Love Will (43 page)

“How can you ever forgive
me
?” I ask her.

“I did a long time ago, Will. And if you need to hear me say it, I forgive you, honey. I know you were hurt–that it all came from pain deep down inside you… and until that was acknowledged and dealt with, I was going to take the brunt of it. I used to think your dad was lucky because he didn’t have to deal with the cruel things you would say. But I quickly realized that you very easily could have cut me out of your life completely like you did with him–like you did with Laila and Landry. You’re the one who doesn’t forgive once you’ve been pushed too far. I knew that I–somehow–hadn’t reached that threshold yet. I always had hope that you would come around someday.”

“I promise to be better, Mom.”

“You are better. When you walked in the door today, your demeanor had changed so much from the last time I saw you. You seem less burdened and more talkative and… happy, Will. You seem happy. I’m not sure I remember a time when you were happy, and that’s all I ever wanted for you.”

“Shea makes me feel…
light
. Brightness and warmth and clarity. She’s like the most brilliant star I’ve ever seen… and I’m sure I’ve seen billions.”

“She complements you,” she says. “You both seem so natural together. So comfortable.”

I nod my head. “I’ve never felt such a…
pull
to another person. It’s like the universe is working for us to be together.”

“I wouldn’t think that you’d believe in such things.”

“I wouldn’t normally… but even I can’t deny what’s happening between us.” I smile at her. “Do you like her?”

“I never in a thousand years would have thought you’d bring a girl like her home with you. She seems too traditional for you.”

“Because she likes to be in a kitchen?” I laugh as my mom nods. “She’s not as traditional as you may think. She’s just a trained chef… that’s her thing.”

“She has traditional values, too, which–by the way–I’ve been counting… I think you owe us ten laps around the house in your undies.”

“You’re gonna rat me out?” I ask her, stunned that she’d even suggest that I go out nearly-naked in the cold.

She smiles at me and squeezes my forearm. “You go break up this boisterous card game and get everyone to do something that doesn’t threaten to wake my granddaughter, and I’ll give you a pass tonight.”

“Consider it done.” I give her one last hug before checking my face in the mirror and heading back into the living room, telling my brothers that I’m exhausted from my day of travel and ready to retire to my room.

“We’ll keep it down,” Max promises. I’d hoped to break up the party, but everyone seems pretty comfortable, including Shea. I kiss her and tell everyone else goodnight before going upstairs.

Instead of unpacking, which would be the sensible thing to do, I reflect back on the conversation I had with my mother and start writing feverishly in my notebook. In a half-hour, I’ve got lyrics to a new song penned.

Six young eyes look up in wonder

Watch a mother douse her pain

Family is torn asunder

Bottle bears a life of strain

Every sip; grows more unsightly

Serves him up another round

Bedroom door, revolving nightly

Asks us not to make a sound

A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

A broken heart, it crushed her soul, derailed her from her path

One son would blindly follow her, internalize the wrath

Love destroyed me, heart was hardened

I was sixteen, just a boy

She was faithless, then it started

Life was nothing but a ploy

Taking comfort in relations

Stroke me, use me, calm my mind

Never fearful of damnation–

I’m the boy Mom left behind

A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

A broken heart, it crushed her soul, derailed her from her path

One son would blindly follow her, internalize the wrath

She’s sober now and thinking clear

It’s me who can’t see through the blear

My brothers find the faults in me

I think it’s how I want to be

I realize when I’m all alone

I was always first to cast the stone

It’s her I see in this old mirror

She never left; she was always here.

Twenty-four and wandering, aimless,

Stumbled into love one day

Came to terms that I’m not blameless

Sorrow mounts, to her dismay

Empathy for all her anguish

Rushed me like a flooding creek

After that, she’d never languish

From the barbs I used to speak

A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

A broken heart, it crushed her soul, but couldn’t steal her light

One son would proudly follow her, encouraged by her fight

I take out the vintage guitar and one of the new picks Damon had made for me, celebrating my name change. It was a thoughtful Christmas present, for sure. Leaning back on my bed, I’m surprised at how comfortable it is. I’ve grown so accustomed to the thin mattress of the tour bus bunk that even an eight-year-old overly-used mattress feels like heaven to me. The box springs squeak with every move I make, and again, I’m glad that I saved up the money I’d made that summer working at the record store to completely sound-proof the room. I’d even put special padding under the carpet.

“That’s not the chair, is it?” Shea asks, startling me as she enters and pointing to an old seat that used to be in our living room but somehow made its way upstairs since I was last here.

“What chair?”

