Love & Loss (56 page)

‘Yeah right, girls love a guy who can only afford a date at Pizza Hut.’

‘If you think I’m so shallow what do you see in me Milo?’ I shot back, angry.

‘I just want you to take a step back Mia, give me a chance to show you how good we could be.’

‘Stop! You’re with Jenny and I’m with Gabe. This can
never
happen Milo, I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you.’

‘I know you find me attractive, you flirted with me that day we first met.’

‘Yes I found you attractive, you are attractive and you’re a really nice guy but I love Gabe.’

‘So if I’d asked you out before he got to you things might have been different?’

‘I don’t know Milo, I just feel a connection to Gabe that I’ve never felt to anyone else before. I do have feelings for you, but it’s the sort of love that I think I’d feel for a brother, not the in love feelings I have for Gabe.’

‘A brother? Great thanks,’ he sighed as he covered his eyes.

‘Milo there’s nothing special about me, you have Jenny, you need to make more of an effort to rekindle it with her. Don’t throw away years with her over some feelings that you think you may have for me, you’re confusing friendship with love.’

‘Don’t fucking tell me how I feel,’ he yelled as he dropped his hands and glared at me. ‘And stop putting yourself down. You’re beautiful Mia, inside and out. I’ve always been drawn to brunettes, but you put them all in the shade and to think he’s letting you parade around on stage, half naked like a cheap …
hooker or dirty whore
in tiny underwear or army and air stewardess outfits, it makes my blood boil.’

‘Stop!’ I yelled and stepped forward and slapped him. He looked at me shocked as he rubbed his face.

‘I do what I want to do Milo, Gabe has been against my dancing from the start so you don’t get to blame him for my choices. How long were you coming to Peppers while I was dancing?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Don’t play fucking innocent with me Milo, the wool over my eyes has completely gone and I can see straight through you. How do you know what outfits I was wearing if you haven’t been more than the time you stopped Adam from coming onto me?’

‘Fine, I turned up one night and saw you on the stage and was so shocked. I was worried something like that might happen with another punter and Gabe was stupid to have left you there unattended so I went every Wednesday and Saturday to make sure you were safe.’

‘Do you realise how creepy that is? To have kept coming back to see me … like
that?
’

‘So why’s it ok for all those perverts to watch you up there and not me? You make it sound like I’m some kind of fucking deviant.’

‘You’re one of my best friends Milo, best friends don’t look at each other in a sexual way. Even Doug doesn’t come and watch me dance, it’s just wrong and I can’t believe you lied to me about not having been before either. I’d like you to leave now. I can’t look at you.’

‘Don’t do this Mia.’

‘Don’t do what Milo? Upset you? I’ve done nothing wrong. Have I
ever
given you any indication that I felt anything more for you?’ I felt my eyes filling up as I looked at him. ‘I defended you time and again. Gabe, Doug, Lexi, all of them told me that you had feelings for me and I denied it and fought your corner, do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now?’

‘Shit please don’t cry, I can’t bear seeing you cry.’

‘Then you shouldn’t have said anything Milo. You’ve made a fool out of me and now I feel like I’ve just lost one of my best friends.’ I reached up to brush my tears from my cheek.

‘You’ve not lost me, you’ll never lose me Mia.’

‘How can I not Milo? I don’t know how to handle this, I don’t know if I can carry on seeing you now. You’ve been watching me perform, you’ve lied to me and you bad mouth Gabe.’

‘Nothing has to change Mia, if you won’t give me a chance then I’ll accept that. We can just be friends and carry on as we were before.’

‘I can’t give you a chance Milo, I don’t want to, I’m taken and how can I stay friends with you when I know that seeing me is eating you upside?’ I turned around and grabbed some kitchen towel and blew my nose. This was so fucked up. How could I have been so wrong about my relationship with him? I didn’t want to lose his friendship, but I didn’t know if I could carry on seeing him knowing how he felt. I’d be putting my relationship with Gabe at risk if he ever discovered the truth. I stiffened up as I felt his arms go around me and he pressed up behind me. ‘Milo, let me go.’

