Lovely Shadows (26 page)

The tears eventually subsided and the police entered my room for questioning. I met Officer Holden, who apologized profusely for not believing me.

“That's okay,” I said, “I had the wrong guy.”

“Doesn't matter. Laura's life really was in danger.”

I shrugged. Officer Holden was young, probably a rookie cop. He was thin, dark, and purposely bald. His uniform looked ridiculous on him, baggy and wrinkled. I couldn't help thinking the least he could have done was break out an iron and attempt to look professional.

For two hours, he and his partner Officer Rudin, a short fat woman, made me retell the story of how I came across Aidan's death, conducted my own investigation,concluded Laura was in trouble, and came to Blue Rapids. When they were satisfied with that, they then made me replay the events of the morning. They asked some questions but mostly, they listened. I excluded the parts about Aidan, mostly because I couldn't bear to say his name rather than fear that they'd think I was crazy.

Levi sat with me through the entire interview. He held my hand and often kissed it. I knew I'd have to face him about everything, but for now, the grief and pain were too fresh. His presence offered no comfort. When it became obvious I was about to break down, he politely asked the officers to leave. They obliged, leaving their cards so I could call them in case I remembered anything else. As always, they'd be in touch with me soon.

Levi curled up on the bed with me, holding me close to him. I had so many questions to ask but I was exhausted. I felt like crying. He stroked my hair and told me he loved me. Somehow, this should have affected me; apparently I'd met my quota for tears for one day because nothing happened. I couldn't muster the strength to tighten my hold on him.

An hour later, I was released to the care of my father. Levi offered to drive me home, which I accepted. Dad and Grandpa were driving Luke back to the public access to retrieve my car, which he would take home. Billie volunteered to keep him company.

I kept my eyes tightly shut as we drove out of Blue Rapids.

20.

Everything about my life was surreal. The parts I wanted to talk about I couldn't because the pain was so deep, cutting into me like a knife. The other parts, the ones I was sick of rehashing, were all anyone would talk about.

By now, speculation in Browton ran rampant. From what Billie told me, everyone assumed I'd run away because of problems with Levi. It was easy to see how they'd come to that conclusion. I mean, a mere day after I leave, he's running from town too. The most popular rumor was that we either eloped or I had an abortion. Both were completely untrue and hysterical, given both were what landed Laura in hot water. I hadn't seen her since I left Blue Rapids. Then again, I hadn't seen much of anybody.

Ever since my return to Browton, I stayed holed up in the attic. I refused to come down; I refused to eat dinner, see anyone but Billie, or talk to anyone on the phone but Mom. She booked a flight to Kansas that would arrive in two days. Dad planned to pick her up; he had his furlough extended through the following week. So my being completely insane benefited everybody.

I felt desperately alone, and not because I was shutting everyone out, but because there was a hole in my chest the size of the Grand Canyon. I stayed curled up on Aidan's blanket; I only left to use the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything though Billie managed to coax me into drinking some water. Levi came by every day but I wouldn't see him. I couldn't have that conversation yet. How could I explain that I cheated on him with a ghost? Even thinking about it hurt like hell.

I didn't call out for Aidan, I didn't think his name if I could help it. His leaving happened so fast. There were still so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to touch him one last time, to stare into his golden eyes once more. I needed to tell him how much I loved him; how I would never forget him; how I would always carry him in my spirit. But he was gone, now, for good. I couldn't get those moments back.

On the fourth day of my return, one day before Mom was set to arrive, Billie came up into the attic and laid down next to me. I stared up at the ceiling without seeing much. The slated boards of the ceiling felt so close, as if they were pressing down on me. I couldn't move though. My body weighed a thousand pounds.

“Levi's here,” she informed me.

I didn't respond.

She sighed. “You need to talk to him, Jessa. He isn't mad, but he is really concerned about you. We all are.”

I only nodded. She rolled onto her side and flung her arm across my stomach.

“I know you're hurting, Sweetie, but you can't shut out the world. Aidan wouldn't want this for you...”

I squeezed my eyes tightly. “Please don't say his name. I cannot bear it.”

“I know, but you also know I'm telling the truth. He'd want you to move on with your life. You can grieve for him, but don't stop living in the process.”

“It hurts, Billie. I just keep replaying that last second before he left. What could I have said? How come I never told him exactly how much he meant to me? Why didn't I just let Andy kill me?”

“Now you know better than to think like that,” she chastised softly. “Aidan and Levi would have fought Andy to the death to protect you.”

“But what's the point to life without Aidan?”

“Maybe instead of thinking like that, why don't you consider honoring his memory. Don't think of how he isn't here with you anymore...Think of all the ways he'll be with you for the rest of your life. He isn't here physically, but you carry him with you wherever you go.

“I've seen a huge change in you this summer, Jessa, and it has everything to do with Aidan. His imprint on your soul will carry you through the rest of your life. Think of him in everything you do, but to do that you have to live. You just have to live. Levi needs you; your Grandpa and Luke need you. I need you, too. Time does heal all wounds but it cannot erase your memories. Hold on to those with everything you have.”

Even as I was listening, I felt a small stirring of hope. She was right: I was completely changed from the inside out. All the things I thought I didn't believe in were now so ingrained in me. I believed in everything now, especially the possibility that there was life beyond what I could see and feel. Because I had seen and touched the life; I held it in my arms and heart. Still a huge part of me wanted to argue with her, to find some lie within her truths.

The ceiling came into focus but from far away. It didn't press down on me any longer. The pain in my chest still stabbed, the wound still oozed. But I had hope that eventually I would heal. Eventually, because I wasn't ready to let go of the pain yet. It tied me to Aidan. As long as I had that pain, I didn't have to let him go. Not now, not ever.

