LOVING ELLIE (23 page)

Lucas sighed in frustration before turning back to Dusty.  “Nothing’s changed.”

“You’re wrong,” Dusty said, surprisingly sober.  “I’ve changed.  If you’re going to be living here, I intend to make certain folks know the truth about what happened.”

“Don’t you dare say anything bad about Lucas,” Ellie snapped beside him.  “He’s the best man I’ve ever known and he deserves so much more than he’s been dealt in life!” 

“Does she know the truth?” Dusty asked as he glanced between the two of them.

“I know Lucas wasn’t responsible for Anna’s death and it’s time
you
knew the truth.”  She stated off toward the barn.

“Ellie!” Lucas called after her.  “Where are you going?”

“To get proof.”

“What’s she talking about?” Dusty asked as she disappeared into the barn.

“I have no idea,” Lucas replied with a frown.  He turned back to Anna’s father.  “But I meant what I said.  Nothing’s changed.”

“Folks will understand,” the older man said.  “Anna did wrong, but her actions were done out of love.  It’s time to let go of the guilt.  You had no way of knowing.”

Ellie stepped from the barn, drawing Lucas’s gaze that direction.  Holding a small, floral book clutched in her hand, she made her way back to them.

“Your daughter’s journal,” she said when she reached them, holding the open book out to Dusty.

“What journal?” Lucas asked in confusion, emotion thick in his voice.

“The one stored with your wedding album and other things inside the barn.”

“What are you talking about?” he said, his brow creased in confusion.  He thought back to the days before he’d left Eagle Ridge.  He’d put his and Anna’s house up for sale, his brother promising to handle things with the realtor.  Everything left in the house was to have gone to charity or the trash.  He’d wanted nothing left to remind him of everything he’d lost.

Lucas’s gut clenched.  Was it possible that Jarrett hadn’t done as he’d asked him to?  Anna had kept a journal, not that he’d ever read it.  Surely, his brother wouldn’t have kept that of all things.   

“Nothing of mine is in there,” he said, wanting to believe that to be true.  “Jarrett got rid of everything I owned after I left town.”

“Not everything,” she said, confirming his fears.  “He must have hoped that down the road you’d be able to face your past again.”

His gut twisted.  “You read her journal?”

“Not all of it,” she said.  “Just enough to know Anna convinced you it was safe to have a baby despite her doctor’s warnings not to conceive.”  She looked to Dusty.  “Lucas loved – still loves – your daughter.  It’s time he stopped paying for something he was innocent of doing.”

“I know,” Dusty said quietly.

A soft gasp left her lips.  “You know?”

“Yes,” Lucas said coldly.  “I made him promise not to say anything.  Anna’s choice cost her the life we could have had together, taking the blame was the least I could do to protect her memory.”

“I don’t understand,” she said softly.  “But you and Dusty had words before you left for Brazil.  You couldn’t even face him once you came back.”

“I didn’t want him taking the blame,” Dusty admitted.  “Didn’t want him to leave.  That’s what we fought about before he left.  Lucas was the son I never had.  It hurt real bad to see him go so soon after losing Anna, and on those terms.”

All Lucas could focus on was the betrayal he felt.  He’d trusted Ellie and she’d pried into his past and kept it from him.  His body went rigid with anger.  “For someone so opposed to gossip, you didn’t waste any time snooping into my wife’s private thoughts.” 

“I never meant to pry.  I was going to tell you.”

“When?” he demanded.

“I don’t know,” she replied, her words catching on a sob.  “I’m so sorry.” 

“No,” he replied.  “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Don’t be so hard on her,” Dusty said, coming to Ellie’s defense.  “She didn’t know.”

“And that’s how it was supposed to remain,” Lucas said, his words low and controlled.  He dragged his hands down over his face.  “All these years...”

“Anna wouldn’t want it to be like this,” Ellie said, placing a hand on his arm.

“What about what I want?” he said.  “Does anyone else know?”

Her hesitation was an answer in itself.

“Who?” he demanded.

“Mrs. Mulrooney, but she promised not to say anything.”

Shaking his head, Lucas turned and walked away.

“Lucas, wait.”  Ellie hurried after him.  “I thought Dusty blamed you for his daughter’s death and it wasn’t fair.  You did nothing wrong.  I only wanted to protect you.”

He looked her way and said flatly, “Don’t do me any more favors.”  Then, pulling his keys from his pants pocket, he walked over to his truck and climbed in.

“Where are you going?” Dusty called after him.

“I don’t know.”  All he knew at that moment was that he needed some time alone to sort through his feelings and work through the pain that had been stirred up again inside him.

Ellie stepped between the open door and laid her hand on his arm.  “Please don’t leave.  Not like this.”

He eased her hand from his sleeve.  “You had no right to do what you did.”

She stepped back with a sob, tears streaming down her cheeks.  “I had every right to stand up for you, Lucas Tanner.  I love you.”