‘I’m sorry, I should never have said anything,’ he whispered and I cranked my neck to the side as he tried to kiss my cheek.

‘Milo, let me go right now, you’re crossing a line,
again
. Please let me go,’ I begged, ready to take action if he didn’t comply.

‘Get the fuck off her right now,’ snapped an angry voice behind me. I winced and shut my eyes and felt Milo being hauled off me and the rattle of the fridge as he was slammed into it. I spun around to try and stop Gabe from losing it and gasped to see Doug had him by the shirt collar. Milo just looked defeated and didn’t even try to fight back.

‘Doug, please don’t.’ I pleaded as I saw his eyes flash angrily. I grabbed his arm and tugged at it. ‘Please he was just hugging me because I was upset, don’t make a big deal out of it.’

‘Stop covering for him Mia,’ Doug snapped as he let him go and turned to shut the kitchen door before confronting me. ‘It’s not the first time he’s come on to you.’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I lied and hung my head.

‘I know about New Year alright, how many other times?’

‘None.’

‘Fuck, do you know what would have happened if Gabe had just walked in here instead of me?’

‘Don’t tell him, please don’t tell him Doug,’ I pleaded.

‘You need to leave right now,’ he snapped at Milo who nodded his head.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly as he looked at me sadly and squeezed out of the room, closing the door behind him. I started crying again and went to Doug for a hug.

‘What happened Mia?’

‘He told me he’s in love with me.’

‘Took his bloody time,’ scoffed Doug.

‘I can’t believe you were all right and I just didn’t see it.’

‘You didn’t want to see it Mia, once you see something, once you know that there’s more to it, well that makes friendship between a guy and a girl really hard. Trust me, I have some experience in that area.’

‘So how do you and Lexi do it?’

‘It’s really hard, but I laid my cards on the table once, I won’t do it again. She knows how I feel about her and it’s up to her to do something with it if she wants, but I’m not putting my life on hold while I wait for her to make up her mind.’

‘But I thought you were happy with Sarah?’

‘I am, she’s a great girl, but … I don’t know,’ he sighed.

‘She’s not Lexi?’

‘No, she’s not Lexi. Love sucks sometimes.’

‘It does,’ I giggled as he let me go and kissed the top of my head. I wiped my eyes and smiled at him.

‘I think you need to stop seeing him, I just get a really bad vibe that this isn’t over Mia, I don’t think he’s going to let it go if you’re hanging out with him all the time.’

‘I’m still a bit shocked Doug, but I’d like to sit and talk to him properly, I mean I really enjoyed his company and I’m not sure if I can write him off just because of two bad moves on his part.’

‘I’m sorry but I don’t trust him. If you carry on seeing him I’m telling Gabe what’s happened.’

‘Doug,’ I protested.

‘Mia, he’s my best friend, he’d kill me if he found out I knew what happened tonight and in January.’

‘Lexi told you?’ I sighed.

‘She was worried about you and wanted my opinion on how Gabe would react if he found out.’

‘Well he’d probably kill Milo which is why I never told him.’

‘Well I don’t want Gabe accusing
me
of trying it on with you again, so I’ll go and distract him while you go and tidy up your face, you have panda eyes, which on a cat isn’t a good look,’ he grinned. I laughed and slapped his arm.

‘I love you Doug.’

‘Love you too babe, go on, get gone.’

I opened the door and headed out into the hall with my head down and walked straight into Lexi.

‘There you are I’ve been looking for you everywhere, so has Gabe.’

‘Shit, where is he?’

‘O God you’ve been crying. What’s going on?’

‘I can’t let him see me like this, I need to go and fix my face.’

‘Get in my bedroom, he won’t go in there, quick, he was out on the landing heading to the roof terrace a minute ago looking for you.’ She shoved me in and locked the door behind us. ‘What’s going on?’ she demanded.

