Loving (18 page)

Bailey leaned to the side and looked up the hill at the line of family and friends getting burgers from the place where the barbecues were set up. “I think you’re right.” She giggled and slipped her hand in his. She had missed him so much more than she
realized. Brandon had come and he was here and they were going to share in the Fourth of July picnic.

What more could she ask?

They sat with Bailey’s family for dinner and when they finished eating, Devin ran from table to table making a grand announcement: “Time for the fishing contest! Hurry, people. Gather ‘round. Before it gets dark!”

Bailey didn’t want to think about the fading sunlight or the way the clock refused to stand still. Not yet. Brandon had his arm around her, as if she’d never broken up with him. Once in a while she caught her mom giving her a look — nothing critical, but more of a sad, understanding glance. Because there was no happy ending to a moment like this.

Brandon spoke close to her cheek. “Who are we cheering for?”

“My dad.” She gave her father a thumbs-up and yelled from where she sat. “This is your time, Dad. Go get ‘em!”

“Right!” Bailey’s dad, Jim, stood and yelled for his sons Justin and BJ. “Fishermen, report for duty! Let’s do this!”

Bailey looked at Brandon and giggled, proof that at least for this moment her heart felt safe and whole and fully his. “We have to cheer loud. One of the Baxters always wins this thing.”

“Got it.” He took her hand as they walked down the hill and found a fallen log where they could watch the fishing battle. A chill ran down Bailey’s arms and she pressed in close to Brandon’s side. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” She whispered the words like they were a secret. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up.”

For a long beat, Brandon only looked at her. But she knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. If this time together felt like a dream, then how could she consider breaking up? If being together was the only way either of them felt right, then why in a few hours would they have yet another goodbye?

A loud voice broke the moment. “Okay, everyone.” It was Ryan Taylor, who was married to Kari Baxter Taylor — the second
oldest of the Baxter sisters. “You all know how it works. This year we have three teams.” He explained that he and Luke and John Baxter would form one team, three of the other Baxter guys would form another, and Jim and Justin and BJ would make up the third. Each of them would toss their lines in the water and after fifteen minutes, the team with the most fish would win. “Remember, it’s not about the fish. It’s about the bragging rights. Fourth of July champs means something around here.”

From all around came applause and shouts of approval. Bailey snuggled closer to Brandon. “We take our fishing seriously.”

“I remember that.” He put his arm around her again. “Are you cold?”

“No.” She lifted her eyes to his. “Not with you beside me.”

The fishing battle grew heated long before the fifteen-minute mark. John Baxter’s team reeled in three trout right away, and almost at the same time her dad and Justin caught two. “Way to go!” Bailey yelled her encouragement to her family. “You can do this, guys!”

“Maybe if they had you out there.” Brandon nudged her, teasing.

In the end, it was the other Baxter team who won by catching five fish in the final five minutes, causing Justin to flop down on the bank like one more big trout. Bailey’s dad helped him to his feet and brought both her brothers into a huddle. In no time a chant came from them. “Next year! Next year! Next year!”

“Yep.” Brandon laughed. “I definitely want to see the rematch.”

Bailey wanted to laugh, but his words hit her like so many rocks. Because next year at this time there was no telling whether or not they’d even be talking to each other. She wanted to ask him if he really thought he’d be here beside her next Fourth of July, but she couldn’t make herself say the words.

Not when he couldn’t possibly promise her anything of the sort.

A
S DARKNESS FELL,
B
AILEY FELT TIME PRESSING IN AROUND
them.

The picnic was fun, but she wanted to be alone with Brandon. They’d been apart for so long that if they didn’t use the next few hours to talk, they might not have another chance. Before the fireworks show over the lake began, Brandon pulled her aside. “Bailey, can we get out of here? Please?”

She shrugged, and felt herself shiver a little. “Where should we go?”

“I know a spot.”

Brandon waited while she told her parents where she was going. She’d done this once with Cody, before they were anything more than friends. But tonight was so different. She wasn’t a high school girl now. She was grown up, desperate to find a way to make things work with the guy she loved.

When she returned to him, she slipped her sweatshirt on and with her hand in his they headed up the hill across the parking lot. “I’ve never been this way.” She stayed close to him. Anything not to think of the heartache ahead.

“I found it the day after your dad baptized me. I needed somewhere to go, to pray and thank God for saving me.” He smiled at her, but it didn’t hide the tension in his expression. “I came here.”

On the other side of the parking lot he helped her down a small but steep hill. At the bottom of it was a trail Bailey had never seen. “It’s pretty here.”

“One of the best spots on the lake.” Night had fallen, but Brandon used his phone’s flashlight app to light the path ahead of them.

