Love Me ~ Through the Storm (14 page)

“Who are the guys planting the rose tree? Are they in Clay’s band?” Mercy whispers in my ear. “The tall one is smokin’. Is he seeing anyone?”

“Are you talking about Ryder? Yuck, I don’t think he’s cute at all. He was seeing one of Lizzie’s friends, but I think she was too needy for him. The other one is Levi, he’s the manager of the bar.”

Mercy drifts away while taking pictures of the garden that we are dedicating this afternoon to my parents.

I’m nervous about giving my eulogy because I’m not sure if I can make it through without crying. Bailey thought I should sing, “Tears in Heaven,” like I did for my talent in the End of Summer Festival. I almost didn’t make it through that night without waterworks, and today I knew I’d have a geyser spurting from my eyes so adding that song wouldn’t have helped. I certainly don’t want to flood the place.

“If everyone could take their seats, Margie is going to start us out by singing Amazing Grace,” Clay announces to the crowd.

Margie stands in front of us all and belts out the most beautiful rendition of that and Beulah Land, which were mom’s favorite songs.

I won’t ever be able to hear those songs again without thinking of this day. I tap Clay’s leg. “Tissues?” Why didn’t I get those before I sat down? My mind is mush today. I lay my head on Clay’s shoulder and he puts his arm around my shoulders.

With Margie’s help, Lizzie put together a slideshow of not only mine and Clay’s life with Mom and Dad, but of Dad’s life with Margie and Cash, too. As memory after memory flashes by, I only see good, happy times—those times when my mom wore smiles.

Clay gives the eulogy for Dad first, but I can’t make myself listen. I look around and I see tears on everyone’s face, even Cash is tearing up. My big strong half-brother that has a chip on his shoulder is melting into his wife, Bailey.

When I get up to give the eulogy for mom, I hear the sound of gravel crunching from the driveway out front, but I don’t bother looking up to see who has arrived. This eulogy will be hard enough to get through without any added distraction.

21

Kane

Kicked out.

Segregated.

Sequestered.

Driven out of town.

They can try, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stay away from her. It’s always been her and it will continue to be her. If they think they can keep me away, they’ll have more than a fight on their hands. I’m here and ready to go to battle. It doesn’t matter that she’s with her family, she’s mine. I’ll take what is mine and everyone else be damned.

Oakley has ignored all my texts since she left for Alabama, showing just how irritated she is with me. As soon as she left yesterday, I went home, packed a bag, and drove down to Alabama. I knew where I needed to be, where I wanted to be.

I’ve been shoved around most of my life. Unwanted. Unneeded. This isn’t anything new, but she loves me. She told me so herself. How can I let her go knowing that? The answer is I can’t.

A fire is burning me alive from the inside out. I not only want her, I need her. She makes me feel like I belong. She believes in me, like I can conquer her fears. She’s my rain drenching that fire, alleviating my pain and
my
fears. 

Rain doesn’t last forever, but I wish it would. People hate the rain. They open their umbrellas, wear slickers to keep it off them. Don’t they understand, without rain there would be no life?

Without the rain, there would be no me, I welcome the rain. It soothes me. I want to open my mouth wide and drink it all in, I want to let it pour down on me, covering every inch of my skin. I crave the rain; it’s my lullaby. I want to dance, make love, and play in its puddles.

Oakley’s my rain and without her I may very well die, or at least want to. This may not be easy, but convincing her she’s my person, my reason to breathe is vital.

I arrive at the memorial service just as Oakley is standing before everyone to give her speech. I hang back because I know how she’s been struggling with what to say.

“Please bear with me, everyone, as I try to make it through this without my heart ripping itself out of my chest,” she says.

I see her unfold a piece of paper, her hands trembling. She begins to read.

“First of all, I would like to thank everyone for being here, and thank Margie, Bailey, and Lizzie for everything they’ve done to make this day special for me. I’m hoping for some much needed closure.”

I hope she and Clay both get the closure that they need. It’s been a rough year on them.

“I’ve just recently been able to come to terms with my mom and dad’s deaths. Up until then, the gravity of their dying was too overwhelming for me. I would have panic attacks at even thinking about the accident. Contemplating what my mother went through was too much, and I’m still scared at how she faced a mental illness that I never knew about. But I know that I want to make sense of it and its effects on my mother.” Oakley takes a deep breath before she continues.

“Why does my Mom’s illness concern me so much? Maybe it’s because she never once let it stop her from being everything to Clay and me. Maybe it’s because she never stopped long enough to take care of herself, or maybe it was because she kept it all bottled up inside her. I think the reason it bothers me so much is because she didn’t feel like she had anyone she could talk to about it. No one noticed that she was having a mental breakdown. We were all too busy, living our own lives to notice someone falling apart before our eyes.”

Sounds like my girl is having a little bit of guilt. Maybe this is why she is so adamant about me having a relationship with Deb.

“When I was little, Mom would tuck me in every night. We would talk about my day, and we’d play a game. It started out with Mom saying, ‘Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, sweet dreams, I love you.’ Then as I got a little older, we would race to see who could say it faster. So, at the end of our nightly ritual, I added – ‘I won,’ because she would let me finish first. Then she would add, ‘You won the race, but I love you more.’ I’d think, yay, I won! I never thought about how she really loved me because it was just a silly saying.”

I remember Oakley and Mrs. Wilson doing this. It had made me wish for my own mom. Ruby had her own way of doing things and was great to me, but nothing takes the place of your mom.

