Lovely Shadows (27 page)

Dad looked at Grandpa, who nodded. “She's your daughter.”

“Well,” Dad said, rubbing his hands together, “I talked to your mother this morning. We both feel what you did was irresponsible and excessively dangerous. However, at the same time, the Blue Rapids Police are lauding Levi, you, Billie, and that other girl as heroes. It's hard to ground someone that is getting a letter of commendation from the mayor. So, just this once, you're off the hook. But I'm warning you Jessa Eleanor, you ever,
ever
, do something like this again, I will ground you within an inch of your life.”

I would have laughed—because, let's face it, Dad grounding me was hilarious—but he was serious. His voice rang with authority, as only a commanding officer in the US Armed Forces could. Instead of insulting him, I bowed my head contritely.

“Sorry, Dad. No more playing hero, I promise.” And I was being honest. I didn't want to be Nancy Drew anymore. I had no desire to solve anymore mysteries. Once was enough for this lifetime.

“Good.” Dad looked appeased. “Are you going to the hearing tomorrow?”

“No. I don't care to ever go back to Blue Rapids.” Nothing was there for me anymore. Aidan was gone; I didn't know what I'd say to Laura. The memories I wanted to hold onto the most were right here in my own house.

For the first time since I arrived home I went into my bedroom. That was where the memories were the strongest, where they hit the hardest. My bed sat like a shrine to all the good things that had happened—all the conversations, all the kisses, all the confessions. Love blossomed and grew there. Aidan's presence still existed there.

I laid down on my bed and curled into a ball, waiting for the pain to hit. It never came. Instead, every good memory of Aidan assaulted me, filling me with peace. It was inconceivable to believe that he was really gone yet, I knew he'd crossed over. I could feel it in my heart, just as I felt each time he left me that he was still here on earth. But this time, he really was gone.

I found comfort that he was finally resting in peace. After all, that was the whole point to solving his death. I just wished I could have had one last kiss, one last real goodbye. That last night at the motel would suffice, I supposed. It was better than nothing, better than I deserved.

Dad and I met Mom at the airport. They hugged then she held me tight while we both cried. Dad gathered her bags and walked us to the car. We sat in the backseat as he drove us back to Browton. Mom sniffled and wiped her face as we talked. I used the two hour drive to fill her in on all the details. Dad filled her in on what I missed at the hospital. Mom gave me the same talk Dad did—about how dangerous and irresponsible the whole thing was. I apologized, which I felt like I'd done a hundred times since yesterday. I still hadn't talked to Levi, but we had plans for later that night. I felt nervous about seeing him, now that he knew I'd cheated on him, and with a ghost to boot. Oh, I tried rationalizing things, telling myself that because Aidan didn't have a pulse it really wasn't cheating. I could cut it anyway I wanted, but I knew that I'd deeply hurt Levi.

Mom took Luke and I out to lunch, my first outing since returning home. Everyone pretended not look at us but I could feel their eyes boring into my back. With the first day of school just a couple of weeks away, I knew this wasn't something people were going to forget anytime soon. They hadn't had the summer to lose interest in the situation. I would be the subject of gossip for many weeks to come.

After lunch, we went back home. Mom called Tom while Dad and Luke left to go fishing. My date with Levi was still a few hours off but I didn't see the point in delaying the inevitable. He was surprised when I called him but he agreed to meet me at the pond. The sweltering Kansas temperatures had begun to cool down thought they still hovered above eighty. I pulled a dress over my bathing suit then drove down to the Moore's farm. Levi was already waiting at the dock when I arrived.

My stomach twisted as I walked down to meet him. I knew I had no defense for my actions. Nothing I could say would make the situation any better. If he broke up with me, then I deserved it. Sitting down next to him, I folded my hands into my lap and stared out across the water. Levi reached over and pulled me into his lap, cradling me like a small child. I traced his face as I stared up at him. His eyes never left mine. I had so many wrongs to make right, but I realized just how much I was afraid of losing him. Even through everything with Aidan, I never stopped loving Levi. Maybe Billie was right, maybe I needed to move on with my life. Aidan himself had told me I belonged with Levi.

Fate was funny that way, I guess, showing you a forked road, leaving you with the option to travel down whichever path you choose. I guess no matter which path you take you eventually cross the other path at some point. Every time I chose Aidan over Levi, I somehow always found my way back to him. It worked the other way too. For the rest of my life, I'd never cross Aidan again. My path was clear and sure. I had love—maybe it wasn't the forever-even-in-death love that I had with Aidan—but it was true love all the same.

So I guess it's possible to love two people in the same way for different reasons. That didn't make me a bad person. That just made me lucky.

21.

“So, do you hate me?” I asked, half-afraid he did.

Levi shook his head. “No, I don't hate you. I think hating you would be an impossibility regardless of what you might do. I guess I just don't understand how all this happened, or why you didn't confide in me. We promised to always be honest with each other. In some ways, I'm less upset about Aidan than I am about the fact you put your life in danger. You could have told me what you were doing. I would have done anything to help you.”

“I'm sorry, Levi. I guess the whole thing took on a life of its own. Everything spiraled out of control so fast. I still haven't processed it.” I traced the back of his hand with my finger. “I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to.”

“I know, I know. I already forgave you, Jessa.” He looked down at our entwined hands then out at the pond. “Do you love me?”

“Yes, I do.”

“More than you love Aidan?”

“I don't know that I can truly measure one against the other,” I answered slowly, choosing my words carefully. “I cannot explain what Aidan means to me, but you are a solid rock that I can stand on. You're unshakeable, stable, and strong. I love that you make me laugh and smile, that you make me feel like a princess. I love kissing you and holding you and feeling you against me.” I looked at him earnestly. “Levi, I love you. I'll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you, if you still want me.”