“I bet it’s gorgeous in the daytime.”

“It is.” They walked close together for another few minutes, and the path became a lookout, an area with an almost unobstructed view of the lake. “See over there?” He pointed toward the cliffy edge in front of them. “There’s a fire pit.”

“That’s perfect.”

“Yeah,” he gave her a lopsided grin, “if I’d brought firewood and a match.”

“That’s okay.” She shivered a little more, the cool air and the pending conversation leaving her colder than she liked. They walked to the fire pit and the adjacent thick tree trunk that had been hewed into a rough bench.

“See?” He spread his hands out as if he’d planned for the seat to be there. “Just for you.”

She hesitated, taking in the look of him in the moonlight. “For us.”

“Okay.” He put his hands on the sides of her arms. “For us.” Before they could sit down, he seemed to notice she was shivering. “You’re cold?”

“Not too much. It’s just …” Her eyes fell to her Converse tennis shoes. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to do anything but enjoy this small slice of time with him. But when she looked up, she was sure he could see the tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to have this talk. I never want either of us to be hurt again.”

His eyes found hers and with no effort he looked into the places only the two of them shared. “Do you know how beautiful you are, Bailey?”

She realized for the first time that she hadn’t even done her hair that day. In a rush she’d only thrown it up in a loose bun, ready for whatever activity she and her brothers might take part
in. “Ugh.” She ran her hand over her hair and felt several loose pieces that had fallen from her clip. “I’m a total mess.”

His eyes stayed on hers. “I’m not talking about your hair.” He ran his hands along her arms and then tenderly framed her face. “I’m talking about your heart.”

Bailey could sense what was about to happen, and she should’ve stepped back, should’ve done whatever she could to keep him from kissing her. But she wanted to be in his arms in such a strong way it scared her. “Brandon …”

“It’s okay.” He came closer and in a moment that took both their breath, he kissed her. Long and slow, the two of them together like they’d wanted to be since she left LA. When he drew back, his eyes blazed. “I love you. Nothing’s changed, baby.”

She let his words run again in her soul. Nothing had changed. She allowed a sad laugh, but only so she wouldn’t cry. “We’re broken up. That’s a pretty big change.”

“No.” He soothed his thumb over her cheek. “You sent me some crazy text message. That’s not a breakup.” He looked at her, and in his eyes she saw just how serious he was. “Tell me now, Bailey. Look at me and tell me you want to break up.”

“Brandon … don’t.” She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on his. “I can’t do this.”

“Baby, you have to. If you want me out of your life, then look at me and tell me so.”

Over the lake, the first enormous firework exploded in the night sky. Bailey didn’t need to look, she could hear it.

How could he ask this of her, ask her to break up with him this way? Brandon had never been anything but kind to her. He had showed her what love looked like, after all. She’d have to have ice in her veins to look in his loving eyes and end things.

“Bailey … please. Look at me.” His tone was compassionate, as if he understood her struggle and, even more, he’d intended
it. Because if she couldn’t look him in the eye and break up with him, then what had really changed between them?

Finally she did what he asked. She opened her eyes and with all the strength remaining in her, she lifted her head from his and looked at him. Straight into the eyes that had talked to her on Skype and surprised her at the Empire State Building and danced with her at a rooftop prom. The eyes she had fallen asleep thinking about every night since their last time together.

Slowly and without looking away she shook her head. “I can’t.” With the sound of the fireworks, even she couldn’t hear herself. His eyes told her he understood her, but she needed him to hear her all the way to his heart. “I can’t look at you and break up with you, Brandon. Not when I’ve missed you with every breath.”

He seemed to relax, as if her words had allowed little bits of his heart to return. “Okay, then.” He worked his fingers into her hair and brought her close again, kissing her once more. “See?” His smile started in his eyes. “That’s what I thought. Nothing’s changed between us.”

“Except I’m living here.” She put her hands over his and lowered them. Then she linked her fingers with his. “I like this. Sitting with you. Hoping the morning never comes.”

He faced her and held both her hands in his. She tried to think of an easy way to say what she still needed to tell him. But there was none. “We need to talk.”

“I know.” The light in his eyes refused to waver. “That’s why I’m here. Because you suddenly have something against your phone.”

She laughed and the release felt wonderful. It was impossible to stay completely serious around Brandon, even now. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you.” She exhaled, the laughter still in her tone. “We could sit here and joke and kiss and pretend tomorrow isn’t coming. That would be better.”

A sigh came from him and he leaned closer. When the teasing
was completely gone from his face, he spoke with a sincerity that surprised her. “I’m sorry. I want you to tell me. Really.”

