Loving (17 page)

She sucked in a fast breath and held it. Finally she shook her head ever so slightly, her eyes locked on his. “I’m scared, Cody.”

“Don’t be.” He spoke straight to her unforgiving doubts. Their faces were closer now, and as they hugged again their cheeks brushed against each other. He looked intently at her once more. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She seemed to hold on to the promise and after a few heartbeats she nodded. Then, as if she was desperate to keep the moment light, to not venture where her heart wasn’t quite ready to go, she took a few steps back and grinned. “Come on. I wanna show you something.”

They ran back up the shore and held hands again while Andi led them up onto the dry sand and toward a closed-down lifeguard tower. They walked up the ramp and together leaned against the railing and looked out toward the horizon. “Bailey told me that when she lived here … she’d come to the beach,” Andi looked around and shrugged. “Maybe even this beach. And she’d hide out here on the lifeguard stations. So the paparazzi wouldn’t find her. It was one place she could breathe, she said.”

Cody studied her, not sure why in the middle of this amazing day Andi would bring up Bailey. The fact didn’t make him angry, but he didn’t understand it. “That’s why you brought me up here?”

“I guess. I miss her.” Andi slipped her arm around Cody’s waist. “We’ve been talking more. A couple times a week.” She smiled up at him. “You don’t come up all that much, to be honest. But when you do … I think she’s okay with it. She’s trying to figure out her feelings for Brandon. That’s where her heart is.”

“Hmmm.” Cody felt himself relax again. “That’s good. I told her she needed to talk to him.”

“That’s what she said.” Andi turned toward the water. “We prayed about that, remember? That we’d all be friends again somehow.”

“We did.” Cody stood taller, remembering the sadness of that day at Lake Monroe. “It’s different with me, I guess.”

Andi’s eyes held the hint of a question, but nothing more. “You and her, you don’t talk much?”

“Not at all.” His chuckle sounded sad. “It’s different with guys and girls. Especially us.”

“When you’ve been more than friends.”

“Exactly.” He turned and leaned his back against the railing, watching Andi, the way her heart was still afraid to love. “I’m over her … if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“No, it’s just …” Andi laughed, and her face told him she had been caught. “Okay, maybe. I mean … remember how you were back then, Cody? You were crazy about her.”

“I was young.” He tilted his head, praying she could see the depth of truth in this moment. “I’d never known anyone like her.”

“She’s very special.” Andi seemed to slump a little. “I can never be her.”

“I don’t want her.” The words came before Cody could think about them, before he could realize how there was a time when he wouldn’t have dreamed he’d say such a thing. But now the statement was truer than the sunshine. “I care about her. I’ll always care about her. But she wasn’t the girl for me.”

For a long time she looked at him, searching his eyes, like she was trying to believe him. “You mean it … don’t you?”

“Yes.” He pulled her close and hugged her once more. Then he eased back so she could see his eyes. “For all the things Bailey is … for all that she once was to me … with all the things she did right … she never … never made me feel like this.” His voice was soft, each word a gentle touch against her face. “The way you make me feel.”

Slowly, like the waves building toward shore, a smile lifted Andi’s lips. She put her arms around his neck and held him — with her whole heart and soul she held him. When they stepped back their eyes stayed locked for several seconds. And as he took her hand and they walked back to their bikes, Cody felt they’d reached a new understanding: Bailey Flanigan was not now and never would be a problem for them. This was a new season and the questions they’d all had were being answered. Questions Cody hoped Andi would never have again. Because he’d told her the absolute truth.

The feelings he had for Andi were different.

They rode another half hour north and then turned around and headed back for the pier. When they stopped for a water break, Andi checked her phone and a concerned look filled her eyes. “My mom isn’t feeling well.” Her brow knit together. “She’s had the flu for a week.”

“Not good.” Cody put his arm around her and looked at the text on her phone. He and Andi had planned to have dinner with her parents. But now she needed rest more than a night out. “Tell her we’ll bring her soup. We can stop and pick some up. I found a place near my apartment.”

“Really?” Her eyes lit up. “Cody, that’s so nice.”

“It’s the least we can do.”