“Not enough.”  He closed the door, needing to shut out the pain of his past – of the present.  His gaze shifted to the rearview mirror as he pulled away, seeing the forlorn expression on Ellie’s face as she watched him go.  But all he could do was drive away.

*              *              *

Lucas fought the painful lash of emotions that day had brought about.  He was furious with Ellie for what she’d done, yet his thoughts kept going back to her admission before he’d driven away.  She loved him.  If only he could believe that.  With love came trust and she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about finding the journal.  Just as Anna hadn’t about the risks of her getting pregnant.

If Ellie truly loved him, she would have agreed to marry him.  Agreed to let him raise her son.  But she hadn’t.

He supposed it was possible she didn’t know what real love was, growing up the way she had.  But that didn’t excuse what she had done. 

After hours spent driving to nowhere in particular, Lucas finally returned to Eagle Ridge.  To a place he hadn’t been to for three long years.

The cemetery gates were open and with only a moment’s hesitation he drove through them.  Emotion rode him hard as he turned onto the road leading to the spot where he’d laid his wife and child to rest. 

He cut the engine and sat in his truck for a long while, staring out across the sea of headstones and grave markers.  He’d always felt like he was alone in his pain, but sitting there now he realized there was always someone left behind to go on.  To hurt. 

Opening the door, he stepped from the truck and crossed the slushy hillside to stand at the double heart gravestone he’d stood at three years earlier.

Hot tears pricked the backs of his eyes as he bent to run his fingers over the names engraved on the marble stone, remembering.  Closing his eyes, he knelt there in silence.  For how long, he had no idea.  It was only the sound of footfall in the snow behind him that had his head lifting.

“I called the ranch to see if you’d come home,” Dusty said, his gaze fixed on his daughter’s grave.  “When Ellie told me you hadn’t, I took a chance I might find you here.” 

“I can’t do this.  Not now,” he said, getting to his feet.

“Hear me out,” his father-in-law said.

Lucas remained rooted where he stood.

“I came to apologize.  I did you wrong, son.  Letting you take the blame all these years.  You were a good man.  Are still a good man.  It’s no wonder my daughter loved you.  But Ellie is right.  You deserve better.” 

“I should have stayed in South America,” Lucas muttered with a frown. 

“And if you had that little girl you left crying back at the ranch would be all alone during one of the hardest times in her life.”

Lucas’s gut clenched.  “Is she okay?” 

“You tell me.  She’s back at the ranch, crying her eyes out over what happened.  She even managed to blister my ears for going along with your decision to take the blame.”

“She shouldn’t have done that.”  Lucas turned away, letting his gaze travel across the sea of headstones in front of him. 

“It’s about time someone did.  I’ve been wallowing in my pain for far too long.”  He clasped a hand over Lucas’s shoulder.  “I hope you realize Ellie’s intentions were in the right place.”

“She should have trusted me.”

“Trust goes both ways, son.”

The truth of those words settled in.  Lucas turned to the man who had been like a father to him.  “I should have told her the truth.  All of it.”

Dusty managed a wistful smile.  “I think my daughter would approve of her.”

Lucas’s head snapped up.  “What?”

“Not many men are lucky enough to find true love twice in a lifetime.  And I know my daughter would want you to find happiness again.”

Admitting to his feelings for Ellie didn’t seem right, so Lucas stood in silence.

“You okay?” Dusty asked, the concern clear in his voice.

“I will be.”  

“I want you to know that you’re not alone in needing time to sort things out.  Lord knows I’ve done enough sorting for twenty men these past few years.  Unfortunately, most of it was with the help of a bottle.  A habit I intend to break.”

“Glad to hear it,” Lucas said with a nod.  “You know, Dusty, I would give anything to change what happened.”

“But you can’t, son.  None of us can.”  He reached down to brush a clump of snow away from the joined marble hearts.  “It’s time to let the past go and move on.”

The image of Ellie’s face flashed through his mind.  He might be ready to move on, but would Ellie ever really be ready to do the same?  To leave her past behind her?  To believe she’s deserving of love.  There was only one way to find out. 

“I need to get home,” he said.

“Yes, son, you do.”

“Dusty...”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve missed you.”

The older man smiled warmly, moisture filling his eyes.  “I’ve missed you too, son.  Now go see to that little girl of yours.”

Lucas turned and started off toward his truck, finally ready to put the painful past behind him.

                                                        *              *              *

Ellie was certain she would die from the heartache.  She had finally taken down the emotional wall she’d spent a lifetime building up around her heart.  Finally allowed herself to tell someone she loved them and what had Lucas done?  The same thing everyone else in her life had – he’d walked out.  Or in his case – driven.