“When I felt like I was too old to be tucked in at night, I would give her and Daddy a kiss on the cheek and say, ‘I love you, I won.’ I felt like our little game was stupid, but every night, she would still say, ‘Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, sweet dream, I love you.’ Then she would smile at me and say more. I was a stupid teenage girl and would roll my eyes after I’d turn around, thinking that she was trying to keep me a baby.

“Over the year, I have grown so much, being here without her guidance. Looking back, I can see the signs of her illness that I ignored. That we ignored, but through it all, until the very end, she was strong. She must have known about my dad’s extracurricular activities, because Mom saw everything and knew everything. What amazes me from all of this is how she kept up the front for us kids.

“I remember when her own mom, my grandmother passed away. Mom didn’t show hardly any emotion. I thought she must not have loved her mom very much because she wasn’t even crying. She was holding on to Clay, because he’d broken down the worst. I asked her, ‘Mom, why didn’t you cry?’ She looked at me with red rimmed eyes and said, ‘It’s amazing how strong you can be when you have no other choice.’

“It’s hard to write an eulogy. You start thinking about what you might say, and after unsuccessfully putting pen to paper several times, I realized that there really are no words. But I know I have the strength because I had a good role model.  So, I’ve done my best to write my feelings down.”

You’re doing so good, baby.

“There are only feelings, very indescribable feelings. I feel like my heart may very well burst at any second. Because my mom is what’s on the inside of me, she’s my confidence. She is the reason I’ll be brave and have compassion for people who are hurting. She’ll be my reason to voice my dislikes, even if I sound like a whiny brat doing so. She is the reason I won’t hide what’s going on inside my head any longer, no matter the cost.

“I miss you, Mom. Thank you for being my reason. I love you more.” Oakley walks with her head bowed back to her seat.

My girl did it. I’m so dang proud of her. I walk the rest of the way around the side of the house to see everyone sitting in folding chairs, making a half circle around the little garden.

Clay looks up and notices me first, “What the hell is he doing here?” He struts over, meeting me halfway.

I ignore him because I’m making my way to my girl. Oakley has her gaze locked on me, and a smile on her face. I brought fresh flowers for her parents, and one single red rose for her. Before I make it over to her, all hell breaks loose.

“You need to get your pansy ass back in your car and crawl back under the rock you just came from,” Lizzie says.

“Lizzie, is that any way to treat a guest?” Granny says.

“Granny, you don’t understand who this is and what he did,” Lizzie says.

“Lizzie, let bygones be bygones.” Margie smiles at me.

“What brings you here?” Cash asks.

“I’m here to show my girlfriend support.”

“Your girlfriend?” Clay takes a step, pointing at me, “You’re in the wrong place. I’ve already told you to stay away from us.”

“He’s here for me, Clay. Kane and I are a couple now,” Oakley speaks up as she walks my way.

“Over my dead body. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I allow him to touch you.”

“Well, that’s too bad, Clay,” I say. “I was hoping that you would accept me in Oakley’s life, because I’m not going any damn where.” I hand Oakley her rose, then the flowers saying, “These are for your parents.”

Clay’s face goes beet red as he stalks over to me. He takes Oakley by the shoulder and moves her behind him then gets up in my face. “Do you need another beating, or was the last one not enough to teach you not to mess with my family?” He turns and says to Oakley, “I knew if you were friends with him, he’d end up trying something like this.”

“Clay, this isn’t any of your concern.” I reach around him for Oakley’s hand. “You see, your sister is a grown woman and she can make her own decisions.”

“Like fucking hell. Get your hands off of her, you prick.” Clay rears back his fist, getting ready to strike.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Clay,” I tell him.

“Too damn bad!” he yells.

“I’m pregnant!” Oakley hollers.

What the hell?

“You bastard!” Clay says.

“Clay! You’re not going to solve anything with violence.” Mrs. Jackson, Bailey’s grandmother says. “Why don’t you sit down and discuss this like adults?”

“There’s nothing to discuss, Granny. I’m in love with Kane and I’m going to be with him whether my brother likes it or not.” Oakley says, giving Clay a piercing look. “You don’t have to like us being together, but you’re not going to keep us apart. You either respect my feelings and relationship with Kane, or say goodbye to me right now. Your choice!”

“Oakley, we’re your family.” Bailey comes over. “Honey, we’re here for you. I think once Clay calms down, he’ll be more accepting.”

“Fuck! No, I won’t!” Clay shouts.

“Too bad you feel that way, Clay.” Oakley takes my hand, turning away from everyone, “Come on, Kane, we need to be leaving.”

“You’re not going anywhere, Baby Girl,” Clay says, grabbing for Oakley’s arm but she jerks it away from him.

“Clay, come on, man. Let her go.” Ryder comes over, attempting to make peace.

Oakley walks over to the little garden and places the flowers I brought on a little stone bench then comes back and reaches for my hand. We walk together to our cars.

I look over, noticing Ryder holding Clay’s arm and Cash standing in front of him. I guess they are holding him back. I’m sure if he was given the opportunity, he’d like to kill me right now.

“Oakley, I can’t believe you said that you were pregnant. That was some quick thinking.” I say when we get out of earshot.

“It’s all I could think of to get Clay’s attention and keep him from throwing that punch. I thought maybe he would be more agreeable if he thought I was pregnant.” Oakley stands on the tips of her toes and gives me a kiss. “I’ll follow you in my car. But don’t think that we aren’t going to talk about that Gretchen girl
and
your mom when we get back.”