Billie laid with me for a long time in silence. Her calm, even breathing comforted me. She was familiar, a point in the sky that led me home. I focused on her to draw me out of the hurricane I'd lived in for four days. The dark cloud began to thin but I refused to allow it to dissipate completely.

“How did you find me?” I wondered aloud. It was the first real question I'd asked since coming home. Levi and I never spoke on the ride back to Browton. In fact, I sat on the far side of the truck, lost in a daze.

“I had a vision about you: where you were, who you were with, and what was happening. I called Levi, who was on his way back home. I kept calling until he answered his phone. I told him everything, about how I have visions and what I saw happening to you. He picked me up and we drove straight to Blue Rapids. We stopped at the hotel but you'd already checked out.”

“Wait,” I interrupted, “I never told you exactly where I was staying.”

“Um, I know. Levi knew, though.”

“How?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. Aidan.

“Aidan told him,” she confirmed, “before you left. Aidan left a note for Levi to find. Well, Levi drove to Blue Rapids to find you but when he got to your room, he heard voices inside: yours and Aidan's...”

“Oh my God.” I covered my face. I remembered that night, easily the best night of my life. Until now; my boyfriend had heard me with another guy. I felt lower than dirt.

“Anyway,” she said, continuing, “once we knew you checked out, it was easy to assume where you were. I thought we were too late because some things were different than in my vision. For one, the sun wasn't quite so high in the sky. Two, there was this cloud that reminded me of Mickey Mouse. I kept looking for it. And three, Darren was with you, but we didn't see him at the access.”

“You guys showed up just in time.”

“Barely. We found Andy's car at the top of the hill. I peeked in as Levi started running. Another gun and some duct tape sat on the passenger seat. One way or another, he planned to kill you and Laura.”

The realization that my death had been so imminent was daunting. If Levi hadn't shown up, if Aidan hadn't been there...None of this would have happened if I hadn't met Aidan. The thought should have pissed me off, but it didn't. How could I be mad about the consequences when the risk had been so worth it? I would gladly do it all over again if it meant having Aidan.

“What happened to Andy?”

Billie shrugged. “Well, when he finally came around, he was arrested. Last time I heard from Laura, Andy was due to be arraigned tomorrow. She plans to attend the hearing.”

“You've talked to Laura?”

“Every day since we came home. She wants to see you, Jessa. Darren does, too.”

I shook my head. “I still can't wrap my head around a good Darren. I mean, I hated him.”

“Yeah, well, she really loves him. Actually, the way she talks about him is the way you talk about Aidan.”

My heart throbbed painfully. “I can't believe he isn't coming back. How do I live with that?”

“By living, Jessa, living life to the fullest. Look, Levi is here and he loves you. He isn't mad, he doesn't hate you. He still wants that perfect life with you. Aidan wants that life for you, as well. You just have to reach out and take it.”

I nodded. “Maybe you should give the speech at graduation this year.”

“Stand up in front of all those people? Girl, please!” she laughed. “I'm worried about falling flat on my face when I cross the stage!”

I laughed with her. It was the most normal thing I'd done in weeks.

I left the attic and rejoined society in the kitchen. Dad and Grandpa were deep in conversation about religion. I cleared my throat and greeted them as I poured myself a glass of milk.

“Hey, look who finally came out of hiding,” Dad said, kissing my cheek.

Grandpa looked less sure of my sanity. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Nothing like almost getting killed to make you evaluate life,” I joked. Neither of them laughed. I sighed. I'd been so concerned with explaining things to Levi that I'd forgotten I still needed to face my family. Luckily, they didn't feel the need to commit me to a mental institution so I guess I could offer them some sort of explanation for what happened.

“Is Levi still here?”

“He left about an hour ago. Farming waits for no man,” Dad quipped. “He's a good guy, Jessa. He really loves you. I don't understand what made you leave.”

“It's a long story.”

“Well, I'm not going anywhere.” He pointed towards an empty chair.

I sat down across from them and rolled the cup between my hands. I started by telling them about finding Aidan's obituary on the internet and ended with almost getting killed by a psycho who thought he was in love with Laura. I didn't tell them about seeing ghosts or Billie's vision. I kept the details to a minimum.

When I finished, they both sat in stunned silence, neither seeming inclined to speak. Grandpa kept rubbing his head while Dad muttered “I just don't believe it” under his breath. Luke, who arrived halfway through the conversation, had nothing to say. He looked mad but I wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because Billie had put her life in danger over mine. Or maybe it was because my absence made things difficult for him at home. I'd ask him later.

“Well, Jessa, I must say that its hard to be disappointed with you for doing this, yet it was incredibly dangerous and stupid. You could have gotten killed.”

“I know Grandpa. I'm sorry, but I just had to do something. I already called the police and Laura. No one listened. I didn't figure anyone else would either.”

“You could have come to me,” Grandpa pointed out.

“Or me,” Dad chimed in. “We do have telephones at base.”

“Yes, I am aware.” I looked at Luke. “Do you care to spill your two cents?”

“Yeah, you're irresponsible. You could have told me. We never keep secrets from each other. Plus, you involved my girlfriend. Do you have any idea what it would have done to me if I lost her?”

I started to say something but he continued.

“What if you would have gotten killed, Jessa? You're my sister, my best friend. I can't lose you too. How could you be so dumb and selfish and...and...just so completely boneheaded!” He ran from the room. Two seconds later the back door slammed shut, shaking the pictures on the wall.

“Well, now we know how he feels,” I said turning back to Dad and Grandpa. “So, I guess the only question left is: How much trouble am I in?”