Love You Anyways (21 page)

Yes, care for. I know you will always be part of my family’s life. Therefore you qualify as one of those people that I care for. You were a good friend to me. Your children to mine. I know you love my wife. And I know she loves you. If something happens that you two end up together I have a warning for you. Although I am one hundred percent certain you wouldn’t hurt her again
because I know people and you are a damn good man. Tessa is going to have a very hard time trusting you. A hard time separating her feelings from the past with whatever feelings may be transpiring now. Tessa feels so deeply about everything and everyone. She is like no other. Her heart is pure and good.

Do you remember me saying you can’t have her yet? Well you can’t, until she is ready. Promise me that and it’s the only promise I will ask you to make.

In closing, I am very happy to have known you. Again, you were one of very few people I trusted in my life. Take care of yourself and her.

Your friend,

Collin

I sat looking at the ground and then Phoebe laughed. “Give me that letter please.”

“Okay why?”

“Because I can’t believe a word of what you just said.”

“Because none of it sounds like Collin?” Phoebe asked.

“Some things but…”

“Like what?” Jade asked.

“Can’t have you yet. Whenever we had a Lucas fight he would say it.” I began to shake. “The night he died he fought so hard to stay with me and he said it then too.”

Jade and Phoebe hugged me and all of us cried for a long time.

“Is it over now Tessa?” Phoebe asked wiping my eyes. “Will you move past it now?”

“Because my husband’s pimping me out, from the grave?” Jade laughed. “Not funny Jade.”

“Said like that it is,” Jade wiped a tear.

“Every letter any one of us gets asks us to make sure you move forward Tessa. He wants that for you.” Phoebe held my face. “So do all of us.”

“My kids won’t accept…”

“They will Tessa. My God, they want you to be happy too.”

“Harper is pregnant.”

“Even better reason to move forward. That baby will know if…” Phoebe began.

“The Ice Princess is holding her?” I forced myself to laugh.

“Yeah.” Jade rubbed my back.

“But Lucas?”

“Who else could it be Tessa?”

I didn’t know how to admit it. I wasn’t sure, well I was. I knew I had always loved Lucas but be in love with him? I didn’t think so.

“I don’t want anyone to know about what has happened with Lucas and me. I don’t know if I can be with him.”

“Says Collin.” Phoebe held up the letter and I rolled my eyes.

“Lucas changed for you.” Jade smiled at me.

“Not for me. How do you know it was for me? What if he went back to Ashley? She truly can’t be in love with that man.”

“Collin says so.” Phoebe held up the letter again.

“I can’t trust Lucas.”

“Yes you can,” Phoebe held up the letter. “Collin says so.”

I snatched the letter out of her hand and we all laughed.

“No one could ever be as perfect as he was, never.” I held his letter to my chest.

“No one will ever replace him. He knew that. You would have never gone to Lucas while he was here. We all know that.”

“It still feels like I betrayed him.” I opened the letter.

“He knows you haven’t. He knows it Tessa. Let yourself off the hook. You loved him, everyone knows how much.” Phoebe hugged me again crushing the letter in between us.

“Uh oh.” I looked at the letter.

“Don’t worry we can make it appear perfect, Lucas will never know we saw it first.” Jade took it and tried to iron out the wrinkles.

“He has to know. If this thing between him and I.” I stopped and looked at them. “I have to see him.”

“Now?” Phoebe laughed.

“Yes now. I’ve been hurting him and that’s not okay.”

“So you and Lucas together again?” Jade giggled.

“No. I don’t know. Maybe? But I’m not ready yet.” I threw my shoes on. “This is a secret. My kids don’t need to know anything until I’m ready, got it?”

“Yes but why?” Phoebe looked upset, like she was worried.

I ran over and kissed her. “I’m going to be fine, I always am. And because Collin, my beautiful angel up in heaven, said so.” I held up the letter and turned to walk out the door. “Thank you both. I love you two. Thank you.”

Chapter 22

Jack, Jim, Johnny, and Tessa

“Lucas wake up.” I heard the voice of my angel who in my head now wore horns.

“Go away, fucking dream, nightmare, bullshit, this is so…”

“Lucas! Wake up!”

I opened my eyes and she was pulling me into a seated position. “Honest to God if I have to continue seeing you in dreams could you at least be naked?” She laughed, “I know it is definitely a dream because my Tessa frowns. So how about you leave me alone with Jack, Johnny, and Jim. They didn’t use to torture me with clothed Tessa dreams.”

“No? What did they help you dream about?”

“Tits. I’m just gonna feel your tits then I’ll know it’s a dream.” I dropped the bottle of Jack on the bed. “Jack you suck. Next time I’m bringing Jim to bed.”

She laughed again.

“Tits, fake, taunting dream tits.”

“Oh for God sake you’re not dreaming Lucas, sober up.”

I leaned forward and squinted. “You look real.” I grabbed her tit. “You feel real.”

“Lucas we need to talk and you need to sober up now!”

