Love UnExpected (Love's Improbable Possibility) (33 page)

“Indeed. You’
ll have it today. Call me if I could be of any help. I’ll wait for you two to recover before expecting the test, but I do suggest getting it done not long after.”

I rose from my chair and grabbed Tara
’s hand as a means of being kind. No matter what our differences, she had meant a lot to me over the years. Our time had come to an end but my general respect for her was still present. She was Big D’s daughter, giving us a sort of agnatic connection. 

She placed her
left hand on top of my right. “Why can't we work things out?” Her voice was drenched in desperation and diluted in regret. “Is it because of your new friend?” She referred to Rayna as she frantically searched my eyes. “If that's the case, I can be patient, Azmir. I’ll stand back until you work your way out of it with her.”

Was she consenting to being a side chick?
Tara was far more unhinged than I'd given her.

“
You’re not accepting responsibility. You’re more culpable in this than you’re willing to admit, but know this one thing, T; you can fool a lot of people by not disclosing your blunders but when it’s just you and me in a room, alone with no outside influences, you cannot withhold them from me. Your indiscretions will never be forgotten, but let’s not allow your denial to get us to a place where we can’t be cordial. We have too much history not to be. Your dad doesn’t deserve a war between us,” my voice was low yet steady.

She
heard every argument of my message, based upon her reaction. I peered directly in her eyes for seconds before leaving her room.

Big D was in the waiting area, in the corner on the phone when I made it back. I didn't interrupt him because I didn't want the questions,
so I left out instead. Ray was waiting outside as arranged. 

I hopped in the Bentley
. After closing the door I instructed, “Katz, Smith and Adams headquarters,” and we peeled off. En route I couldn’t shake the experience of seeing those helpless newborns laying there waiting for the clock to tick for their growth and development. Parents going through that must be overwhelmed. I’m sure with the right partner I could get through it.

Tara was playing possum
to the consequences of her indiscretions. She wanted people to believe that I was the negligent parent, but I was willing to play at her speed for a little while longer. I didn't give a fuck about what people thought of me anyway. They didn’t affect my paper or my livelihood. 

When I recalled Big D
’s testimonial of Tara's pre-term labor I couldn't escape the dark and horrid thoughts of Rayna’s recent miscarriage. She was alone when her body dispelled our baby. Visions of her courage during those lonely hours, days had my head spinning. I would never allow her to experience that again.
I swear.

I was in the reception area of
Smith, Katz and Adams Sports Medicine Center, waiting on the receptionist to locate Rayna. The digital clock hanging over her head read eleven fifty-seven a.m. and my hands were speed typing on my blackberry, firing off instructions to an already busy Brett. I also had a few other business-related e-mails to address. I heard the door to the office area open and turned my attention to find it deploy several people dressed in either business attire or white coats. Most looked famished and overcome with boredom and others, indifferent. 

“
Mr. Jacobs, the staff meeting has concluded, as you can see they’re filing out now. Ms. Brimm should be making her way out as well. She never stays after,” the young receptionist revealed with a snicker.

Not many seconds later
, I see Rayna appear from the door looking just as spiritless as her colleagues. When she recognized me she stopped in her stride.

Her chest visibly
rose before she exhaled, “Azmir, is everything alright?” 

I nodded but remained
 silent. Her hair was set in a poof on top of her head with the ponytail in the back. That was one of my favorite of hers. She donned a cranberry blouse that came just to her ass and tied at her waist with a fitted ivory skirt that stopped just beneath her knees with bone shoes matching the skirt to a "T". Her accessories were ruby red and gold. Rayna looked edible. 

Now more collected after my response she asks,
“How can I help you?” It was clear that she was still somewhat alarmed.

“
I came to take you out to lunch, if that’s allowed.”

“
I have my first patient at two.”

“
Then we should hurry, shouldn't we?”

I wanted to reach down to hold her, bury my face in her neck
, and inhale her intoxicating tang so badly, but kept my composure. I was frozen in time for a minute drinking her all in. Apparently my amorous desires didn't go unnoticed.

“Azmir!”
Rayna hissed in a lowly tone.

I looked up to find a couple of the reception-area girls
giggling at my lack of self-control. 

“
Let's take this out of here.” She softly took me by the arm and pulled me towards the lobby, then out the door. 

“
Ray can drive us to lunch and drop you back off to your car.” I held the car door open for her and she crawled in, greeting to Ray as she scooted over leaving me room.

Turning to me she asked,
“What's this all about, Mr. Jacobs? It isn’t everyday that I am chauffeured to a spontaneous lunch date by an insanely sexy and irresistible guy. You had the girls at the front desk salivating. I'm sure you'll be the core of water-cooler blather for the next week or so.”

“
Or until something far more significant happens there in the lobby.” I caressed her cheek. “I've missed you,” my tone relaxed, my emotions raw.

“
You’re finally feeling what it’s like?” she shook her head. “You saw me just this morning. What’s come over you?” she was crisp but I had probably deserved it.

I immediately knew from wher
e her aggravation had derived. “You didn't seem to take offense to Thompson’s brashness,” I pleaded.

“
You didn't give me a chance to. It was almost as if you were accusing me of doing something wrong,” she shot back. During her short pause, she diverted her eyes out the window. With a hard and long exasperated blink of her eyes, she buried her face in her hands and exhaled. “Azmir, Thompson was absolutely wrong...and bold but so help me god, he’s just an outside force to me. We have many of them. In my world there’s just you...me and you. He’s on the outside with everyone else.”

