Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (4 page)

Chapter 4

June 2007

“Congratulations you three. How about you all stand together for a picture?” Danica was making us take a million pictures after the ceremony had ended. Thankfully it was a sunny day outside and the weather wasn’t too hot.

We’d all managed to graduate from our little private school and the big world was out there waiting for us.

As for me and Branch, we’d be attending school at Salisbury State University in Maryland. It was about two hours from home, but close enough to visit when we wanted to.

Brooks was another story
altogether. He was ordered to report for boot camp two days after graduation.

Danica and Walt had flown in both sets of their parents and invited everyone over for a joint grad
uation-going away party. It was nice for them to see their grandparents since they all lived in Florida. Every year we visited for vacation, but I knew they wanted to be a part of the twins becoming adults.

I was grateful to already be included in the family that I would one day call my in-laws. I’d never have to worry about meeting them
or have them end up hating me. They’d known me since birth and loved me as if I was their daughter for all that time.

The grandparents were the same. They all gave me gifts for my birthday and
holidays and never treated me like I didn’t belong. For graduation one set of them gave each of us five hundred bucks. Branch and I would use ours toward expenses while attending school. We knew we’d have to get jobs, but that would only get us started without having to depend on his parents.

The morning of the party, Brooks stayed in his room. I’d helped Danica decorate and make breakfast for all of our guests. When he didn’t come down to eat, I took a plate up to his room. I knocked three times before ope
ning the door and finding him lying on his back, shirtless. “Hey, I brought you food.”

He sat up. “Thanks. I wasn’t that hungry.”

I sat it to the side and plopped down next to him. He smiled, but didn’t say anything as he moved a piece of my hair away from my face. “I like when you don’t hide your face.”

I blushed and smiled, finally bringing myself to look over at him. “I’m going to miss you, Brooks. Promise you’ll visit?”

He smiled and kept staring at me. “Yeah. I’ll come see you.”

The room got quiet and I was
uncomfortable sitting there with him not having a shirt on. “I better get back downstairs.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me back onto the bed. My body fell against his and our faces were super close. Brooks brought his hand
up and brushed it across my cheek. “Don’t slap me, Kat. Please, just let me have a few seconds of this.” He kept his eyes open and pressed his soft lips against mine. I should have pulled away, knowing what we were doing was wrong in so many ways, but it was impossible. I couldn’t deny myself a private goodbye.

When I didn’t move
away, our one kiss intensified. Soon our tongues were mingling together and his hands were running up the sides of my shirt. I could feel myself burning for more and reacted as quickly as I could.

I
finally pulled away and put my hand over my mouth after standing up frantically. “I’m sorry. I need to go back downstairs.” I felt horrible, imagining how hurt Branch would be if he’d seen us. Then again, I couldn’t help but feel a pull toward Brooks. As much as I wanted to feel guilty, I just couldn’t.

He didn’t move, b
ut kept his gaze focused on me, as if he were trying to read what I was thinking. A half-smile formed in one corner of his mouth. “Does he know you’re in love with me?”

It was that
very moment when I knew if I lied I’d drive him out of my life forever. I didn’t want Brooks to go away thinking he was wrong. I wanted him to know that I’d always have a special place in my heart for him, because as wrong as it was, it was also true. “Please don’t do this, Brooks.”

He smil
ed and scratched his head, possibly to consider calling me a coward. “Kat, have you asked yourself how long you’re going to go on with my brother before you realize you picked the wrong guy?”

I put my hands on my hips. “Don’t go there. You know I love Branch.”

He got up on his knees, separating the distance between us. “When I’m on that bus tomorrow and you’re done waving goodbye to me, I want you to do me one favor.”

“What?”

“I want you to think about being without Branch for a few months. Then switch it around and think about being without me. When you have your answer, you’ll know why I had to leave.”

I was so confused. “That makes no sense. You already know I’ll miss you.”

He started laughing and fell down on his back. “Kat, this ain’t even about missing me. This is about you living with a lie. It’s about my brother getting everything he wants, and never considering that you were never his to have.”

My heart was beating a hundred miles per hour
, and I wasn’t sure if I should jump back in bed with Brooks and profess my love, or punch him for assuming I’d made a serious mistake.

“Please stop.”

