Love UnExpected (Love's Improbable Possibility) (15 page)

She was practically begging me to take heed, showing dire concern. I felt
sick to my stomach. I didn’t believe I was capable of meeting her request. She didn’t even know about the pregnancy I’d been keeping from him,
from her
. There was no way that I could even begin to encompass the crux of her pleas. I didn’t have the capacity to take on my shit, I was too preoccupied with championing for Michelle and Erin. They were easier, a lighter burden than my own. But I was unable to articulate this to her in that moment. So, I managed the moment, did what I did best in life. I managed.

I lied to my best friend that day by nodding my head in
comprehensive accession. I didn’t have faith in myself. She was the only person who did.

Michelle died less than two weeks after that conversation. She put up a hell of a fight with that cancer but it gave her little time. I felt depression like no other time in my life.
I felt emptiness, a phenomenon I’d never battled before. Days blended together and nights triumphed with extensions that stretched into the subsequent bleak days. I became a shell, impermeable on the outside to protect what was delicate and fucked up on the inside. I’d forget to eat and sleep. I made sure her final wishes were made known to her family. She was cremated and dispersed in the Pacific Ocean.

I was so numb throughout the ceremony. I felt so alone in a room full of people during her repast.
I’d never acquainted myself with her family. Many of them knew of me though I had no knowledge of them. I’d guessed they’d heard about the girl Michelle virtually returned from college with. The one she took in and helped get a job. A life.

I just sat and went in and out of conscious
ness as I watched Erin run around with her distant cousins while others ate and socialized. I had hurt for her. She would no longer experience the wonder of her mother’s love and devotion. She’d never know how great and selfless of an individual her mother was. If Michelle gave me such a generous portion of herself, I could only imagine what she would have given her own child. 

Life’s complicated. Life’s unfair.
All isn’t fair in love and war.

Rayna

I was in my bed, engaged in restless sleep when I felt sharp pain in my abdomen bringing me to a blustering awakening. I pulled myself up and grabbed my hardening belly. Another wave of pain struck through my body again. As I rose in bed, I noticed blood where I sat in my sheets.

Shit!

I panicked. My first thought was to call Michelle.

Fuck!

My best friend was no longer an option. The pain hit again. I couldn't think of anyone else that I could call. I grabbed my purse, keys and towels and tottered my way in the car. I drove myself to the hospital in unbearable pain. I was bleeding and growing weak by the minute. Bringing the car to an abrupt halt
, I illegally parked and floundered out of the car making my way into the emergency room and was seen immediately.

I sta
yed overnight for two days. I’d miscarried my fetus. I felt so numb. It wasn't because I was connected to and bonded with a six-week-old fetus, but because I had disconnected from my own body so much that I didn't feel a loss.

I
felt
lost
.

Michelle was gone. And consequently, so was Erin. Life lacked rhythm, I had no purpose to my days.
Azmir had been in my corner as much as I would allow. Once again, we were in a weird space. I’d never informed him of Michelle’s passing or my miscarriage. He tried contacting me, but I wouldn’t take his calls or texts. I had no one to call but work to inform them of my need for sick days.

I was under observation because of the blood loss
, major dehydration and having a DNC performed to cleanse my uterus of what was once life inside of me. The nurses thought it was odd that I had no visitors and made no calls. Azmir had been calling frantically all week. He sent texts and emails.

On the second day
, he left a message saying that he went over to my house only to find that I wasn't there. For all I knew he tried looking for me at work but I hadn't been there in nearly a week since Michelle's passing. I lay there in my hospital bed and cried on and off until I was discharged. 

The nurses asked how would I get home and explained that for liability reasons I could not drive myself. They placed me in a cab to go home when I was discharged only for me to catch a cab back to the hospital to pick up my car. I went to work the very next day as if nothing happened. I was a zombie.

A week later found me at Katsuya having lunch with Britni and April. They asked to meet to—I’d guessed—grieve together. I wasn’t interested in group bereavement but would do anything to honor Michelle’s life and if that meant putting up with her friends for a couple of hours, I would do just that.

“I just ca
n’t believe she’s gone. This has been a fucked up week. Who’s going to replace her?” Britni moaned, her face was pale bringing full attention to her red nose. She looked to have been crying for days.