‘Hang on a second,’ I held my finger up and dug my vibrating phone out of my cleavage which made her laugh. I had a text from Gabe.

Where the hell are you? I’m starting to get worried G xx

Lexi needed to talk so I’m in her bedroom. I’m fine, sorry you worried, see you in a while <3 M xx

‘Mia?’

‘Sorry if Gabe asks you needed to talk to me.’

‘You need to talk to
me.
’

‘Milo, again.’ I sighed and turned to her makeup collection to clean up and redo my eyes as I filled her in.

‘Enough is enough with this guy Mia. Why can’t you see reason?’

‘Because he only admitted it tonight Lexi. I’m not sure I want to see him, but I’m not sure I want to sweep fourteen months of friendship under the rug just like that either. I just need some time to process how to handle this.’

‘Doug’s not going to let slip is he? Gabe will go ape.’

‘I know, I have to hope that Doug realises there would be serious consequences. He only seems to blab when it’s something trivial, or he really thinks it’s for the best.’

‘I’ll threaten him,’ she grinned.

‘He’s still in love with you, try and take it easy on him will you?’

‘Christ, why can’t men and women just be friends without emotions getting in the way?’

‘Beats me, but right now I’m going to eat humble pie, drag my man to our place and kick everyone out so I can beg for hot navy officer sex.’

‘What about the party?’

‘It’s already after midnight Lex I just want to go home with Gabe. You can carry it on in here, but I need sex. Now.’

‘Just have it and re-join us.’

‘O no, I challenged him that I wouldn’t break first tonight, so they’ll be ropes and everything involved, this will definitely be no quickie.’

‘Dirty bondage slut,’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need to hear anymore, go find him and clear everyone out and I’ll see you at midday for the clean-up.’

‘Nice try cleaning avoidance Clarke, ten.’

‘Mia,’ she groaned as I unlocked the door and went in search of my sexy man. He was sitting on the window sill in the lounge chatting to James and I felt my stomach somersault as I looked at him. I smiled when I realised that Milo’s attempt to make me doubt Gabe’s intentions towards me had floated off me like water off a ducks back. I had no doubts anymore, I wouldn’t be wearing his ring if I did. I went to the iPad dock and switched off the music, stuck my fingers in my mouth and did a shrill wolf whistle to cut through the groans and grumbles of complaint.

‘Ok, everybody out. The party is moving next door. Grab your drinks and hustle,’ I ordered. I raised my brows and pointed at the door as everyone looked at me amazed. ‘Move it.’

‘Baby, what’s going on?’ Gabe asked as he sidled over.

‘You my gorgeous sailor boy have permission to release all the semen under your control to play with my girls,’ I winked as I shimmied my breasts at him. He eyes flashed as he looked down at them and he put his hand on my bottom.

‘I knew you’d break,’ he murmured as he bent to kiss my neck.

‘I’m not too proud to admit that I have no willpower when it comes to you Mr Austin, so take me to our bedroom and punish me just like you promised.’

‘Hmmm, that sounds like a very good idea. Ropes and paddle.’

‘Surprise me,’ I winked. I leaned in and whispered in his ear, ‘but I’d better warn you, this pussy got very
very
wet tonight.’

‘Every out.
Now
,’ yelled Gabe as I watched the swelling in his trousers expand and giggled happily.

It had been over a week since I’d seen Milo. He hadn’t been in English all week and yesterday I’d sent him a text to say that I’d like us to meet at the gym but to go to the smoothie bar to talk. He hadn’t replied and I was surprised to see he wasn’t in English again. Gabe walked me to Pilates and made me promise to ring him when I was ready to come home. He didn’t even trust me getting taxis and definitely wouldn’t let Milo walk me home.

‘I’ll pick you up right outside the door ok?’

‘Ok, I’ll see you later. Love you,’ I smiled as I reached up and caressed his cheek with my palm.