They made their way back to the car, where Andi turned to him. “Next time I want to go south, at least for a while. So you can see where I used to ride.” Her eyes were soft, thoughtful. “I’d like you to know. Maybe I can show you some of the letters I wrote to God.”

“I’d like that.” He realized the gift she was giving him, the gift of letting him see right into her heart where the walls between them were starting to crumble. The rush of open air around them only added to the moment, and Cody covered her hand with his, glancing at her as often as the road would allow.

On the drive to pick up soup, they talked about Andi’s parents, the ministry they ran making Christian movies. After living with the Flanigans he hadn’t thought he’d ever find a family he could feel so at home with. But from the first time he had dinner at the Ellisons’ house, he knew he was wrong. He felt like he’d known Andi’s parents all his life.

“I look up to your dad,” he said now. “He’s changing the world. How many of us would like to say that?”

Andi glowed beneath the praise for her father. “He’s very special.”

The older hillside home where Andi and her parents lived was in a modest Thousand Oaks neighborhood. They parked and carried the soup and a bag of homemade bread through the front door and into the kitchen. Her parents sat at the dining room table, and their faces showed their surprise at the food being brought in.

“Andi … you didn’t have to do that.” Her mom stood slowly and pulled her robe tight around her waist. “Dad could’ve made something.”

Andi grinned and waved her thumb at Cody. “It was his idea.”

“Actually …” Cody shot her parents a quick smile. “I wanted to cook for you, but then I remembered you were trying to feel
better
.” He winced. “Figured we better pick up soup in that case.”

They all laughed, and Cody was glad to see Andi’s mother seemed to be feeling better than she had a few days ago. He set the food down and crossed the room, hugging first her dad, then her mom. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” She took a step back. “But I don’t want you kids to get sick.” She returned to the table and sat down. A sneeze caught her off guard, and she grabbed a tissue from the nearby box and held it to her nose. “A few more days of rest and I’ll be my crazy self again.”

“Good.” Andi was in the kitchen unpacking the food. “That’s what I like to hear.”

The four of them ate together, despite Andi’s mother protesting that they shouldn’t be too close to her.

“Mom, you’re not contagious. A person’s only contagious the first few days of being sick.” Andi took a spoonful of her soup. “Besides, we want to eat with you.” She looked at Cody. “Right?”

“Definitely. Andi and I don’t get sick. It’s against the rules.”

They all laughed. The conversation flowed after that, and Andi’s dad told them about his latest project. An hour flew by
and after they’d cleaned up, Cody noticed the time on his phone. “We better head out.”

“Head out?” Andi looked surprised.

Cody loved this, the way he could create a plan and surprise her with one small act of kindness after another. “I’m taking you bowling. Didn’t I tell you?”

“What?” She laughed and looked from her parents back to Cody. “How do you know I can bowl?”

Cody exchanged a knowing smile with Andi’s mother. “A spy told me.” He helped Andi to her feet and took her hand. Then he turned to her dad. “Andi’s been looking for something she can beat me at.” He gave her a quick smile. “We found out today it’s not running or swimming.”

Again Andi’s face brightened and her eyes sparkled like the sun on the water earlier. “So maybe it’s bowling!”

Her parents were already laughing and her dad held his hand up. “I can testify to this — the girl can bowl. She beats me every time.”

“That settles it.” Cody winked at Andi. “Because I’m about as bad at bowling as anyone could be. Which will make this the perfect day, since you can actually be better at something.”

“You crack me up.” Andi grabbed her purse and waved at her parents. “I guess we’re going bowling. Cheer me on!”

Cody hugged Andi’s parents again and Andi did the same. As they walked down the hallway toward the front door Cody heard something that touched his heart. Talking in hushed tones, Andi’s mother said, “I don’t know what it is about that boy. I feel like I’ve known him for years.”

Andi didn’t seem to hear her parents, too caught up in the adventure ahead. But Cody let her mother’s words find a permanent place in his heart. Andi had already told him that her parents had prayed for her future since she was born. For her choices and career path and for her future husband. So was it possible Andi’s
mom felt like she knew Cody because one day Cody and Andi would wind up together?