The breeze from the lake made the air cooler here, but with Brandon near her Bailey no longer felt cold. She took a long breath and for a moment they both turned and watched the fireworks. These were the best ones, triple shots of red and white and blue. But they didn’t have time to take in the show. She looked at him again. “I’ve been praying, every day since I came home. I left because I was afraid.”

“I know.”

“But perfect love drives out fear. You and I already talked about that.”

“Exactly.” Relief seemed to come over him again. “That’s why it didn’t make sense when you left.”

She hesitated, choosing her words with the care he deserved. “Fear wasn’t the only reason, Brandon. I wanted to direct the show for CKT.”

“And I wanted to see it. Every show.” He shook his head. “There was no way I could leave the set. We had to get the movie shot.”

“I know. That’s okay.” She held tighter to his hand. “Anyway, as I’ve prayed, God put a new passion on my heart.” She paused. “I want to buy CKT, Brandon. Katy and Dayne are looking to sell it, and this weekend I showed them a business plan.” She lifted her shoulders and let them fall again. “They loved it. We’re talking about making the sale final before fall.”

Her words couldn’t have caught him more off guard if she’d told him she was taking a job in Devin’s imaginary circus. “Baby … there’s gotta be theater groups in LA where you could teach or direct. You could even start your own.”

Pain radiated across her heart and into her veins. “That wouldn’t be the same. I believe God wants me here. Running the same theater group I loved as a kid. It’s everything I could possibly want for the future.”

“Everything except me.” Tears filled his eyes, but he didn’t look away, wouldn’t back down from the mountain that had just thrown itself between them. “Is that it?”

She wanted to stand up and scream her frustrations across the lake. “It’s not how I want it.” Her tone filled with the impossibility of the situation. “You have to know that, Brandon. I want you. But you’re in LA, and no matter how many times I try to imagine it, I feel like God’s calling me to stay here.” The tears were hers now, and they came in a quiet wave. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“There has to be a way.” His tears came as if he refused to acknowledge them. “I need you. I don’t care if I have to fly here every weekend, I need you.”

For the first time since she stepped foot on the plane a month ago Bailey felt a glimmer of hope. Real hope. “You can’t do that. Fly here every weekend.”

“People do it. Lots of actors spend weeks in LA and weekends in New York. I’ve seen it.”

She wanted to ask him if he’d seen it work, but she didn’t want to dim the flicker of possibility when it had only just ignited. “What about your contract? You’ll be busy making movies, right?”

“Planes go everywhere.” He exhaled, and his eyes were already drier than before. “And the contract … they’re supposed to make a big announcement the first of August.”

“So … they worked out the problems?”

“I’m not sure.” He looked suddenly uncomfortable. “August seems awfully soon. But Luke Baxter is working with my agent and manager. My guys keep telling me everything’s on track.”

She let the reality sink in a little more. Seven movies over five years. Maybe more — at least according to the things West Mark had told Brandon initially. There would be location shoots and editing and reshoots and publicity and red-carpet events. Leaving LA or anywhere else to fly into Bloomington seemed unlikely. But
then, he’d flown in today. Even just for a handful of hours. “We can’t count on you having every weekend.” Her voice was soft, and she realized the fireworks over the lake had stopped. The air was more still than before. “Even though it sounds amazing.”

“We can count on God … and we can count on this.” He moved in closer and once more he kissed her. When he drew back, when they both were breathless, he spoke words that calmed her soul. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll fight for you, Bailey. Until you can look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over.”

She tried to breathe, tried to remember even a single bit of logic. But all she could do was breathe against his skin and hold onto the moment. “Okay … deal.”

“All right then. Enough of that.” He took a full breath and laughed. “Now that my heart’s beating again, tell me about
Peter Pan
. Don’t miss a detail, baby. I mean it.”

The flicker of hope became a flame. Bailey wasn’t sure if it was the magic of the moment, the fireworks, the Fourth of July, or the fact that he’d surprised her with this visit. But suddenly everything that had felt final and finished seemed at least possible. Maybe they didn’t have to have all the answers right now. If Brandon loved her this much, if he wasn’t angry with her for wanting to purchase CKT and stay in Bloomington, then maybe they could somehow figure out the rest.

Or maybe they wouldn’t figure it out, but they could at least have today. Here and now. In this moment with him, Bailey didn’t care about tomorrow. They could live for the day, love for the day. The ending that might eventually come was somewhere off in the distance. For the first time she believed all of this and the feeling changed everything. She snuggled up to him as she told him about
Peter Pan
and her time with the CKT kids, holding on to every feeling Brandon’s presence stirred within her.

Even if her feelings only lasted for tonight.