‘Love you too,’ he smiled and held me tightly as he kissed me, making me light headed. He chuckled, as he always did when he saw how he could render me to the consistency of jelly just from his kiss. I watched him stride out of reception, turning to blow me a final kiss before he disappeared. I headed to the smoothie bar but there was no sign of Milo. I checked my phone and there was no message either so I rang him.

‘Hello?’ came his voice, he sounded odd, definitely not his usual self.

‘Milo it’s me, Mia. Where are you?’

‘Shit … shit,’ he muttered and I heard something smash.

‘Milo? Are you ok?’ I asked and heard him laughing.

‘No … no I’m not. She’s finished with me Mia, she’s bloody finished with me.’

‘O God, I’m so sorry.’

‘You’re sorry,
you’re sorry
. That’s funny,’ he laughed.

‘Are you drunk?’

‘Definitely on my way to drunkdom.’

‘Shit, you’re not on your own are you?’ I heard him laughing again.

‘No, Dan’s here. Why do you care? You don’t bloody care … you made that quite obvious.’

‘Milo, please don’t. I thought you understood after the other night. I love you as a friend, but you know I’m with Gabe.’

‘Yeah …
him.
Leave me alone Mia, it’s too much.’

‘Milo please don’t be like this.’ I winced as I heard a yell and a load of banging then he cursed. ‘Milo?’

‘Great, just fucking great I’ve just fallen down the bloody stairs. It’s your fault, it’s all your bloody fault.’

‘Don’t drink anymore I’m coming over,’ I sighed and hung up. I went to dial Gabe to ask him to take me over there, but paused with my finger over the button. There was no way he’d let me go there, especially not with Milo drunk, but I couldn’t leave him like that, not when Jenny had broken up with him as well, what sort of friend would I be? I called for a taxi, making sure it was a registered black cab, then shoved my stuff in the gym locker, putting my purse and phone in my coat pocket and went to stand inside the reception entrance to keep watch. When the taxi pulled up I took a photo of the number plate then hopped in and gave him Milo’s address and sent Lexi a text.

Lex, under no circumstances do you tell Gabe, but Milo wasn’t at the gym and I’m going to see him. Jenny’s broken up with him, he’s blaming me and he’s drunk and upset. Dan’s there so I’ll be fine and I’ve attached a photo of the licence plate of the taxi I’m in just in case. I’ll do the same when I head back to the gym and ring Gabe to pick me up. Love you xx

I sighed as I looked out of the window. I thought Milo understood that I didn’t feel that way about him and that he was going to accept us just being friends. What the hell had happened to make Jenny end it? I felt my phone vibrate and looked down, Lexi was ringing me.

‘Hi Lex.’

‘Are you out of your
fucking
mind?’ she hissed down the phone.

‘Lex what am I supposed to do? He sounds in a mess.’

‘That’s
his
problem, you made it perfectly clear that you were with Gabe and it was never going to happen, if he can’t deal tough shit.’

‘But Jenny’s broken up with him as well Lex,’ I protested.

‘So?’

‘Come on, you’re a trainee counsellor, you’re saying I should walk away from a friend when they need me?’

‘Shit Mia, Gabe will go mental.’

‘Gabe doesn’t need to know. I’ll be back at the gym in a couple of hours and he’ll be none the wiser. Please don’t tell him.’

‘No bloody way I’m telling him, more than my life’s worth. If he tries it on with you again you get out of there ok? And make sure you send me a photo again just in case.’

‘I will Lex, thanks.’

‘God you’re a stubborn bloody mare Page.’

‘Pot meet the kettle Lexi Clarke. Love you.’

‘You too. Text me as soon as you’re in the taxi again ok?’

‘Will do. See you later.’