Any other season of his life the thought would’ve terrified him. He and Andi had only been dating a few weeks, after all. Still, they’d been good friends for more than a year at Indiana University, and those memories, along with their similar journeys of faith, made him feel like he’d known Andi forever. Maybe because of that, in this moment, her parents’ words didn’t scare him. They were like the greatest gift. Cody prayed all the time about Andi and his new relationship with her and always God pressed upon his heart the same thing. He had nothing to be afraid of, no worries this time around. And something else. Maybe all his life had led not only to his job at Oaks Christian.

But to her.

T
HE FIRST THING
B
AILEY BECAME AWARE OF AS SHE WOKE UP
was the smell of boiling potatoes drifting up the stairs. In a rush she realized what day it was and that she needed to get downstairs to help. This year July Fourth seemed to come more quickly than usual. Probably because Bailey had been taking Skype meetings with Dayne and Katy for the last few days, busy talking to them about her latest dream. The one she couldn’t shake.

She wanted to buy CKT from them.

Bailey sat up in bed and ran her hand over her long hair. Already she’d talked to her parents extensively about the idea, and last Friday she’d put together a proposal and presented it to Dayne and Katy through overnight mail. By then, Katy was weeks away from delivering, and her doctor in LA didn’t want her to travel. They had chosen a name — Egan Thomas — and Sophie was practically crazy with anticipation of meeting her little brother.

The birth of the Matthews’ second baby made the timing perfect. Bailey smiled as she remembered that first virtual meeting. Katy and Dayne looked at each other, and almost at the same time they began to laugh. The kind of laugh that acknowledged some wild coincidence or unbelievable miracle. The way people laughed when they found out they’d won the lottery.

“You won’t believe this.” Dayne was the first to turn to her and explain. “For the last month we’ve been talking about selling CKT. With another baby, it just isn’t practical. We’ll only be back in Indiana a couple times a year to see family.”

“We thought about you, Bailey, but we weren’t sure.” Katy’s eyes allowed a seriousness that hadn’t been there initially. “If you and Brandon figure things out, you might wind up back in LA.”

“We’re looking for someone who lives in town.” Dayne sat back in his chair. He looked from Katy to Bailey. “But if you’re interested, let’s just say we’re definitely ready to listen.”

The meetings had gone very well after that. Bailey’s dad had helped her put together the business plan, and she felt confident as she discussed it with Dayne and Katy during yet another Skype session. The one thing she refused to think about was what the decision meant to her and Brandon. How it would take Bailey one more step from what they had shared.

With all the time and energy she’d put into presenting her plans to Katy and Dayne, Bailey was glad that this was a holiday. She slid out of bed and hurried through getting ready. Brandon had left just one message on her cell since he’d returned to Los Angeles. She played it on speaker while she finished straightening her hair. “Bailey, this is crazy. I’ve been home for two weeks and we haven’t talked. I want to see you, baby.” He paused, his tone broken. “I’m not ready to give up on us. Please … call me back. I’ll be waiting. I love you.”

She closed her eyes and let his voice wash over her again. He loved her, he really did. And several times she started to call him back but then changed her mind. She wasn’t sure what to say to him. It was wrong not to call him back, she just wasn’t sure her heart could take the conversation. Maybe later today, when she and her family were at the lake.

She took the stairs slowly, aware again that making this decision to stay in Bloomington, to purchase CKT, might mean her being alone the rest of her days. Because she couldn’t imagine another love like the one she’d shared with Brandon. But if that was what God was calling her to do, then she would live out that life in His strength.

The same as if she’d been called to Africa to spend her days on the mission field.

She reached the kitchen and saw her younger brothers Shawn and Justin chopping onions near the sink. A smile erased the sadness from a minute ago. She loved her brothers, how everyone in her family got along and appreciated this short season of life when they were all together under one roof again.

“Well, it’s true.” Justin dragged his wrist across his cheek. “Onions definitely make me cry, but I still don’t get how a vegetable can make me sad.”

Shawn chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, it’s not that kind of crying.”

“Whatever it is, it’s bad.” He sniffed and wiped at his face again. “It’s like the onion juice is going straight to my eyes.”

Their mom was making coffee, and she laughed at the boys’ exchange. “Onion juice is like that.” She smiled at Bailey. “I’ve got coffee for both of us.”

“Thanks.” She walked to the pot of boiling potatoes. “Are these ready to cut up?”