“Stop what? Stop feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t man enough to fight for what I wanted?” Out of all the times that he could have come to me with this, he was picking when he was about to leave.

I paced around the room and threw my hands in the air. “What are you talking about?”

Just then the door opened. Branch was standing there smiling. “Hey, I was wondering where you two were. Mom needs us to get the grill going. Dad had to run out for the cake.”

Brooks stood up and pulled a shirt over his head. He said nothing to me as he walked out with Branch. All I could think about was him kissing me and the way it felt. I’d kissed Branch a million times and never felt that kind of desperate connection.

While they were gone, I laid on Brooks’ bed trying to calm myself down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his art book. We had to have one our whole senior year and do all of our assignments for that class in it.

I was just being curious, not really prying when I opened it to the first page. What stared back at me was something I would have never
thought I would see.

He’d gotten everything perfect, from my blue eyes to the highlights in my brown hair. My fingernails and
even the color of my skin was so precise that I could have been looking in the mirror.

Under the
picture it was titled, “My Kat”. I closed the book and tossed it when I heard someone approaching the door. I hadn’t realized that I’d been staring at it long enough for the guys to be done helping out.

Brooks walked into the room and was shocked to find me still inside. He closed the door behind him and crossed his arms over his chest.

I stood up and walked toward him, until our faces were almost touching. “How long have you been in love with me, Brooks?”

He smiled, but didn’t drop his arms from his chest. “That question isn’t going to get answered.”

When he started to walk to the side, I grabbed him. There was no way I was going to be able to let him go without knowing the truth. “I would have picked you, and you know it. So I need an answer. How long?”

He turned to look
at me, and his eyes were full of tears. I felt him touching me on my cheek again and tilted my head as an automatic reaction. “I’ve loved you for as long as I could remember.”

My lips were trembling again as I started to cry for a different reason. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re going to be happy with Branch. He loves you. I’ll be out of the picture and it will get easier. The distance between us will help.”

I shook my head, unwilling to accep
t that he was leaving to make things better.

He leaned in and kissed me one more time on the
forehead. “Just remember that you were my first.”

I tried to smile. “I’ll never forget our first kiss, Brooks.”

He moved out of the way and I knew I had to get out of there. I put my hand on the doorknob when he said something that shocked me. “I wasn’t just talking about a kiss, Kat.”

I turned around and looked at him, wondering what he meant. “Huh?”

“September 11
th,
for the past two years. I’m surprised you didn’t know, being as I’ve always been there for you on that day, because unlike my brother, I never could sleep that night knowing you were so upset.”

I thought back to that night
last year and how I’d been so sad and gone to bed. I remembered Branch coming into the room and me asking him to sleep with me. I remembered thanking Branch the next morning and him responding like he hadn’t done that much for me.

Oh my God! It wasn’t Branch.

Then I looked up at Brooks as chills overwhelmed my whole body. “You…oh God. You.”

I put my hand over my mouth. Brooks walked up close to me, so
that nobody could hear. “I waited until the perfect moment to have you for myself. You had to be my first Kat, and I knew it was the only way it could happen.”

I didn’t know what to say or do. He hadn’t raped me. I wondered if I had known would I have told him to stop.

The answer was
no
.

I would have let it happen, because somewhere inside of me I always knew I was supposed to be with him.

I ran out of his room and into mine, where I locked the door and prayed Branch wouldn’t come looking for me.

My G
od, I’d slept with his brother and nobody had even known.

Not even me.

I was a horrible person, for not only having feelings, but for letting him stay so close to us.

He’d taken advantage of me.

He’d stolen from me.

I rushed back into his room, loaded with anger. “Don’t come visit me in college, Brooks. You’re ri
ght, I need to be away from you so that I can be happy with Branch. We don’t need you trying to push us apart. And as far as those two nights go, that goes to your grave with you. I won’t lose Branch over this.”

I didn’t know how he felt when I left his room and I wanted to believe that at that moment
I was too pissed at him to care. The truth was I was ripped in half, finally admitting that I was madly in love with both of them and the only way to move forward was to let one of them go.

The next morning we all drove to the bus station to say goodbye to Brooks. Danica was crying, and I was doing my best to keep my composure. He hugged everyone before approaching me, maybe because he was afraid I was going to punch him in the face. When his arms wrapped around me, I expected it to be a fast hug. Instead, he whispered something in my ear before walking away.

