Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (12 page)

I thought about living so close to Richmond and
Williamsburg and being able to go to the water and amusement parks whenever I wanted.

Everything about my life was different. Instead of seeing it as a negative, I
appreciated that I’d be able to raise my child in a safe environment. We didn’t have crime. The schools weren’t overcrowded. She would be able to play outside with her friends and not get into trouble. It was nothing like we’re I’d grown up, even if it was a nice community.

W
e pulled up onto Main Street, and when I saw the crowds of people, I was shocked. I had no idea that there were even that many people in the nearby towns. Crowds of people stood on the sectioned off part of the street, the children waving flags and listening to music as it played.

It was like one would see in
the movies and I started to get emotional knowing that life like that still existed. I thought about my mother and how she would have loved to be a part of something so wonderful.

Bobby came around and helped me get out of the car. He brushed a piece of hair back out of my face and smiled, showing his dimples. “You really do look beautiful today, Katy.”

I took his hand and let him lead me to a safe spot to sit my chair. We recognized a few women from church and they waved back to us. “Are you thirsty? I brought a cooler with water in it for you.”

I had to give it to him for trying. The man never stopped. We’d been seeing each other for months and I’d given him nothing except a few kisses. He never asked for more, or pushed me for what I wasn’t ready to give. His friendship was dear to me and I liked the way that when we were together
, I always felt protected.

“I’ll take a water, thank you.”

He left and came back with a bottle of water and bag of popcorn. I spotted Sarah and the kids running across the parking lot. Maddy was dressed like her mother, while Seth was wearing a pair of shorts and a red shirt. He had a mini flag in his hand and was waving it all around.

I could hear the band playing
, and it was starting to get louder. A procession of horses came first, moving their hooves in unison. The sound of their metal shoes clanked against the concrete and I watched them walking in single file, each uniquely decorated for the occasion.

The next group was the women’s
auxiliary, then the Knights of Columbus. They were then followed by the High School Marching Band, the electric company float and three decorated fire trucks. I waved as the crowned princesses and queens of different events were escorted and sitting in the convertible cars, and clapped when a group of clowns came tumbling down the road.

Then I saw fatigues and knew what was
coming next. The military float was decorated with war veterans and then the band followed them. To finish the parade they had over a hundred decorated soldiers marching together.

I knew he wasn’t there, but I checked every single face in the crowd for him, hoping for one more look at his beautiful face.

The awe of the parade was still showing in the crowd and lots of fun things were going on all around us. According to Sarah, the celebration had only just begun.

They led me to wh
ere the picnic area was, and women from everywhere were carting in homemade food and baked items. I could smell the barbeque and couldn’t wait to stuff my face with whatever was offered.

A loud announcer ordered the music to cease while we all bowed our heads and said grace. The town of people got quiet and waited for the official to begin.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I’d like to first thank you for giving us this beautiful day to celebrate with friends and family. Thank you for giving the hands that provided all this delicious food, and the families of everyone in attendance. I’d also like to take a moment to give thanks to the battalion of soldiers in Afghanistan that lost their lives yesterday. Their courage and devotion to this country will never be forgotten. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.”

I opened my eyes and felt weak in the knees. A whole battalion of soldiers had died in
Afghanistan. Brooks was in Afghanistan. Everything around me started to spin and I felt myself falling, realizing that I was passing out.

I saw people looking over me and realized I was lying on the ground. Someone had my head and I quickly realized it was Bobby. “Hey there. You alright?”

I tried to sit up, but it was too fast and I got queasy. I began to ask what happened, but remember the blessing and everything came back. I sat up again, this time determined to know the truth. I had to know if Brooks was okay, even if it would reveal where I was living. I was desperate to know and I wasn’t going to be alright until I had verification from a legitimate source.

I grabbed Bobby’s p
hone out of his pocket that he used for emergency roadside calls and made sure I blocked the outgoing number. Then I started dialing the number to the Valentine’s house. I didn’t care who answered, or what they were going to say to me. My heart was racing and I had to know, no matter what the outcome. I had to find out if he was alright.

It was hard to hear in the crowd of people and Sarah wasn’t going to let me out of her sight. She stood next to me holding my arm as I waited for someone to answer.

“Hello?”

It was Danica. I took a deep breath, swallowed my pride and asked. “I just need to know if he’s alright. Just tell me Brooks wasn’t one of those soldiers that died.”

“Katy? Katy is that you? Sweetheart, please answer me.”

I was crying, hearing her voice after so long. “Please just tell me he’s okay.”

“Brooks is fine. He called us this morning. Katy, I want you to come home. We can work this out as a family. Branch is a mess over you leaving.”

I hung up the phone. Even if I could go home and make amends I knew it would never happen. I couldn’t risk them knowing about my baby.

Bobby pulled me into his arms when he saw me crying. “What’s wrong?”

“Can you take me someplace quiet?”

He kissed me on my forehead. “Of course. Let me go make us two plates and I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

I didn’t stop crying until we
were sitting in a nearby field and Bobby had turned off the truck. “What’s got you so upset?”

I knew he didn’t want to hear about Brooks, but I wasn’t going to lie about it. “I heard that those soldiers died. The father of my baby is in
Afghanistan. I thought he was one of them.”

Bobby pulled me into his arms and let me finally settle down. “I take it he wasn’t?”

I shook my head.

“Katy, do you think you’ll ever make amends with him?”

