Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (10 page)

Once I’d familiarized myself with the place, I sat down and started opening my new phone. The service was terrible from being out in
the country, but with two bars I dialed Melissa’s number.

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Katy. I just want you to know I’m okay.”

“Where are you? Branch came looking for you. The shit hit the fan when you left. He thinks you and Brooks ran off together. It seems that he disappeared around the
same time you did. Have you heard from him?”

“No.” I started
to worry, wondering what had happened. Then I remember writing the letter. If he’d gotten it, I’d shattered him so bad that he had to leave. I started to cry. “Oh my God. What have I done?”

“Just breathe, Katy. Where are you? Are you safe?”

I looked around the trailer. “I’m safe. I even have a place to rent already. It’s a long story, and this is one of those prepaid phones so I don’t want to use all my minutes. Just know I’m okay. I’ll call you once a week to check in.”

“Katy, I’m really going to miss you. Just so you know, I’m not
mad at you. You and Brooks should have been together. I hope you know that.”

I did, but it didn’t change anything. “Thank you, Mel. Don’t forget not to tell anyone you heard from me.”

“Take care and Merry Christmas.”

When we hung up I
lay down on the covered couches and cried. I hadn’t even considered that I was two days from Christmas. In the midst of all of my problems it made sense why two strangers would take a leap and give me a chance. I probably didn’t deserve it, but I was grateful.

I’d run from my mistakes and taken the coward
ly way out. I’d never considered what Brooks was going to do when he found out I’d left him.

My heart hurt for a whole different reason and I
knew it was never going to heal. I didn’t know what I could do to keep going when I felt like I was already dead on the inside.

Finding a place to lay my head and a job to make money was only half of my battle. Coming
to terms with my actions was another kind of war.

Chapter 14

January 2011

I’d been living in Sumter South Carolina for nearly a month. The holidays had passed and with them went the last of my hope of ever being happy again. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to have a roof over my head and a friend like Sarah to talk to.

Earlier in the month
I’d received good news and gained another friend.

My car was on
its last leg, and after hearing what it would take to fix, it had sat at the repair shop, untouched. Sarah drove me to the restaurant in return for me watching the kids one night a week so she and her husband, Dave, could have a night out together.

He was coming around, being nice to me when I was
nearby, and he’d even let me spend Christmas dinner with them. I had to admit that seeing them interacting like a family was hard. The last time I’d seen a little girl with her father, it had been my own. Sarah was kind and sat with me, offering comfort.

I guess for messing things up so badly, I had a bunch to be grateful for. My job was steady and we had regulars that tipped pretty well. I’d used half of my savings to pay my first month
’s rent and buy myself some things for the trailer.

Sarah had been right about it needing a good scrubbing. It took us nearly two days, but we managed to bring it back to life. Und
erneath a few years of filth were some surprisingly nice things. We ended up covering the couches in some old fabric she had in her attic. She taught me how to use her sewing machine and make patterns to guide me. We even had enough fabric to make matching curtains.

On the weekends
we visited farmer’s markets, and I was able to purchase a new dining set, dishes¸ and even a whole silverware set. Then I purchased a mattress cover and new bedding from a local store and found a cheap shower curtain that changed the whole look of the eyesore that the bathroom used to be.

During
the day, when I wasn’t working and the kids went to school, Sarah and I did chores around the farm and got to know each other.

I found out that she was an orphan too.
The preacher and his baron wife had adopted her when she was five. She’d met her husband when they were both nineteen. They married and inherited the farm from his father, who passed about a year before. Sarah was one of those people that anyone would envy. She didn’t have a stressful life. Their small town values kept their family whole, and through prayer and worship they’d found their purpose in life. I don’t like admitting I was a charity case, but knew in some ways I was. She liked knowing that she could help.

It also made her feel like she had the right to push me to move on. She’d invited their friend Bobby over for dinner
, and from the way he smelled, I could tell he wasn’t just there to have a few beers with his buddy. I recognized him from the car repair shop, but this time he was cleaned up.

I supposed, if I wasn’t madly in love with someone else, I could see myself finding him attractive. He had dark wavy hair that curled a little in the front. His eyes were light greenish, maybe hazel and two dimples were placed perfectly on each cheek.

After two invites we’d become friends. The second night, which happened to be New Years Eve, he walked me out to my trailer. I think maybe he thought I was going to invite him in. “Thanks for walking me.”

The
sound of a shot gun made me scream. I fell into his chest and covered my face, fearing that we were being fired at. Bobby held me there, laughing the whole time. When I looked up at him, his face got serious. “Happy New Year, woman. Ain’t you ever heard a gun before?”

I pulled away, fee
ling like a complete idiot. “I guess I didn’t expect that.”

He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I got that it was a casual gesture to celebrate the new year, but I hadn’t expected it.

He waited for more, in which I didn’t even move. “You know I can fix your car. It’s been slow and I need somethin’ to do. I know money’s tough. We can just do an I.O.U.”

“You’re kidding right? Are
there some kind of strings attached to this offer?” We were standing in the pitch black. If he wanted to take me on the side of the trailer, nobody would hear my screams.

“
Sarah’s told me about your troubles.”

I shook my head, feeling completely
embarrassed. “I’m not a terrible person. There’s a logical explanation for why I had to leave.”