He kissed my palm. “I'll always want you, Jessa. I think I just need some time to deal with things. Besides discovering you cheated on me, I also discovered my competition was a ghost. That's kind of a lot to digest.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” I stared up at the purple and orange streaks in the sky. I felt better now that Levi knew everything. He handled it better than I expected though I should have known better. It still unreal that I managed to go through all the chaos and not lose my boyfriend or get in serious trouble with my parents. Actually, it was disconcerting.

“Take all the time you need,” I told him. “I'm not going anywhere. When you're ready, I'll be right here.”

He smiled. “I promise it won't be long. Like, twenty-four hours at the most.”

“You process fast.”

“I just love you that much.”

“I don't deserve you.”

“Yeah, you do. We're good for each other.” He kissed my forehead.

“We really are,” I grinned at him. “How much trouble are you in with your parents?”

“Surprisingly, very little. Mom found it romantic; Dad thought it was nuts. Either way, what are they going to do, ground me? I already work long hours on the farm, and I don't get out much. So...”

“Right. Mom and Dad were pretty lenient too. I guess we got lucky.”

“In more ways than one.” He grew thoughtful. “If I asked you a question, would you tell me the truth, no matter how painful?”

“Yes.” I couldn't imagine would could possibly be worse than everything I'd already confessed. But he seemed greatly troubled, which worried me.

“Do you have sex with Aidan?”

I could see how this question was worse than anything else.

“No, I didn't. We never made it that far.”

He didn't look relieved. “Just how far did you make it?”

So I told him. His face rapidly changed colors before he said anything else.

“Wow,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair. “I didn't expect that.”

I said nothing. It seemed like an insult to apologize to him. I was sorry I hurt him, but I wasn't sorry for anything I did with Aidan. Maybe that did make me a horrible person.

“Jessa, I love you. I hate that someone else has touched you, that you've touched someone else. I hate that you loved someone else. I even hate that he loved you, though he saved your life. I forgive you for everything that happened. Just promise me that from this moment forward, it's just you and me. No one else, living or dead. It's only you and me.”

I could promise this because I knew now that I belonged with Levi. For a short time, Aidan had been mine. Now, I needed to move on and live my life. Like Billie said, I had to live life to the fullest, because that's what Aidan would want. I'd carry him with me everywhere for the rest of my life. One day, I might even tell my daughter about how I found love twice, how I kept them both through the years, and even in death. I would tell her that true love exists for everyone, if she just opened her heart to it.

“Levi, it's just you and me. Always.”

He stared at me for one long silent moment, as if he was trying to determine whether to believe me or not. Then he said, “Okay. Let's make this work, because I don't work without you.”

“Honestly, I don't work without you either.”

“Good.” He tilted my chin and kissed me like he never had before. It felt like the kiss of a new beginning.

As the week drew to a close, I started preparing for school. Mom took Billie, Luke and me shopping for our clothes and supplies. Of course, Billie's parents paid for her stuff but Mom played chauffeur. I bought a couple of new outfits and the necessary things for school. Normally I loved shopping but this time, my heart wasn't in it. Andy was arraigned two days ago. He pleaded not guilty by reason of mental defect. Laura had called Billie with the news. Pending psychiatric evaluation, his plea might stand. I wanted the bastard to rot in hell.

That Sunday, with my entire family in the front row, Grandpa preached about forgiveness. Levi, who joined us for the service at our church for the first time, tightened his grip on my hand and smiled at me. Filled with love and admiration, I smiled back. I was truly lucky.

Grandpa turned his attention to love and instructed the congregation to pull out their Bibles and turn to Songs of Solomon, chapter eight, starting at verse six.

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal upon your arm,” he voice boomed over the microphone, “for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. It burns like a fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.”

He laid his Bible on the pulpit and stared out across the congregation. Not a sound could be heard except the faint hum of the air conditioning. I reached over and took Luke's hand. He took Mom's and she took Dad's. My family was unified in spirit and in body. I felt more peaceful than I had in forever, it seemed. I watched Grandpa with reverence, because I understood what the passage meant. He might as well be preaching at me.

“As many of you know, my family underwent some tough times recently. There has been a lot of speculation and rumors about the situation. Normally, I don't use the pulpit as a means to discuss family issues. However, I feel the need to give credit where credit is due.

“About a month or so ago, my granddaughter Jessa came across an obituary detailing the death of a young man named Aidan Summers. Led by something greater than herself, possibly the Holy Spirit Himself, Jessa decided to look into the situation. This young man died in a car accident at the age of nineteen. He left behind his parents, two sisters, and a brother, who is serving our great nation in Iraq. Needless to say, this family has suffered tremendously, and Jessa felt their pain. She began talking to people who knew Aidan. She asked questions about his character, his hobbies, his friends, his dreams. Some doors were slammed in her face, while others swung wide open for her.

“As she stepped through the open doors, many things came to light, things that raised red flags. Upon further investigation, she discovered that this young man may have been murdered. To make a long story short, she reached out to Aidan's sister Laura. They met, and at this meeting, their very lives were threatened by the man who had, in fact, killed Aidan Summers. He also killed an innocent witness, as well.”

He stroked his chin as he gathered his thoughts. Several people looked my way with new-found admiration in their eyes. I simply nodded to those I made eye contact with and turned back to the stage.

Grandpa continued. “Now, just last week you heard me preach on the responsibilities of raising your child in the way they should go. You listened as I ranted about not sparing the rod. I spoke in anger on many of those things because I thought I had somehow failed my own grandchild. As it turns out, I hadn't; she hadn't failed me. Instead, she followed her heart. She set out to right a wrong, to bring justice to a slain man, to honor a family who grieved the loss of their son and brother. For that, I am truly blessed to have Jessa Grace as my granddaughter.”