She annoyed the hell out of me the most.
Why would you think of replacing a friend?
I know people don’t always know the right thing to say when death occurs
but come on!
I just played with the straw in my glass of unsweetened raspberry tea while staring down at the table.

“That’s just it, Brit…no one could ever replace her. We just need to find a way to move on. She would want that.”
That was provided by April. She seemed to have a little more sense than her bestie. I was being tortured during this tête-à-tête between them.

We sat quietly for a few minutes. I had nothing to offer and wasn’t in the mood to improvise.
April broke the ice by saying, “Rayna, I know this comes at a loss for us but I know you will be greatly affected by this. You two were like sisters.”

After taking a fe
w seconds to process what she said, I knew my time of silence had expired, I needed to contribute or be considered rude and insensitive to Michelle’s friend.

I offered, “Ladies, it’s definitely going to be a rough period ahead but we have to muster the strength to get through. Michelle was a mighty force who left an imprint on all of our lives. We have memories of her that can last a lifetime. As long as those memories last, she will live on. I find peace in knowing that.”
Yeah, a mouthful considering I didn’t have shit to offer.

Britni’s eyes began to swell up and
April went to console her with a hug. Britni struggled to say, “There are so many questions like who’s going to care for Erin and what’s going to happen to her house…” before her voice teetered off due to the enormity of emotions that rushed in.

After a pause I attempted, “There are many things that we don’t know as of yet
—” but I was interrupted.

“Yes!
There are lots of things we don’t know about the man we’re fucking. Like, let’s see…ahhhh—yeah! Like he’s a damn thug in Burberry business suits. Did you know that, sweetie?
Or
that everything you benefit from being with him is a result of
my
hard work and training!”

It was that bitch, Tara. By the time she paused
, several of her girlfriends had appeared, frantically trying to pull her away from our table. This made her get even louder. Seeing her was the last thing I needed at that moment, I’d been hanging on by a thread.

“You may
be into ballers so you probably don’t give a damn about any of that, but just in case you have a shred of decency in you, I thought you should know so that you can run the other way,” Tara continued in her tyranny.

As she spewed this directly in my face
, I just sat there looking at her in complete stoicism with incredulity. It was obvious that Tara didn’t know how to read my reaction and it pissed her off.

She continued, “Oh, I get it! Dumb bimbos like you can’t even comprehend the help that I’m giving
to make
the right decision. Pitiful! All you broads know how to do is swing those legs up in the air and fall to your knees!”

Although Tara disgorged street jargon, you could tell by her delivery that she was a valley girl. Her words weren’t threatening, but she was bold. Really audacious—each time I saw her.

Her one associate yelled, “Tara, that’s enough! She doesn’t want any trouble. You’re acting very ghetto in here.”

And another followed with, “Tara, you’re pregnant. He’s not worth it!”

Simultaneously, April looked at me and asked, in the state of incredulity herself, “She called
you
a dumb bimbo?”

I guess she, too, was caught off guard by the accusation. Clearly, Tara had no idea of my credentials.
Shit—who was I to rain on her parade by explaining that the man she’s obviously obsessed with isn’t with a hood-rat that would make her feel superior?

I had to get out of there. Though mad as hell, I decided to play along. 

I pulled out my wallet, dropped a crisp $100 bill on the table, stood to get square in Tara’s face—as close as her swollen belly would allow.

“Ladies, that’s for the bill
, courtesy of Divine. As for you, if it wasn’t for this belly I would mop this bitch with your fucking face. Do ya’self a favor, check my record before confronting me like this. I thought
you
should know
that
.”

Just before I turned to walk away
, I noticed staff members of the restaurant as well as other well dressed women charging towards our table.

Tara
sputtered, “She called him Divine! I knew she was a hood-rat!”

I purposely referred to him by his street moniker to further her assumption of who I was. I could deduce she was having a baby shower because from my peripheral view I could see balloons and a few other women still sitting in an area adjacent to ours.

That bitch had a good view of me and I had no idea she was in the room.

I felt like it was all too much hitting me at once. I couldn’t take the extra drama. I think it was then that I subconsciously questioned my decision to work things out with Azmir. I’d planned on telling him about Michelle’s passing later that day. Those plans got derailed after my run in with Tara’s ass.