“Your
lecherous
chair.”

“Oh,” I say, remembering I’d told her about the chair from my old apartment. “No. That’s in storage. I swear, you will never have to see it.” I put the guitar away, inspired more by
her
now than by the song.

“Okay… but this bed is…”

“It’s where we’re sleeping while we’re here,” I tell her, yanking on her arm and pulling her down next to me.

“It’s so noisy,” she whispers as I lean over to kiss her.

“Nobody can hear us, I promise,” I tell her. “If you want to go down to the kitchen and listen while I have a little fun on my own, by all means… but I wasn’t kidding when I told you earlier I couldn’t wait to be with you tonight. So if you’re gonna do that, be quick.”

She pushes me on my back and climbs on top of me. “Physicists don’t lie,” she spouts off knowingly with her hands gently tickling my chest.

“They don’t,” I confirm with a smirk, holding her as I roll over to place myself on top of her.

Chapter 19

On the twenty-ninth, Damon rents out a party room at the restaurant next to the club we’re playing to have a holiday party for the band and our family and friends. By now, Shea’s met everyone I consider family–which is basically my mom, brothers, and Livvy’s family. She fits in as if she’s always been a part of our world, and nearly everyone has taken me aside at some point to tell me how much they like her.

Livvy and Shea have really hit it off, though, and last night, they teamed up and cooked a six course meal for me and Jon at the loft. Figuring we’d be up late, we had already planned to stay over in the guest room at my brother’s place. Even the crying baby in the next room didn’t wake me up this morning, although Shea got up to help Livvy with my niece. I don’t remember a time in my life when I’ve gotten so much sleep as I have over the past week, even taking into account the amount of time we haven’t been sleeping at night.

“Will!” my former boss shouts from across the room. He’s dressed like he came straight from work, which I’m sure he did. “Will
Scott
, is it now?”

“Hey, Mike! Yeah, I made it official yesterday.” I give him a firm handshake when he reaches me, then turn to my side to make introductions. “Shea, this is Mike Cooper. He’s my boss at Perihelion. Mike, this is Shea Livingston, my date.” I look at her and smile nervously.

“Nice to meet you, sir.”

“The pleasure is mine, Miss Livingston.”

“Call me, Shea, please.”

“And where did you meet Will?”

“In my hometown of Minneapolis,” she says. “He was stranded for five days in a blizzard and wandered into my restaurant.”

“Oh, so you’re not from here?”

“No, I’m not…”

A look of worry comes across Mike’s face. “Now, Will, you’re not having second thoughts about coming back after your tour, are you?”

“Not at all,” I tell him, wrapping my arm around Shea’s waist.

“So this is just a date then? Nothing serious…” my boss says, putting me on the spot.

“I wouldn’t say that.” Although Shea and I haven’t decided anything, she knows that I’d like for her to look for a job in New York. “I’ve got months before I have to work out all the details, Mike. But I went over to NYU today and I’ve been accepted to the PhD program, so… that’s one hurdle out of the way.”

Mike gives me a hug for that. “That’s big news. So exciting. It’s going to be tough… but so worth it. Abu Dhabi? I mean…”

“What?” Shea asks.

“It’s a new program,” I tell her. “I just found out the details, but yeah. Part of my time would be spent in the UAE.” She expels all her breath at once, looking shocked. Once she spies Livvy, she leaves me and walks toward her.

“Hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers…”

“No,” I tell him. “I just hadn’t found a way to break the news to her.”

“So it
is
serious?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Well, when you’re here in Manhattan, feel free to use our labs for your work. Whatever resources you need, just ask. And you know we’ll reimburse any extraneous costs associated with your coursework,” he reminds me.

“Yes, it’s incredibly generous.”

“Hell, if we didn’t have that policy, Will, we’d find a way to make it happen to get you on the payroll again. We can’t wait to have you back. I know the team is dying to get you in the office… although they tell me you’re doing some consulting for them off the books.”

I shrug my shoulders. “It’s fun for me. I like a challenge.”

“You should be getting paid for your work.” He hands me an envelope. “At least take the bonus check you would have earned had you stayed on. And don’t argue with me.”

I tuck it in the inner pocket of my jacket. “Thank you. Help yourself to some food and drinks. It’s all free. I need to smooth things over with Shea. Are you coming to the concert?”

“I think I will. You’ve never invited me before.” I’d never wanted him to witness my bad behavior in the past.

“Well, we’ve come a long way. Hope you enjoy it.”

I walk over to my mother and Livvy’s parents, which is where I last saw Livvy.