LOVING ELLIE (15 page)

CHAPTER TEN

“How am I ever going to let you go?” Ellie whispered, her words catching.  Closing her eyes, she ran a hand over the child growing in her stomach.  Every passing day she grew to love her son more and more.  She even found herself imagining what he would look like when he took his first steps, when he started school, when he became a man.  All those times she’d never get to share with him.  How would she ever survive it?

Someone entered the barn behind her, making Ellie stiffen.  And that someone could only be one person.  Lucas.  The last thing she needed was for him to find her awash in a moment of regret over what she had to do. 

She looked up from stool she’d been seated on as she attempted milk Jarrett’s cow, a task she was failing at miserably. “Hello?”

Booted footsteps sounded across the straw-littered barn floor.  A second later, Lucas stepped up to the stall to peer down at her over the gate.  “Morning.”

“Morning.”  Her fingers stilled when she saw the expression on his face.  “What’s wrong?”

He arched a dark brow.  “You mean other than finding you out here when you should be in bed getting all the rest you can.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”  In fact, she wondered if she would ever have a restful night’s sleep ever again. 

He frowned, but thankfully let it go without going into another one of his ‘you need to take care of yourself better’ speeches. 

“Are you going for a ride this morning?” she asked, turning back to Flo.  Lucas had been doing his best to exercise the horses during his stay there, something she was no longer able to do herself.  Not comfortably.  And not without fear of falling or being thrown and causing harm to her unborn son.

“Not this morning,” he said as he let himself into the stall.  “I have some work to do, starting with tightening up the handrails on the back porch.  I noticed they were a little loose last night and I’m not going to risk a wobbly rail causing you to lose your balance and fall.”

She hadn’t even noticed.  Then again, Lucas was forever worrying about something happening to her or the baby.  Understandable now that she knew about his own losses.  Not that they had addressed them again since the night he’d felt her son kick and broke down.

Her heart had gone out to him that night.  Where she had lived through some tough times, she’d never had the chance to develop a loving bond with anyone and then later lose them.  Not even her mother.  Though she had cared for Jarrett.  But Lucas had known that deep, abiding love with his wife and the baby they created and he had suffered for it when he lost them.  Maybe she was the lucky one after all.  She would never know his pain.     

A warm hand settled over her shoulder.  “You okay?”

She nodded.  “Yeah, sure.  I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Having second thoughts?” he asked, the hope in his voice unmistakable.

He didn’t have to specify about what for Ellie to know what it was he was referring to.  The adoption. 
Yes,
she wanted to scream.
 
How could she not?  She loved the child growing inside her.  But that didn’t guarantee she could be the kind of mother her son needed, which is why she fought those moments of wistful thinking that seemed to be coming over her more often than not lately.

“No,” she said, looking up at him over her shoulder.  “And if you are, I can do it on my own.  You don’t have to be a part of this.  I’ll understand.”  Suffering the kind of loss he had in his past, supporting her in this decision had to be tearing him apart.

“I take it you’re still opposed to marrying me and keeping the baby?”

Another place.  Another time.  Under much different circumstances.  But she was a realist if she was anything.  And a marriage brought about by anything but ‘can’t live without you kind of love’ was doomed to fail.  She was a by-product of one of those kinds of marriage.  She couldn’t do that to her son.

“Lucas,” she sighed, leaning into the hand on her shoulder.  “You are a good man.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming.”

“I won’t bring my baby into a marriage without love.”

He withdrew his hand and straightened behind her.  “You were going to marry my brother.”

And you didn’t love him.
  His meaning was clear, even without saying the words.  And he was right.  It would have been a mistake, her marriage to Jarrett.  But that was beside the point now.

“Forget I said that,” he muttered.  “I didn’t come out here to argue.  I wanted to tell you I just heard back from Greg Anderson.”

“You did?”  She shot to her feet and turned to face him, a little too quickly which had her swaying unsteadily and the cow behind her shifting nervously.

“Easy girl,” he said, steadying Flo with one hand while he grabbed onto Ellie with his other.

“Me or Flo?” she asked with an embarrassed smile as she clung to him.

“Both of you,” he replied.  “You never want to spook an animal you’re shut in a stall with.”  His gaze dropped to her stomach.  “And you shouldn’t be jumping up the way you did in your condition anyhow.”

She rolled her eyes at that statement. 

“I’m serious, Ellie.  Slow and easy should be your rule of thumb nowadays.”  He motioned toward the stool.  “Do me a favor and sit down – slowly – and I’ll tell you what Greg said.”

She didn’t argue, simply lowered herself back down onto the small wooden stool.  Raising her chin, she looked up at him.  “Okay, I’m sitting.”

“Good girl,” he said with a grin.  “It’s good to know you aren’t always as stubborn as a mule.”

“Lucas,” she groaned, “the call?”

He chuckled.  “Getting to it.  I explained the situation to Greg and asked him if he’d have time once the will was taken care of to discuss private adoption with you.” 

“And?”

“He was surprised at first by your decision, but then that was to be expected seeing as how he and Jarrett had been friends.”

Her shoulders sagged.  “Maybe using Greg Anderson for the adoption is a bad idea.”

“He’s one of the best lawyers around, Ellie.  Greg won’t let his personal feelings come into play.  He was surprised.  That’s all.  Once I explained things, he understood better why you had decided to take this route.”

“You told him about my past?”

He nodded.  “I felt it was necessary.”