“It’s our secret, Kat.”

Watching that bus pull away from the curb was gut-wrenching. I wanted to run after it, screaming until they let him off. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He needed to know I was sorry for being angry.

But it was too late.

Brooks was gone, and he’d taken a piece of my heart with him.

There was nothing left to do but move on
, because I knew that I’d lost my chance at finding out what we could have been.

Chapter 5

December 2009

“Merry Christmas, babe.” Branch stood over the bed with a tray full of breakfast and a tiny package wrapped with a large bow on the top.

“Wow, breakfast in bed and I get to open my first gift.” I rubbed my hands together and let him arrange the tray, before he climbed into bed next to me.

“I know we said we weren’t going to go overboard for Christmas this year, but there was something I saw and I knew you had to have it. Go ahead, open it.”

I took a bite of toast before grabbing the small box and shaking it. It didn’t make a sound, so I figured that it would probably be a pair of stud earrings. I’d been hinting that I wanted a real pair to wear in my second hole.

Branch nudged me. “Well, go ahead and open it.”

I ripped open the paper and was holding a small red velvet box. I looked at Branch before
opening it and getting the shock of my life. Inside was a very sparkly emerald cut diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds on both sides.

“So, what do you say? Do you still want to be my wife?
I think we’ve waited long enough.”

I threw my arms around Branch. “Yes. Oh my goodness, yes
, of course I do.” I closed my eyes and tried not to cry, removing the thought of my mother’s ring that had been recovered and given back to me all those years ago when they’d found her remains. In fact, her body was so damaged that her ring was one of the key points in identifying her. I’d promised myself that if I ever got married I would proudly wear the ring that she married my father with.

Now
I had been presented this spectacular, very expensive, piece of jewelry and I felt obligated to accept it, no matter how sentimental the other one was.

I placed it on my finger and admired it sparkling
against the sunshine coming in our window. “It’s beautiful, Branch. I never expected this.”

He held up my hand and looked at the ring on my finger. “I knew it would fit perfectly. They tried to convince me that you would need it sized. I told them that I knew my girl.”

I kissed him softly on the cheek and looked back at my hand. It was surreal making our engagement official. Of course, for years we’d discussed being married. It was never a matter of if, but more of when.

Granted, it wouldn’t be until we graduated, which was
still two years away.

Branch and I had made a home in Salisbury
, Maryland. We still went home once a month for dinner at his parents, but our lives were busy. Aside from school, we both worked jobs to pay the bills. In our spare time, we were either studying or sleeping. Even our sex life suffered, not that it was enough to complain about. We had it often, but other couples our age were doing it all of the time, and neither me nor Branch had the energy for that kind of thing.

I put my hand down and looked into Branch’s eyes. “This calls for some extra celebrating, don’t you think?” Without him answering me yet, I climbed into his lap and started rocking my body over his.

Branch groaned and kissed me softly. “I’m at your mercy.”

Of course he was. I had a lot of thanking to do
, and we weren’t leaving our bed until he was a very happy fiancé.

After we’d celebrated in bed for the entire morning, we dressed and got ready to spend Christmas at his parents, where we would s
pend the night instead of making the long drive home. We both liked to have a few glasses of wine and neither of us wanted to get on the road afterwards.

Branch and I stood in the driveway as the car warmed up and flipped a coin for who would drive first. He lost and climbed into the
driver’s seat, while I took the co-pilot spot next to him. We were holding hands before we backed out of the driveway, and I’d never felt so excited to share something with the family.

Then my mind went to Brooks.

This would be the second Christmas in a row without him. Since joining the army he’d been away. After boot camp, he was stationed in Texas. Even though he was allowed leave, it always happened when we couldn’t get away. Even though the distance had been good for my and Branch’s relationship, it still hadn’t filled the hole that he’d left in my heart.

For the first whole year I never received
any form of communication from him. I still wrote him letters once a week, no matter how trivial the topic was. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him and that I hoped he was well.

Then, just a few months ago, I’d started getting letters back. They weren’t anything spectacular, but my heart beat double on the day I received the first one.

I memorized his words and kept the letter hidden in a pair of old wool socks that itched too much to wear.

Dear Kat
,

Thanks for writing me all those letters. Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. My life’s been busy and I know yours has too. I hear you and Branch are doing well from Mom’s letters. Tell him I said hi.