After leaving the restaurant, I returned to my office. I had patients to see. Because of my absence for Michelle’s death and funeral and then my hospital stint we were backed up. Many of my patients declined to see my proxy while I was out and therefore I had extended my hours to catch up.
I had nothing better to do
.

I felt like a huge part of me had gone with Michelle’s death and Erin’s departure from my life.
Amber told me after the funeral in so many words to not call her about visiting Erin, she’d call me. I knew that meant I was locked out of her life. I feared this during Michelle’s last days but was too afraid to stress her out with putting something together ensuring that I’d stay an intrinsic part of Erin’s life. I knew if I stood any chance at seeing Erin I’d have to hire an attorney. I’d just hoped that would work.

All is fair in love and war
, right?
Right.

I
had become so depressed. It was such a contradicting cocktail of emotions. I wanted to be alone to deal with my loss yet at the same time the deceased would never approve of the method of my grieving. I eventually realized how in our final conversation, Michelle was pleading with me to open my heart to trust another individual other than her so that she could rest in peace. The enormity of my emotional handicap must have been extremely stressful for her. As much as I wanted to honor Michelle’s final wishes, the situation with Tara was pulling on me. I was in so much pain.

In a rare act,
I called back home to check on Chyna only to learn that my father had succumbed to a long bout with prostate cancer. I didn’t feel compelled to pay my last respects, only to be there to support my sister. Chyna sounded so choked up. She said she’d been trying to contact me for weeks to let me know he had taken a turn for the worse. I suddenly recalled how I’d been virtually living with Michelle since my birthday. I’d only shared my home number with my family.
Was that really the last time I’d checked in with her?
I told her that I’d be right out there.

Two days later
, I was checking into Embassy Suites not too far from the airport. I called to track down Chyna but got my grandmother instead.

“Yeah, chawl, Chyna been runnin’ these streets like life ain’t got no limits!” my grandmother moaned. “I’m getting too old to be chasing afta’ her. Your grandfather been down since his stroke and I ain’t got no help.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to her when I get there,” I offered.

Chyna was a wild child because her parents abandoned her. I was no help because I
no longer sent for her. For some reason, even calling home depressed me. I wanted no memories of home. Outside of Keeme, I disconnected myself from everything Jersey. I’d send Christmas and birthday gifts and even paid a visit when she graduated elementary school. But until recently, she was too young for me to relate to. I know it sounds cold but I couldn’t bring myself to take her on. I think until this trip I had no conscience of it. Maybe Michelle’s death opened my eyes to the fact that I had isolated my real family. I depended on her for so much that I’d substituted those relationships.

These thoughts caused me to cry. I hated crying but those blue feelings overcame me so quickly. The mere thought of Michelle jolted my stomach. I felt that emptiness again.

My phone ringing caused me to judder as it startled me while I sat on the hotel bed. I immediately thought it was Chyna, but when I grabbed the phone Azmir’s name popped up. I pushed the button on the top of the phone to ignore the call. I had realized at that moment that I hadn’t spoken to Azmir in nearly three weeks. Again, life began to happen so quickly. I had to admit it would be great to have someone by my side and Azmir would more than qualify. He had been so supportive in the past, but I felt like he’d been adding to my stress as of recently. It was almost as if he had another life and I felt like I couldn’t trust him. I’d rather nurse myself back to a better state of mind alone than deal with the unknown.

After showering that rainy afternoon
, I headed to my grandparents’ home. When Chyna opened the door she ran to me and jumped into my arms.

“Oh my fucking gawd…Rayna! I can’t believe you really came
!” she cried.

To say I was taken aback by her reaction to my presence would be an understatement. I felt her petite frame descending off me and quickly thought reciprocating her embrace would prevent the fall. Chyna had grown into a gorgeous young lady. She was a lot skinnier than I was at that age and she’d always been lighter
in skin tone than Akeem and me. She had red kinky twists in her hair and making a fashion statement with it. I noticed her gold heart shaped bamboo earrings with her name scripted on a plate running through them. She broke our embrace by stepping back and taking inventory of my being with the biggest and most enthused smile, “Damn, you pretty as hell!”

Before I could thank her she screamed, “Grandma, look! She beautiful!” very hood’esque.