She sobbed into her hands, unable to stop the tears.  Just like the kitten she’d taken that risk to save all those years ago, she’d tried to rescue Lucas from the injustice of his situation.  Only this time she’d ended up with far more than a broken wrist for her effort.  She’d come away with a broken heart. 

Dusty had tried to console her, but she’d been too distraught to listen to any words of advice he’d had for her.  She just wanted to be left alone. 

Ellie pushed the food around on her plate with her fork, too upset to eat.  She stared at the empty chair across from her.  The one Lucas should have been sitting in.  She’d made his favorite - chicken and biscuits. 

Her teary gaze drifted to the clock on the microwave.  It was after seven.  Where could he be?  Did he even intend to come back?  How long had it been since she’d sat dwelling on whether someone she cared about would come back?  She couldn’t go there.  Not again.

While she would forever be haunted by the memory of Lucas’s harsh expression when she’d told him she loved him, it was his response to her declaration that hurt the most – ‘
Not enough’.
 

No one, not even Lucas, knew how she had been struggling to survive emotionally when he came into her life.  Her guard was down now, leaving her vulnerable to all his kind words and passionate kisses, and sure enough she had fallen in love with him.

She knew better than to allow herself to care.  It always ended up hurting her.  Tears blurring her vision, she pushed away from the table.  Never again. 

                                                        *              *              *

Lucas let himself into the house.  Eager to find Ellie, he merely stomped the snow off his boots instead of taking time to remove them.  Then he called out to her, making a bee-line for the kitchen where a light glowed bright.

No reply.  Not that he’d expected one.  He had no doubt she was angry with him and with good reason.  But he was going to make it right. 

He hurried into the kitchen.  “Ellie, I’m sorry about what...” his words trailed off when he saw the plates on the kitchen table.  One empty.  The other filled with a barely touched meal that had been left to go cold.

Guilt stabbed at his gut, worsening when he realized that Ellie had fixed his favorite dinner – chicken and biscuits.  One he hadn’t even bothered to come home for. 

He made his way to her bedroom.  The stream of light passing beneath the closed door told him she was still awake.  He stepped up to it, gathering up the nerve to face her after what he’d done.  After what he’d said.   

“Ellie?” he called out.

“Go away, Lucas.”

“I’m not going anywhere.  We need to talk.”

This time she didn’t respond.

He knocked again.  “Ellie, I’ll wait out here all night if I have to.”

The lock clicked and the door swung open.  She stood clutching the front of her robe.  Her eyes were puffy, damp streaks running down each cheek.  “I can’t do this right now.”

“Ellie...”  He reached out to brush a tear away with his thumb. 

She backed away.  “Don’t.”

He fought the urge to gather her in his arms and take away the hurt he’d seen in her eyes.  Hurt he’d put there.  But she reminded him of a wild horse at that moment, skittish and ready to bolt.  So he held back.

“I’m sorry I left the way I did this afternoon,” he said softly.  “I needed some time alone to think.”

“That makes two of us,” she said with a hiccupping sob.  “In fact, that’s all I’ve done since you left.  I think it would be better if I dealt with the adoption from here on out on my own.”

Panic set in.  He didn’t want her to shut him out which was exactly what she was doing.  All those walls he’d worked so hard to break down were going back up.  “Don’t do this, Ellie.  We’re in this together.”

“I’m too tired to stand here and do this right now.  Good night, Lucas.”

A myriad of emotions swept through him as Ellie closed the door and latched it, shutting him out of her life.

                                                        *              *              *

Ellie had avoided Lucas for days in an effort to protect her heart, knowing she could never survive his leaving her again.  And he would once the adoption was complete.  It was better to end things now, because giving up both her son and Lucas at the same time would be more than she could ever bear.

“Morning, Ellie,” Reverend Bender greeted as he stepped into the coffee shop.

“Morning.”

“I was driving by and saw the lights on,” he said as he crossed the room to his usual table.  “You’re open early.”

“A little bit.”  She’d left that morning while Lucas was out in the barn.  He’d been upset about her driving herself in the past few days and she was too tired to have another go round with him over it.  “You’re my first customer.”

“Which means I should be able to get a piece of your specialty coffee cake.” 

“An entire pan of it if you’re hungry enough,” she replied with a tired smile.

He leaned back, patting his own expanding waistline.  “I’d better stick with one piece.”

“One piece coming right up.”

“Ellie,” he said, his expression turning serious, “I’d like to have a word with you first.  Before anyone else comes in.”

That didn’t sound good.  Trepidation filling her, she walked around the counter and over to the table he’d taken a seat at. 

He motioned to the empty chair across from him.

Pulling it out, she sank down onto it, her mind grasping at reasons why the reverend would want to have a word with her.

“Dusty Andrews came to see me,” he explained.

She hadn’t considered that.  “He did?”

He nodded.  “He told me what you did.”

Guilt filled her and she lowered her gaze to the table.  “I know it wasn’t my place to read any of Anna’s journal.”