What choice did she have but to trust Lucas’s opinion?  Otherwise it could mean weeks, possibly even a month or more before she could get in to see another lawyer.

“What time is your appointment?” she asked.

Leaning back against the railing, he tucked his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.  “At 9:45.  We’ll leave the ranch about nine.”

“In the morning?”

He nodded.  “Why?”

“That’s my busiest time at the coffee shop.  I’ll have to meet you there.  Besides, it’ll take time for you and Greg to settle your brother’s estate.  I won’t need to be there for the entire appointment.”

“I’m sure the coffee shop can survive not being open a couple of hours.”

“Lucas, I’ve told you before I have bills to pay.”

“You need to be there, Ellie.”  He shifted uneasily and looked away.  “
I
need you there with me.”

He
needed her.  Ellie reached out to lay a hand on his arm.  “Okay, I’ll go with you.  And I’m going to need you for what comes after.  We can be there for each other.”

His gaze shifted, his cobalt eyes meeting hers as he reached out to stroke her cheek.  “Sounds like a plan.”

She smiled up at him.

He let his hand fall away and nodded toward the pail under the cow.  “What do you call that?”

“An empty bucket.”  She looked down at it with a frown.  “I was attempting to milk Flo, but Flo here is not flowing.  I guess I’m more suited for running a coffee shop than I am at being a milkmaid.  I don’t know how you and Blaine do it.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Have you ever milked a cow before?”

“No, but I’d seen it done a few times and it didn’t look all that hard.”

With a chuckle, he knelt on the floor next to her.  “I’m sure it looked easier than it really is.  There’s a technique to properly milking a cow, you know.”

“A technique?” she replied with a grin.

“Absolutely.  Would you like me to show you?”

She nodded.

Lucas moved to kneel behind her.  Then he leaned forward, his broad chest pressing against her back as he reached for her hands and guided them to the cow’s udders.  “You start by placing your fingers here.”

He smelled of mint toothpaste and soap from the shower he’d been taking when she’d slipped out to the barn that morning.  She was too distracted by Lucas’s closeness to really take in the instructions he was giving her on milking Flo.

“That’s it,” he said encouragingly.  “Now with your fingers curled around the teats, work your way down them like this, alternating them as you fill the bucket.”

A steady stream of milk squirted into the bucket below, making Ellie gasp.  She looked up at him.  “I did it!  Lucas, did you see that?  I did it!”

He chuckled as she did the same with the other teat and milk streamed out.  “You sure did.”

She wanted to do her share to help out, but Lucas had been so adamant about her not doing ranch work while she was pregnant.  But milking she could do.  Why hadn’t she asked Blaine to show her how to do this weeks ago?  Then again, it wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable as having Lucas teach her the proper technique.

His gaze drifted down to her lips and she had the sudden urge to moisten them with her tongue.  Here she was in the middle of milking a cow and all she could think about was wanting him to kiss her.

Bad hormones!

Lucas leaned forward a little more, his gaze still locked on her mouth, and her heart began to race.  He was going to kiss her.  Closing her eyes, she waited for his lips to claim hers.

But the kiss never came.  Instead, Lucas released his hold on her hands and stood, his arms falling away.  The floor creaked lightly under his shifting weight as he attempted to back away in such a tiny space.

She looked up at him in confusion.  “Lucas?”

He looked everywhere but at her.  “I...uh,” he began, clearing his throat, “really need to get back to the house and see to that rail.”

She watched him leave with a frown.  Why did he always pull away?  She supposed she should be grateful Lucas had enough restraint to stop.  There would be no chance of regrets that way – from either of them. 

                                                        *              *              *  

“Sit down,” Blaine ordered with a smile.  “Take a load off your feet.”

“A load is putting it mildly,” Ellie replied as she settled onto one of the padded stools that lined the coffee shop counter.  He was right.  She did need to get off her feet for a few moments.  Her ankles were slightly swollen from having stood all day.

He chuckled.  “You’re hardly showing.”

She snorted at that.  “Do they require eye exams before hiring sheriffs on?”

“I happen to have perfect vision,” he said as he took a sip of his coffee.  “So how are things out at the ranch?”

“You mean with Lucas?”

“He behaving himself?”

Unfortunately for her, yes.  “He spends most of his free time doing repairs that really aren’t necessary.”

“In other words, he’s avoiding you?” he said with a grin.

“He’s avoiding the situation.” 

Blaine nodded.  “He’s good at that.”  Then he sighed.  “I wish I was more like him in that regard.”

Her eyes widened. “You’d prefer to avoid me, too?”

“Not a chance.”

She eyed him curiously.  “Then what situation are you referring to?”

“One involving an old flame,” he admitted with a frown.

Blaine had never mentioned an ex to her, so his announcement took her by surprise.  “Does she live here in Eagle Ridge?”

“She does now.  Victoria is staying at her aunt and uncle’s place until she finds a place of her own to buy.”

He didn’t seem at all happy about his ex’s return.  “Is she trying to get back with you?”

He shook his head.  “No.  She thinks I hate her.”

“Do you?”

“I’m not sure what I feel, but it’s not hate.” 

She studied him for a long moment, taking in the torment in his eyes.  Blaine still cared about this woman from his past.  That would explain why she’d never seen him with anyone else.  Why he never flirted back when other women sought his attention.

“Life is short, Blaine,” she reminded him with a wistful smile.  “Maybe you should give things between the two of you another chance.”

“She has a son.”

“Yours?”

“I wish he was,” he muttered with a frown.  “She and her son’s father divorced about a year ago.”