I sat up and looked out the window, trying to fight another round of tears that were attempting to come out. “No. I ruined my chance to be with him. Too many bridges have been burned. I’m sure he hates me by now.”

“Can I ask you somethin’ without you gettin’ mad?”

I shrugged. “Of course.”

“I was wonderin’ if you’d let
me take care of you. I get that you’re fine by yourself, but we could do it together.”

“You’re asking me to move in with you?”

He laughed. “Well, I was hopin’ that maybe one day you’d learn to love me, the way that I’ve fallen in love with you.”

I sniffled and reminded myself that I’d just been crying about Brooks. Bobby was a wonderful man. He ran a business and everyone liked him. I was lucky to have someone like him offering to
take care of me. The thing was, I knew I’d never love him, not the way he’d want me to. “I can’t make you promises that I don’t know how to keep, Bobby. Right now my heart is still broken. I’ve got a baby growing inside of me that will never know her father. It’s eating me alive with guilt. The last thing I want to do is put a label on us. I hope you understand.”

He smiled, but looked defeated. “Yeah, I reckon I do. Just know that the offer will still stand if you change your mind. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

I kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. You’re a good man, you know that?”

He reached on the dash and handed me a plate. “I made you a hotdog, extra onions, just like you wanted.”

I opened the foil and smelled the delicious food. If I’d just broken Bobby’s heart, he wasn’t letting me see it. Instead he was taking care of me, like he was always doing. Seeing him doing that made me wonder if I was passing up on something that I’d regret later. Maybe Bobby was as good as I would ever get.

Only time would be able to tell me that and from the
shambles I’d made of my life, it was all I had.

Chapter 18

August- September 2011

“Look at these doctor bills, Bobby. How am I ever going to afford the delivery?” I had been staring at them since they arrived in the mail and the numbers weren’t changing. Already, I’d accrued ten grand in doctor’s visits and prenatal testing, alone. With me not working, my savings account didn’t exist and worrying wasn’t allowed.

Bobby wrapped his arms around me. “You know, Katy, it’s probably not realistic and you can kick me in the balls for askin’, but I’ve got real good health insurance. If we got married, you’d be covered.”

I hated the word marriage, because it reminded me of a time that I wanted to bury
and never speak of again. “Bobby, we can’t.”

He got down on his knees on my kitchen floor and looked up at me. “Like I said before. It ain’t ideal circumstances, and that you’ll probably
never feel the same about me, but we’re friends and I want to help. You don’t have to move or anything. It will all be on paper.”

I looked at the paper and then back to Bobby again. “You’d do that for me? Just to save me money?”

He’d asked me to be with him before and was kind when I’d turned him down.

He nodded. “I told you before that I loved you. I know it’s too soon and I don’t expect anything more than an arrangement between two friends. Just let me help you. I don’t want to see you sufferin’ with money when you don’t have to. God knows I’ve paid that damn company enough money through the years. They need to start kickin’ it back in my favor.”

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Are you sure? What if you meet someone else that can give you what you need?”

He shrugged. “Katy, I doubt that will ever happen.”

I leaned in and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He was an honest man and I felt blessed to know someone like him. “I guess I can’t take long answering?” I was due in one month.

“It’s going to take a couple weeks for you to get added, so I wouldn’t wait too long.”

“Can you give me a few minutes by myself?”

Bobby stood up and walked outside. I watched him out the window, picking up one of the children and twirling them around. I closed my
eyes and pictured Brooks doing that with our daughter. It was apparent to me that it was just a dream. He’d never be the father that she knew and I hated myself for it.

Then I opened my eyes and focused on Bobby. I hadn’t known him long, but he was willing to do so much for me. He’d told me that he loved me, even knowing that I didn’t love him back. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, because I did. I cared deeply for him, but that’s all it was. I could never give him my heart when I didn’t have it anymore. I
’d left it in that hotel room with Brooks and I wasn’t ever going to ask for it back.

I looked down at the medical bills and knew that if I wanted to be able to afford things, Bobby’s offer was the best way
to make that happen. It was obvious he’d take care of me and treat my daughter like she was his own.

After getting up from the chair, I opened the door to wave him back inside. Bobby stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

“Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll marry you, and I’ll try my best to make it up to you and make you happy.”

And there it was.

In less than a year, I was engaged for a second time and this one was even more shameful than the first occurrence. This time I aware I didn’t love him and that for my own selfish reasons I was doing it anyway.

We were married at the courthouse four days later, after our license was approved. Sarah and Dave were our witnesses, and we celebrated afterwards with our normal card night.

Bobby knew it would be too much stress on me to move in with him right away, so he opted to stay the night with me. I still couldn’t believe that I was married. It felt surreal and sad at the same time. It was as if I knew I was closing a chapter of my life even when I didn’t want to.

When it got late, Bobby grabbed a pillow and started to get comfortable on the couch. I felt so bad because he wanted more and I hadn’t given it to him. After lying in my bed alone for nearly twenty minutes, I walked back out into the living room and reached out my hand. “Bobby, you’re my husband. We’ve been messing around for months, and I feel like it’s time for us to consummate our relationship. I can’t let you sleep on my couch and feel right about it. You belong next to me in my bed.”

He looked down at my belly and touched it with both hands. I ran my hands through his hair when he kissed my bare stomach tenderly. “You don’t have to, Katy. I can wait for as long as you want me to.
I didn’t do this to push you into movin’ forward. We’ve got plenty of time to be together.”