they’d been there at least an hour already.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“I want to change before we go to Philip’s tonight,” he said.

Her expression changed as she was jolted with a thought. “A hostess gift. That’s what I need. Help me think of something for them.”

“Esther, they aren’t expecting a gift. I’ll pick up a bouquet at the florist, if you’d like.”

Searching the displays they passed, she shook her
head. “No. I want this to be special…and something from me.”

He grinned. “Feeling guilty?”

She expelled a soft chuckle. “Maybe a little. You should have heard the things I imagined about Jemma when I thought that was you and her in the photograph.”

“Don’t tell me. I have my own memories to deal with.”

“I suppose you do,” she said, releasing his arm and sliding her hand into his with a gentle squeeze.

The closeness of them walking together side by side, their hands joined, had become a gift for which Ian felt grateful. He thanked God often for giving him the courage to admit his feelings and for Esther’s accepting reaction to his confession. He squeezed her hand in return, relishing the tenderness between them.

At one booth after another, Esther stopped to eye the items and to weigh her decisions. If Ian had had his way, he’d have sat in the snack section and waited, but Esther insisted he follow along to offer his opinion. He settled into the role, sensing this would be part of his relationship with Esther. Sharing everything.

“Burgundy and gold,” she said, holding a door wreath in front of her with one finger. “I love the colors.”

“Nice,” he said. He’d said that about four others, and he hoped she wouldn’t notice.

“I think Rachel will like it,” Esther said, handing
the gift to the woman behind the table, then digging into her wallet.

“Me, too,” Ian said, relieved that particular purchase had been settled.

With the wreath in a large shopping bag, Esther led him toward a stained glass booth. A backlit screen displayed a variety of sun catchers. Her attention seemed drawn to a beveled glass cross. The bright blue sparkled in the light.

“For Dad,” she said. “He loves looking out his windows, and I think this cross is perfect.”

Without asking his opinion, she paid for the gift, and they moved along until she found the perfect hostess gift. After some time, Ian got antsy and reminded Esther of their dinner plans.

Surprised, she suggested they leave, and when they arrived at her house, she climbed out loaded down with packages in both arms.