I will try to write more.

Love, Brooks

It wasn’t anything mushy, but it was still something. He’d finally stopped ignoring me and accepted that we’d all grown up and
that it was time to be friends again.

Although
I’d never forget what happened between us, the secret I would take to the grave, I knew I couldn’t hate him. He put his own feelings aside for his brother and even though I could never understand it, I had to respect it.

Besides, somehow knowing that we’d shared something so intimate
helped me cope with losing him. Maybe it was the reason he did it. I’d probably never find out and, by that point, I didn’t need to. Branch and I were on our way to share our good news. We were engaged and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. The handsome man holding my hand, who made me smile every day wanted me to be his forever. I was honored to have his love and vowed to never take it for granted again.

We were greeted by his parents at the door, who then helped bring in the rest of the presents that we couldn’t carry in on the first trip inside. The house smelled like ham, and I couldn’t wait to tear into a nice family dinner. We’d been eating microwave dinners for two years, so any chance to have real food was like putting a child in a candy shop with free reign.

I didn’t care if I left there weighing ten more pounds. All I wanted to do was eat, drink
, and be merry.

That’s exactly what I did too. We caught up with Danica and Walt, answering all of their questions about school and work.

It took them nearly an hour before they noticed the ring on my hand. His dad saw it first, but didn’t say anything. I caught him glancing at it as he spoke. When Danica finally spotted it on my finger, she snatched my hand up and looked down at it. “It’s more beautiful than the pictures, Branch. You did good picking it out on your own.”

I was shocked. “You knew?”

She dropped my hand and folded hers together. “Well, of course we knew. He had to call me for shopping advice. It wasn’t like his brother or father would know anything about what you’d like.” She winked, but of course my mind went to Brooks and how wrong she was about him knowing me.

After a little too much celebrating, I found myself climbing the ladder to the
tree house. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea, but there I was, pushing myself through the small opening, wearing a dress and a shawl. One of my shoes fell to the ground and I didn’t bother going back down to get it.

It was already dark outside
, and surprisingly the push light still had enough battery to come on when I tried it. I looked around the small wooden house and thought about all of our great times and some of our bad ones.

When I got a chill, I grabbed an old blanket and went to put it around me. A big spider crawled across it and I threw it down on the floor. An envelope fell out of it
that had my name scribbled on it.

I shook off the blanket and squashed the spider before wrapping it around me to keep warm. Then I sat down on the hard wood floor and opened the envelope. It was weird. I didn’t remember ever bringing a note up into the tree house, and I knew Branch hadn’t been up in there for years.

When I unfolded the paper
it was all explained.

Dear Kat,

If you’re reading this letter then I’
ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.

The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.

The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was more important than any horny kid
s’ feelings.

So
I waited.

The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my
feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.

I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you
’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.

I stepped aside and let him have you. I watche
d him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

On
e night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.

That was when I lost my virginity.

I’m not sorry about it either, because I know it is something I will never regret.

You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your
parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.

Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave.
I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.

Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.

Until then, know I love you.

I always have and I always will.

Love, Brooks

All I could do was sit there, reading what he’d written to me years ago. My mind was going crazy for more answers. I was desperate to reach out to him, but knew I’d be ruining my happy day with Branch. He’d just proposed to me. I couldn’t just spring something so extreme on him without it causing a major strain on our relationship.

I sat in the cold tree house rereading the letter, experiencing it like it was the first time, over and over again. Snot was running out of my nose and I knew I was a blubbering mess to look at.

Finally
I got myself together enough to climb down and go back inside. Branch met me at the door, got one look at my face and wanted answers. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head and thought of the first thing I could to not bring attention to the real reason I was a mess. “I miss my parents. I went out into the
tree house and saw the lights on next door. I could see them inside, so happy.”

He pulled me into his arms
, and I felt both relieved to have his support and happy that he’d believed me. It wasn’t like it was a total lie. I had noticed the family next door through the kitchen window, but they’d lived there for a while, and I was used to it being someone else’s.

Branch took me by the hand and led me upstairs. Once inside of his room, he shut the door with his foot and covered my cheeks with both of his large hands. “I don’t want you sad today, babe. We’re
celebrating the birth of Jesus and the future that we’re going to have together.”