“Pretty much.” Her mom crossed the kitchen and slid a paring knife into one of the potatoes. “Yes. Definitely ready.”

“I’ll take care of them.” This routine was as familiar as Fourth of July — the Flanigans making buckets of their mom’s famous potato salad to take to the Baxter Family picnic at Lake Monroe.

Bailey drained the water from the pot as memories from the past July Fourths filled her heart and mind. The times when her old friend Tim Reed had joined them, and the Fourth of July when Cody first returned from the war. That year he knocked at the door and saw her for the first time since his injury in Iraq. That was the moment her mother always remembered — when she wondered whether anyone would ever love Bailey the way Cody did.

Of course there was the Fourth a few years back when she
and Cody admitted their feelings for each other. The time he first kissed her when it seemed nothing would ever separate them. And then last year when Brandon joined her and everyone could see the attraction between them.

She sliced the potatoes without really seeing them. Hadn’t she known back then it was a bad idea, falling for Brandon Paul? Bailey had never wanted to live in Los Angeles. But he had been so amazing while she was in New York, so ready to come see her that their love had felt beyond magical. As if God Himself had given them the gift of each other.

Bailey looked out the window at her family’s pool and beyond to the acreage that ran up against the forest. Why hadn’t she thought about the reality? Which left just one question: Why had God allowed her to fall in love with Brandon in the first place?

Justin came up beside her and snagged a piece of potato. “Sometimes I like it without all the goopy stuff.” He grinned at her. “And without those super strong onions.”

Bailey laughed. She didn’t blame him. But whatever their mom did to the recipe, it always turned out to be a hit. Onions and all.

They finished getting the meal ready and Bailey’s dad brought the other boys home from their summer basketball workout. “It’s going to be the best Fourth ever,” her dad announced. “I have a feeling.”

Another smile lifted Bailey’s heart. Her dad said the same thing every year. “You’re doing the fishing derby this year, right?”

“Of coures.” Her dad raised his fist in the air. “Enough of this Baxter domination. This year a Flanigan man is going to win.” He pointed at a few of the boys. “We have a plan, right?”

“Definitely.” Justin raised his fist too. “It’ll be the start of a dynasty.”

Bailey could hardly wait to see what they had cooked up, but for now she helped her mom finish the potato salad, and then
together with her brothers they loaded chairs and picnic supplies into the back of the Suburban. Like every other Fourth, they arrived at the lake around three that afternoon and began setting up. By then most of the Baxters were there. Katy and Dayne wouldn’t be here this year, obviously, because Katy couldn’t travel. But everyone planned to call them from the lake before the fireworks.

Luke and Reagan were the last to arrive, walking down the hillside with their three kids just after four. Bailey hadn’t seen Luke and his family since last Fourth of July. As they came closer, Bailey watched them, especially Johnny, their youngest son. He was nearly two, still small enough that Reagan carried him in her arms while Luke brought their ice chest. Tommy and Malin, eleven and seven now, galloped along beside them.

But it was Johnny who held Bailey’s attention. She and Andi talked all the time now, and often her friend opened up about the pain of giving the boy up. She stood by her decision, but she ached at the loss. Last time they talked, Andi had said she hoped for a chance to see the boy, see how happy and adjusted he was living with his family.

Bailey thought how it would feel to be Andi, to know that she’d given birth to a child who didn’t know her. She watched as Reagan set Johnny down and took his hand as he slowly toddled along. He had Andi’s blond hair and her fine features. No question he was her friend’s son. But if Andi were here now, she would agree the same way everyone who saw Luke and Reagan and their kids would agree: Johnny was exactly where he was supposed to be. Bailey made a point to tell Andi later.

The smell of barbecue already filled the air around them as John Baxter and a few of the dads worked to get the burgers going. Connor ran up as Bailey was about to find Ashley Baxter Blake. “Come on!” He grabbed her hand, clearly excited about
something. “It’s a three-legged race. We’re making teams and I pick you!”

Bailey laughed as they hurried down the hill to the shore. But no matter how much fun they had over the next hour doing crazy races and building stick forts along the water, Bailey couldn’t shake the fact that something was missing. That no matter how badly she wanted to be content with being single in Bloomington, her heart was held hostage back in LA.