I took the taxi drivers card as he dropped me off at the end of Milo’s road, figuring it would be easier to use the same one as I felt safe with him and already had his licence plate in my phone. I walked quickly up the dimly light street, why the hell was he living in such a rundown area? I’d only been the once, when we dropped off Dan after a night out, but it looked worse than I remembered. There was an expanse of wasteland to my left, covered in rubble and a burnt out car, then a large wooded area to the right and it was a few hundred yards before any of the actual houses started. Shit what was I thinking? Gabe would go nuts. I jumped as I heard some twigs snap and felt my mouth going dry and my heart rate spiking as I walked faster. I had a bad feeling, a really bad feeling, just like I’d had in the moments before I found out Gabe had been injured in that accident. I started running and flung open the wrought iron gate at the entrance to Milo’s house and flew up to the front door hammering on it really loudly, looking around behind me nervously. I heard clattering and banging coming from inside.

‘Shit hurry up Milo,’ I muttered and I rapped it again even louder as I heard a car go past. I looked behind me again, the tension spreading through my muscles with every second I was out here, then faced the door as I hammered on it again. I suddenly frowned as something in my memory sparked and looked back behind me to see a silver car parked up opposite and I immediately shivered. I
hated
silver cars, they always reminded me of Gabe’s accident. I screamed as I felt a hand clutch my shoulder and snapped my head around and blew out a deep breath. ‘Shit Milo, you just scared the crap out of me,’ I uttered. I looked at him swaying on the doorstep, with at least three days’ worth of growth on his face.

‘Why are you here?’ he asked as he stuck his head out of the door and looked up and down the street.

‘To make sure you were ok. Let me in quickly, I don’t feel safe out here,’ I stated as I pushed him back inside, joined him and quickly closed his front door for him and sighed.

‘You’re shaking,’ he observed.

‘No shit Sherlock. This is one creepy street and I’m feeling really on edge.’

‘I told you not to come,’ he muttered as he staggered back along the hall.

‘I was worried about you.’ I caught him up, grabbed his arm as he bounced off his door frame and steered him into the kitchen and sat him down at the dining table. ‘Christ you look like shit.’

‘Thanks,’ he muttered. I pulled off my gloves and scarf and plonked them next to him and unbelted my coat and hung it on the back of one of the chairs. ‘Right I’m making you a coffee to try and sober you up and then we can sit and talk. Where’s Dan, will he want one?’

‘He’s not here.’

‘What?’ I exclaimed as I spun around to look at him in horror.

‘He’s not here,’ he shrugged.

‘You told me he was.’

‘I lied.’

‘Milo what’s going on?’ Shit this was getting worse by the minute, as if coming here, alone in a taxi wasn’t bad enough, now I was breaking Gabe’s cardinal rule,
never
be alone with Milo. I took a few calming breathes.

‘You’re nervous.’

‘Yes, I just scared myself shitless walking up Nightmare on Elm Street alone, you’re not yourself and now I’ve found out that you’ve lied to me again. This was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come.’

‘No one asked you to.’

‘I was worried about you Milo, I want to be a good friend, but I’m not prepared to jeopardise my relationship again to do it. I’ll call a taxi to take me back to the gym and make you a coffee. You need to sober up and go and sleep this off.’ I pulled the taxi number out of my back jeans pocket and dialled it. ‘Hi, sorry you just dropped me off in Orchard Street, can you come back and get me? Five minutes? That’s fine thank you.’ I turned around, flicked the kettle on and opened a couple of cupboards looking for mugs until I found one and put it on the work surface and jumped as I felt Milo stroke the back of my neck.

‘Why Mia?’

‘Why what?’ I asked as I shrugged him off and stepped away.

‘You know how I feel about you, we get on great.’

‘Milo,’ I sighed. ‘We’ve gone over this. I love you as a friend nothing more. I’m sorry it can’t be like that for me, but I love Gabe and you had Jenny.’

‘Had … had,’ he chuckled as he rubbed his eyes and swayed. ‘Yes,
had
and it’s all because of you that I don’t.’

‘Why?’

‘She knew, she bloody knew before me that I was in love with you. “
You talk about her all the time Milo
,”’ he mimicked. ‘Do you know how many fucking arguments we had over you?’