He laughed and looked down at
his feet. “Katy, you’re a nice girl. I don’t expect anything from you in return. Any friend of Sarah’s is a friend of mine.”

I reached out my hand, offering a thank you in a professional manner. He shook it and smiled. “Thank you, Bobby. I will pay you back, I promise.”

He tipped his hat and watched me walking up the two steps to my front door. “Have a good night, Katy.”

When I walked inside I felt happy, like things were turning up for me. I was making friends and feeling comfortable with everything that was happening in my life. Sure, I could have been in my last semester of college, getting my degree, but that would have required me to face
the Valentines. I wasn’t ready for it and I didn’t know if I ever would be.

The next month brought many gifts, like Bobby fixing my car, getting promoted to night shift manager at the restaurant and even being asked to assist with Sunday school at the local church. I’d never been one to be involved, but
was raised Christian. In the few short weeks I’d been living in South Carolina, I’d attended church weekly. Sarah was the reason and she was happy to have someone to sit with during service, since her daddy was the preacher and her mother played the organ.

By February we had a standing night of cards, where Bobby and I would go over to Sarah and Dave’s. We played a game called pinochle. It was hard to get used to, but after the first couple
of times, I felt like I was an expert.

Aside from my new friends, I’d met plenty of people from the restaurant and church. It was nice to drive into the town, in my newly repaired car, and have people
greeting me by name. I’d never lived in a place so small, and appreciated the importance of it.

Halfway through that month,
I came down with a stomach bug. It was weird because nobody around me was sick. I couldn’t keep anything down and felt exhausted.

A
week passed and then another. On March first, after still not getting any better, Sarah and I both knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t want to spend the money, but she took me to the hospital anyway.

They drew
blood and did a full work-up to see why I couldn’t keep anything down. I’d also discovered that I’d lost fifteen pounds in two short months. My reflection was almost hard to recognize and I was ashamed that I’d let myself get into such poor health.

With Sarah sitting next to me, the doctor came back into the room nearly an hour later. “Do you want the good news or the bad?”

“Both?” All I needed to hear was that I was dying. My pathetic existence was ending because I’d eaten a bad batch of tuna or something ridiculous like that.

“The bad new
s is that you’re probably not going to get better for a while.”

“What’s wrong with her? Is it treatable?” Sarah was as concerned as I was.

“Your friend here is pregnant. She’s sufferin’ from a bad case of first trimester sickness. It happens from time to time. There’s a couple things she can eat and drink that can help alleviate it.”

“Whoa!” I sat up and looked right at him. “Did you just say I’m pregnant?”

He smiled. “I’ve been doin’ this for thirty-seven years. I think I know what I’m talkin’ about.”

I put my hands over my face, unable to speak. “How far along am I? Can you tell?”

“I’ll have to schedule you for a sonogram before we can diagnose something like that. Do you know when your last menstrual cycle was?”

I tried to think back to when I’d had my last period. I knew it was a couple weeks before my wedding
date, because Branch was trying to get some until he found out I was bleeding. Then we got busy with the wedding. “December fourth, maybe. It was somewhere around that time.”

“Just based on that I would say you got pregnant somewhere around the nineteenth to the twenty-fifth of the month maybe a little later. Does that sound about right to you? The normal ovulation cycle is usually around fourteen days after your menstrual cycle starts.”

I began to cry, so uncontrolled that a nurse came in to see what was the matter.
The doctor dealt with a couple other patients and came back in with all sorts of paperwork and different options.

I flipped out
after looking down at one of them and seeing something on being pro-choice. It went on to say that abortion was a legal option.

I threw the
pamphlet at him and said words that I knew I shouldn’t have. By the time that they’d gotten me calmed down enough to walk to the car, Sarah was practically in tears with me. I’d embarrassed her and I was so sorry for it.

None of them could understand the complexity of the situation. They could never understand how important this pregnancy was to
me. I couldn’t kill something that belonged to him. I couldn’t ever fathom that as being an option.

She closed the door
on the driver’s side and handed me a prescription written out for prenatal vitamins. “You didn’t have to be mean to him. He was just doin’ his job.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not like you were happy about that flyer.”

“I would never have an abortion, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that everyone around feels the same way I do. I respect your decision, no matter what it is.”

I put my hands over my face and started to panic.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Let’s get you home and in bed and we’ll figure it out. I’ve got plenty experience havin’ babies. We’ll get through this.
You need to remember that you’re not alone.”

But I was.

Sure, I had friends, but the friend that I needed the most wasn’t around. He had more vested in my pregnancy than any of my new friends could have.

I shook my head and looked at her, unable to still admit what was burning through my mind. “I’m not ready to be a mother. My child won’t have a father.”

“Katy, calm down. It’s bad for the baby. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

She drove us to the pharmacy and waited for my vitamins to get filled. She also picked up a
bag of ginger snaps, in which she swore would settle my stomach.

After helping me get into a nightgown and back in my bed, she left me to rest.

I didn’t get out of that bed for two days, and in that time I’d soaked my sheets at least three times with buckets of tears. Not only was I having a baby, but based on the doctor’s calculations, there could only be one father. Brooks, the man that I shattered and abandoned, had given me more than his heart that night we’d made love. He’d given me something even more fragile.

I was having his baby
, and he was never going to find out about it.