“Angered the dream angel. Fuck you twice Jack.” I swatted the bottle on the floor and then looked at what was going to be the start of a very wet dream. “Shh. My dream. Be sweet dream Tessa. I need to get off after this and you’re not having a say in it.”

I grabbed her other tit. “Motorboating. Would have loved to do that to real Tessa.” I moved closer and she giggled and pulled back.

“Lucas, I’m gonna slap you if you don’t stop and listen to me.”

“Slap my cock then.”

“Would you please sober up before I lose the courage to do this?” She pulled at me and I laughed.

“Nope.” I laid down letting my feet stay on the floor.

She leaned down and kissed me. I took a deep breath and smelled her. I was pretty damn sure she was here. But if it were her why was she letting me play with her tits. Who the fuck cares.

I pulled her down onto me and she laughed. God she was happy.

“You’re fucking with me Tessa, real or otherwise.”

“No I’m not. Collin….”

“Oh that is definitely real Tessa. Baby. I’m Lucas.” I let go of her and she sat up straddling me. “Who am I?”

“I know who you are. Are you sober enough to deal with me?”

“Depends,” I lifted the hem of her shirt and started sliding my hand up.

“Focus Lucas.” She smacked my hand away.

“You came here, knowing I’m fucked up. You let me play with your tits…”

“You just grabbed them.”

I took a finger and ran it up and down her lips quickly so she couldn’t talk and she laughed. “Stop. Give me five minutes.”

“Your straddling me, smiling, giggling, and you expect me to focus? You really are a mess Baby…”

She covered my mouth with her hand. “Collin said…”

I took her hand off my mouth and sat up. “Tessa. I’m drunk and even still I know Collin isn’t talking to you.” She tried to talk and I continued. “I want to help you okay
? But talking about your husband while straddling me and acting all I don’t know, fucking giddy is a sure sign that you need more help that I can give you.” She was laughing now. “Okay, let’s go see Jade.”

I tried to stand and she pushed me back. “Tessa so help me God. I’m trying to be a good guy now but I’m fucked up and you man handling me isn’t doing anything but making me harder and
your here talking about shit we both know isn’t real.”

“He wrote you a letter.”

“I know. He told me about Ashley.”

“No about me. He wrote you a letter about me.”

Her eyes were sparkling, she was happy, or insane, and right now I had no clue which it was, cause I was fucked up.

“I want to read it to you. I might cry but I know I’m gonna be okay. Because Collin said so,” she giggled again.

“Tessa.”

“Let me.” I was getting nervous now and she could tell. Her facial expression changed and now she looked concerned. “Am I too late? Do you not still
… I don’t know.” She covered her face with a letter. “Lucas, I didn’t kiss or sleep with Zach Taylor. But if I’m too late, if you don’t still …”

I took the letter out of her hand and focused as best I could. She sat watching me as I read it. I looked up and she was smiling even as tears fell down her face. I finished the letter and reached over and set it on my night stand.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She smiled and I wiped her tears. She held my hand to her face and closed her eyes.

“So what now?” She shrugged her shoulders and I sat up.

“Do you still want me? I mean when I’m ready, do you still want me or not?”

“What do you think?” I pushed her hair away from her face.

“I think I’m not ready for anyone to know.”

“Because you don’t trust me?”

She shook her head no. “I don’t trust me. Right now I want to try. But tomorrow I might be in a different mindset. I’m not ready for anything public. I want to know what you expect of me. I want to see if I can handle it and I know it’s selfish.”

“Do you love me?”

“Lucas, right now if I said yes I would doubt it tomorrow so please, if you can’t handle the head trip I am right now, let me know. I don’t want to hurt you either.”

“Because you love me.”

“Lucas please…”

“I love you. I still love you. I will always love you.”

“Can you handle me?”

“I can handle you just fine. But understand I’m not as good as you at hiding shit. My feelings are very clear to people around me. Ava saw my reaction to you and that fucking Zach…”

“He’s a good guy.”

“Tessa, any man who spends time with you wants in your pants. Don’t play coy about this.”

“Lucas there has been two men in my pants and that’s all I will ever...”
She stopped.

I felt a smile forming on my face.

“Just please tell me you didn’t tell Ava.”

“She guessed. She told me to fight for you.” Tessa’s eyes smiled and she closed them tight. “She won’t tell anyone.”

“Did you tell her?”

“She only knows I love you.”

“Okay because Harper is pregnant. I don’t want her to know yet.”

“So are you telling me we are gonna happen?”

“Will you be patient with me? Will you trust me?  Will you be my…” She stopped again.

“Secret lover?” I laughed

She bit her bottom lip and nodded.

“How long are you gonna make me be your little boy toy Baby?”

“How long will you allow it before you go all…Lucas on me?”

“Let me get this straight you, the girl with trust issues, wanna see me, the reason for those issues, try to hide an affair with you?”

“I do. I so do. That’s wrong. It’s really wrong right?”