‘Milo I’m sorry, but I never led you on. When have I ever given you reason to think that we were more than friends?’

‘Come on,’ he laughed. ‘You always tell me you love my company, you wear damn skimpy clothing around me, taunting me all the time.’

‘Right that’s it.’ I gasped. ‘You’re totally out of order now. I’m putting it down to the fact that you’re grief stricken and drunk and will give you a
final
pass just this once. Ring me when you’re sober and maybe we can talk this out, but I’m not having you accuse me of flirting with you ever again. I
never
have, not since our first meeting.’ I side stepped him as he tried to grasp me. My stomach went into knots, I suddenly felt sick, this wasn’t my friend, he seemed like he was someone else and I was stupidly here all alone with him, I needed to get out,
fast
. I quickly walked to the kitchen door and heard him curse and follow me as I stalked down the hall. I reached up and twisted the door latch and tensed up as he pressed up behind me and slammed his palm on the door, holding it shut, trapping me.

‘Stop.’

‘No
you
stop, you’re frightening me Milo, I want to leave.’

‘Don’t be scared of me Mia, you’re special. You’re my perfect woman, everything I’ve ever fantasied about. I love you,’ he sighed in my ear and I tensed and hissed through my teeth as he kissed my neck. I quickly bent my arm across my chest and rammed my elbow back, just like I’d been taught in self-defence, and jabbed him hard in the ribs. ‘Fuck,’ he yelled as he backed off. ‘What the fuck was that?’

‘Don’t
ever
touch me like that again,’ I hissed as I turned to look at him rubbing his chest. ‘I’m Gabe’s, I belong to Gabe.’

‘You’re not a fucking possession Mia,’ he scowled. ‘You’re more than that.’

‘I
love him
Milo, why can’t you get that into your head, I love
him
not you.’ I quickly turned, opened the front door and stepped out and looked down the street. The taxi wasn’t there yet. Shit, I didn’t want to stay here with Milo while he was like this, but I didn’t like the idea of waiting down on that corner next to that bloody expanse of trees and bushes either. My pulse was pounding so fast I could hear the blood surging in my ears. I looked back as Milo walked towards me again, so I quickly stepped outside and backed away towards the gate. ‘Don’t come any closer, you’re really scaring me.’

‘Mia,’ he sighed. ‘You can’t go out there alone, it’s not safe.’

‘Then I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place Milo because I don’t feel safe in there with you either.’

‘Shit, you’re shaking again.’

‘I’m scared and it’s freezing cold.’ I looked down at myself and realised my gloves, scarf and coat were still in his kitchen. Shit, so was my phone and my purse. I bit my lip and tucked my hair behind my ears, there was no way I could go back in there for them, not now, not after his behaviour.

‘Your coat’s in the kitchen, come back in and get it.’

‘No.’ I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest.

‘You’re scared of being alone, with me?’

‘At the moment yes Milo, you don’t seem yourself. I’ll come and get it from you when you’re sober and Dan’s here.’

‘You’ll freeze to death walking down the street like that. Stay there, I’ll get it for you.’

I watched him turn and start walking down his hallway, leaving the front door ajar and quickly turned to check the street behind me. I’d never felt so nervous and on edge, I was really frightened and right now I just wished I was home with Gabe. I grabbed the wrought iron gate and looked around the high box hedge to the end of the street to see if the taxi had come yet. It still hadn’t. Where the hell was he? I heard a noise behind me and went to turn to make sure I could keep an eye on Milo, I didn’t want him getting too close again, but I was too slow. Before I knew it his hand was clamped over my mouth and an arm went tightly around my neck as I was yanked backwards up off the floor. I tried to scream, but his palm pressed tightly against my lips muffled the noise, so I frantically clawed at the arm choking me as my legs flailed. All thoughts of my self-defence classes went out of my mind, I couldn’t think straight I was so scared. What the hell was Milo going to do to me?