Or wherever Brandon was today.

She thought about calling him when the guys working the barbecue announced it was time to eat. She could slip off, head up the hill to the parking lot, and find a quiet place to call him. But even then the conflict remained. Why call him when the sound of his voice against her soul would only make her miss him more?

Connor walked beside her as everyone formed a circle. The largest circle they’d ever made, if Bailey’s guess was right. A few of the Baxter kids had brought friends this year, and with all the families mixed together, the group was bigger than ever. They held hands and Bailey giggled when it took Ashley’s son Devin a little longer to find his place in the circle.

“No … not here.” He looked everyone over as he walked along the inside of the circle. As if he was sizing up each person trying to decide who to stand by for the prayer. When he reached Bailey he finally stopped and grinned. “There you are! I was looking for you!”

Bailey’s heart melted. “You want to stand by me, buddy?”

“Yep.” He looked over his shoulder and raised his eyebrows in Ashley’s direction. “I can stand by Bailey, right, Mom? Because I’m gonna marry her one day, okay? So we should pray by each other, right?”

A trickle of laughter made its way around the circle. Ashley worked to keep a straight face. “Yes, Devin. Go ahead. I’m sure Bailey would love that.”

The little boy beamed up at her. He was six this summer and his tanned dimples made him look beyond adorable. He slid in next to Bailey and took her hand. “Okay,” he announced in a loud voice. “We can start.”

Every year the dads prayed for their families. Some said only a few words, and others shared something deeper, more private. It was different each year. This time Luke Baxter started the prayer and he thanked God for the men and women who fought to keep America safe. Bailey kept her eyes closed, agreeing that they would not be a free nation if not for the military. Guys like Cody who had given everything they had for the cause of freedom.

Ashley’s husband asked for God’s protection over their schools and John Baxter thanked God that they could all be together. “Tomorrow is not guaranteed,” he said, and for a long moment he couldn’t continue. “Help us enjoy today. This day … when we can all be on one hillside hand in hand.”

The prayer continued and a few minutes into it Bailey felt someone moving in beside her, at the place where Devin stood.

“Hey,” his indignant voice rang out. “She’s my girlfriend!”

“I’ll stand on her other side. That way she can be your girlfriend and mine too.”

Even in lowered prayerful tones, the voice was as familiar as her own heartbeat. Bailey’s eyes flew open. Her hand was over her mouth before she could cry out. “Brandon,” she whispered, and a fluttering of hushed responses came from around the circle.

“Shhh.” His shining eyes melted her and his smile made time stop. He slipped his fingers between hers. “Let’s pray.”

Bailey felt the shock make its way through her legs and arms and the broken places in her heart. She was grateful for the chance to close her eyes and catch her breath. Otherwise she might’ve broken down and cried. The truth screamed at her and celebrated itself in her soul. Brandon had come! He’d gotten on a plane and joined her for the Fourth of July. Of course he had. He knew how
much this day meant to her, the way every year it was the one time they all got together.

She felt tears in her eyes, but she refused them. He couldn’t stay, that much was certain, so tears were bound to come later. For now, she didn’t want to cry. She wanted to feel his arms around her and get lost in his eyes and play Frisbee with him by the lake. If he had come this far to be with her then they would have the best day ever.

When the prayer ended, everyone seemed to find their own picnic spots and conversations — giving Bailey and Brandon space to realize the enormity of the moment.

“You’re here.” Bailey turned to him and slipped her arms around his waist. “I can’t believe it.”

He put his arms around her too, and they stood there unaware of anyone else. “I had no choice.” He searched her eyes, as if by looking at her he could finally breathe again. “You wouldn’t call me back.”

She laughed, but the sound was more of a cry. “I’m sorry. It’s just …” She tried to see his deepest feelings, why he had flown here and what possible good could come from it. But a part of her didn’t really want to know. It was enough that he had come and they had stolen a moment from yesterday.

“Don’t say it.” He smiled, but it didn’t hide his sadness. “We’ll talk later.” He paused, allowing the full weight of his next words. “I leave in the morning. I have a meeting at the studio.” For a moment he let that settle, the reality that this was nothing more than borrowed time. But then with another quick smile he glanced over his shoulder. “Anyway, right now it looks like dinner time.”