“You wanna be bad with me Baby?”

“Yeah.”

“I can promise I’m going to be your boy toy as long as you need. But you don’t date, kiss, fuck, anyone else. You trust me completely. When you miss Collin you tell me. When you doubt us
, you let me tell you why you’re wrong and you do your best to believe me. When you need me I will do my best to be there and I want the same from you.”

“Is that it?” She tried to act annoyed and I laughed.

“One more thing. I know you can’t say it yet but I can’t not tell you I love you. Let me have that please.”

“Can you try not to say it so much? I know you do, you don’t need to say it so often.”

“Now you want me to say okay and I won’t.”

“You really are a pain in the ass.”

“And you love it.”

She smiled. “You’re pushing.”

“I wanna push.” I thrust my hips up at her and she smirked.

“I have to get going.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“We leave in a few hours. Two more concerts…”

“Will he be there?”

“Zach?”

“Yes Zach.” I hissed.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Look, I’m the one with trust issues remember?”

I just looked up at her.

“Lucas, I. Like. You. A. Lot. No need to mistrust me.”

“Fine, then let’s get you back to your vehicle so I can come home and jerk off.”

I stood up with her in my arms and she held my shoulders.

“See, we’re this close, it won’t take that long Baby.”

“Nope.” She slid down me and stood on the floor. “I’ll be back soon.”

“And I’ll be blue.” I grumbled and gave her my best pouty face, she use to fall for that shit.

She kissed me and it felt like our first kiss. One of promise and I knew damn well I wasn’t going to fuck it up this time I just hoped she wouldn’t.

I held her hand as we walked across the lawn to her vehicle at Jade and Ryan’s. She was smiling and beautiful.

We got to her SUV and I kissed her. Much different from the one we just shared. I pulled her lip with my teeth demanding access and she gave it to me. Our tongues met and she moaned when I licked hers up and down slowly.

I heard clapping and Tessa laughed and pulled back slowly. I looked over and saw Phoebe and Jade. I looked back at Tessa and she grabbed my face and kissed me and then opened her door, waved to her friends, and pulled her seat belt on as I shut the door.

“LYA Baby.”

She smiled and backed out.

“What have we here?” Phoebe skipped up to me and hugged me.

“A miracle Phoebe, that’s what we have.” I laughed, waved to Jade and walked home.

I wasn’t home long when I got a text from Tessa.

I hear this song at least ten times a day. Look After You, by the Fry. We danced to it at Harper’s wedding….TT

So Baby is okay now? No matter what you have always been and I don’t want that to stop…LYA

I can deal…TT

This song is one of my Tessa songs. Fall For You, Second Hand Serenade. Not happy you had to lose Collin for it to happen but I’m glad I am getting a chance to make it up to you… LYA

I’m glad I am getting to see the man I knew you could be. But I’m sad I said it because it hurts to have lost him. Is it okay that I said that? Did I hurt you? I just don’t know what to do. Being honest about it may hurt you Lucas. I’m sorry…TT

No it’s perfect Tessa. Don’t stop telling me how you feel. I want all of it. Song again. All of Me, John Legend….LYA

I’ve heard it, a lot lately actually. You’re sure?...TT

One hundred and ten percent…LYA

So you think I’m crazy?...TT

What
?...LYA

The song says
you’re crazy. Is that why it’s a Tessa song?…TT

Well if we’re doing a lyric thing here I’d be OUT OF MY MIND to answer that truthfully…LYA

Ass…TT

Can you sleep or should I come sneak in the window and hold you
?…LYA

I think I can. But we leave in an hour…TT

Try…LYA

OK goodnight…TT

Goodnight Baby…LYA

I woke with a hangover and a message from Tessa.

-We’re here two days until the concert. Pretty cool to watch how much goes on behind the scene. Hope you have a great day…TT

-Perfect way to start it. A message from you. Stay safe Baby…LYA

Later that day she sent a picture of the stage and a message before pic.

Stay tuned for the after
…TT

I smiled as I packed up to head to Jersey.

-Trying to not text you too much but I will be in Jersey for a few days. Work calls and the house is empty so I may as well right?...LYA

-Will you see Ashley
?…TT

That was a very fast response so I knew it was bothering her.

-I fucking hope not. That would ruin the buzz I have from last night…LYA

-Okay…TT

-Baby, she was a fill in for you. Like it or not it’s the truth. I have you back now and there is no way I’m trading down. You were made for me. No one else, just you…LYA

No response and anxiety sets in

Zach there?...LYA

NO
!...TT

I wasn’t fucking playing games. So I called her.

“Why are you calling?” She whispered.

“I don’t want you stressing because obviously we feed off of each other’s anxiety and I gotta tell you Baby, every fucking time, I swear it physically hurts.”

“Okay. Hey, Dad is having surgery in a few weeks.”

“Hip replacement. He finally scheduled it?”

“You knew?” She gasped.

“Yeah.”

“But they didn’t tell me?”