Her eyes came to meet mine once again.
“I’m not good with being scolded. I’ve been alone for so long that I internalize it more than you intend for me to and I feel isolated. If there’s a problem you have to address it in a better manner until I give you reason to do otherwise. Okay?”

Not wanting to fight and contented hearing her express her
feelings I conceded with a nod. I was already fucked up in the head from my earlier visit to the hospital.

When we arrived at the
restaurant, I held her hand from the car to the door of the eatery and all the way to the table where we were seated. I didn't want to let her go despite the cold vibes emitting from her. We sat side by side and I draped my arm around her. 

“
How was your day?”

“
I was in a meeting all morning. There were a few interesting tidbits of information given but overall the annual babble from upper management. Layoffs are looming.”

“
You’re going to be okay, aren’t you?” I found myself squeezing her hand in concern. Although, I knew that no matter what I’d take care of her, if she let me. I’d make her let me.

“Sounds like it
, but we’ll hear soon which locations will have to start pink-slipping their support staff.” She waved her hand in the air, pushing away that conversation, “I don't want to talk about my work. After that meeting I can use some distraction. Tell me about your day.”

The waiter came to take our order and
we took a minute to make our selections. Rayna and I both passed on alcohol as we were both on the clock. She ordered a salad and I followed suit.

Once he was out of
earshot Rayna turned back to me. “Your day, sir?”

“
It's been eventful.” I sighed. “I had business to take care of with Robert first thing this morning followed by a staff briefing at the rec.” I examined her earrings with my fingers causing her to shift in her seat. I liked that I had an effect on her.

“
That didn't sound eventful at all,” she softly giggled trying to compose herself.

“
Well, that's because I'm not finished.” I murmured in a moment of fortitude. “Tara had her baby this morning.”

Rayna's mouth dropped. She swung around to face me
, scooting back. I could swear to seeing all the blood drain from her face. I braced myself for how this would go down.

“When? How? You were there?”
She couldn't hide the restlessness in her voice and I'm not sure that she tried.

“
Likely around the time I was headed into work. C-section. And obviously I was not there, neither do I think it would’ve been appropriate for me to have been.”

I watched her eyes bounce back and forth aimlessly in anxiety. I knew instantly that she needed security and affirmation.

I ran my thumb down her cheek and over her bottom lip and before I could speak, she jerked her head back withdrawing from my embrace.

In a forceful whisper she said, “
Just say it. You don't have to perform any pity rituals to break the bad news.”

My eyes widened
in total shock, I didn't like seeing her unnecessarily defeated and misled.

“
Nothing has changed between Tara and me, and not a damn thing will change between you and me.”

“
Well, why the long face and sentimental affection? Azmir, something has affected you.” She searched my eyes. 

I gave a deep swallow. “Rayna, I don’
t know why but all the time I was there, even in the NIC-U, all I could think of was you and what our lives would be like today if...” My hand somehow appeared at her belly as my words failed me.

She gasped and her body
steeled. She looked down at my hand and used hers to cover mine. 

“
Azmir, you want a baby?” Her eyes were filled with terror when she shifted them back up to me. 

The waiter returned with our food
, but we remained cemented in the same positions. When he left, her lost eyes were still plastered to my face.

I let out a strong exhale. I didn't know what in the hell I was trying to say I wanted, but whatever it was I wanted it to be with Rayna.

“Not right now, but eventually.” I was lost in words and feelings—something that was beginning to happen far more increasingly when it came to Rayna.

She let out a deep exhale and her body visibly re
laxed.

“
Is a baby with me that horrid of an idea?” I was offended.

She jumped to me, wrap
ping her arms around my waist. “No. No, that’s not it at all. It’s just that I’m not sure I’m capable of being a mother.”

“Are you saying you can’
t have children? Are you speaking from a medical perspective?” I was confused as hell.

She sat up and faced the table.
“No, I don’t mean physically—well, nothing I’m aware of. What I mean is with all of my issues. I can’t possibly nurture another human being.” Her face was empty and her eyes haunted. She picked up her fork to start eating her salad.

She couldn’
t possibly believe that, could she?

“
The more I thought about how reckless I was this summer with going without protection, I had to think about the stupid risks I took with potentially another’s life. I’ve never—
ever
been so irresponsible with sex. I don’t know what...” Her thoughts interrupted her speech. “I know how it happened.
You
,” she whispered as though it was illegal or immoral. “Motherhood may not be in the cards for me. I can’t bring a life into this world knowing my deficiencies. No one deserves a broken mother.”

We ate in silence for a few. I measured her words that exposed a new level of her se
lf-abhorrence. Why couldn’t she see her strengths instead of her weakness. Rayna’s package, by far outshined, outweighed, and out measured most of the women I’d encountered in my life. She was unbelievably gorgeous, educated, extremely talented, ambitious, and more independent than my alpha-male ego would prefer at times.

Emotionally, she clearly had d
eficiencies but what woman didn’t struggle with balancing them considering their chemical make-up. Even that she had been working on by way of her religion and counseling. She was wonderfully packaged
and hopefully for me
. I wanted her. I wanted room in her heart and soul—in the world of Rayna Brimm. One could guess that I was no better than she was because I couldn’t express these things to her. I was too afraid. She was too flighty.